A harsh further lesson on low self-esteem/boundaries...mother found murdered

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm not sure if this is exactly the correct Board, but here goes.

My mother was found murdered about 2 weeks ago. I've struggled with how someone could do something to someone who is kind and generous to a fault to others, though emotionally unstable. In and of itself, it's just terrible to imagine. I don't take this lightly at all.

Through her life and her untimely death, I can see the roots of my unhealthy desire to rescue (low self-esteem).

She lived in low-income housing for the elderly. Unfortunately some of these people become alcoholics, pill-poppers, druggies,etc. She made friends with one woman there who is a pill-popper and is missing a leg. My mother was set to testify against this woman's daughter (because she stole credit cards and checks from the elderly woman she was housesitting for) so that's a possibility for a motive. My mother never could tell anyone no, and left her back door unlocked almost all the time so she could let her pets in and out. I only found out after her death that a man was living with her and was kicked out only a week before she was killed. He was supposedly in a romance with my mother's friend and then he found my mother. It seems to circle around this particular family or group over there. This man has since disappeared and there's very little evidence and seemingly little chance justice will be served.

I live a few hours away, and I just haven't happened to visit my mother in a few months. A part of me is kind of upset with myself. I once thought about moving her in with me. She doesn't really like dealing with a large city though. I think even if we moved her out of her apartment, those people who were taking advantage of her would have found a way to get in contact with her. Granted, there are some people who have genuine needs and reciprocate, but many see someone like my mother with low boundaries and self-esteem and only see what they can get.

My mother has always had problems making life decisions. She's never been able to balance a checkbook. She divorced my father, who I now see as someone who is a very nice person. He's never once refused to help me and I've never seen him yell. I see now that he was probably struggling in a difficult marriage to my mother. She fell in love quickly and married my stepfather, who turned out to have taken advantage of her to the tune of $200,000 before he was killed in a car accident. We never saw a dime of the sale of my mother's farm or the second mortgage taken on her house (after it was already paid off). Now she has attracted some terrible elements in her life and somehow someone has murdered her.

I can only imagine if she had stronger boundaries, higher self-esteem, that she would still be here now. Of course, a lot of these people have plenty of free time to pester her and wear her down when they sense they can get something from her. It's really a shame because she was giving and generous to a fault.

As an adult I can see her emotional instability and how she was jealous of me as a child. She would hide books from me so my teachers wouldn't know how fast I could read... .very fast. And she didn't "believe in" gifted programs, so I was never sent to one. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I grew up in a truly warm and encouraging home environment. I know she loved me, but just didn't have the tools to show it well.

From all of this, her life, my struggle with a unpwBPD exfiance, and her death, I've learned the value of boundaries and self-love, and that I can love someone and not get caught up in their drama and negativity. I understand that my mother's choices were her choices. I couldn't spend the rest of my life babysitting her, helping her to make the right decisions. This was something she needed to learn for herself. Her parents took care of almost everything for her. They came to our house and cleaned for her everyday until their deaths. Even more rescuing in my genes. She didn't learn the hard lessons you can only get from growing up. Maybe she was headed in that direction but this person cut her off, or it's just too hard to unlearn old habits? Maybe some people just aren't meant to be stable and there's nothing at all you can do?

Please keep me and my family in your prayers and pray that justice is served. My mother will never get to meet my fiancee, or any future grandchildren until we meet in heaven. It's a terrible, terrible shame. The loving and kind part of her will live through us and I hope to have a mostly warm household that lives for love in healthy ways.

[Turkish]

This is a horrible thing, and I hope that the perp is brought to justice.

I'm in contact/low contact with my mom. She is two hours away. I want to (but I don't) want to move her in with me in the city, but she swears she'll "die on the mountain." In June, a scumbag squatted on her property, later attacked and injured her. He's since been arrested and extradited to another state.

It's so hard to deal with elderly parents, especially with emotional disorders. You thought your mom was safe, scumbags proved otherwise, taking advantage of a kind soul, even if she had emotional issues. I'd describe my mother in similar terms...

Sometimes, there is indeed nothing you can do. Even before reaching middle-age, I realized "the son becomes the father," or "the daughter becomes the mother." The analogy falls short, however, when dealing with an adult over whom we have no control.

.As an adult I can see her emotional instability and how she was jealous of me as a child. She would hide books from me so my teachers wouldn't know how fast I could read... .very fast. And she didn't "believe in" gifted programs, so I was never sent to one. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I grew up in a truly warm and encouraging home environment. I know she loved me, but just didn't have the tools to show it well.

This is tough, findingmyselfagain, dealing with the grief of losing your mom, and also at the same time dealing with the grief of losing the mom you wished you had. You're reeling from a horrible loss. My prayers are with you. 

Turkisj

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and the hopes you had for a better life for her.

Now she is fully  known and knows fully, I pray that this will give you peace.



lbjnltx

[Skip]

Very sad story. My condolences findingmyselfagain.

[Kwamina]

Hi findingmyselfagain,

This truly is horrible what happened to your mom. I am very sorry for your loss.

It becomes clear from your post that you've been through a lot with your mom. In spite of everything it is also clear that you cared very much for her and also knew that she loved you, unfortunately she struggled with properly expressing her love for you. She did not know how to express her love in a loving way, but she loved the best way she could.

It's very sad that after all you've been through, your mother's life has come to an end like this.

She didn't learn the hard lessons you can only get from growing up. Maybe she was headed in that direction but this person cut her off, or it's just too hard to unlearn old habits? Maybe some people just aren't meant to be stable and there's nothing at all you can do?

Mental illnesses, personality disorders, present the people suffering from them and their loved ones with a huge challenge. We never know what could have happened next but the fact that you ask yourself that question shows that you still had hope for a brighter tomorrow and believed in the hidden potential your mother might have had.

I find it wonderful that you were still able to see the good in your mother, her kindness and generosity. Though she was disordered, within the limitations of that disorder she might have done the best she was able to do. With her kindness and generosity she has given you a positive memory to hold on to and cherish and I hope this memory will give you some comfort as you go through this difficult time.

I am wishing you strength and peace as you mourn the loss of your mother

[findingmyselfagain]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I'm getting through this the best I can. It's sad that we live in a world where these things happen. If it wasn't for the evil and suffering in life then we couldn't truly appreciate the good things. Please do keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Her community is coming together for a candlelight memorial service. We only hope that someone who knows something will come forward. We will always be able to carry those memories of her love and kindness.

[Suzn]

I'm so sorry for your loss findingmyselfagain. 

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[EaglesJuju]

I am so sorry for your loss findingmyself again. I can imagine how difficult this is for you.   

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. 

[livednlearned]

What awful news to receive, findingmyselfagain. My prayers are with you as you make sense of what has happened and grieve the loss of your mom. My wise friend says that when our difficult parents pass away, we mourn the final hope that things could ever be different.

It says a lot about you that you can find what's good in her, knowing that her emotional instability had an impact on you.



LnL

[Turkish]

How are you doing fmsa? Has there been any progress on the case? How are you dealing with things right now?

[Harri]

Hello findingmyselfagain.  My condolences on your loss. 

Peace to you and yours,

Harri

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Findingmyselfagain,

Let me join the rest here to say I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my dad, and I know that grief is a difficult thing no matter what.

I'm glad you are sharing your story and grief with us all here.

Peace and comfort to you, 

Wools

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi all, Thank you for your kindness. I'm feeling better than I did a few weeks ago but some days are better than others.

No, we don't have any more news. The case was hurt possibly because the chief of police has a beef with the county, so he "uninvited" them from the case. My brother and I sent them a letter and now they're back on it. I only hope it hasn't gone too cold already. There's knowing who did it and being able to prove it. I hope they have news soon since the county has more manpower and local presence than the state.