7 Months I broke NC - She's mad / angry at me?

[groundbreaker]

Hello All,

Last time I was here was in February, I've learned a lot from all of you, but I have made mistakes in the wake.


I saw her at her work (not planned) I approached with a huge smile and lots of confidence, new clothes and looking really good. (I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, career is going amazingly, and I'm dating. I've always been a good looking guy, but the last 7 months changing myself improved that.)

Anyway as I approached she may have had a very quick smile before it went to angry / mad. I threw out some jokes and light conversation. I was only walking through the building, not being standoffish or anything. I didn't really want to get into anything just a quick hello how are you.

I was responded with her going directly to her work phone where she was frantically picking up and dialing a number over and over. While her back was towards me. As I strolled around the room looking at the shelves I asked a few quick questions.


ME: "Hey, how's everything?"

Her: Ignores me a bit while trying to dial the phone.

ME:  "Work been treating you alright?"

Her: Still trying to dial. Then looks at me with a very angered look and sounding mad. "Everything is great"

ME: "Glad to hear that"

Her: Catch looking at me with an almost curious look til she notices me noticing her

ME: I finish making my way around the room and getting ready to head out the door.

ME: "I guess I'll get going."

Her: Still very angrily "I don't care what you do"

Me: Keeping my composure I politely said. "It was good seeing you"

Her: Little bit quieter this time, but still mad. "Good seeing you"

About 20 mins later I get a FB message from somebody I didn't know. I ignored it. Found out it was her bf. I never responded to the message. So basically the whole time I was in there she was trying to call her bf.

Let's rewind 7 months ago.

After we broke up she picked up her mothers phone when I was calling her mom. She cried and asked me why I even loved her in the first place. I didn't know how to even to respond to her at that timed cause I was still in shock in awe, and in a lot of pain from the breakup. I told her if she wanted to talk to call me later.

We talked a few times on the phone, she had told her mom she had missed me, she ended up coming over one night and we had a good conversation. Before she left she tells me. I guess I'll be talking to you soon. I had asked how does that work? She replies "mutual communication" well I never reached out to her and she never reached out to me. So that was that. (She had a boyfriend that was in jail at the time so I wasn't about to make the move.)

7 months go by and I was in the building next door thought I'd go say hi, everything should be cool to say hello.

This run in happened about a month ago, last week I saw her brother and he told me that the her new new bf has kicked out like at least 1 month, but he keeps taking her back.

She struggles with addiction, drugs and alcohol, and he's a big drinker. Has some life struggles like us all, but she was never really equipped to be helpful in a relationship.

Oh and the last 7 months she's popped up on my FB quite a lot. (She has an account just to look at facebook, no friends, no pictures etc.)

My question to you all, is her anger towards me and our past relationship? When she saw me did she immediately put all the black back on me even though the last time we spoke it was a good experience? Or is she having a bad relationship and doesn't like seeing me doing better then we were together?

I just don't understand the anger / hate.

(Yes, I still have small attachment issues, but if anything talking about this has helped me move on this much. I will always love her, but I know I don't want to be with her.)

[once removed]

hey groundbreaker, welcome back 

When she saw me did she immediately put all the black back on me even though the last time we spoke it was a good experience?

sort of. it sounds like seeing you triggered shame in her and she had an emotional reaction. pwBPD struggle with object permanence, and i think for anyone it would feel sudden and uncomfortable seeing an ex, she could have been (sounds like she was) anxious. interesting, upping the drama with her boyfriends involvement; a dynamic i recommend avoiding.

[Lucky Jim]

To me, her anger is her problem, not yours.  Suggest you avoid taking on her "stuff."  Let it go, is my advice.

LuckyJim

[groundbreaker]

Thanks all for the replies.

I guess it bothers me that even after all this time we couldn't of had a decent conversation. In the relationship, I was a really good to her, we really only fought when it came to her abuse.

You're right her anger is her own, but that part of me doesn't like leaving things that way. I'm not going to reach out or anything. I guess I just don't like that our last experience was like that.

I've been friends with all my ex's one way or another. I just don't know if it was me she was angry at or something else and she couldn't talk to me.

Not to sound conceited but I'm a really good person and I don't like drama. I treated her really well. If anything I should've been the one being mad.

don't know if it matters, but we were together for 5 years. Not like it was a short term relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey groundbreaker , Suggest you let go of the outcome, which you can't change or control.  Sure, we all deserved better, but we stayed when others would have run.  I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years, so I should know.

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

I guess it bothers me that even after all this time we couldn't of had a decent conversation. In the relationship, I was a really good to her, we really only fought when it came to her abuse.

Just let it go. Every one react differently so it is unfair for her and for your own peace to expect her to behave the way you want her to be. She is clearly giving her the signal that she does not want to see you in any way, shape or form.

NExt time if you have to come near her , just simply say with a cursory Hello or how are you? then quickly walk away. Don't linger around.

[groundbreaker]

Hey groundbreaker , Suggest you let go of the outcome, which you can't change or control.  Sure, we all deserved better, but we stayed when others would have run.  I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years, so I should know.

LuckyJim

I'm trying to let it go. I'm not distraught over it, but I have my own issue with accepting it. I'm not normally one to let things end on a bad note. It's a fault of mine and I'm working on it. That's why I'm talking to all of you. I know it's something I'll never "understand", and that's why I'm talking it out.

Lucky Jim, were you the one to end the relationship with your ex?

I guess it bothers me that even after all this time we couldn't of had a decent conversation. In the relationship, I was a really good to her, we really only fought when it came to her abuse.

Just let it go. Every one react differently so it is unfair for her and for your own peace to expect her to behave the way you want her to be. She is clearly giving her the signal that she does not want to see you in any way, shape or form.

NExt time if you have to come near her , just simply say with a cursory Hello or how are you? then quickly walk away. Don't linger around.

As I stated before, it's not like the last time we talked it was a bad experience. Even to the point she wanted a hug offered mutual communication. So it's not how I "wanted" her to be, but being surprised. You also make the statement. "not want to see you in any way shape or form." That would imply she hasn't been looking me up consistently on social media, and asking about me. I'm not trying to be an ass, but somebody that clearly doesn't want to see somebody would spend 0 effort on getting a little bit of information. She may have not liked seeing me, because of whatever circumstance, but her actions showed she wanted to but couldn't react properly. I'm answering myself a little bit now since we're talking about it.

"Just let it go" I know in every sense of the statement is what I need to do. I apologize it's not easy and I'm trying.

[C.Stein]

"Just let it go" I know in every sense of the statement is what I need to do. I apologize it's not easy and I'm trying.

No need to apologize.  It is hard and I am going through much the same thing as you.  Having a very hard time with acceptance ... .in many different aspects.

[cloudten]

You've got to remember she is emotionally 5.  Her response is like a child's.

She isn't capable of being friends... .or even civil really. I think it would benefit you the most to let go of expecting anything more than the silent treatment or harassment.