I finally found out why I stayed in a toxic r/s. Was I afraid of abandonment?

[guy4caligirl]

Here is my story of loosing my beloved  dad at a young age .

Do you guys feel that  my teenage hood contributed in my unhealthy attachment with my ex BPD  Was I really afraid of being abandoned by her  ?

I lost my dad at the age of 18 he had a severe nervous breakdown due to a very demanding job ,I saw him having uncontrollable rages that triggered some difficult and painful moments at  that time while growing up  , it was more than  3 decades ago before moving to the US from my country of birth , I witnessed  his mood swings but I didn't take in a bad way I knew he couldn't help it there was no diagnose at that time neither Antidepressant medicine .  I saw him suffering and stayed most of my teenage time taking good care of him till he finally passed away I was 18 then .

Could that be this sad childhood  event that caused me to become a care taker perhaps codependent , and stuck it up with my ex PBDGF for a painful 5 years and was broken when we split and I couldn't win  her back .

Do you think  was I  also devastated  by her lost just  like I lost my dad at an early age ?

I looked back into my childhood while trying to heal the wounds of a failed BPD relationship ,after so many members suggested to look deep in your childhood , this is the only time while dad was agonizing that I can remember the only sad time in my youth I grew up in a loving good family .

Please what's your take on that and if any other member suffered the lost of a love one  at a young age might shed a light here ?

Thanks

Guy.

[Reforming]

Hi guy,

I think losing a parent at a young age is very traumatic and while I've been very fortunate to have both my parents into middle age I know quite a few people who have been profoundly affected by that loss. Losing your dad at 18 means you miss out of having an adult relationship with him, which is hugely important

It can make someone vulnerable in lots of ways, especially if you end up trying to support the surviving parent.

Have you considered discussing this with a T?

Reforming

[guy4caligirl]

You are exactly right , even being the youngest , I took charge and responsibilities of my mom who passed at 90 a few months ago I was prepared mentally for her lost she lived a good life do you think I need a t or a physiologist ?

[Reforming]

A lot of people, myself included, have found it very helpful.

What do you have to lose?

Reforming

[Mutt]

Hi Guy,


I agree with Reforming that losing a parent at a young age can be a traumatic loss. I loss my mom to cancer when I was 9. I stumbled across an article 3 years ago that made me re-evaluate my childhood experiences and I came to terms with growing up in a dysfunctional family and I had a terminally ill parent.

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

Codependency: Preoccupation and Excessive Dependence

For me it was my family and I still view it the same way today but it was coming to terms with the dysfunctional behaviors with family members and realizing that my thought patterns and behaviors are patterns that were established for a means of survival growing up.

My experience is my own and not necessarily the same experience as yours or with any other members on the boards. You can take what fits or discard my experience. I agree with Reforming and also suggest finding a good T and working with a support group concurrently.

I saw him having uncontrollable rages that triggered some difficult and painful moments at  that time while growing up

Did your dad have mood swings?

[guy4caligirl]

Mood swings , I used this term no sure if I meant it in the right way , he was a very good sensitive man , it's not like a bipolar in these modern days He did his best to put us in the best schools and raised us right . He just fell apart after a maldoer accused of an unfair and ridiculous work related accusation that ate him up .

Look at most of us here we have been accused also of being abusive to our EXPBD , thanks to this high tech we can vent and recover back then none of that was available how many newbies we find stumbling into this awesome site and say I am so glad I found you guys .

 

[focus]

The caretaker is a common role among codependent people.

Codependency has many forms and shapes, for example, I am "the fixer".

It is common to adopt codependency if you grew up in a dysfunctional family unit. For example, a alcaholic parent or parents, mentaly ill parent or parents, sick parent or parents, sibling with special needs, or simply codependent parent or parents.

Abandontment fears is also veru common among codependants. One guy I often listen to on youtube even said we (codependents) are all going to look like borderlines at times. We have attachment issues and even have our own fear of abandonment.

I have another unhealthy relationship issue, that I trace to my codependency. It is the desire to "feel needed". It makes me feel secure. With out that feeling, I fear the person might leave because the person doesn't need me anymore.

It's also a fear of rejection.

Being a caretaker doesn't mean you are codependent, but "the caretaker" is one of many roles the codependents are good at.

But that being said, I think people that are on the Cluster B spectrum are attracted to codependant people.

[eeks]

Hi guy4caligirl,

You say you spent most of your teenage years taking care of your dad, while he was not well.  I think many of us would do the same for a family member, if they needed care.  And yet, it's OK to say that your father's mental health challenges meant he wasn't fully available to father you when you needed it, and that that had an impact on you.  To do so isn't the same as blaming him, and it doesn't contradict the idea that he did his best as a father. 

You said that he passed away when you were 18, had a "nervous breakdown" - did he commit suicide?  You said you took responsibility for your mom even though you were the youngest - is that because your older siblings no longer lived with your parents, but you did?

[unicorn2014]

Hi, I can't answer your question, however I can share from my own experience.

I recently realized how emotionally abusive my dad is and that is who he is. He was that way before he had me, I'm not going to change that, and his emotional abuse has nothing to do with me.

My current partner is emotionally abusive as was my ex husband.

The only thing I have control over is whether or not I will accept emotional abuse.

In your case abandonment is your big trigger. I do agree with your assessment. If you choose to be in a relationship with a pwBPD you should know that some people have found that pwBPD use threats of abandonment to have control over the relationship. In your case you are particularly vulnerable in that area. If you choose to be in a relationship with a pwBPD you will have to guard that area of your psyche . Does this make any sense?

I know your relationship is over so perhaps you can use this to look back at it and understand how you got hurt and be aware of what you have to deal with moving forward.

[disillusionedandsore]

Part of the reason I stayed is because I believed following 'rows' (episodes) that he had self-reflected,  taken on what I had to say,  was remorseful and wanted to change... .Over and over again.  What was bewildering was that he didn't actually change and things got worse.  I knew nothing about push /pull or recycles... .I believed initially it was lovers tiffs followed by making up (the course of true love never did run smooth myth). What was known but somehow outside my own awareness was that my own template for relationships (FOO) was this on again off again pattern.

I recall being a mediator between my parents during splits,  where I got to convince my mom that my Dad was sorry,  would change and wanted to come back! Psychologically I took his side and to this day,  show me a seemingly contrite and pathetic individual that needs my help and I'm in love! Please excuse my sarcasm,  I am working through these realisations one by one! Thank you for your post because it has helped me question also why I stayed,  how I am vulnerable why I am in it beforeI realise it and why I find it so difficult to leave... .I didn't ever want to abandon my Dad... .I am sorry you lost your father the way you did and at the time you did.   

[Grey Kitty]

I think you could benefit from therapy. Don't think I'd say you need it. (And if you try... .be willing to shop a bit for a good T. Some are better than others, and more importantly, some can relate to YOU better than others. You have to trust them for it to work)

How your childhood relates to your time staying in a toxic relationship is still a good question.

Do you see things that resemble either of your parents in your exgf?

Do you see things in how you related to your exgf that resemble how you related to either of your parents?

Perhaps either of these only applies to part of your childhood; it sounds like your father changed quite a bit, and I wouldn't be surprised if your mother changed too in response.