Acceptance... your ex is not who you thought

[C.Stein]

Been struggling with accepting my exgf was not who I thought she was.  I feel about half way there but I am in almost complete shock with the recent knowledge she almost certainly had an affair with my replacement during the last couple of months of our relationship.  The more pieces of the puzzle I see fit, the harder it is to believe and accept.  Emotional, physical, both ... .doesn't really matter.  Personally I find emotional affairs are more heinous than physical, but both are unforgivable IMO.

I always had a nagging fear in the back of my head that she was capable of this due to some red flags in the beginning of our relationship but I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt.  

Gut instincts vs. giving her a fighting chance to be a better person.  What a conundrum.

I never felt it was fair to judge people on past actions in a new relationship, however those past actions define who that person is to a great extent so they do warrant consideration and caution if necessary.

How does one go about protecting yourself from someone who convinces you they have changed and learned from their mistakes?  I feel it would be too harsh to condemn them for their past but at the same time you are taking a huge risk that past actions/behavior will repeat.  

Hows the saying go ... .Once a cheater Always a cheater.

Or is it this one ... .Never trust someone who lies to you. Never lie to someone who trusts you.

I feel second chances and giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the fair thing to do up to a point, but when you get repeatedly burned when doing this how do you continue to be equitable?

Sigh ... .just some incoherent ramblings from someone trying to accept the cold hard truth that my ex is not who I fell in love with.

[English Sid]

I remember earlier this year having a conversation with my now estranged UBPDW and after she had finished speaking, I vividly remember me saying to her that I don't know who you are and who have I been living with for the last 6 years.

This was before I knew about BPD.

[tribalmart]

SOO Agree with "Once a cheater, always a cheater" When I met my exBPDgf, she still was with her boyfriend (9 years r/s), he was travelling out of the country. I met her trough a web dating site. She told me he was the violent and abusive type of guy just to make her cheating more "legit"... .now I can tell you it was a total lie! It was just the result of her 9 years treatment, just a nice guy suffering like hell! You know what, 2 years after we met, she did the same thing to me! I caught her 3 times on POF (plenty of fish/dating site) and that's only what I know. So yes cheater often cheat again and again... .it's in their blood! It's one of the traits that makes BPD sufferer so hard to handle and very damaging in a r/s context. They do not process emotion like sane people.

[Caley]

C.Stein,

You seem very coherent to me.

[C.Stein]

You know what a real thorn is ... .she told me towards the end that she was not in love with who I had become this year ... .that person being the withdrawn, distant broken mess she had created (or I allowed her to create) with her behavior.

She also said I had mislead her to think I was someone I was not.  When she said that I just looked at her dumbfounded ... .couldn't even find the words for a reply for a minute or two.  She said both of these things like she had been practising them in her mind for a long time.

Now in retrospect I can see she was setting the table for excusing the affair she was having.  I think it was also a round about admission of guilt.

Now I am sure this is one of the things she is using to justify discarding me, the affair, and whatever else she did that I am not aware of.  I can almost hear it now ... .

Talk about projection!

[Fr4nz]

You know what a real thorn is ... .she told me towards the end that she was not in love with who I had become this year ... .that person being the withdrawn, distant broken mess she had created (or I allowed her to create) with her behavior.

She also said I had mislead her to think I was someone I was not.  When she said that I just looked at her dumbfounded ... .couldn't even find the words for a reply for a minute or two.  She said both of these things like she had been practising them in her mind for a long time.

She basically said the same things to me... .it's a common pattern among BPDs, nothing to worry about

[RedDove]

I understand what you are experiencing, as I have gone through the same exact thing. I feel acceptance is the most difficult part. It has layers to it. The acceptance that our partners have a disorder, AND the acceptance and realization they were not who we thought they were. Not at all. This I believe goes back to the mirroring of us, of our good. Then something happened that our exBPD's perceived as "bad" and the mirror was shattered. It could have been something as simple as using a wrong word, or not returning a text or call quickly enough.

Because of their disordered thinking, they perceived whatever the "little" slight was as bad and therefore we were then painted completely and "all bad". That's when the devaluing and search for a new "good" mirror comes into play. Only you have no clue there's still an issue, cause you talked to them about it, like a normal couple does, and thought it was resolved. Nope, it's festering beneath the surface like a volcano and then suddenly they're gone or with someone else.

My exBPDbd was always on POF and Craigslist in search of the next supply/victim. I've just found out a lot of the truth through my exBPDbf's former best friend. My ex always has multiple women. It's so he can always turn to someone to reflect good. He always cheats and when he gets caught, he then dissociates and claims he was never in a committed relationship with you. Oh, and he calls you a stalker if you find out about the cheating and confront him.

I understand giving someome the benefit of the doubt and not judging them by their past. I did the same thing with my exBPDbf. Only he lied about his past. He lied about almost everything! He told me every woman he'd been with had cheated on him! Oh yes, he played the victim very well and hooked me in with his stories and lies. I truly loved him. But, I've learned he's a chameleon and mirrors whichever woman he's currently trying to lure in or is sleeping with. It's sad. Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater!

He lied to me for the entire past year. He told me he was single, dating, and living at his sisters down the street from me. That he had deep regrets about me, us. Loved me, always has, always will. Well guess what? His former best friend reached out and informed me my exBPDbf is still with my replacement from last summer AND he's been living with her for a YEAR! He's been living a double life.

I believe the saying goes something like... ."When someome shows you who they really are the first time, believe them!" I know that's hard and harsh cause we typically give people the benefit of the doubt. BUT, we've learned a lot about ourselves through our BPD experience. We have to believe that our true selves are now in a better place. We have to trust our true selves to lead and guide us.

[C.Stein]

Went through some old emails, probably not a good idea.  There was a time when everything was really good, the dream come true.  The first 4 months or so were difficult to say the least, but there was a time following that when things seemed to stabilize and everything was great, more or less.  

I stopped writing emails trying to explain my feelings during this time because I was just spending too much time writing, but also because things were mostly good.  The bad stuff that happened during that time is just from memory, which is spotty because I think I was learning that getting close to her meant being in pain.  I buried or ignore the stuff she was doing that hurt me ... .I let her cross my boundaries!

It is hard to see her for what she did in the last 6 months of our relationship when you remember how good things were at one time, how good she was at one time.  It is damned infuriating to say the least and it causes me to question myself once again.  Argh ... .it is all a pointless exercise at this point but I can't help but wonder how much I contributed to the relationship imploding.  Regardless of what I did though, the lies, deception and likely affair in the end are all boundaries for me ... .and she knew this right from the beginning.  There really no excuse for her with regard to those ... .it speaks to her core integrity regardless of the surrounding circumstances.  Feels like I have gotten hit by a bus because I just wanted to believe so much that she would not do these things to me.

I keep remembering little things and possible lies that I blew off this year that pointed to her getting "involved" with another man.  Every time I remember another one I just want to scream in frustration and anger ... .and sometimes I do.     I think I blew them off because at that point I just didn't care anymore one way or the other ... .I guess I had already given up, she had already become somewhat of a stranger to me.

I'm cycling emotions like crazy right now ... . anger, sadness, regret, acceptance, denial, guilt.  

Too bad I can't just cut out that part of my brain, just for a little while.  

[zundertowz]

Been struggling with accepting my exgf was not who I thought she was.  I feel about half way there but I am in almost complete shock with the recent knowledge she almost certainly had an affair with my replacement during the last couple of months of our relationship.  The more pieces of the puzzle I see fit, the harder it is to believe and accept.  Emotional, physical, both ... .doesn't really matter.  Personally I find emotional affairs are more heinous than physical, but both are unforgivable IMO.

I always had a nagging fear in the back of my head that she was capable of this due to some red flags in the beginning of our relationship but I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt.  

Gut instincts vs. giving her a fighting chance to be a better person.  What a conundrum.

I never felt it was fair to judge people on past actions in a new relationship, however those past actions define who that person is to a great extent so they do warrant consideration and caution if necessary.

How does one go about protecting yourself from someone who convinces you they have changed and learned from their mistakes?  I feel it would be too harsh to condemn them for their past but at the same time you are taking a huge risk that past actions/behavior will repeat.  

Hows the saying go ... .Once a cheater Always a cheater.

Or is it this one ... .Never trust someone who lies to you. Never lie to someone who trusts you.

I feel second chances and giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the fair thing to do up to a point, but when you get repeatedly burned when doing this how do you continue to be equitable?

Sigh ... .just some incoherent ramblings from someone trying to accept the cold hard truth that my ex is not who I fell in love with.

Sounds like my relationship,  I knew a bit about her past and ignored major red flags.  I have always been non judgmental and gave people the benefit of the doubt so when we discussed my concerns I believed her.  Keep in mind at the time my concerns were she may be promiscuous and cheat not that she would have a mental illness... .I didn't even know what personality disorders where back then. I really have no one to blame but myself for getting myself in this position, but the positive is that I didn't fully buy into the fantasy and I detached while in the relationship.  It's still been a brutal process getting over my ex mostly anger and ego issues.  So I basically knew who my ex was and choose to ignore it.

[zundertowz]

Went through some old emails, probably not a good idea.  There was a time when everything was really good, the dream come true.  The first 4 months or so were difficult to say the least, but there was a time following that when things seemed to stabilize and everything was great, more or less.  

I stopped writing emails trying to explain my feelings during this time because I was just spending too much time writing, but also because things were mostly good.  The bad stuff that happened during that time is just from memory, which is spotty because I think I was learning that getting close to her meant being in pain.  I buried or ignore the stuff she was doing that hurt me ... .I let her cross my boundaries!

It is hard to see her for what she did in the last 6 months of our relationship when you remember how good things were at one time, how good she was at one time.  It is damned infuriating to say the least and it causes me to question myself once again.  Argh ... .it is all a pointless exercise at this point but I can't help but wonder how much I contributed to the relationship imploding.  Regardless of what I did though, the lies, deception and likely affair in the end are all boundaries for me ... .and she knew this right from the beginning.  There really no excuse for her with regard to those ... .it speaks to her core integrity regardless of the surrounding circumstances.  Feels like I have gotten hit by a bus because I just wanted to believe so much that she would not do these things to me.

I keep remembering little things and possible lies that I blew off this year that pointed to her getting "involved" with another man.  Every time I remember another one I just want to scream in frustration and anger ... .and sometimes I do.     I think I blew them off because at that point I just didn't care anymore one way or the other ... .I guess I had already given up, she had already become somewhat of a stranger to me.

I'm cycling emotions like crazy right now ... . anger, sadness, regret, acceptance, denial, guilt.  

Too bad I can't just cut out that part of my brain, just for a little while.  

My relationship was also rocky during the idealization period, during this time I think she was so obsessed with me that her fear of abandonment came out a lot and she would break down and act like a 3 year old... it was shocking.  The middle also seamed to stabilize but looking back there were lots of problems I think I just forgot them all because they don't stick out as much as the idealization and devaluation phases do.  All 3 phases seemed to last a year and the last year was absolutely brutal.  I also gave up during this time and she ripped me to shreds.  My ex seemed BPD at times during the first year and by the last year she seemed like a full blown narc.

[C.Stein]

Yes, the idealization stage was not fun.  After the first discard we had about 4 months that were really good.  There were a few thing that were a problem but for the most part it was like a stable idealization stage, not over the top, just seemed like two people falling deeply in love with each other.

There were a few times though that I can remember where it broke down in those months of joy, including a time I thought she might have been getting involved with someone, at least that is what my gut told me.  Just by chance I might have prevented it but I do know she shared some very personal information with this guy that she had never told me.  

Really struggling to detach myself from this woman.  Keep going back and forth between the woman I fell in love with and the woman she appears to really be.  The feeling that I lost the love of my life, which I think I might have been able to prevent.  Then the feeling of relief that I have avoided a life time of misery, or worse, being abandon once we were married which would be far more pain than what I am dealing with now.   Then the knowledge I was replaced before I was discarded.  The feeling of loss is almost unbearable at times ... .then it gets replaced by anger in an instant ... .anger towards her, anger towards myself ... .then the loss and sorrow come back.  

It is driving me insane.

I want her to acknowledge what she did to me and to show some damned remorse and concern for my feelings.  Might as well wish for winning the lottery 10 times in a row.  

I need to stop thinking of that transitory woman I fell in love with.

[once removed]

great thread c stein. it was incredibly hard for me to accept this.

on one hand id known her three years before we were together. i had ignored some red flags. i think with every fiber of my being i thought she was incapable of leaving me (something i had to dig into as well) and discarding me as she did, and i certainly thought she was utterly incapable of cheating on me, or lining up a replacement. it absolutely shattered my sense of what i thought i knew, whether i could trust another, and whether i could even trust myself. a lot of that has sorted itself out over time. im no longer afraid. that doesnt mean i wont be careful in the future, or that ill put certain behaviors in people beyond my imagination in general. im realistic. future partners will hurt me. ill hurt them. people arent perfect; it doesnt mean they arent well intentioned, and frankly, our exes were well intentioned themselves.

as you probably know, pwBPD lack a stable sense of self. its frankly traumatic to realize they werent who we thought they were, but the concept alone is hard to get a handle on. my ex outwardly changed a lot when she left me, with the replacement; shes been single for a while and i mostly recognize her; shes finally had success in her chosen career and seems very happy with it too. its not as if she has no trace of a personality. but that sense of who she is on a long term basis is just not present.

[C.Stein]

on one hand id known her three years before we were together. i had ignored some red flags. i think with every fiber of my being i thought she was incapable of leaving me (something i had to dig into as well) and discarding me as she did, and i certainly thought she was utterly incapable of cheating on me, or lining up a replacement. it absolutely shattered my sense of what i thought i knew, whether i could trust another, and whether i could even trust myself. a lot of that has sorted itself out over time. im no longer afraid. that doesnt mean i wont be careful in the future, or that ill put certain behaviors in people beyond my imagination in general. im realistic. future partners will hurt me. ill hurt them. people arent perfect; it doesnt mean they arent well intentioned, and frankly, our exes were well intentioned themselves.

Isn't that the crux of it?   The internal struggle to reconcile the person you fell in love with and the person who did things you believed/trusted they would never do.  It's not like I didn't have my fears she was capable of doing things like this, but I did believe and trust that her love for me would prevent her from "sliding" into bad habits.   I thought she was at least capable of knowing right and wrong before committing to a course of action, not afterwards.  Clearly she was not.  

One of the most difficult things to accept is how she continually put her needs ahead of my own at the expense of my emotional well being, the most hurtful coming post discard with the knowledge of the likely affair.   This happened on numerous occasions throughout our entire relationship but I kept excusing it, refusing to believe what was right in front of my face.  

As our relationship progressed I was less and less impacted by these "events", then wasn't impacted by them at all after the intricate deception she pulled on me.   She knew she screwed up bad at that point and I think she just gave up.   It was too hard for her to accept responsibility for what she did to me and to face my pain.  It was far easier for her to ignore it and let me drift alone in pain under the guise of "giving me space".   I never asked her to give me space but note the shifting of responsibility.  I should have walked at that point especially given recent realization that she only admitted to the deception to relieve her feelings of guilt not because it was the right thing to do for me.

Certainly there are times when a person needs to think of themselves however one of the core principles of a loving relationship is putting the needs and feelings of your partner ahead of your own.  That being said, it needs to be a two way exchange and it shouldn't destroy one partners emotional well being for the sake of the others.  I did this so many times for her, sacrificed my emotional well being, that it did destroy me.

As you pointed out this has led to questioning myself, my judgement and weaknesses.   There were several points in our relationship where I nearly walked away.  Those times were surrounded in anger over something she did that hurt me and walking away in anger is something that doesn't sit right with me.  That however doesn't take away from the feelings of frustration and pain that caused me to get to the point where I was ready to throw in the towel.   I never did because I loved her despite the pain and I couldn't bring myself to give up on her or us.   Poor judgement ... .weak ... .yes?

I think at this point I am having a difficult time convincing myself her behavior is consistent with BPD & HPD (comorbid), or maybe I am still struggling with my own issues of being the caretaker and want to find a way to excuse her behavior.   I read so many horror stories on this forum and she wasn't anywhere close to these people which makes me question and doubt myself and her even more.   I know that BPD is a spectrum disorder but still?  That said she has displayed all of the DSM IV criteria at times and varying  degrees in our relationship.  Screening tests that I took using my knowledge of her and our relationship also showed she has a high likelihood of suffering from BPD.   Of course her actions still define her so there is no looking past that.

I need to accept her for who she is in order to let go ... .but in order to let go I need to accept her for who she is.  

[hashtag_loyal]

walking away in anger is something that doesn't sit right with me.

Why is that? Could you not be both a selfless lover on the one hand, and a reluctant warrior who won't take #&%$! from anyone on the other?

One thing I've learned in life: It's hard to take care of others when you can't take care of yourself. It's tough to stand up for others when you can't stand up for yourself.

[C.Stein]

Why is that? Could you not be both a selfless lover on the one hand, and a reluctant warrior who won't take #&%$! from anyone on the other?

Not walking away from an argument, walking away from the relationship.  Regardless of how angry I might have been at a particular moment, decisions made in the heat of the moment are not typically sound or logical.

She didn't berate me like you see people report on this forum all to often.  Her style was mostly silence, a particular look, or tone of voice (contempt mostly but not often).   Her behavior was subtle and she played the victim all to well.  This appealed to my sympathy at times, but not in a fashion where I would just lay down.  That said it got to the point where I just ignored the threats to break up with me or suicide ideation saying to myself  ... .Oh, this again.  I had tried in the past to get her to see it was wrong and to be honest I just got tired of trying to get her to understand what she was doing to me.  It wasn't frequent enough or bad enough for me to walk away at the time, but it was enough to cumulatively cause serious emotional damage.  This I can see more in retrospect, but even when I was in the middle of it I could see/feel myself backing away from her because every time I allowed myself to get emotionally closer to her I got hurt.    

I suppose one thing I do struggle with is that it's not like she didn't have a good reason to be upset at times, it was how she approached and dealt with the situation that was unacceptable.  Then there were times when she was just being plain unreasonable.

I can't seem to get away from her in my head.  She was a part of almost every aspect of my life and I can't go anywhere without being triggered.  It is more than a little difficult to function right now and it is really frustrating me.  I just can't seem to put my finger on why I still feel so attached to her, I didn't when she discarded me.  Perhaps if I could identify why I still feel this strong attachment I could finally detach my emotions from this woman and accept her for who she is.

[Schermarhorn]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

[C.Stein]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

Interesting take.  I did think I meant a lot to her, I was after all the first person she had seriously discussed building a family with.  I guess in a way I also went into the relationship knowing the chances of this happening were high, considering the red flags I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt on.  

I believe she clearly showed me in the last 6 months of our relationship that I didn't mean that much to her at all.  Once I stopped filling her needs she latched onto the first person who showed an interest in her.   This is who she is, I know this, but she also had the potential to be so much more and that is what makes it all so difficult to accept.

Marriage or not it would not make a bit of difference.  She actually told me once that she didn't believe in commitment without marriage, as if that piece of paper would magically transform her into a good person.  I tried to point out to her she had it all backwards, that you can't have a marriage until you can commit yourself to someone first.  I don't know if she ever understood that or not.  Based on her likely affair at the end of our relationship I think it is safe to say she didn't understand.

[zundertowz]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

Interesting take.  I did think I meant a lot to her, I was after all the first person she had seriously discussed building a family with.  I guess in a way I also went into the relationship knowing the chances of this happening were high, considering the red flags I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt on.  

I believe she clearly showed me in the last 6 months of our relationship that I didn't mean that much to her at all.  Once I stopped filling her needs she latched onto the first person who showed an interest in her.   This is who she is, I know this, but she also had the potential to be so much more and that is what makes it all so difficult to accept.

Marriage or not it would not make a bit of difference.  She actually told me once that she didn't believe in commitment without marriage, as if that piece of paper would magically transform her into a good person.  I tried to point out to her she had it all backwards, that you can't have a marriage until you can commit yourself to someone first.  I don't know if she ever understood that or not.  Based on her likely affair at the end of our relationship I think it is safe to say she didn't understand.

My ex was pushing marriage the last year of the relationship, I told her let's try and not fight for two weeks straight and we will talk about it.  She could never do it.  A week before we broke up for good she asked me to look at a place she picked out for us to elope... .in a week she went from wanting to elope to having no use for me and wanting to ruin my life... .hasn't initiated contact in 8 months... .I'll never make any sense of it.

[Schermarhorn]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

I was after all the first person she had seriously discussed building a family with.

How do you know this? My ex said a lot of things that made me feel different. At this point I would have a harder time believing that she is telling the truth about anything.

[Schermarhorn]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

Interesting take.  I did think I meant a lot to her, I was after all the first person she had seriously discussed building a family with.  I guess in a way I also went into the relationship knowing the chances of this happening were high, considering the red flags I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt on.  

I believe she clearly showed me in the last 6 months of our relationship that I didn't mean that much to her at all.  Once I stopped filling her needs she latched onto the first person who showed an interest in her.   This is who she is, I know this, but she also had the potential to be so much more and that is what makes it all so difficult to accept.

Marriage or not it would not make a bit of difference.  She actually told me once that she didn't believe in commitment without marriage, as if that piece of paper would magically transform her into a good person.  I tried to point out to her she had it all backwards, that you can't have a marriage until you can commit yourself to someone first.  I don't know if she ever understood that or not.  Based on her likely affair at the end of our relationship I think it is safe to say she didn't understand.

I told her let's try and not fight for two weeks straight and we will talk about it. 

Very wise. You avoided disaster.

[Herodias]

I believe once a cheater always a cheater unless they make an effort to change and not do it again. I don't think these people are capable of doing that. They have enough trouble controlling "normal" behaviors let alone the extreme ones... .In church they say to repent and never do it again. Mine was always cheating... .horrible!

[zundertowz]

To me, I knew who she was the entire time. I knew being with her would most likely end up with me being hurt.

What I need to accept is that I wasn't what I thought I was to her.

Interesting take.  I did think I meant a lot to her, I was after all the first person she had seriously discussed building a family with.  I guess in a way I also went into the relationship knowing the chances of this happening were high, considering the red flags I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt on.  

I believe she clearly showed me in the last 6 months of our relationship that I didn't mean that much to her at all.  Once I stopped filling her needs she latched onto the first person who showed an interest in her.   This is who she is, I know this, but she also had the potential to be so much more and that is what makes it all so difficult to accept.

Marriage or not it would not make a bit of difference.  She actually told me once that she didn't believe in commitment without marriage, as if that piece of paper would magically transform her into a good person.  I tried to point out to her she had it all backwards, that you can't have a marriage until you can commit yourself to someone first.  I don't know if she ever understood that or not.  Based on her likely affair at the end of our relationship I think it is safe to say she didn't understand.

I told her let's try and not fight for two weeks straight and we will talk about it. 

Very wise. You avoided disaster.

I was duped in a lot of ways but not into marriage thank god!

[C.Stein]

How do you know this? My ex said a lot of things that made me feel different. At this point I would have a harder time believing that she is telling the truth about anything.

Good point.  The only other person that she would have discussed family with would be the guy before me and I would have a really hard time believing they (she) didn't discuss it. 

[ShatteredSoul]

I can't seem to get away from her in my head.  She was a part of almost every aspect of my life and I can't go anywhere without being triggered.  It is more than a little difficult to function right now and it is really frustrating me.  I just can't seem to put my finger on why I still feel so attached to her, I didn't when she discarded me.  Perhaps if I could identify why I still feel this strong attachment I could finally detach my emotions from this woman and accept her for who she is.

I'm at that point right now also. I can't eat the same things i use to enjoy, even some of my favorite things. I can't listen to music most of the time, we had a lot of mutual bands we liked and i can't bring myself to listen to them. Even when i go out to run errands i can still feel her "ghost" in the car with me. I feel constant guilt and shame and cannot seem to get her out of my mind. I can't sleep more than 4 hours a night. I fight depression and anxiety and more from the fallout of this relationship. I know she is a damaged and disordered person who suffers everyday from BPD... .what did i do to deserve this pain and suffering... .? That is my struggle everyday... .I'm broken and time just seems to be moving very slow and I'm not seeing a light at the end of my darkness.

[C.Stein]

I'm at that point right now also. I can't eat the same things i use to enjoy, even some of my favorite things. I can't listen to music most of the time, we had a lot of mutual bands we liked and i can't bring myself to listen to them. Even when i go out to run errands i can still feel her "ghost" in the car with me. I feel constant guilt and shame and cannot seem to get her out of my mind. I can't sleep more than 4 hours a night. I fight depression and anxiety and more from the fallout of this relationship. I know she is a damaged and disordered person who suffers everyday from BPD... .what did i do to deserve this pain and suffering... .? That is my struggle everyday... .I'm broken and time just seems to be moving very slow and I'm not seeing a light at the end of my darkness.

You and me both.  

I think people will say the level of pain we feel is due to an unhealthy attachment style.  We were so emotionally enmeshed with them that we are having a very difficult time untangling our emotions from her and the relationship.  We both hold onto the illusion of the person we thought they were (or could be) when we fell in love with them.  That wonderful person is tied so strongly into our psyche that we can't seem to eject them or separate them from our emotions.

My ex is at least two different people.  

One is a honest, respectful, kind, generous, affectionate, caring, loving and passionate person who I fell deeply in love with.  When I was around this person I felt content, happy and very loved.  I could see a future with this woman filled with happiness and love.  I would have walked though hell for this woman; I would have died for this woman ... .and I have in many ways.

The other is a self-centered, deceptive, emotionally unstable, impulsive, uncaring, angry child who puts her own needs above all else regardless of the cost to others.  This person acts many times without thought to the consequences and takes no accountability for her actions.   This person runs away from herself and her actions and is unable to show empathy for my feelings.  This is the person I saw when she wasn't getting something she needed, or thought she wasn't getting, from me.  This is the person I saw when she unloaded all the negative stuff she had bottled up during the day as a result of having to put on the mask for people she interacted with.  This is the person I saw when her negative destructive emotions would take control of her, be it briefly or for an extended period of time.  

Over the last 6 months of our relationship I couldn't see the person I fell in love with anymore.  She had seriously betrayed my trust and in many ways became a stranger to me.  She would say ... .you will never believe anything I say anymore ... .you will never trust me again.  Putting aside her speaking for me, the problem is she didn't understand how deep the knife had cut.  The most damaging aspect of this betrayal was trusting her with my love and heart.  This is something she never saw, understood or accepted.

My blinders were then completely gone, my heart was numb, I just stopped caring and no longer felt emotionally close to her.   The woman I fell in love with would not do these things to me ... .I was in denial.  I still held onto hope because I do love her, even though on some level I knew it was unlikely our relationship would ever be the same again.  

I became extremely depressed (still am) and I distanced myself from the pain (her) ... .I essentially shut down emotionally.   She made no attempt to repair the damage she had done.  When I needed her to stand by my side the most she chose instead to start grooming my replacement.

These are two different people, but they are not.  My problem is I am still seeing her as these two different people.  For the first 5-6 weeks after the final discard I was still emotionally numb, I still saw her as the person who hurt me.  Then my emotions starting rebooting and I began to really miss the person I fell in love with.  As time went on the sadness and pain got worse and worse, the good memories had all but replaced the bad ones.  I forgot how I felt during those 6 months, forgot why I couldn't bring myself to make an effort to stop the relationship from imploding.

I am still very emotionally enmeshed with that person I fell in love with.  I have separated the good from the bad once again and I need to reintegrate them into a whole person.  I need to accept that she, as a whole, is not the person I thought she was or had the potential to be.  Once I can do this I believe I will finally accept and let go of the dream.

[cloudten]

I understand what you are experiencing, as I have gone through the same exact thing. I feel acceptance is the most difficult part. It has layers to it. The acceptance that our partners have a disorder, AND the acceptance and realization they were not who we thought they were. Not at all. This I believe goes back to the mirroring of us, of our good. Then something happened that our exBPD's perceived as "bad" and the mirror was shattered. It could have been something as simple as using a wrong word, or not returning a text or call quickly enough.

Because of their disordered thinking, they perceived whatever the "little" slight was as bad and therefore we were then painted completely and "all bad". That's when the devaluing and search for a new "good" mirror comes into play. Only you have no clue there's still an issue, cause you talked to them about it, like a normal couple does, and thought it was resolved. Nope, it's festering beneath the surface like a volcano and then suddenly they're gone or with someone else.

My exBPDbd was always on POF and Craigslist in search of the next supply/victim. I've just found out a lot of the truth through my exBPDbf's former best friend. My ex always has multiple women. It's so he can always turn to someone to reflect good. He always cheats and when he gets caught, he then dissociates and claims he was never in a committed relationship with you. Oh, and he calls you a stalker if you find out about the cheating and confront him.

I understand giving someome the benefit of the doubt and not judging them by their past. I did the same thing with my exBPDbf. Only he lied about his past. He lied about almost everything! He told me every woman he'd been with had cheated on him! Oh yes, he played the victim very well and hooked me in with his stories and lies. I truly loved him. But, I've learned he's a chameleon and mirrors whichever woman he's currently trying to lure in or is sleeping with. It's sad. Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater!

He lied to me for the entire past year. He told me he was single, dating, and living at his sisters down the street from me. That he had deep regrets about me, us. Loved me, always has, always will. Well guess what? His former best friend reached out and informed me my exBPDbf is still with my replacement from last summer AND he's been living with her for a YEAR! He's been living a double life.

I believe the saying goes something like... ."When someome shows you who they really are the first time, believe them!" I know that's hard and harsh cause we typically give people the benefit of the doubt. BUT, we've learned a lot about ourselves through our BPD experience. We have to believe that our true selves are now in a better place. We have to trust our true selves to lead and guide us.

This could be my story- except I didn't have a friend that clued me in. I guess I don't trust myself though. I thought I trusted myself and then I got involved with BPDx... .and now I dn't trust myself.