Hello Everyone... my story. (long)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 Ok, I'm not the best at telling a story in print but i will do my best here.

  I was in a relationship for just over 9 1/2 years with my undiagnosed ex-girlfriend. I never really understood what BPD was or much about it until the last few months of my relationship. I thought she was showing more signs of just depression or bipolar disorder. I tried to talk to her about her symptoms and depression. We had not slept together for almost 4 months and she was growing more distant and cold from me. During our relationship we broke up and got back together at least 7 times that i can say for sure. So i felt her pulling towards number 8 here. I was almost pleading with her to talk to me, just open up and talk to me. I would tell her "I love you babe, we can take on the world together. Just let me in... .talk to me" I was met with " I don't wanna talk about it", "Stop trying to make me talk about this" or my favorite " I don't know what to say".  Now i started to look online and find ways to help... .I came across BPD. So i researched.   Well breaking up and getting back together 7 times. I caught her in several lies. She almost lost her mind when i called her out on some of these lies... .I can now add cheating. We talked about a future, children (picked out names), getting married ( i bought her a ring and was gonna propose, but didnt because of these red flags) She was an animal in bed (best sex i ever had). But I know i lost myself completely in her back in 2011. My brother was diagnosed ALS. Before his diagnosis i was going through a high point with my ex. She and i were living in an apartment, we had good jobs and we were ( so i thought) very happy. Once my brother got sick, i lost my desire to propose and began to neglect my ex as she would put it.  So she met an old friend online who lives an the other side of the country almost and was married with kids. I was trying to help my brother out and his family while he was getting worse, meanwhile she was having these fantasies about this other guy. I found out about them and confronted her about it. She sat on our sofa with tears running down her face telling me she thinks "he's the one that got away". I lost it, I said " are you serious? Are you really telling me this and trying to break up with me as my brother is dying ?" And she was... .i should have just walked out and told her to go to hell. Instead we were locked into a lease for the rest of the year. So i stayed. i ignored her and had my mind made up i was done with her. Then November came. My brother passed away. I was at the hospital with my family. I was in the room praying over my brother, I felt arms go around me and hold me. I looked back and it was her. I don't know how she got there and i don't know why she came... .But for some reason i just needed her. She held me close and told me " She was there for me always and was sorry". I my defenses were down, i was weak. After the funeral and services she was like the best girlfriend ever. She did everything for me and satisfied me anyway and anyhow.  Fast forward 6 months later... .She lost her job and then the bottom fell out again. We didn't keep the apartment, expenses got to high and we moved into seperate homes with family. Then the rollercoaster began again. She loved, she did'nt... .back and forth for the next 3 years. I was trying to get her to move back in  together and got met with excuses. I watched her isolate so many people. She has only 1 friend left. Her mom is nice but is more of an enabler. I tried to talk to her about everything and she did'nt think there was a problem. I told her i loved her daughter and wanted to spend my life with her, but she keeps pushing me further away.  I got nothing... .Her dad was a cold cerebral man, did'nt bother talking to him. So i tried to talk to my ex as much as i could to get to the heart of the problem. That is when she really started to avoid me. I must have been getting to close. We got into a big blowout of a fight and we broke up... .This time no snapback or recycle. It's now 3 1/2 months. She moved on and is dating another guy from our neighborhood ( we only lived a few blocks apart). I found it odd this guy looks like a heavier version of me and has a lot of the same interests as me. ( But thats besides the point) I'm left trying to pick the pieces of my life now as she just moves on and from what i can see, not a care in the world about me.   I have been researching BPD and watching videos and reading books on this since the breakup. I have a better understanding about all the strange and crazy and wild things that went on during the relationship. I understand conversations now that i did'nt years and months ago.  But for me i now feel like a broken man... .

I still don't eat well, i lost 25 lbs in the 3 months. I can't sleep more than 4-5 hours a night. I have bad anxiety and breakdowns at random times. I can't focus on anything for a long time. I dream about her all the time. I can barely listen to music anymore, we like so many of the same bands that it honestly hurts to listen to music now. I am in therapy and admitted to my therapist that i've had moments that the emptiness consumes me so much sometimes that i want to just kill myself.  I'm broken and i feel like i can't let go of her. I have gotten to a point where i feel like i'm getting over her, but just can't let her go... .   I know the bad times are there and remind myself of those all the time, but my head and heart just keep going 12 rounds and i continue to suffer.

    So i think i said a lot here. I'm really not sure if my story was clear, i'm not great at telling 9 1/2 years into a small story and give all the facts and details. I can and will welcome input, questions and support from all. I thank you for welcoming me to the family and i really look forward to talking to everyone.

         Thank you for reading.

[ShatteredSoul]

 Ok, I'm not the best at telling a story in print but i will do my best here.

  I was in a relationship for just over 9 1/2 years with my undiagnosed ex-girlfriend. I never really understood what BPD was or much about it until the last few months of my relationship. I thought she was showing more signs of just depression or bipolar disorder. I tried to talk to her about her symptoms and depression. We had not slept together for almost 4 months and she was growing more distant and cold from me. During our relationship we broke up and got back together at least 7 times that i can say for sure. So i felt her pulling towards number 8 here. I was almost pleading with her to talk to me, just open up and talk to me. I would tell her "I love you babe, we can take on the world together. Just let me in... .talk to me" I was met with " I don't wanna talk about it", "Stop trying to make me talk about this" or my favorite " I don't know what to say".  Now i started to look online and find ways to help... .I came across BPD. So i researched.   Well breaking up and getting back together 7 times. I caught her in several lies. She almost lost her mind when i called her out on some of these lies... .I can now add cheating. We talked about a future, children (picked out names), getting married ( i bought her a ring and was gonna propose, but didnt because of these red flags) She was an animal in bed (best sex i ever had). But I know i lost myself completely in her back in 2011. My brother was diagnosed ALS. Before his diagnosis i was going through a high point with my ex. She and i were living in an apartment, we had good jobs and we were ( so i thought) very happy. Once my brother got sick, i lost my desire to propose and began to neglect my ex as she would put it.  So she met an old friend online who lives an the other side of the country almost and was married with kids. I was trying to help my brother out and his family while he was getting worse, meanwhile she was having these fantasies about this other guy. I found out about them and confronted her about it. She sat on our sofa with tears running down her face telling me she thinks "he's the one that got away". I lost it, I said " are you serious? Are you really telling me this and trying to break up with me as my brother is dying ?" And she was... .i should have just walked out and told her to go to hell. Instead we were locked into a lease for the rest of the year. So i stayed. i ignored her and had my mind made up i was done with her. Then November came. My brother passed away. I was at the hospital with my family. I was in the room praying over my brother, I felt arms go around me and hold me. I looked back and it was her. I don't know how she got there and i don't know why she came... .But for some reason i just needed her. She held me close and told me " She was there for me always and was sorry". I my defenses were down, i was weak. After the funeral and services she was like the best girlfriend ever. She did everything for me and satisfied me anyway and anyhow.  Fast forward 6 months later... .She lost her job and then the bottom fell out again. We didn't keep the apartment, expenses got to high and we moved into seperate homes with family. Then the rollercoaster began again. She loved, she did'nt... .back and forth for the next 3 years. I was trying to get her to move back in  together and got met with excuses. I watched her isolate so many people. She has only 1 friend left. Her mom is nice but is more of an enabler. I tried to talk to her about everything and she did'nt think there was a problem. I told her i loved her daughter and wanted to spend my life with her, but she keeps pushing me further away.  I got nothing... .Her dad was a cold cerebral man, did'nt bother talking to him. So i tried to talk to my ex as much as i could to get to the heart of the problem. That is when she really started to avoid me. I must have been getting to close. We got into a big blowout of a fight and we broke up... .This time no snapback or recycle. It's now 3 1/2 months. She moved on and is dating another guy from our neighborhood ( we only lived a few blocks apart). I found it odd this guy looks like a heavier version of me and has a lot of the same interests as me. ( But thats besides the point) I'm left trying to pick the pieces of my life now as she just moves on and from what i can see, not a care in the world about me.   I have been researching BPD and watching videos and reading books on this since the breakup. I have a better understanding about all the strange and crazy and wild things that went on during the relationship. I understand conversations now that i did'nt years and months ago.  But for me i now feel like a broken man... .

I still don't eat well, i lost 25 lbs in the 3 months. I can't sleep more than 4-5 hours a night. I have bad anxiety and breakdowns at random times. I can't focus on anything for a long time. I dream about her all the time. I can barely listen to music anymore, we like so many of the same bands that it honestly hurts to listen to music now. I am in therapy and admitted to my therapist that i've had moments that the emptiness consumes me so much sometimes that i want to just kill myself.  I'm broken and i feel like i can't let go of her. I have gotten to a point where i feel like i'm getting over her, but just can't let her go... .   I know the bad times are there and remind myself of those all the time, but my head and heart just keep going 12 rounds and i continue to suffer.

    So i think i said a lot here. I'm really not sure if my story was clear, i'm not great at telling 9 1/2 years into a small story and give all the facts and details. I can and will welcome input, questions and support from all. I thank you for welcoming me to the family and i really look forward to talking to everyone.

         Thank you for reading.

[Circle]

Hey there, welcome. So sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. That truly is awful.

The loss of this woman though; blessing in disguise. It sounds very painful. I know how that feels. I can relate. I've been in those shoes more than once. The last time I saw it on the horizon, I prepped ahead of time and got on anti-depressants. They take the edge off the physical pain in your chest/heart, of loss. And, for me, helped create a more stable seeming mood. They just helped; not a cure-all though.

And, from experience, that pain goes away. It takes time, yet gets better, bit by bit, day by day, month by month. Until eventually, you can see the person for who they really are. I got to the point, where, I can really say, I wouldn't want to be with the one woman I am thinking of, who I was madly in love with and left me. It took me a while though. And, going to counselling helped out with the process also.

From reading your writing, it sounds like you are in the right place. The recycling; break-up/ make-up is a big indicator. And, fantasizing about another to the point where they say stuff like "He's the one that got away", is something that happened with my exDw/BPDGF (ex diagnosed with borderline personality disorder girlfriend). She wasn't diagnosed when I first arrived on the site though. But, it's not that hard to figure out, if you read enough about it. She is probably in the 'cluster-b' group of personality disorders (look it up).

Hang in there with the pain. Read people's posts and you will see that so many people are in the same boat. It's also been recommended to read some posts from the 'staying' board once in a while too; as it helps remind ya what you AREN'T missing out on.

Be good to yourself.