recover and move forward

[Vickie]

I am the daughter of a parent (mother) who shows many signs of BPD.  My mother has not been diagnosed by a professional and talking to a therapist is not agreeable to her.

I learned about the disorder stumbling on the internet in an attempt to get help with my struggles with her.  I read the Book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" which opened my eyes to the realization of my childhood with my mother.

I currently am a 53 year old woman, married with 2 grown daughters and I struggle with how to accept that I have a love/hate relationship with my mother who depends on me now and has since my parents divorce when I was 12 years old.  My mother uses manipulative behaviors for attention and for caregiving purposes.

I need help with getting over the guilt of not wanting to be in the reverse role relationship with her and live my life in a happy way.

I have 3 other siblings that live out of the State I live since I was 12 years old.  I talk with them on occasion - the youngest of us communicates with my mother often but the roles there are much different than with me.  My mother does not feel as confident with the support and/or care she can get from her as she does myself but I need this to stop.  I am unable to enjoy my life because I am constantly reminded of what a miserable person she is.  I need to learn to stop worrying about the choices she has made in her life and realize that I cannot "fix" her.  I want to be able to enjoy my life and feel good about the accomplishments I have made and continue to make without always being reminded of how needy she is of me.

She is 76 years old at this time and physically healthy.  However, I am currently noticing additional signs of confusion, and memory issues also.  I am very concerned that I cannot do for her what she needs and she absolutely refuses to give up her possessions to live in an assisted or senior housing setting.  I need some help and advice on moving forward to feel better and live a finally happy life.

Thank you in advance for any help I can get.

Vickie

[Kwamina]

Hi Vickie

You have been dealing with this for a very long time now. I am glad you are reaching out for support here, many of our members know how difficult it can be dealing with a BPD parent.

We have some resources here that I suggest you take a look at as I think they might apply to your situation. This is an excerpt from our article about emotional enmeshment:

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

Many parents and children are close. Closeness is healthy and desirable. The difference between a healthy close relationship and an incestuous one is that in a healthy close relationship a parent takes care of a child's needs in an age-appropriate way without making the child feel responsible the emotional needs of the parents needs. In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Emotional incest happens when the natural boundary between parental caregiver, nurturer, and protector is crossed and the child becomes the defacto caregiver, nurturer and protector of the parent. This typically occurs when a the marriage unravels or when there is a broken family dynamic (e.g., substance abuse, infidelity, mental illness and the dependency upon a child increases.

Do you feel like any of the above applies to your experience with your mother?

You also specifically mention needing help with getting over the guilt. In another article we also talk about the subject of guilt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say fear, obligation and guilt are elements that accurately describe your relationship with your mother?

You can read more about these subjects here:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Enmeshment?

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Take care and welcome to our online family