Very Confused

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

Ive posted before and you responded to one question of mine about what recycled meant.  It seems that my therapist and a person that has experience with BPD think she will return due to the pattern she has displayed in the last 19 years.  I've posted more details about my relationship previously.  I'm not sure what to do.  This time around I have healed quite a bit through therapy and very little contact.  We do have four kids but I've really kept this boundary.  So basically, she will create this horrible image of me to friends and family, stray and then come back.  She's always ended the other relationships.  I don't know whether to go file for divorce or not.  She's caused a lot of damage this time around but this time around I see more of what could potentially be wrong with her and I feel guilty.  Any advice.

Joe

[Joem678]

Hi there,

Ive posted before and you responded to one question of mine about what recycled meant.  It seems that my therapist and a person that has experience with BPD think she will return due to the pattern she has displayed in the last 19 years.  I've posted more details about my relationship previously.  I'm not sure what to do.  This time around I have healed quite a bit through therapy and very little contact.  We do have four kids but I've really kept this boundary.  So basically, she will create this horrible image of me to friends and family, stray and then come back.  She's always ended the other relationships.  I don't know whether to go file for divorce or not.  She's caused a lot of damage this time around but this time around I see more of what could potentially be wrong with her and I feel guilty.  Any advice.

Joe

[Mutt]

Hi joem678,

I see what your T is saying. She may very well return. It's our choice to re-ignite a r/s or not. A relationship takes two people.

So basically, she will create this horrible image of me to friends and family, stray and then come back.

Some and not all pwBPD will act out. Some pwBPD are demur and act in and some pwBOD will act out and react very angrily when they are anticipating imagine it real rejection, they have an innate fear of aloneness and are terrified of being abandoned and the person believes that their circumstances are derived externally from other people with their behaviors / actions and will blame shift their behaviors.

I went through something similar where my ex devalued me and distorted the truth with friends and family. More than a couple of years have passed and I ran into two of our mutual friends that had both taken her side after she left me with different reactions from both. I was completely ignore from one old friend and I could tell that he was very uncomfortable, I think that he didn't want to take sides and he may of believed the horrible stories my ex said.  The other old friend talked to me and I think that compartmentalizes and was acting as if nothing had transpired, he seemed to pick up where we had left off two years ago.

I think that the common denominator with both of them us that they were not in my relationship and didn't see my ex acting out and saw the mask that she displays to the world. My ex wife's distortions don't define me as a person, there are two sides to a story and if someone doesn't ask me my side it raises alarms bells with that person.

Another criterion for BPD is splitting and the inability to see a person as a cohesive whole with both good and bad qualities. When your ex creates this horrible image of you, that's not a true interpretation of who you really are, it's distorted. You had a long history with her. How did your friends and family react when she returned and she wasn't distorting your image? Was she only saying good things about you? Were they confused with her behaviors?

I don't know whether to go file for divorce or not.  She's caused a lot of damage this time around but this time around I see more of what could potentially be wrong with her and I feel guilty.

How are the kids? Whom do they stay with when you separate? How old are they? Are they old enough to sense that there's something off?

We can't tell you to file for divorce or not. I knew what my limit was and I didn't have anything left in me for our marriage because my ex clearly showed that she didn't value what a marriage us and it didn't seem to phase her when she was behaving badly. If she didn't care, I didn't see the point, it was more important for me to protect and nurture the kids from the instability and impulsive behavior. What triggers these guilty feelings?

[Joem678]

[I see what your T is saying. She may very well return. It's our choice to re-ignite a r/s or not. A relationship takes two people. ]

Mutt, this scares me.  As I move forward and heal this time around, it gives me a scary feeling.  Hope this makes sense.  It would be nice if she would just leave me alone.  I know with kids it is impossible.  I did distance myself this past year as I saw behaviors resurfacing.  I guess between her mom and I , we triggered this episode.

[ How did your friends and family react when she returned and she wasn't distorting your image? Was she only saying good things about you? Were they confused with her behaviors?][/quote]
Her family stopped speaking to her because of this as did her coworkers from two previous jobs.  She had to change jobs!  This goes back 19 years to our freshmen year in college as the same thing happened.  She had to move from her dorm to another dorm because all her friends dropped her. 


The kids stay 7 days with and 7 days with me.  The two oldest have notice that there is something off!  ":)ad, mom is mental"

Very hard to think right now.

[Mutt]

Mutt, this scares me.  As I move forward and heal this time around, it gives me a scary feeling.  Hope this makes sense.  It would be nice if she would just leave me alone.  I know with kids it is impossible.  I did distance myself this past year as I saw behaviors resurfacing.  I guess between her mom and I , we triggered this episode.

Can you describe what scares you? My ex wife had a child from a previous r/s. I recall being scared because I have 15 years with co-parenting until our youngest is old enough. I didn't want to go through the chaos that my step child went through with access to my kids.

Honestly, I think that my kids will gravitate to dad before the 15 years is up but what scared me the most at one point was the chaos that her old child went through with access with her father. The advantage that I have is that I have a custody agreement with the courts and if she oversteps a boundary it can be enforced. I was lucky that I was told that my ex wife displays traits of BPD were my kids older sister's dad didn't know but I don't think that he would have learned about the disorder.

The kids stay 7 days with and 7 days with me.  The two oldest have notice that there is something off!  ":)ad, mom is mental"

Very hard to think right now.

You mentioned her mom and that she partly triggered this. What's the back-story there? I know all of this is very hard to think about and it's probably very tiring with 4 kids. Ate the oldest kids making you feel guilty?

[Joem678]

Mutt,

What scares me is a possible return.  That's been the pattern.  I see many similar traits then in previous occurrences.  This time it is a lot more severe.  In the past, at the end of the day she just drops the other, whether sexual or not.  I've seen a couple of people just lose it because she returns to a "normal" state.  It's as if she doesn't remember many things during this period.  I always thought she was faking it.

When I hear about what my kids observe, it makes me more certain that she has a disorder and it does guilt me.  Do I see the sickness or walk away? 

With her mom, she has always believed what she says about me.  I haven't spoken to her mom in 5 years.  She encourages her to stray as well... .

It's a nightmare.

[Infern0]

I can tell you that my BPD returned after I honestly thought we would never have any contact again. Our first breakup was carnage so you can imagine my shock when she popped up trying to reconcile.

I had not had enough NC and recovery time so I let myself get dragged back in. Obviously there was no real change in her behaviour.

You have to try and unmesh and get to the stage where contact won't sway you.

If she has a history of going back its liable to repeat, all you can control is how you handle that

[Mutt]

What scares me is a possible return.

Infern0 is right, you have to enmesh, you can break this cycle and find your center. I know how all of this can feel disorientating. You have the kids for a week and she has the kids for a week. I wouldn't suggest NC if you have kids. I did minimal contact and parallel parenting in the beginning to stop the bleeding, unmesh and detach.

[Joem678]

Thank you inferno and mutt for responding.  I don't have NC at 100% because of the kids.  I feel like I also have not had enough time.  I get stronger everyday though.  I do want to detach from the manipulation.  It's what she tells me why I avoid her.  She says the most horrible things.  The last straw was she was telling me how horrible a husband I was.  How horrible a father I was.  How she wants a divorce.  But she called me "babr" throughout the entire conversation.  I can't handle it.