Probably-Borderline Ex, Need Support

[MapleBob]

I ultimately want to feel independent from her too, if that's the way things have to go.

[steve195915]

Hope you get answers.  My experience with my BPDgf and from what I read on here, it's common that they usually don't give direct answers that the relationship is over.  They seem to like to keep their options open if they think they can get away with that.  Even when they say it's over, it's so common for them to leave some door open to come back after the next failed relationship.  

I've had that "where do we go from here" discussion.  I just tell her I love her and want a mutual commitment, that she's the only one for me... .  I don't get that from her though.  At most she says she loves me, "but ... . ".  The "but's" may that she doesn't trust me, that she that she doesn't want to feel controlled, or I'm this or that way, or why would I want someone like her, and other reasons.  The reasons aren't justified as I never gave her a reason not to trust me and I'm definitely not controlling.  Whats confusing is how do I take what she is saying.  When I say it sounds to me she wants to end it and I'll have to accept that and move on she'll say she never said its over.  The conversation never has a clear conclusion, we may still  be together but I feel unsatisfied as there's no real commitment on her part to make it work.  I just get negative comments and "we will see how it goes".  Hopefully you'll get a clearer resolution.  

During your time apart, do you know if she's seeing anyone else?  If so how would you feel about that?  Hope things work out the best for you!

[MapleBob]

Hope you get answers.  My experience with my BPDgf and from what I read on here, it's common that they usually don't give direct answers that the relationship is over.  They seem to like to keep their options open if they think they can get away with that.  Even when they say it's over, it's so common for them to leave some door open to come back after the next failed relationship.

That's one of the few mysteries in my experience with her. From what she's told me about her past relationships, she's mainly a "when I say it's over, it's over, *completely*" type of person. She has said "I've never fought with someone for this long before" and things like "you've put up with more s**t from me from anyone ever has, and you still love me (maybe even more than before), and that is amazing." But I don't know. Even right before the initial, awful just-post-breakup no contact period, she made it definitively clear that she would reach out to me again some day. So she's definitely keeping her options open with me, at least! Which kind of sucks, honestly - while I want to be with her again, I'd prefer a definitive cataclysmic fall-out with her to this shifting limbo state.

During your time apart, do you know if she's seeing anyone else?  If so how would you feel about that?

Well. I'm fairly confident that she has at some point (or maybe currently is) seeing someone. If so she's keeping very very quiet about it. We're still friends on social media (well, we're friends on social media AGAIN), and there is a guy that I worry about, but I couldn't say for sure. I also have hints that she's NOT seeing someone. She said she was glad that finalizing her divorce wasn't done "for a man" (this was a few weeks ago), and she's said that she's not looking to have a relationship with me or anyone else right now, until she sorts out her mental health/life situation. It doesn't really matter all that much to me if she IS - I mean, it would hurt to be replaced, but I sense that part of her struggle with me is feeling like I *can't* be easily replaced, but that our relationship also can't be easily fixed (especially long-distance). I kind of assumed from the beginning (for my own peace of mind) that she is/was going to be seeing people. I'm casually re-entering the dating scene myself, because after almost ten months now I'm losing confidence in the prospect of getting my ex to re-engage.

[steve195915]

Well. I'm fairly confident that she has at some point (or maybe currently is) seeing someone. If so she's keeping very very quiet about it. We're still friends on social media (well, we're friends on social media AGAIN), and there is a guy that I worry about, but I couldn't say for sure. I also have hints that she's NOT seeing someone. She said she was glad that finalizing her divorce wasn't done "for a man" (this was a few weeks ago), and she's said that she's not looking to have a relationship with me or anyone else right now, until she sorts out her mental health/life situation. It doesn't really matter all that much to me if she IS - I mean, it would hurt to be replaced, but I sense that part of her struggle with me is feeling like I *can't* be easily replaced, but that our relationship also can't be easily fixed (especially long-distance). I kind of assumed from the beginning (for my own peace of mind) that she is/was going to be seeing people. I'm casually re-entering the dating scene myself, because after almost ten months now I'm losing confidence in the prospect of getting my ex to re-engage.

I have the same thoughts that my BPDgf has a hard time letting me go because I put up with so much garbage from her and that I am a very caring person and can't be easily replaced.  Sounds like your trying to find peace and acceptance of the situation and re-entering the dating scene is a great way to start.  I tried dating and made a few friends but all I could do was think of her and then once her 'new' relationship ended with fireworks, I get the text how she missed me and we had something special and what a great guy I am and we should get together.  Well we did and are back together precariously at times.   Of course she had me remove my any female friends or acquaintances from my life because she perceived they may be a threat.  Now after we seemingly are doing great, I feel I'm getting pushed away again, just waiting for her to make some bogus excuse to have a breakup.  Also I noticed she's been liking and commenting on this particular guys fb posts quite a bit so probably thats her fishing for another option.  I dare not bring that up to her.  I defused her breaking up the other day with me as I stayed calm, used validation, empathy, and said all the right things that calmed her down, and she stayed.  This is very frustrating in that why can't they just make a commitment and stick to it.  I keep telling myself, next breakup with her is the last time and I will go NC. 

Good luck on your situation Bob, you're not alone!

[MapleBob]

Of course she had me remove my any female friends or acquaintances from my life because she perceived they may be a threat.

Oh I've been there! (Sort of.) She took me commenting or liking or complimenting or having friendships with other females as VERY threatening when we were still together. And I had no idea until it came out during the breakup. I was legitimately just friends with these people, and some of them were even HER friends as well! I'll never live down going to a fancy-dress party with her and telling her that one of her friends looked gorgeous. It was just a casual comment that came up in conversation when she mentioned that it was nice to see her friends dressed up, and after SHE had complimented specific individuals herself! Every time I complimented or mentioned something that I liked or disliked about someone else (even in very general terms), she took it very personally. We were literally in contact something like 16hours/day, 7days/week and somehow I wasn't paying her enough attention. Sheesh.

I defused her breaking up the other day with me as I stayed calm, used validation, empathy, and said all the right things that calmed her down, and she stayed.  This is very frustrating in that why can't they just make a commitment and stick to it.

That sounds like my experience too. I'm very good at calming her down, but calming her down doesn't really get us anywhere if she can't be calm during a serious discussion of any kind.

[MapleBob]

Really I'm just at the point where I want to stop making things *worse*. So I come here and rant about this stuff and get advice, instead of bottling it up and spewing when I talk to her again. 

[steve195915]

I understand that Bob as I come on here to to rant and rave.  I think its because I can't have a real discussion with her and say what I'm thinking or it might set her off. 

[MapleBob]

I understand that Bob as I come on here to to rant and rave.  I think its because I can't have a real discussion with her and say what I'm thinking or it might set her off. 

Yeah, likewise. The advice helps too.

Anybody have any idea what she means when she says she's "nostalgic", but "doesn't have romantic/sexual feelings for me"? Nostalgia is a pretty romantic feeling! And I don't entirely believe her anyway.

[MapleBob]

I feel so mad at her today! Grrrrrrr. Nothing happened, I'm just feeling like a fool again for obsessing so much over her, and for thinking about her so much, and for trying so hard for so long.

[steve195915]

I understand that Bob as I come on here to to rant and rave.  I think its because I can't have a real discussion with her and say what I'm thinking or it might set her off. 

Yeah, likewise. The advice helps too.

Anybody have any idea what she means when she says she's "nostalgic", but "doesn't have romantic/sexual feelings for me"? Nostalgia is a pretty romantic feeling! And I don't entirely believe her anyway.

I have no idea what she means by nostalgic.  Fortunately the sex is amazing with my BPDgf.  That's one of the main things that allows me to put up with all her garbage.  If not for the sex it definitely would not be worth it.  I also think she uses that as a form of control and also it makes it difficult for her to walk away.  She commonly has 5-10 orgasms everytime with me and has told me it was never quite like that with anyone else in her life.  Guess I'm lucky as I know she cut sex off with her ex for the last several years of their marriage.   

I feel so stupid at times for obsessing over mine when I know she will verbally abuse me, lie, probably break up and see someone else, will be a financial drain and all the other things I have to deal with because of her BPD.  Knowing what I inevitably know what will happen yet I still am unrealistically hopeful and I still stay... .talk about foolish.  But I'm hooked, at least the sex is great!

[MapleBob]

I have no idea what she means by nostalgic.  Fortunately the sex is amazing with my BPDgf.

Yeah, mine too. Like, "everything I ever wanted from a sexual relationship" level good. We even often referred to our dates (being long distance) as "sex vacations".

[Mutt]

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