Perhaps I am BPD also

[hollycat]

Reading the red flags; dealing with BpdH, talking with him. I am beginning to think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time letting go is that I have borderline tendenciesl.  Perhaps that is why we are so strongly drawn together? I don't know. He is coming to see me for Thanksgiving. This is not a move back in.  This is a visit.

[MSNYC]

I have been thinking this too. I have cheated before. I am afraid of being alone. I can yo-yo about my feelings during a breakup. I sometimes take great validation about feeling loved/wanted or feel unlovable. I miss my BPD ex a lot sometimes and feel we really connected.

But, then again, I don't abuse substances or paint people black/white, I have never flown into an uncontrollable rage, I have never been fired from a job or wrecked a car, I have had the same group of close friends for over a decade, never had trouble with the law, never been hospitalized, have stable relationships with my parents, have never experienced physical abuse. I don't lose friends regularly, I am really close to my sisters, I am wise with money, I don't do drugs (except on New Years/my bday).

If you think your BPD traits are actually interfering with your daily functioning, then it's something to think about. But if you have the BPD traits we all have a few of, that's another thing. Which is it?

[oceanblue]

I wondered that myself for a long time while I was in the BPD relationship.  The first thing I want to tell you is to be kind to yourself.  When you are in a BPD relationship, the BPD often blames you for everything and it can shatter your self-esteem.  Because of this, you can develop some BPD thinking and behaviors.  Look at your past and your current relationships, friendships, family, work - do you have BPD behaviors in those situations?  Before and after my BPD relationship, I think my coping skills and behaviors were pretty normal.  During my BPD relationship, I was a total mess emotionally for years.  My BPD ex also did a lot of amateur armchair psychoanalysis of me and convinced me I was the crazy one.

Give yourself some time to get out of the FOG.  I think therapy is helpful when you've spent some time with a BPD just to clear out some of the FOG.  But on the whole, if you have otherwise been functioning pretty well, you are probably about as normal as the rest of us.   

[hollycat]

I have had trouble with money. I have flown into rages, although not on an hourly basis.  I did not have good relationships with my parents.  I have a very steady job history and some friends I have known for years. I do not abuse drugs.  I do not feel my traits interfere with my daily functioning but they could explain why I have made poor relationship choices.  Perhaps why I feel such empathy with BpdH.

[hollycat]

I have never wrecked a car, or anything else. Never been hospitalized; never been in trouble with the law. I was a lawyer for 20 years! My feelings about this relationship can and do yo-yo tremendously. And yes, BpdH is definitely an arm chair shrink.

[oceanblue]

I think I am pretty normal.  I have had rages in the past.  I don't think there are very many adults who can say they have never lost it.  So, I would say that part is pretty normal unless the rages are constant or hurting your life.

I can say two years out of my BPD relationship - that I feel much more in control and normal and I can say looking back at my 8 years in the relationship - I was barely functioning and holding it together.

BPDs can really shred you.   Even if you think you are strong and it's not affecting you - it usually is.  It's just such a gradual process, it's hard to see while you are in it, how bad it is.

I was a mess in the last two years of my relationship and a year after it.  For the only time in my life I had panic attacks, depression, anxiety - just a low level of stress and misery.  Meditation helped.  Therapy helped.  But what really made my life better was getting rid of the BPD.   Everything about my life gradually improved including my own functioning.

I do not have a good relationship with my parents.  My parents probably had NPD traits - both of them.  I was neglected as a child.  That's in my past although my parents are alive and I barely talk to them now as my choice.  Having a poor relationship  with your parents can mean that you have a higher tolerance for bad behavior because bad behavior is familiar to you.  I want to stress this though - it does NOT mean there is anything "wrong" with you.  This is a good reason though to go to therapy.  Often people who had a dysfunctional family growing up learn maladaptive and self-defeating ways of coping. 

In some ways, I think this was the gift of my BPD relationship that caused me to grow.  I realized that my BPD ex was nuts - definitely.  But I also realized I don't set good boundaries for myself, I don't do a good job of self-care and I don't always see the red flags that other people see in dysfunctional people because those red flags are familiar to me from my own family.  Now I consciously make healthier choices for myself.

[MSNYC]

I was a mess in the last two years of my relationship and a year after it.  For the only time in my life I had panic attacks, depression, anxiety - just a low level of stress and misery.  Meditation helped.  Therapy helped.  But what really made my life better was getting rid of the BPD.   Everything about my life gradually improved including my own functioning.

I agree with this. The last few months of my relationship were the first time in my 34 years that I found myself suicidal, having anxiety attacks regularly, annoyed with my friends, withdrawing socially, crying for no reason. I feel, even though I miss my ex, like my old "happy" self again. I sleep at night, I like the company of people, I don't drink too much, and I definitely don't feel suicidal. And I can't believe that I did.

[Schermarhorn]

Reading the red flags; dealing with BpdH, talking with him. I am beginning to think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time letting go is that I have borderline tendenciesl.  Perhaps that is why we are so strongly drawn together? I don't know. He is coming to see me for Thanksgiving. This is not a move back in.  This is a visit.

I feel like after I have dated my ex that I have taken bad traits from her.

Especially during our final breakup, I basically hit an emotional boiling point and lashed out, just like she has done in the past.

It is one of the reasons I know I must stay away. Being with someone like that will change you.

[Michelle27]

I saw "fleas" in myself too towards the end.  There was one day I totally lost my composure and basically had a good old fashioned BPD rage of my own.  I remember it building and then texting (he was at work, I was at home) that I was putting dinner in the oven and it would be ready when he got home and that I was putting myself to bed.  I hoped to kind of sleep it off but I was so wound up I ended up staying in bed tossing and turning for hours and decided to get up and get something to eat.  When I saw him sitting in the living room, I lost it.  Totally blew my stack and felt totally out of control with my anger.  Put myself back to bed quick time.  This feeling lasted a couple days but other than the one "outburst" I kept it in check.  I remember really disliking myself that week... .

A couple months later after he crossed a boundary I had placed, we separated.  It was supposed to be a therapeutic separation in which he would work on his stuff and I'd finally feel safe.  At the 3 month mark, I knew I wasn't feeling any safer around him (and his behaviors got creepier and frankly, scarier and I knew I had to end it for good.  That's when the real healing and exit from the FOG began.

[Infern0]

Most of us are codependent. All borderlines are codependent so there is trait crossover.