Recovery after infidelity...this may be long

[runningtherapids]

Hello all,

I joined the boards about a week ago and posted in the "undecided" board initially. You can read that here... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285726.0 But decided to come over here, as I know that I want to stay with my uBPDw. That is what, after all, lead me to find this place.

I'm having trouble trying to understand my current situation as it stands with my marriage.

First off, we've been married for 16 years and have 5 children, 4 are mine, 1 is not. This most recent beautiful child is here as a result of, BPD, and the inner chaos of my wife and my unknowing about BPD. We've had at least 5 separations, 4 of which were her leaving and of significant time frames. The most recent, I left, as I was under extreme duress, and had been painted black again. And I had the added stress of my wife bringing my father-in-law back into the mix as she began her spiral. (I've been reading about triangulation) Subsequently, he literally unloaded on me, telling me all the problems in my marriage are entirely my fault, I've never experienced this level of hatred from him ever. It was quite the blow. We've been apart now for 3 months.

Last friday was our anniversary. I drove 3 hours to be with her, and see our kids. I had a plan, and had arranged childcare, so she did not have to worry. When I told her where I was going to take her, she disagreed, which is the norm when it comes to choosing a place to go out and eat. It took me a few moments to not get frustrated, but, agreed to go where she requested. Way less formal and "romantic" but we had fun. I had spent a while finding her the perfect gift, necklace and pendant, and I made her something as well. We ordered and ate, and had a beer together something she enjoys as much as me. Then we went outside where we could have a little more privacy and I gave her her gifts. She appeared moved, and teared a little as I was crying giving her these things, literal symbols of my heart. I spent the night at her house in the living room with our kids, "camping out". It was so much fun with my kids. The next day, I was feeling the leaving, really heavy. I know I was presenting that and tried to hide it, but what she saw was anger. ? I really can't figure that one out. So, as I was preparing to leave, I hugged all of our kids, talked to them all, they cried, I cried. I hugged my wife and we said I love you to each other. And that was it. I cried. But she did not. and as I drove away, the kids all waving and blowing kisses, she just stood there, looking into nothingness, and was emotionless. NO eye contact, no wave, know nothing. I suppose I should just see this for what it is, but, for some reason it really hit me. Almost like shes frozen in there, and can't feel. Or, she does feel, and can't process it, or make it known. I'm so confused.

About halfway home she texts me and tells me that the whole weekend, all she wanted to do, was reach out and hold me. That she felt my heart on Friday, but that I, pulled away and she could not feel it Saturday or Sunday. So, she with held reaching out. I just don't get it! I try not to feel crushed, emotionally, but, it was our anniversary. We are still declaring our love openly to each other and that we don't want to divorce. But, seemingly her actions contradict her words. Being knew to understanding BPD, I'm still finding how to understand the probable processes that pwBPD have. But, it still doesn't make the hurt go away.

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[Reforming]

Hi runningtherapids

I'm really sorry to hear that things are so tough right now. It's sounds like you've gone through an awful lot during your marriage and you're trying to deal with a very difficult situation right now. I understand that it's heartbreaking to be separated from your kids

You mentioned infidelity without going into the specifics.

Couples can and do recover from affairs, but it takes a lot of work and both partners need to be fully committed to the process. I tried couple counselling when my partner cheated - it didn't work in my situation, but that's must my experience. Couple counselling tends to be more challenging when there's a personality disorder involved, but if you find the right counsellor - someone who understands personality disorders - it can definitely help

Being in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD can hugely challenging, traumatic and confusing. To put it simply someone suffering from BPD interprets the behaviour of others and the world around them in a very different way.

I remember during a session with our marriage counsellor remarked that I was very angry. Our counsellor responded by the saying that she didn't see anger in my face she saw anxiety.

But this was how my ex read my face and body language.

Over time - we were together for 15 years - I grew so conditioned to her distorted perceptions that I began to doubt myself and believe her.

There's considerable evidence to suggest that someone suffering from BPD often misreads others facial expressions and body language in a distorted way because they are in a permanent state of high alert.

It's very possible that your wife genuinely sees anger. She might also be projecting her anger on to you. She might feel anger because seeing you upset makes her feel guilty and ashamed and she's casting of her anger on to you.

Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself.

Please keep posting

Reforming







In that sense the counselling was very helpful because it helped me to see our relationship in a more objective light.

[runningtherapids]

It has been difficult for many many years. I suppose I naively thought it to be a phase, of adjusting to life as married, but the phase never stopped. It just continued to get worse.

I mentioned infidelity, as 2 years ago, this is where life with my uBPD wife took us. I suppose it was the root cause of the BPD that manifested that actually caused the manner in which she reacted this time. It's almost impossible to describe the events that led up to this, as I almost think I'm crazy when I talk about them. Not to mention it would be pages long. It's like a really scary psycho-thriller movie, but, i really don't think Hollywood could actually write this stuff.

The blessing in all of this, is we have a daughter now, and my boys adore her. As do I, she is a treasure beyond measure. I'm helpless in the ensuing court battle now, between my wife and the father. That's hard for me to deal with, and it's certainly something that my wife refuses to talk about. that's why I ended up having to leave most recently. I was trying to share my feelings and struggle, and she told me I had made up my mind, and to go. Someday, I wish I could actually share MY thoughts and feelings with my wife, not just hers.

I believe that we can recover from this, but I think it is going to take her realizing and admitting to her disorder, or its going to take a counselor/therapist with experience with BPD to be able to help us work on the relationship giving the nature of BPD. I know I need help, to learn to heal myself from 16 years plus my own baggage from prior to being married. It's like having to re-learn how to be me. Not give up me, which is what I did for so long.

Thanks for responding... .It does much just to share.

[RedPixie]

Hi there,

I wonder if she was just frozen with guilt or preparing herself (hardening) for your departure again... .

It sounds like you had a lovely weekend.

It sounds like she text you remorsefully, that she wishes she had reached out... .

I have dealt with infidelity too and it has made my pwBPD traits a different man / i no longer have him on a pedestal and he misses that, being everything... .

I wish you all the best x x

[JohnLove]

I'm helpless in the ensuing court battle now, between my wife and the father. That's hard for me to deal with, and it's certainly something that my wife refuses to talk about. that's why I ended up having to leave most recently. I was trying to share my feelings and struggle, and she told me I had made up my mind, and to go. Someday, I wish I could actually share MY thoughts and feelings with my wife, not just hers.

Hello runningtherapids, i suspect your wife believes YOU want a divorce. That YOU have made up your mind. The only way to not get a divorce is now to convince her you don't want one while SHE continues to believe you do. She doesn't believe she has to do anything.

It does not help your situation that all the while your father in law is validating her distorted beliefs.