Hello all,
I joined the boards about a week ago and posted in the "undecided" board initially. You can read that here... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285726.0 But decided to come over here, as I know that I want to stay with my uBPDw. That is what, after all, lead me to find this place.
I'm having trouble trying to understand my current situation as it stands with my marriage.
First off, we've been married for 16 years and have 5 children, 4 are mine, 1 is not. This most recent beautiful child is here as a result of, BPD, and the inner chaos of my wife and my unknowing about BPD. We've had at least 5 separations, 4 of which were her leaving and of significant time frames. The most recent, I left, as I was under extreme duress, and had been painted black again. And I had the added stress of my wife bringing my father-in-law back into the mix as she began her spiral. (I've been reading about triangulation) Subsequently, he literally unloaded on me, telling me all the problems in my marriage are entirely my fault, I've never experienced this level of hatred from him ever. It was quite the blow. We've been apart now for 3 months.
Last friday was our anniversary. I drove 3 hours to be with her, and see our kids. I had a plan, and had arranged childcare, so she did not have to worry. When I told her where I was going to take her, she disagreed, which is the norm when it comes to choosing a place to go out and eat. It took me a few moments to not get frustrated, but, agreed to go where she requested. Way less formal and "romantic" but we had fun. I had spent a while finding her the perfect gift, necklace and pendant, and I made her something as well. We ordered and ate, and had a beer together something she enjoys as much as me. Then we went outside where we could have a little more privacy and I gave her her gifts. She appeared moved, and teared a little as I was crying giving her these things, literal symbols of my heart. I spent the night at her house in the living room with our kids, "camping out". It was so much fun with my kids. The next day, I was feeling the leaving, really heavy. I know I was presenting that and tried to hide it, but what she saw was anger. ? I really can't figure that one out. So, as I was preparing to leave, I hugged all of our kids, talked to them all, they cried, I cried. I hugged my wife and we said I love you to each other. And that was it. I cried. But she did not. and as I drove away, the kids all waving and blowing kisses, she just stood there, looking into nothingness, and was emotionless. NO eye contact, no wave, know nothing. I suppose I should just see this for what it is, but, for some reason it really hit me. Almost like shes frozen in there, and can't feel. Or, she does feel, and can't process it, or make it known. I'm so confused.
About halfway home she texts me and tells me that the whole weekend, all she wanted to do, was reach out and hold me. That she felt my heart on Friday, but that I, pulled away and she could not feel it Saturday or Sunday. So, she with held reaching out. I just don't get it! I try not to feel crushed, emotionally, but, it was our anniversary. We are still declaring our love openly to each other and that we don't want to divorce. But, seemingly her actions contradict her words. Being knew to understanding BPD, I'm still finding how to understand the probable processes that pwBPD have. But, it still doesn't make the hurt go away.
