xbf trying to work around restraining order

[cloudten]

I never fail at being a weak person when it comes to my dBPDxbf with restraining order.

In short, I am 6 weeks into an 18 month restraining order after he tried to kill me in Vegas. In the last year, he triangulated me with one of his employees. She became a very good friend. I am currently 6 almost 7 weeks NC.

I have largely ignored her pleas to be friends. I blocked her, along with him and all his friends and family, on social media.

Yesterday she got to me though. She texted me upset that I had blocked her everywhere. In a moment of weakness I responded and simply told her it hurt too much to speak with her because she works for him. We talked more. I miss her friendship.

So, I agreed to meet with her for dinner last night. We met at a public restaurant. We talked and talked about her recent engagement, how her family is reacting, and about the plans she is making for the wedding.

Then she talked about him. of course. Essentially- she said he loves me, misses me, but realizes it will never work. He blames me for not holding his hand when he needed me the most (like in the rage). He doesn't remember the incident in vegas... .at all. He is not dating- and he is working on himself. She asked me if I regret the restraining order. She told me that he wants me to lift the restraining order because he feels like he can't go anywhere (boo effing hoo- welcome to my hell every time we broke up in the last 3 years) and because he wants to talk to me.

This was my first time to see her in person since the vegas incident. I explained to her that I held his hand for 3 years, through all of the b.s. I held his hand until it was impossible to hold it anymore. I told her that I am sorry he feels abandoned when he needed me most.  I laid out why I got the restraining order. I explained that I didn't take it lightly, that there were real, credible threats, and that from the time of the temporary to the permanent, I had 2 weeks to consider it and never waivered. I have no regrets with the restraining order because it gives me space. It gives him space too.

She gave me the name of a song that he gave to her to give to me. Ironically- the same band he just saw in Arizona (my favorite)... .one of their songs... .Stand Too Close by Motion City Soundtrack.

After meeting with her- I feel confirmed that his actions in Arizona with the instagram pictures and the video of Motion City Soundtrack were completely a message to me. It was absolutely to get to me.

So where I am at today:

1. guilty. i feel guilty- that same guilt every one of you feel. i made his worst nightmare come true. i abandoned him. he is a sick person... .yet i couldn't stay through sickness.

2. i miss him. i miss him so much. every cell in my body hurts. he was absolutely my best friend. he couldn't relax and be comfortable in the relationship... .but to me it was home. in a way i am homeless again. I was truly homeless for 2 months after one of our breakups... .but this is an emotional homelessness. I was at home with him. maybe i am as delusional as he is... .but i miss him so much. I miss him. I don't think things would ever be the same... .but I miss him.

3. angry that he wants me to lift the restraining order because he "feels like he can't go anywhere." I DON"T CARE. I don't frickin care that you can't go anywhere. GOOD. its GOOD you can't go anywhere.  If I could make it a lifetime restraining order, I would. Sorry you don't like boundaries buddy!  Oh- haha- he told my friend/his employee that he's "too pretty for jail."  Holy NPD.

4. He is absolutely still my drug... .and talking with her about him and getting that song was my fix. I can absolutely see that I am addicted to him.

I feel like in some ways this has set me back. but in other ways---- I can see how much stronger I am.  It was certainly a test of my mettle. 4 weeks ago, I doubt I would have stood so strong. I probably would have been running to my lawyer to lift the restraining order. I would have called him. I would have done something even more stupid than what I did last night.

I have never really been one to believe in soul mates... .but what if he was my soul mate. what if he is that one person i am supposed to be with. i would certainly die at his hands.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cloudten

What a nightmare situation, a well meaning 'friend' who has a biased perspective trying to 'help' get the pair of you back together again. She may as well be putting a gun to your head if the statistics are anything to go by. Well done for coming out the other side of it. I can appreciate that you miss her, but clearly he's using her naivety and she can't see the impact it's likely to have on you.

As far as guilt is concerned - he made his worst nightmare come true but set it up to look like it was your fault not his. He pushed and pushed and pushed you away, committing what could have been the worst of atrocities to make you abandon him, to push you to the limit so he could continue to believe that everyone abandons him, so he doesn't have to face himself and his pain. Place the responsibility where it clearly belongs - on him.

I know you miss him. The abuse doesn't erradicate the memories of the good times or the love we have for them, it just makes the whole situation unbearably difficult to comprehend. My thoughts are with you.

Love Lifewriter

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

It sounds his friend is loyal to him. I would question a friend that was not looking for my best interest. Does she know what you've been put through? I wouldn't ask someone to remove a restraining order after they had tried to kill someone.


If the courts didn't think that it was warranted, they wouldn't issue one? Why isn't he going through the proper channels if he feels like he can't go anywhere and tell a judge? He is responsible with how he conducts himself and nobody else.

[cloudten]

Lifewriter- you are always right... .he made his worst nightmare come true. It was his fault. we both know it was his fault. he is painting me black to his employee which is fine. frankly, i don't want the tie to him by being her friend.

Mutt- I agree she is loyal to him. I don't think she understood the entire situation until I told her everything last night. Up until now she has only had his (probably demented) version... .seeing as he doesn't actually remember the event... .it was probably lies. I think that after I explained everything to her, crying, she could see more clearly that the restraining order is necessary or at least warranted. I think she is a little like me in that she minimizes big events. That's what I have done this entire time.  I don't feel that she is being malicious. I think she genuinely wants to see us succeed and be together... .and she is having just as hard of a time believing the writing on the wall as I am/did.

I just have to remember that she gets his demented version of everything. she said they have "grown close". of course they have- he always confides in women because they are weaker, don't see through his b.s., and are beautiful and sympathetic. and he is especially "confiding" in her because he knows she talks to me. She is being triangulated again... .whether he and i are talking or not. She is the monkey in the middle. I would hate that position myself. I have been trying to remove her from it, but she wants to be there.

Everything he is telling her is one gigantic message to me. he knows she can't keep her mouth shut and it goes from him, to her, directly to me.

[cloudten]

Oh- one more thing that really frosts my cake-

everything she told me about him is ALL ABOUT HIM.

He didn't get his hand held.

He doesn't have freedom.

He didn't remember doing it.

He is the one suffering.

He can't move on.

Well, HE needs to be responsible for his actions. Its just like him to be completely self centered. She delivered no apology to me.

[Mutt]

cloudten,

You don't have to JADE his behaviors to anyone. Is it time to block this friend and make new friends? Let go of the past. Work for the future.

[once removed]

i agree with mutt that its probably time to block her and make new friends.

the nerve of this woman to ignore your boundaries repeatedly and harass you after all of this, only to tell you all about him. "do you regret the restraining order"  . how about hey, ive missed you, how are you doing. she sounds like a drama fiend.

im sorry youre feeling set back cloudten. i think its understandable. be kind to you, and protect your recovery  .

[cloudten]

I agree with all of you.

I have sat here at work the entire day waiting for my phone to ping like it's him. This is silly and ridiculous.

I need to let her down gently and block this. she is a drama fiend.

protect my recovery... .yes.

[Mutt]

I agree with all of you.

I have sat here at work the entire day waiting for my phone to ping like it's him. This is silly and ridiculous.

I need to let her down gently and block this. she is a drama fiend.

protect my recovery... .yes.

[cloudten]

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel so set back in my recovery the last two days. I am hoping tomorrow will be better.

I blocked the friend/his employee from texting me. Not even my BPD has that level of blockage.

I closed my facebook account... .since no matter how much I pare down my friends its still too exposed. I found out when I say I am going to attend a public event, it becomes public, telling the world where I will be and when. So that is gone. I blocked a few remaining stragglers on instagram that I didn't think mattered.

I am considering going to the police tomorrow... .just to keep them informed with some of the things that are going on. I had a police friend tell me that this is third party contact, and he can get in trouble for it. I don't have concrete evidence really... .so maybe I am wasting my time.

His house is right next to my daughter's school... .yay. There is no way I can avoid it... .there is only one way in and out of the school and it is right directly across the street from his driveway (he bought the house after knowing she goes to school there- there is a total history of that- him buying properties next to places I frequent).  I usually try not to pay attention which is practically impossible. Today there was a car I had never seen in his driveway... .I'm sure it was my replacement.

[Mutt]

cloudten,

Don't be hard on yourself. I can see how it would be triggering talking to your friend and hearing about your ex. Perhaps you don't have enough concrete evidence but the police should be able to advice you if it's enough or not, it sounds like it may be a good idea to talk to them anyway. So far, your ex has been obeying the PO and maybe he won't try to contact you again through a third party, you could look at it as defending your boundaries.

How do you feel about that that his house is right next to your daughter's school? I can see how that would make me nervous with having to drop off and pick my kids if I had an ex that threatened my life. It would be a huge inconvenience for you and your daughter but have you thought about changing your D's school?

[cloudten]

I really don't know that changing her school is an option. She is in one of the top 10 public elementary schools in the United States... .the entire US! So I just don't think removing her from that school so that I don't have to drive past his home is fair to her and her educational future. Plus I am just not sure I have the strength to battle her father on it. It is a really great school. I simply need to figure out how to get over it and drive past without panic attacks.

I am still undecided about going to the police. Maybe I'll go. I just don't know. He's "too pretty for jail" - said dBPDx. HAHA

That being said- I do feel better today. I am figuring this stuff out.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

I can see why you wouldn't want to change your daughter's school and quite frankly, why should you have to?

I suspect you've already considered this, but just in case you haven't, might the school be able to provide some support for you and your daughter when you drop off and pick up? It could well be argued that there is a child protection issue here... .

Was any consideration given to the issue of the location of your daughter's school when the restraining order was granted?

Love Lifewriter