Going NC is actually getting harder as more days pass?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I haven't seen or spoken to him in 13 days when my life blew up and I learned he was in a 6 month sexual and emotional relationship with another girl. He did horrible things to me throughout our relationship. So many put downs , so much disrespect and disregard for me. Definitely the last two months holding on after our breakup was horrible bc he would see me but it wasn't the same as when we were official. He used, manipulated and abused me emotionally. Why does it feel harder not talking to him or hearing from him. I thought in time it would get easier, we talked and texted everyday . Even after we broke up, that hardly changed. I think the longest I've gone in 20 months of him in my life was 16 days. But now I feel he has just moved on. He hates me for destroying his current relationship. Although I bet he dating others . I shouldn't be consumed with thoughts of him but I am. Everyday all day. I'm reading so much about BPD . And I'm here on these boards. I feel so stuck on him. I am in therapy and trying a new one next week. EMDR. I just don't want to handicap my life over a guy who wasn't good to me and really wasn't ever there for me. It was a bad relationship. I used to think lots of parts of it were good, but the cheating and lies destroyed that. He never ever cared to say sorry or explain himself when caught! Nothing at all. Not that I'd believe this pathological liar. 

[Itstopsnow]

I haven't seen or spoken to him in 13 days when my life blew up and I learned he was in a 6 month sexual and emotional relationship with another girl. He did horrible things to me throughout our relationship. So many put downs , so much disrespect and disregard for me. Definitely the last two months holding on after our breakup was horrible bc he would see me but it wasn't the same as when we were official. He used, manipulated and abused me emotionally. Why does it feel harder not talking to him or hearing from him. I thought in time it would get easier, we talked and texted everyday . Even after we broke up, that hardly changed. I think the longest I've gone in 20 months of him in my life was 16 days. But now I feel he has just moved on. He hates me for destroying his current relationship. Although I bet he dating others . I shouldn't be consumed with thoughts of him but I am. Everyday all day. I'm reading so much about BPD . And I'm here on these boards. I feel so stuck on him. I am in therapy and trying a new one next week. EMDR. I just don't want to handicap my life over a guy who wasn't good to me and really wasn't ever there for me. It was a bad relationship. I used to think lots of parts of it were good, but the cheating and lies destroyed that. He never ever cared to say sorry or explain himself when caught! Nothing at all. Not that I'd believe this pathological liar. 

[troisette]

Some days are easier than others but it does, little by little, get easier.

BPDs can create an addiction for us, worse than heroin. "He did horrible things to me... ." - it might be worth thinking about why you want contact with someone who was cruel. Exploring that in therapy maybe?

I sympathise, when you long for contact rationalising can go out of the window. Good luck, keep nc going, he sounds so not good for you.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Itstopsnow,

It sounds like you are hurting a great deal. It also sounds like you are very determined and I am sure a better life is within your reach.

As troisette says, symptoms of withdrawal from addiction can be present during a breakup. This article will tell you more.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

You might like to have a look at this one too, if you haven't already.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

In my experience, writing or posting about my anger, sadness and frustration, my lost hopes and my current fears, has really helped me to work things through and find peace. I have also heard that EMDR is very powerful. I hope you find it effective.

It is a process, but things do and will get better. In the meantime, remember to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself with all the love and kindness you'd hope others would show you.

Love Lifewriter

[cloudten]

I understand how you feel... .I am 7 weeks, NC, but last week was as hard as the first. This week is a little better.

You will have good days and bad days. Put some boundaries in place for yourself.

Are you having a hard time not contacting him or more of a hard time with the breakup- or both?

If you are having a hard time staying NC, i recommend coming up with a list of 10 things you need to do before you contact him.

My list- not in a particular order at the moment:

1. work out heavily for at least an hour

2. take a shower

3. take a walk

4. call a friend

5. post here

6. eat/drink something

7. take a nap or go to bed (this solves it almost every time)

8. Talk to one of my parents

9. soak in the tub with a glass of wine

10. write in your journal

If I do all of that and still want to contact him, then okay. So far, I have never gotten thru all of those feeling the same way on the other side.

It is like a drug. I had a friend call it battered persons syndrome... .a form of PTSD.

For me, mine was a shocking end (although not that I didn't see it coming- I simply believed it would never come down to him being so violent). So I have had a long time letting go. I am simply not capable of going from 100% completely in love to 100% detached. If I was capable of that, I would have done it already- and I would have more serious issues (like BPD).

If you are having a hard time with the breakup- just know that everything you are going thru is 100% normal. We have all been there. Post here as you need to. It's okay to grieve and work through the emotions. let it out... .lean into it... .acknowledge the feelings for what they are- and then be good to yourself... .be patient and kind... .let your inner mother comfort you.