Hi Itstopsnow,
It sounds like you are hurting a great deal. It also sounds like you are very determined and I am sure a better life is within your reach.
As troisette says, symptoms of withdrawal from addiction can be present during a breakup. This article will tell you more.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-upYou might like to have a look at this one too, if you haven't already.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personalityIn my experience, writing or posting about my anger, sadness and frustration, my lost hopes and my current fears, has really helped me to work things through and find peace. I have also heard that EMDR is very powerful. I hope you find it effective.
It is a process, but things do and will get better. In the meantime, remember to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself with all the love and kindness you'd hope others would show you.
Love Lifewriter