Blocked

[SummerStorm]

A few weeks ago, I found out that my former friend BPD has blocked my calls and texts through her carrier.  I was holding my phone and tossing it around in my hands and accidentally hit the dial button on her number.  I got the "This caller has restrictions" message.  I'm pretty sure she didn't do this after the first discard, which, in my opinion, was the angrier one (called me a poison, told me to stay out of her life, etc.).  I never tried calling her that time, and I assume that she was just ignoring my texts, though I suppose it's very possible that she also had me blocked that time and unblocked me when I was no longer painted black.     

5 1/2 months ago, I was one of the few people she sent a message to on the morning she tried to kill herself.  I was one of two people, other than her parents, who visited her in the hospital.

I know this is BPD and everything that comes with it, but it just sucks.  I would imagine that her ex is also blocked, since he called the cops on her and then sent her several nasty texts.  This happened the day after she discarded me the second time, so she probably just blocked us at the same time.  It's an easy way for her to avoid the shame associated with how she treated both of us. 

I've never been blocked by anyone before, so this is a bit weird for me.  I will admit that, after the first discard, I had my former friend's texts sent to my spam folder, but I did check it periodically.  I added her number to my auto reject list, but we never called each other, so it was more of a formality than anything.  I never completely took away her ability to contact me. 

So, the worst thing is that I've been added to her list of "stalkers" and "crazy people."  A mutual friend told me that she recently removed her location and job information from Facebook, and now I'm wondering if it's because she doesn't want me or our mutual friends to know where she lives and works.  I already knew both of these things, and they had been public for two months, so if I really was hell bent on tracking her down, I could have, but we all know that a pwBPD doesn't think logically. 

What really, really hurts is the realization that I have no importance in her life anymore.  Even with everything that happened with the first discard, she at least kept me updated on her life (told me she was moving and then told me when she decided not to move) and commented on things I told her about mine.  When she needed a place to live, she asked me.  Two weeks before she blocked me, she was asking me if I had fun at the soccer game I went to.

To me, blocking someone through the actual carrier is such a drastic step.  It would take a lot for me to block anyone. 

Probably the saddest thing is that this is such a clear sign that she has no intention of ever getting better.  Four months ago, she told me she was going to enter a program and that I was a major factor in her decision to become a better person.  I really thought she might finally take this big step.  Now, she's basically taken all of that back.       

[abq1980]

I know how you feel.  My last contact with my ex was in March and I didn't even try any form of contact for six months.  No texting, no calls, no emails, etc.  Even though I stopped contacting her she still blocked my number in that time.  I contacted a friend of hers in October by sending her friend ONE Facebook message.  For the most part, it was a message of hope and that I still cared for her.  I sent it to her friend because I was hoping to get advice from her on whether to send it or not.  What I got in return was I was served with a temporary restraining order three days later.  I fought it and won, but it was hurtful to realize my ex still hated me that much 7 months later with ZERO contact.  It was weird to see her at the hearing.  She had so much hate in her eyes.  I felt bad for her.  It only goes to show she is putting on a show for her friends and coworkers.

I agree with you on contact.  I think she is extemely ashamed of how she treated you.  I think my ex is too, but she will NEVER admit that to anyone, especially her co-workers/friends who have never seen her disorder.

[SummerStorm]

I know how you feel.  My last contact with my ex was in March and I didn't even try any form of contact for six months.  No texting, no calls, no emails, etc.  Even though I stopped contacting her she still blocked my number in that time.  I contacted a friend of hers in October by sending her friend ONE Facebook message.  For the most part, it was a message of hope and that I still cared for her.  I sent it to her friend because I was hoping to get advice from her on whether to send it or not.  What I got in return was I was served with a temporary restraining order three days later.  I fought it and won, but it was hurtful to realize my ex still hated me that much 7 months later with ZERO contact.  It was weird to see her at the hearing.  She had so much hate in her eyes.  I felt bad for her.  It only goes to show she is putting on a show for her friends and coworkers.

I agree with you on contact.  I think she is extemely ashamed of how she treated you.  I think my ex is too, but she will NEVER admit that to anyone, especially her co-workers/friends who have never seen her disorder.

This time around, I did text her after the second discard, and some of what I said wasn't exactly nice, but honestly, if she would have just replied, "Stop texting me," I would have.  Actually, a lot of what I said probably triggered feelings of shame.  Our last exchange before all of this was actually cordial.  Five days prior to that exchange, she called me crazy but didn't block me.  Then, she just stopped replying.  Right around that time, her ex-boyfriend was sending her very mean messages, so I think the combination of both of us texting her caused her to block us.  I don't know for certain if he's actually blocked, but I would imagine he is.  Deep down, she knows she treated both of us horribly.  We were there for her at her lowest point.  At one point, I considered buying a house with her.  He offered to give up his entire life here to move across the country with her.  She discarded me in the coldest way possible.  A month after leaving him, she stole from him.  Maybe, in her mind, she's finally decided to do us both a favor.   

[Learning Fast]

Hey Summer,

I've followed your posts for some time and the finality of what you've shared is hard to process.  However, your BPD friend has a very high "beta" (in my biz that would mean a lot of volatility) and I wouldn't be surprised if she shifted gears again and reached out to you when you least expect.  Stay distant, give her space and in the meantime determine how you want to respond if indeed this happens.

Have a great Thanksgiving (not sure if you live in the States!),

LF

[Schermarhorn]

I've been blocked and unblocked many times.

[SummerStorm]

Hey Summer,

I've followed your posts for some time and the finality of what you've shared is hard to process.  However, your BPD friend has a very high "beta" (in my biz that would mean a lot of volatility) and I wouldn't be surprised if she shifted gears again and reached out to you when you least expect.  Stay distant, give her space and in the meantime determine how you want to respond if indeed this happens.

Have a great Thanksgiving (not sure if you live in the States!),

LF

I agree.  I've warned her ex-boyfriend about this, too, but he has ignored my warnings.  Unlike me, he has never received an "apology" or any type of card/text/phone call.  At some point, I really think she'll send him something.  After all, he did save her life.  Holidays have always been a major trigger for her.  And ultimately, by still being friends on Facebook with two of our mutual friends (former co-workers of hers and current co-workers of mine), she hasn't completely shut me out of her life.  She doesn't see either one of them anymore, and she knows that I'm close to both of them, so there really isn't any reason for her to still be friends with them on there.  Actually, she's still friends with several of her ex's friends.  

She always wanted to go to the zoo with me, but we never made it there.  In the spring, I'm going with one of our mutual friends, and I'm sure we'll be posting pics from our trip, so that could be enough to trigger her.  

Obviously, there are other ways I could try to contact her, but I won't.  Eventually, I'm hoping that she'll realize I'm not really a crazy stalker.  I would prefer for her to not go around telling people that I'm crazy.  I'm a teacher and don't need that kind of awesome publicity going around.  At this point, I think she probably blocked me as a precautionary measure, more than anything.  Perhaps she realized what she'd done to her ex-boyfriend, got his messages, and was worried that he'd contact me and that I'd send similar messages.  While she's in the middle of idealizing this new guy, it doesn't really matter because that's all she's focused on.  

I've learned my lesson from the last time and will know how to respond if she contacts me again.  I've realized that I need to lower my expectations and practice radical acceptance.  She won't acknowledge the past, so there's no point in bringing it up.  She has extreme abandonment and engulfment fears, so I will do my best to stay firmly in the middle.  No more "We're friendly.  Can we be friends again?  Maybe.  I don't know" texts.  I really do believe that's the main thing that triggered her the last time.  I sent that on a Tuesday or Wednesday night, and by Friday, I was "crazy."  But I also have to be careful with not pushing too much.  

If she contacts me again, it's never going to be perfect.  Hell, it probably won't even really be good.  But I do think that I can take steps to at least be a stable force in her life and to work on validation skills.  That may not mean hanging out with her, but it would be nice to be someone whom she contacts when something important happens in her life.  


 

[SummerStorm]

I've been blocked and unblocked many times.

I guess it just feels so final this time.  The first time, she just completely flipped out on me, told her boyfriend not to contact me because I'm crazy, etc.  But I didn't really text her after that, other than to ask her a few times to send me things she borrowed.  That being said, she unfollowed me on Twitter and then made her account private, so I couldn't contact her on there, so maybe she did block me the first time.  If she did, it was only for a few weeks.  This time, it's been months. 

[Learning Fast]

Summer,

Have reached a similar point where I've been in the boxing ring for many rounds and have become indifferent to the end result.  I know her better than anyone else and could be a positive, stabilizing influence in her life---but that is up to her.  I've lowered the expectations bar and am practicing radical acceptance.  If she reaches out, great.  If she doesn't, that's ok too.  We can only impact what we can control and BPD ain't on the list.

I have learned that distance and time bring objectivity and clarity.  I wish you the best in approaching the upcoming holiday season with optimism and peace, my friend.

LF

[JSF13]

Summer I too was told by my pwBPDex that she was gonna get all this help. I went thru 3 hospitals and 2 suicide attempts. She told me I was everything to her. We had a life together but I am now painted black and blocked. I know it hurts. It upsets me daily but know you are not the issue. The illness is.

[JRT]

What really, really hurts is the realization that I have no importance in her life anymore.       

SS... .I know how you feel about this as my expwBPD blocked me as well. But I beg to differ with you: blocking is a sign that she STILL loves you and has blocked you because she is unable to handle the emotions associated with with remaining in contact with you. A person that that has no regard or importance to you would be indifferent, not go to lengths to avoid the pain of contact It is likely that despite all that had transpired, you meant the world to her... .and still do.

[Learning Fast]

JRT,

Valid point.  Sometimes they react the most adversely to those they care about the most.

LF

[rosesarered777]

What really, really hurts is the realization that I have no importance in her life anymore.       

SS... .I know how you feel about this as my expwBPD blocked me as well. But I beg to differ with you: blocking is a sign that she STILL loves you and has blocked you because she is unable to handle the emotions associated with with remaining in contact with you. A person that that has no regard or importance to you would be indifferent, not go to lengths to avoid the pain of contact It is likely that despite all that had transpired, you meant the world to her... .and still do.

So does that mean we will both likely be contacted shortly? My expwBPD usually reaches out around the 2-3 months timeline but that may change if she is dirt-poor and cannot make ends meet...

[JRT]

What really, really hurts is the realization that I have no importance in her life anymore.       

SS... .I know how you feel about this as my expwBPD blocked me as well. But I beg to differ with you: blocking is a sign that she STILL loves you and has blocked you because she is unable to handle the emotions associated with with remaining in contact with you. A person that that has no regard or importance to you would be indifferent, not go to lengths to avoid the pain of contact It is likely that despite all that had transpired, you meant the world to her... .and still do.

So does that mean we will both likely be contacted shortly? My expwBPD usually reaches out around the 2-3 months timeline but that may change if she is dirt-poor and cannot make ends meet...

I had/have the same anticipations. The answer to the question is probably not as clear as you/we would wish unfortunately; they are all different. I have been reading these boards for a long time, almost a year now. Some come back, some make contact and its not pretty. Some come back on their hands and knees and then discard quickly thereafter. I have heard of no accounts (not that they would necessarily reported here) where they come back and everything works out - but thats just my experience.

The overwhelming majority of them do seem to make contact at some point even if it is months or even years later from what I have gleaned from this forum and otherwise. Today is the anniversary of the day that I proposed to mine 2 years ago... .one would think that this would be some sort of trigger to her. To most women, such a day is one that they remember fondly for the rest of their lives. While she may, in fact, remember the occasion, it was not enough for her to reach out. If not this then what? Rock bottom? Its been around 14 months and I don't think that she will ever contact me at all. They are all different... .

[SummerStorm]

Summer,

Have reached a similar point where I've been in the boxing ring for many rounds and have become indifferent to the end result.  I know her better than anyone else and could be a positive, stabilizing influence in her life---but that is up to her.  I've lowered the expectations bar and am practicing radical acceptance.  If she reaches out, great.  If she doesn't, that's ok too.  We can only impact what we can control and BPD ain't on the list.

I have learned that distance and time bring objectivity and clarity.  I wish you the best in approaching the upcoming holiday season with optimism and peace, my friend.

LF

Thank you for your kind words.  I definitely feel the same way about knowing my former friend better than anyone else.  It's gotten to the point where I can predict what she will do in most situations.  It breaks my heart that she's basically created a completely new life for herself in the past few months, when she had people in her life who knew about her disorder and still cared about her. 

[SummerStorm]

What really, really hurts is the realization that I have no importance in her life anymore.       

SS... .I know how you feel about this as my expwBPD blocked me as well. But I beg to differ with you: blocking is a sign that she STILL loves you and has blocked you because she is unable to handle the emotions associated with with remaining in contact with you. A person that that has no regard or importance to you would be indifferent, not go to lengths to avoid the pain of contact It is likely that despite all that had transpired, you meant the world to her... .and still do.

I guess what hurts the most is that, if anything happens to her, and I obviously really hope it doesn't and that those suicidal thoughts she acted on in June have calmed down a bit, no one will contact me like her now ex-boyfriend contacted me in June.  He knew that I was an important person in her life and immediately grabbed her phone and began texting me right after she was taken away in the ambulance. 

I suppose the best thing I can do is to focus on the things she said to me during her lucid moments: "Thank you for your friendship," "Love always," etc. and not focus on what she said when she was dysregulating. 

In the days after she mentioned that she showed my texts to her new friends and that they decided I'm "crazy," I sent a couple of texts reminding her of all the things I did for her (held her when she cried, gave her band-aids for her wrists, visited her in the hospital, let her sleep in my bed), so I would imagine that triggered intense feelings of shame. 

[Suzn]

So, the worst thing is that I've been added to her list of "stalkers" and "crazy people."  A mutual friend told me that she recently removed her location and job information from Facebook,

 

Is it time to stop allowing people to share info about your ex with you or to stop discussing her with others? This is not helping you.

It's perfectly normal right after a breakup to try to dissect every aspect of what happened, we focus on our ex's. Once we have detached somewhat emotionally turning our focus to our side of the dysfunctional relationship and focus on what role we played helps us not remain stuck in thoughts that this was all one sided. We have voids to fill as much as they do, which is generally why we functioned in these relationships with poor boundaries. What was the void she filled for you?

Probably the saddest thing is that this is such a clear sign that she has no intention of ever getting better.  Four months ago, she told me she was going to enter a program and that I was a major factor in her decision to become a better person.  I really thought she might finally take this big step.  Now, she's basically taken all of that back.     

There is nothing about being blocked that proves she will not get help, this clear sign you speak of is an assumption. It could very well be that she will find it necessary, at some point, to focus solely on herself and no one else to be successful in recovery. If she has looked into a program in the past there's nothing to say she won't again.

I suppose the best thing I can do is to focus on the things she said to me during her lucid moments: "Thank you for your friendship," "Love always," etc. and not focus on what she said when she was dysregulating.   

Does this mean that you accept both sides of the coin as one and you are looking towards acceptance and forgiveness to begin your journey of recovery? What would your journey to recovery look like?  This part has nothing to do with her, it's all about you.

[jTrue426]

I can't answer your question. Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand the hut of being blocked out of someone's life.

[SummerStorm]

So, the worst thing is that I've been added to her list of "stalkers" and "crazy people."  A mutual friend told me that she recently removed her location and job information from Facebook,

 

Is it time to stop allowing people to share info about your ex with you or to stop discussing her with others? This is not helping you.

It's perfectly normal right after a breakup to try to dissect every aspect of what happened, we focus on our ex's. Once we have detached somewhat emotionally turning our focus to our side of the dysfunctional relationship and focus on what role we played helps us not remain stuck in thoughts that this was all one sided. We have voids to fill as much as they do, which is generally why we functioned in these relationships with poor boundaries. What was the void she filled for you?

Probably the saddest thing is that this is such a clear sign that she has no intention of ever getting better.  Four months ago, she told me she was going to enter a program and that I was a major factor in her decision to become a better person.  I really thought she might finally take this big step.  Now, she's basically taken all of that back.     

There is nothing about being blocked that proves she will not get help, this clear sign you speak of is an assumption. It could very well be that she will find it necessary, at some point, to focus solely on herself and no one else to be successful in recovery. If she has looked into a program in the past there's nothing to say she won't again.

I suppose the best thing I can do is to focus on the things she said to me during her lucid moments: "Thank you for your friendship," "Love always," etc. and not focus on what she said when she was dysregulating.   

Does this mean that you accept both sides of the coin as one and you are looking towards acceptance and forgiveness to begin your journey of recovery? What would your journey to recovery look like?  This part has nothing to do with her, it's all about you.

Our mutual friend just mentioned she thought it was weird that those things were taken down and wondered if it could also mean that she is moving again.  She has ties to people who don't live that far from me, so it would be nice to at least be informed if she ever moves to my area again.  I don't want to just run into her at the grocery store unexpectedly some day.  I don't get regular updates on her.  And I don't feel the need to tell people not to talk about her.  To me, that actually seems unhealthy, at this point in the detachment process. 

Yes, she could get help, but there aren't really any places around here that offer DBT.  She was going to go out and live with her parents, in a major city, where there are lots of places.  Her mom was going to pay for it.  She has contemplated moving out there twice in the past few months and has not.  Once, she was even packed and almost ready to go and didn't.  As of August, she was denying that there is anything wrong with her.  At this point, she doesn't have the resources, money, or insurance available to her to enter a program.

I'm well on my way to recovery.  I just bought a house and adopted two cats.  Yesterday, I ordered an electric guitar, which is something I've wanted for many years.  One of my friends and I just started discussing plans to go to the zoo in the early spring, hopefully to see the new panda cub.  I bought concert tickets to see one of my favorite singers and will soon be buying tickets to see one of my favorite bands.  In the next few weeks, I will be buying season tickets for my favorite soccer team; pre-season games begin in March.  In December, I am going to a Meet Up group dinner with 24 other people.  Life is moving on.   

I never thought that I would be someone she'd block, especially since I never even called her, so that's what's really shocking in all of this.   

[Suzn]

Our mutual friend just mentioned she thought it was weird that those things were taken down and wondered if it could also mean that she is moving again. 

Would it be fair to say your friend knows you want to know every detail?

And I don't feel the need to tell people not to talk about her.  To me, that actually seems unhealthy, at this point in the detachment process. 

When our friends come to us with information it can keep us from moving forward. It can indeed keep us stuck in ruminations about our ex. Continuous participation in co-rumination is unhealthy. Don't get me wrong, we can't control what other people discuss, we can however control our participation in those discussions. Saying things such as "I'd rather not discuss what my ex is doing if you don't mind" (or something similar) is you setting a boundary for yourself in your recovery. Boundaries aren't rules for others to live by, they are for us to live by. 

Yes, she could get help, but there aren't really any places around here that offer DBT.  She was going to go out and live with her parents, in a major city, where there are lots of places.  Her mom was going to pay for it.  She has contemplated moving out there twice in the past few months and has not.  Once, she was even packed and almost ready to go and didn't.  As of August, she was denying that there is anything wrong with her.  At this point, she doesn't have the resources, money, or insurance available to her to enter a program.

As painful as it is, you cannot save her. Her recovery path is hers and hers alone. 

I'm well on my way to recovery.  I just bought a house and adopted two cats.  Yesterday, I ordered an electric guitar, which is something I've wanted for many years.  One of my friends and I just started discussing plans to go to the zoo in the early spring, hopefully to see the new panda cub.  I bought concert tickets to see one of my favorite singers and will soon be buying tickets to see one of my favorite bands.  In the next few weeks, I will be buying season tickets for my favorite soccer team; pre-season games begin in March.  In December, I am going to a Meet Up group dinner with 24 other people.  Life is moving on. 

That's a great start Summer. Would it be fair to say she filled a loneliness void at the time for you? If I recall correctly, you said she was your first?  

I never thought that I would be someone she'd block, especially since I never even called her, so that's what's really shocking in all of this.   

Ya know, in most of my relationships, I saw myself as an important person in their lives. I did lots of things "for them" so they would see me as an important person, someone to be relied upon. With my most recent exBPDgf I saw red flags early on, like how poorly she treated her "room mate", which I found out later was her gf. What I thought at the time, I was special to her and she would never treat me the same. I had no knowledge of BPD at the time and, equally as important, I had no knowledge of the depth my codependence and how it ruled my life. I had no knowledge of my not having the communication skills or boundaries that are necessary for healthy relationships.