Using BPD as an excuse

[wundress]

My wife recently accepted she is unwell and has mental health issues. She seemed to be accepting responsibility for her actions and the hurt she has caused to me and our daughter. Great, I thought, now we are getting somewhere.

However, in the past week or so, she now uses being "ill" as an excuse for everything! When she breaks promises "don't blame me I'm ill". When she shouts "I can't help it I'm ill". When she has a complete lack of empathy and tells me off for my own emotions "I can't help it, I'm ill".

It is so frustrating. I thought she was taking ownership of her feelings but now it's just something to pin her bad behaviour on!

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[C.Stein]

Is she getting treatment? 

I think my ex would do that same exact thing.  She always looked for something to blame her behavior on.  Her most common excuse was you met me at the worst time.  With knowledge of BPD I think this would become her go to excuse.

[Suzn]

However, in the past week or so, she now uses being "ill" as an excuse for everything! When she breaks promises "don't blame me I'm ill". When she shouts "I can't help it I'm ill". When she has a complete lack of empathy and tells me off for my own emotions "I can't help it, I'm ill".

So there's a connection being made here isn't there? If this realization is new it will take some time, she's saying I'm ill out loud.

Allowing our partner to walk all over our boundaries is not helpful to their recovery, it's rather enabling. What do your boundaries look like wundres?

[wundress]

She has had counselling a few years ago. We recently had couples therapy but she is about to start going on her own due to the issues which came up.

Do you think her saying it all the time is her way of getting used to it rather than it being an excuse?

My boundaries are no shouting at me and no using my own emotions against me. Keeping promises, no lying... .etc. yesterday for instance she criticised my parenting even tho she has moved out so I am trying to do my best in her absence. I confess I snappped at her saying she can hardly waltz in snf tell me what to do. I left the room and took time out. She went off to smoke. Then because I didn't come down in an appropriate time she stormed upstairs and was all sarcastic with me. Then she started being rude. So I cut her short and told her if she was going to be rude and immature then she could leave. I said she could put herself in my position, discuss the issue and have some empathy. Her response "well I can't think like that because I'm ill". Then she said about not seeing each other again when at the weekend she said she wanted to make amends and try again. So I pointed that out and hwr response was "well you know my mood changes, I can't help it, it's the illness and you should just not take anything I say as true"

C Stein, she does exactly the same "well I was like this when you met me so deal with it... ." "if you don't like how I am then you know where the door is" etc.

[an0ught]

Hi wundress,

this is sort of normal in a number of cases. When the pwBPD receives some sort of psycho education shortly later the games begin. It may be one reason some professionals prefer not to tell 

See it as a phase. Like a teen experimenting with the changing body and position in society.

Your boundaries will be tested - don't bother putting things in place you are not committed defend as you will have to. So get used to timeouts - they will be your friend in the near future.

Likely she will grow out of it but for a while she will be a handful to handle.