Was it love or addiction ?

[guy4caligirl]

Was it love or addiction ?

After 5 years R/S , Almost a year and a half since B/U . In my opinion and what I learned Being a member on this site here's what  how I see it now. !

1. It is an addiction ... .

2. it wasn't love , love is kind .

3. Stress, confusion 95 % of the time . Sex was at it's best !

Could it be that's all they offer to keeps us addicted to them ?

4. Lack of empathy , abuse , we stayed... .For ever!

I can go on and on ... .

Why did you stay and endured knowing you were in a toxic relationship ?

[Creativum]

It was an unfortunate addiction, yep.

I've said this over and over on this forum, but it's always worth repeating.  People often say that when it was "good" it was great.  Well, the fact of the matter is, we were high.  We confused "high" with "good" ... .A "high" is never good because a "high" always comes with a LOW.  And that low can be so, so painful.  All relationships fluctuate and have good and bad moments, but not black-and-white type of moments that are either AMAZING or DEBILITATING.  You take a hit (sex, perhaps), it gets you high, and your dealer (ex) knows what to do to keep you hooked, which is to take you to the brink of insanity by withholding the substance they know you crave. 

Something "good" is always good, even when it's not great.  You feel secure in its goodness.  You miss it when it's gone, but it doesn't cause a post-traumatic stress response if it ultimately disappears.  Do we mourn it when it's lost?  Yes, in a healthy way.  We don't experience the agony of withdrawal, though.

I stayed because it was an addiction.  I'm now into month three of detox, and I'm feeling pretty darn good.  I'm meeting new people and feeling optimistic for my future.  I never felt optimistic with my BPDex; everything was damage control.  There's also the concept of "trauma bonding" which you might look into.  A lot of folks in abusive relationships, romantic or otherwise, become bonded to the offender via the trauma that person inflicts upon them.

[guy4caligirl]

I take my hat off for your awesome description of addiction to drugs versus  addiction for an EXBPD ! 

So true .

[once removed]

hey guy4caligirl  

there were elements of both, it wasnt either/or.

the relationship, in retrospect, cannot meet my definition or standards of "love"; at least not romantic love. it was based on need and it was a loaded bond. that doesnt mean that there wasnt any love, that we didnt care about each other, or that either of us didnt mean the loving things we said, at the moment we said them. my ex was not heroin or a substitute for it. when i missed her, i wasnt missing a fix (not saying that couldnt apply to someone else). i was missing my partner, the person i thought was my future, my best friend, soulmate, etc. i was grieving.

but as i said, it was a loaded bond. most romantic relationships result in our brains producing that "love hormone". thats normal, and it feels good. when/if it concludes, we do experience symptoms of withdrawal, and it sucks. a "BPD relationship", usually being a volatile one, has more extreme highs and lows than a "typical" relationship. the chemicals as a result, can be more extreme. as time goes on, we can get into habits (as can our partners), and they can become addictive. what keeps us invested beyond that point is more akin to addiction.

not to mention, the manner in which the relationship ends is often traumatic and wounds us uniquely and deeply. couple that with our psyches attempting to process the entire whirlwind of the relationship and how we got here. drugs cant reject you, cheat on you, paint you black, etc.

i think we have to remember the level of need going on and what these relationships did for us. we can be driven to be "addicted" in any relationship, on that level. the need to be loved or love to be needed. the need to rescue. the need to be rescued. the drama. the sex. our own abandonment fears. whatever it was. these are addictive dynamics. whether love was present or not, i think is something only each member can decide.

why did i stay? i believed it could get better against all evidence. i believed that we were meant to be even though there were fundamental problems that would have kept me from marrying her (and i guess just remaining in a stuck relationship). i have abandonment fears. i worried about her abandonment fears. while i believed i deserved better, i wasnt willing to live it. i suck at breakups and have a lot of difficulty rejecting another person (or being rejected). there was at least some fear of being alone as i didnt have much apart from her at the time. i knew it would be agony. and though i couldnt imagine the extent to which she could and would hurt me, i think i subconsciously believed it would ultimately hurt both of us less if she did the breaking up. i think i was probably right.

ive always felt she loved me as much as she was capable of. what i realize as i type this, is that i also loved her as much as i was capable of. it is as a result that i am capable of more.

[reachingoutuk]

Definitely addicted for me.

I was like a bad junkie, she was my class A which I (& everybody else) knew was f***ing my life up & no good for me but I just couldn't make that break, every time her push pull behavior came in to play I was craving for my next fix & begged her back as the withdrawal was too painful.

In the end she replaced me so it's like a forced withdrawal but as we have a daughter it's been horrible having to see her each week whilst she is with my replacement, the one she left me for. Kind of like if you were trying to give up a bad drug but being forced to watch others shooting up whilst in your company & it being in your face every week of your life.