Can anything good come from a letter?

[Bigmd]

Ok guys as hard as this is to admit I'm kinda missing my exgf. Which sucks because I was doing well and was in the anger phase. I know it was definately two things that have triggered me. One is the girl ive been seeing keeps telling me we arent dating yet and just having fun. The second was thanksgiving ,We were together last year for it. While I was at my brothers I couldn't help but think a year ago we were sitting on the couch holding hands and happy. It affected me so much after dinner I went into the tv room and watched football quietly until I went home at 7. I shouldn't feel this way. 4 months out and I know I made a turn for the better. When I think of all he silent treatment , criticism for everything from the jeans I wore to the truck I bought. Who would miss that crap? The anger for no reason at all.

       Now I sit here contemplating a letter. Not so much to get her back but to tell her how much she hurt me. And maybe touch on how she was part of the problem. I know it's a horrible idea but I'm having trouble shaking the thought. I probably won't do it but it scares me that I'm even thinking of breaking NC. Someone talk to me.

[Itstopsnow]

Write it for yourself but don't send it. You can't control her response, and if she's nasty or doesn't respond at all, it could set you back further, and if she accepts her part, then what? It's best to walk away. If she was a stable person with true integrity and authentic then I'd say send it. But they don't function like you and I, but some books on BPD. Or read online as much as you can, it's the only safe way to get closure. Telling her about her parts in the relationship collapse won't work. It didn't work while you were together and fighting , why would it work now? This is a no win situation. They will always project their issues to you . Stay strong!

[Joem678]

Thanksgiving made it hard for me too.  If they respond in a nasty way, why put yourself through that.  Even if they do t respond it will hurt.  So, I must agree write for yourself.  Think about all the things she has told you that hurt.  It will only continue and you don't need that.  I went weeks without speaking to her and when I did "babe, I want a divorce". That kind of ___ messes with you.  So I don't need it and neither do you.  I'm here for you if you need a distraction.

[Bigmd]

Hey guys  thanks. By now I consider my self a pro on BPD. I've read three books and been here for 4 months. And while she hasnt been  diagnosed , BPD or not she didn't treat me well. I should no better. I don't want to go through that pain again.

[toddinrochester]

Don't do it man. It's always regret after!

[hope2727]

Post your letter here and I will translate it to BPD for you. Don't send it no good will come I assure you. I did and it was a waste of time.

[Hopeful83]

Post your letter here and I will translate it to BPD for you. Don't send it no good will come I assure you. I did and it was a waste of time.

I agree - write it if you need to and never send it.

I made the mistake of sending a heartfelt email about three weeks after we broke up. And what did I get in response ten days later? A load of lies, projection and nonsense (all packaged in a nice enough way, though - bless).

Just further proved to me that he's off on cloud cuckoo, but it was incredibly hurtful at the time.

[MakingMyWay]

As many have said, write it for yourself but don't send it. I wrote a letter to my ex and got no response. It hurt a lot more to be heartfelt and receive no response then to not send it to her at all.

[C.Stein]

I wrote a letter to my ex and got no response. It hurt a lot more to be heartfelt and receive no response then to not send it to her at all.

I have written and sent several emails since the final discard.  None of them I regret sending, mostly because I just spoke the truth ... .more for her benefit than mine.  I never got a single response to any of the emails I sent.  It didn't hurt or bother me that I didn't either.  I didn't want her to respond to them as the response almost certainly would have hurt me badly. 

That said, I hope she read them and even if she doesn't believe a thing I wrote, it WILL sit in her mind and during those rare moments when she is actually honest with herself she will realize what I wrote is true.  I am hoping this will help her recognize the mistakes she made and how her behavior damages/destroys the people who are closest to her.  I also hope it will help her to stop making the same mistakes over and over again so she might find some measure of happiness and peace in her life.  I'm not holding my breath though.

[joel6242]

I am thankful for your post, I am there with you. Last week I thought that I may have to file bankruptcy and move in with family or friends. I decided to not spend thanksgiving alone and flew to Oklahoma to see my sister and on the way was offered a perfect job that pays enough to get out of this mess and will allow me to be away half the month. I work from home but some of my work requires me to be on site. Even though he has put me through a hell that I can not even explain, I still want him back. I am doing everything to not react.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Bigmd, as you can see a lot of people have contemplated the same thing as you. Often the advice is to write the letter and post it here instead of sending it to the ex.

What is your desire in writing a letter? To vent? You can do that here, right? If it's to make her understand how you feel, there's always the chance she won't understand and won't react in the way you're hoping for. Will you still be happy in that case? Everybody is different, so you can work out the pros and cons for your own case.

One other thing, we often feel bad and then feel bad that we feel bad thinking we should feel better. Just remember it's OK to feel bad, it's part of being human. We just need to find healthy ways to get through those feelings. Good luck to you!

[Bigmd]

Hey guys thanks . I didn't write a letter. As a matter of fact I kind just gave up on the idea . I do find myself, for whatever reason , missing her these last few days. It pisses  me off too because I wasn't at all for the last few weeks. I guess the point of the letter was to vent and make her realize how she hurt me and how her actions really damaged me. But I know it probably won't make a difference. After all I broke nc after two months and texted her. She acted like I meant nothing to her. She wAs very cold and wasn't open to talking about the relationship. So idk why anything would be different now. I need to get back to being angry. But sometimes it's still unbelievable to me that this happened.

[C.Stein]

But sometimes it's still unbelievable to me that this happened.

You and me both.