I just want one day without this burden.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

2 weeks NC. Every day I wake up and it's the same thing. There is maybe a minute where I forget what's happening, and then that part of my brain comes online and I need to shoulder this pain to varying degrees through the whole day.

I feel this need to find something that will 'fix' the problem. To get me to the next stage, like a shortcut. Then it doesn't seem to work, and I feel helpless, lost.

I can tell things are slightly better than before, but I am still feeling my way through the minefield, learning new things that are going to stir up the pain again.

First it was tracking and stalking. That was tremendously stressful to me. It was an obsession and I was completely pulled into it. I am eternally grateful that my best friend was able to convince me to delete her location from my phone. I started crying immediately afterwards, but it was probably the biggest step so far in allowing me to start letting go.

Then two days later she announced that she was in a relationship on facebook. This was after 1 week NC and I learned they went on their first date the day before I asked for NC.

All of that was rough to say the least. I have been fighting tooth an nail to not look at her or her sister's profile, since I know if I see anything there it will knock me down again.

And now today I discovered that the few days I know she doesn't have her daughter, my mind starts imagining all the great times she must be having with this new guy, probably even the same things we did. I know it's not meaningful in the long run, these things they might be doing or the 'bond' they might be creating, but it's the latest thing that I've discovered that affects me. It causes my day to be more of an emotional chore than those days she does have her daughter and I know they won't be seeing each other.

Looking back, in two weeks, I've worked through a number of things, and in some respects, I've made some real progress. It's just so draining. I just wish I could take a one day vacation from this, as if I was someone else. Have a normal, satisfying day.

I'm determined to post back to the thread when that day happens. I know it will happen. I look forward to hearing from you, future homefree.

[homefree]

2 weeks NC. Every day I wake up and it's the same thing. There is maybe a minute where I forget what's happening, and then that part of my brain comes online and I need to shoulder this pain to varying degrees through the whole day.

I feel this need to find something that will 'fix' the problem. To get me to the next stage, like a shortcut. Then it doesn't seem to work, and I feel helpless, lost.

I can tell things are slightly better than before, but I am still feeling my way through the minefield, learning new things that are going to stir up the pain again.

First it was tracking and stalking. That was tremendously stressful to me. It was an obsession and I was completely pulled into it. I am eternally grateful that my best friend was able to convince me to delete her location from my phone. I started crying immediately afterwards, but it was probably the biggest step so far in allowing me to start letting go.

Then two days later she announced that she was in a relationship on facebook. This was after 1 week NC and I learned they went on their first date the day before I asked for NC.

All of that was rough to say the least. I have been fighting tooth an nail to not look at her or her sister's profile, since I know if I see anything there it will knock me down again.

And now today I discovered that the few days I know she doesn't have her daughter, my mind starts imagining all the great times she must be having with this new guy, probably even the same things we did. I know it's not meaningful in the long run, these things they might be doing or the 'bond' they might be creating, but it's the latest thing that I've discovered that affects me. It causes my day to be more of an emotional chore than those days she does have her daughter and I know they won't be seeing each other.

Looking back, in two weeks, I've worked through a number of things, and in some respects, I've made some real progress. It's just so draining. I just wish I could take a one day vacation from this, as if I was someone else. Have a normal, satisfying day.

I'm determined to post back to the thread when that day happens. I know it will happen. I look forward to hearing from you, future homefree.

[Looking4insight]

Hey homefree,

I know that feeling too well. It is such a horrible feeling. for a split second when u wake up u feel fine but once the thought hits you it feels so dreadful.

You are not alone. Be strong we cannot let our ex's / family / love ones control our life while they enjoy theirs.

I'm two weeks no as well, my ex wrote me for thx giving... .The contact from her only reopened the wound.

[toddinrochester]

There are many things you can do to protect yourself. First absolutely delete her info from your phone. If you have a mac you need to delete the contact info from there also and take it out of your "Recent" contacts. Second either get rid of fb or do not look at her profile. Block her. Third depending on your email client you can set up rules to reject a sender and even reply with a note that you are not interested in contact and that the email has been smoked. DO NOT LOOK AT HER FB! I can't stress that enough it is the death of many NC's. It is so hard for you to grasp this but we have all been there in the same place you are. IT SUCKS! But it gets easier and easier as time goes on.

DO NOT LOOK AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS AND BLOCK EVERYONE IN HER FAMILY.

This will save you so much pain.

[Rameses]

Wow Homefree, your post could have been written by me, and  suspect many others on this forum. It truly is one of the worst things I've ever had to endure. I dread having to open my eyes nix the morning as I anticipate that feeling of loneliness, sadness, longing, and despair.

The days seem to go on forever.

It seems like everything is a trigger to remember them. And of course, a majority of the those thoughts tend to focus on the good times and the honeymoon stage, which is not reality at all. Reality is what you feel I your gut, what you have felt in a long time, but chose to justify it because of the crazy good chemistry that is part of the unhealthy bond.

Detaching from a borderline is truly the same as trying to break free of a drug addiction. There are some physiological changes that are taking place in you body right now, very similar to that of a drug addict.

I hate to say this but your only way "out of the pain" is "through it". A lot of us in these relationships are Codependents . We have been running from feelings of pain, abandonment and fear all of our lives. We are fixers, and we want to fix our pain. We fall back on some of the tools that we relied on the past. Alcohol, drugs, another relationship(watch out for this one), bars, on line dating, exercise, staying busy, etc.

The sad fact is none of these will fix the giant hole in your heart that has been there all your life.

Now, is the time to hunker down and do some SERIOUS work on "you"!

Some will differ on this point, but I my experience is that it is almost impossible to detach from a person you still have contact with, so I a big proponent of NC, I am in my 7th week.

No lie, it has been tough. But I am finally feeling the fruits of my labor. So, to me TOTAL NC is essential.

Next, I would start reading about Codepedency and see if it applies to you, I have a sneaking suspicion it will. Going to meetings will connect you with others who are experiencing the same sensations as you, they can become your support group, and it's all free.

If you still struggle I would seriously consider finding a therapist who is trained in EMDR. This could be costly, but in my opinion detaching from this relationship and moving on to sanity is worth every penny you can afford.

So I feel ya Homefree, it totally stinks and is unfair, but use this time to heal your present and past wounds.

Look at it as "a gift from the borderline", this pain you are feeling is not just about her but she has awakened something in you that has been crying to be healed for a long time. Keep posting and praying.

[homefree]

Thanks, Rameses.

I do see it as a gift. The relationship itself has benefited me as a person for other reasons, so I am grateful for that, but it also has shone a light on these codependency issues you mention. I am seeing a therapist and I am going to take this time to work on the problems that caused me to enmesh so much with this person. It's clear to me that if I don't work on the issues I have, my next relationship will have the same problems. I'm 42 now. I wish I had discovered these issues earlier, but I'm also grateful that this relationship happened now because I was in no state before that to really have a relationship with anyone, and if it wasn't this one particular person, I don't think it ever would have happened.

[joel6242]

HomeFree, I am walking with you every step. It also looks like other people are walking with you. This is not about you but about their disfunction and chaos. I am working real hard at concentrating on me and not what my exBPD is doing. Many people on this board has gone through or is going through this, this is what they do. I see that I need to do something else and maybe not date anyone for a very long time. When I do date or get into a relationship; I deserve better.

[JSF13]

Everyday is a burden for me. I totally know how you feel. It was starting to get better then my pwBPDex emailed me over nothing after a month of NC. Put me into a bad place today. Everyday i wake up and she's not there and thats really hard for me but I know it's best this way. You are not alone HOMEFREE. Most of us are feeling the same way you do fighting the same exact battle you are. You aren't alone.

[troisette]

Sympathies to you Homefree. As others have posted - you are not alone, what you are experiencing is normal even though it is disorientating and debilitating.

I also felt just as you so eloquently describe. A wasted summer, hardly functioning, waking with dread, almost unbearable grief. It felt like a living death.

I received some good advice from a male friend: "Never diss him and always have a smile on your face when you go out". This was so hard but looking back, I'm glad I followed his advice because I now can hold my head high without regret that people in our town knew I was falling apart, and perhaps would have judged me if I dissed him. He's a charming high functioner and I would have been seen as the "baddie". So I retained my self respect. I did confide in a couple of very close friends and found this site where I could explore the truth in privacy. My truth and what I see as his truth.

It was hell to do it though, took all of my few remaining resources. But I'm proud I did.

I'm about 9 or ten weeks of NC now and gradually the pain is easing. I'm not over him but I am gaining clarity about why he was like he was and feeling angry and compassionate at the same time. I am still wary and go out of my way to avoid him although I am socialising again.

I feel NC, absolutely NC, is the only way to handle the excruciating pain that follows a break up with a BPD. IThe pain you describe so well. (I even blocked him on FB as I found it too difficult to see his posts come up on my timeline.) Although the NC is itself agony. But it does get better. Slowly. Be strong, be kind to yourself, try to eat properly. Try not to judge yourself and your responses to the break-up.

And then explore why you got involved with such a person... . If we can move on to healthier relationships then they have unwittingly given us a gift... .