Finally heard from him indirectly.

[misuniadziubek]

After three days of the silent treatment, he re-added me to social media but hasn't actually spoken to me.

According to his recent post, it turns out last night he was in the bad part of town by himself, probably out drinking lost his car keys, got robbed, and lost his cellphone? Hitch-hiked home, got his spare key and brought his car back.

Crazy night for him, but honestly, I'm angry. He's putting himself into horribly stupid situations and acting like an immature child. Had he not pulled this silent treatment cr*p on me, we could have spent the night out enjoying ourselves and none of this BS would have happened.

So yeah, I'm frustrated. I'm not messaging him. I don't even know what to say to him. He's put me through hell and I've gotten sick because the stress affects me horribly. 

I'm angry because I care about his stupid a**, but he's not willing to take care of himself. He dysregulates, pushes me out and acts as if I was to blame for any of it. He's had a terrible week. I understand that, but he pushed out the one person that was willing to help. I can't fix his mistakes for him. I don't know if I want to even put up with this sort of behavior.

Just so much anger.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

You don't have to put up with anything. Saving him or fixing him... .it is a co-dependence. Bad for you, and at the heart of it, not really helping him.

He made poor choices for himself and he had some immediate consequences for it. Maybe he learned to be more careful now.

Regarding how you feel... the anger and frustration... . it can be very hard to see people we care for hurt themselves.

[Notwendy]

Miz, your SO made his own ( poor ) decisions and faced the consequences. Yes, it does hurt to see someone we care about do something hurtful, but he is responsible for his decisions, and if you "rescue" him from the consequences - and the bad feelings as a result- then you are robbing him of that lesson.

Of course, we all use judgement with people we care about. If someone is doing something life threatening - heaven forbid- we would want to intervene. We take care of children and people who can not take care of themselves. However, in general, to try to rescue, protect, soothe, someone who is an adult and responsible for his own decisions is co-dependency.

You are angry? Honor yourself, and your feelings. They are telling you something. Your boyfriend may want to continue the relationship, or not, or he may go back and forth with this. You also have a choice.

[sweetheart]

Notwendy is right, your anger and anxiety are telling you something, they are providing you with information about your needs, how can you use this information to better protect yourself?

Your bf can and is making his own choices, based on his needs not yours, how can you make choices that are informed by your needs not his ?

Daniell85 mentioned codependency, I have followed your posts misuniadziubek, and much of what you post is within your control to change, but deferring to your bf needs, behaviours and conditions every time keeps you very stuck, here is a link about codependency https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[Herodias]

Gosh, that sounds like my ex! He was always getting into trouble like that on and off through out the r/s! Big problems... .I think they don't have any fear of death! Its like they are punishing themselves! I went through that for 9 years of knowing him- 7 years of marriage. It doesn't change. I am sure if he is not doing it now, it's because his lawyer put the fear of jail in him as he has a pending felony! As soon as that gets dropped he will be back at it! It's the pattern. So sorry... .I know exactly what it's like... .there is nothing you can do to help or change him. Believe me- I have tried! Over and over! He is now 34 and when I met him he was 25... .he never stopped doing these things.

[misuniadziubek]

You don't have to put up with anything. Saving him or fixing him... .it is a co-dependence. Bad for you, and at the heart of it, not really helping him.

He made poor choices for himself and he had some immediate consequences for it. Maybe he learned to be more careful now.

Regarding how you feel... the anger and frustration... . it can be very hard to see people we care for hurt themselves.

The anger and frustration are a result of the fact that I really love him, despite everything. They are positive in the way that they remind me to not enable that sort of behavior by trying to fix things.

Miz, your SO made his own ( poor ) decisions and faced the consequences. Yes, it does hurt to see someone we care about do something hurtful, but he is responsible for his decisions, and if you "rescue" him from the consequences - and the bad feelings as a result- then you are robbing him of that lesson.

You are angry? Honor yourself, and your feelings. They are telling you something. Your boyfriend may want to continue the relationship, or not, or he may go back and forth with this. You also have a choice.

You know, it's funny.

1) This made me realise the more subtler forms of codependency that I still possess and it's crucial I work on.

2) Spending three days miserable, trying desperately to concurrently grieve his silent treatment while calming my anxieties and worries about what sort of self-destructive behavior he was getting himself into pretty much exhausted me. I went through every emotion and possibility there is. And in the end, I felt relief when he opened the lines of communication, but then there was just numbness and anger.

I had absolutely no urge to message him, even to ask if he was okay. He can message me if he chooses and then I will openly talk, but I'm not forcing anything. I keep my distance until he reaches out. And even then, I move on. I just don't feel like getting caught up in this anymore.

And I know him. He'll act like nothing happened. He will complain a bit about his predicament but ignore the fact that he didn't show any signs of life for three days and told me we were over. If I say anything he will blame his situation or turn on me.

I haven't had to deal with this sort of behavior in over 5 months. He had a pretty severe dysregulation after his roommate thing, but he was still openly talking to me the entire time.

This was a very painful three days for me. It was a reminder that I still have a ways to go, regardless if our relationship continues or not. This is the sort of thing that pushes me away and makes me kind of cold-hearted towards him. I'm going to focus more on myself regardless of the result.

Gosh, that sounds like my ex! He was always getting into trouble like that on and off through out the r/s! Big problems... .I think they don't have any fear of death! Its like they are punishing themselves! I went through that for 9 years of knowing him- 7 years of marriage. It doesn't change. I am sure if he is not doing it now, it's because his lawyer put the fear of jail in him as he has a pending felony! As soon as that gets dropped he will be back at it! It's the pattern. So sorry... .I know exactly what it's like... .there is nothing you can do to help or change him. Believe me- I have tried! Over and over! He is now 34 and when I met him he was 25... .he never stopped doing these things.

He absolutely doesn't have a fear of death. He's had near-death experiences many times, but he's not the sort that gets in trouble with the law. He hasn't done anything so dangerous/risky in months, but if he does it's likely that he's in a phase of intense dysregulation. Last time it was over getting diagnosed as borderline along with confronting some of the ways he acted towards people.

In a way, I feel like maybe he is punishing himself. He stops caring as much about what happens to him when he goes numb.

He's also talking about moving out because his roommate is stress the f*ck out of him lately with her passive aggression.

[formflier]

  Misuniadziubek, I think it is good that you are "feeling" these feelings and looking at yourself in this.  I hope your feelings empower to you be assertive when he reaches out to you.  When he reaches out, I would be easy on getting back into communications with him.  Do it sparingly.  I know you want to talk to him but if there is going to be long term success here, for a while you need to be on the "right" side of push pull behavior, where he is "not getting enough" of you and is reaching out for more contact with you.  Hang in there.  This must be incredibly frustrating.                

FF

[misuniadziubek]

Misuniadziubek,

I think it is good that you are "feeling" these feelings and looking at yourself in this.  I hope your feelings empower to you be assertive when he reaches out to you.

When he reaches out, I would be easy on getting back into communications with him.  Do it sparingly.

I know you want to talk to him but if there is going to be long term success here, for a while you need to be on the "right" side of push pull behavior, where he is "not getting enough" of you and is reaching out for more contact with you.

Hang in there.  This must be incredibly frustrating.

FF

Thank you formflier. I appreciate the words of support.

I think that going easy on getting back to him and being on the other side of push pull is probably best and that's honestly what my gut is telling me.

I feel like the hair on my skin is 'singed' by the events of the last week/month. I feel weary even talking to him. We've had very few short conversations since he re added me. I'm reluctant, plain and simple.

And it's not without reason. He mentioned last night that he had gotten a new phone number because he switched providers. I was going to text him regarding something related to someone and realised I didn't have his number, so I non chalantly asked 'oh can I have your number? I forgot I don't have it. '

'You have Facebook. You can message me on there. Don't give me that. You were trying to manipulate me into giving you my number with an excuse. How do you conveniently forget I got a new number.'

Firstly. Okay. Definitely feel like limiting the contact is better for me. I don't have unlimited data like he does so I can't text him on Facebook whenever. So he's going to feel the pain of that. Seems appropriate.

Sometimes boundaries have to become stronger and less flexible for a time. This seems that situation.

[formflier]

  'oh can I have your number? I forgot I don't have it. '  'You have Facebook. You can message me on there. Don't give me that. You were trying to manipulate me into giving you my number with an excuse. How do you conveniently forget I got a new number.'      

               OK, want to be clear, the first line was you and the entirety of the second line was his response.  Do I have this correct?  I've got some thoughts on the role that you can play, things you can do to make things like this go easier/better in the future.                

FF

[misuniadziubek]

OK, want to be clear, the first line was you and the entirety of the second line was his response.  Do I have this correct?

I've got some thoughts on the role that you can play, things you can do to make things like this go easier/better in the future.

FF

Yeah. He seems to believe I would go as far as to manipulate his number out of him.

It's just so on the border of ridiculous, I don't even know what to say.

I can't say much about our future, but right now I don't even really want to see him. I love and care about him and I genuinely enjoy his company, but I need a break from the relationship part of this and just purely focus on my own life for a bit.

I would love to reconsider that in the future. That isn't an issue. But it's kind of like I need a serious recovery period.

[formflier]

  OK stick with me on this, I think I can explain why he said what he said.  Remember, pwBPD will take small slights, small issues and make them HUGE.  And, for whatever reason, we all have our triggers.  I think you found a trigger in him, about people "manipulating him" or otherwise "being indirect".  Please stick with me here, I'm not saying you did anything wrong.  In the future, remember to be direct with him.  No justifications or excuses.  "Please give me your new number" or "I would like to have your new phone number"    Also, another thing to remember is "less is more"  The bonus that you put on there of you "forgetting" that you didn't have his number could have been interpreted by him (and I believe was interpreted by him) in a number of really bad ways.  In fact, he could easily twist that into you "forgetting" about him and "abandoning" him.                     

FF

[misuniadziubek]

OK stick with me on this, I think I can explain why he said what he said.

Remember, pwBPD will take small slights, small issues and make them HUGE.

And, for whatever reason, we all have our triggers.

I think you found a trigger in him, about people "manipulating him" or otherwise "being indirect".

Please stick with me here, I'm not saying you did anything wrong.

In the future, remember to be direct with him.  No justifications or excuses.

"Please give me your new number" or "I would like to have your new phone number" 

Also, another thing to remember is "less is more"

The bonus that you put on there of you "forgetting" that you didn't have his number could have been interpreted by him (and I believe was interpreted by him) in a number of really bad ways.

In fact, he could easily twist that into you "forgetting" about him and "abandoning" him. 

 

FF

I absolutely agree with you on everything but the abandonment part.  The forgetting is in his eyes a lie. 'How do you forget that '

I try the less is more approach very often, but old habits die hard. In trying to be gentle and approachable I include too many details. He's the absolute opposite. I have to pull out details, otherwise he tells me nothing.