Anyone else find themselves wishing it weren't BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guys,

I'm having a bit of a bad day I think. I've been reading different resources on both this site and elsewhere, and it freaks me out when I read descriptions that sound like my ex to the t. The push/pull, the FOO issues, the rage, the charming almost fairytale start to the relationship. If only I had found this site before we had broken up.

On the one hand I'm glad to have learnt of this illness, as it's made me question myself and why I stayed in such a damaging relationship for so long. But I then find myself wishing that perhaps it wasn't BPD, because if it's BPD a) he'll probably never realise his mistakes and how much he hurt me and b) it makes it feel like the whole relationship was a lie.

I just wondered if anyone else felt this way? And how you counteract these self-defeating thoughts?

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hi guys,

I'm having a bit of a bad day I think. I've been reading different resources on both this site and elsewhere, and it freaks me out when I read descriptions that sound like my ex to the t. The push/pull, the FOO issues, the rage, the charming almost fairytale start to the relationship. If only I had found this site before we had broken up.

On the one hand I'm glad to have learnt of this illness, as it's made me question myself and why I stayed in such a damaging relationship for so long. But I then find myself wishing that perhaps it wasn't BPD, because if it's BPD a) he'll probably never realise his mistakes and how much he hurt me and b) it makes it feel like the whole relationship was a lie.

I just wondered if anyone else felt this way? And how you counteract these self-defeating thoughts?

Hopeful

[Herodias]

Of course... .I am still confused if mine is BPD or NPD or a sociopath... .I don't understand how they can be intwined, since BPD have intense feelings and the other two do not. I thought he had feelings, but now I am not so sure... It's really frustrating, but I keep reading that the end result is the same. We were used and manipulated and they are incapable of real love. It's very sad for them... .we are left heartbroken. Their parents are as well... It's just all around a sad situation unless they really want to do the work to get help.

[Hopeful83]

Of course... .I am still confused if mine is BPD or NPD or a sociopath... .I don't understand how they can be intwined, since BPD have intense feelings and the other two do not. I thought he had feelings, but now I am not so sure... It's really frustrating, but I keep reading that the end result is the same. We were used and manipulated and they are incapable of real love. It's very sad for them... .we are left heartbroken. Their parents are as well... It's just all around a sad situation unless they really want to do the work to get help.

Hello Herodias,

Yeah I'm still confused too, as Complex PTSD also fits him (and then there's his evil, racist family who contributed to our breakup, too - I just don't know the extent of their damage).

But you're right - I guess the bottomline is the same. Regardless of the 'cause' the truth is they used us and hurt us in the worst possible way, which indicates they're not capable of loving people in the way we deserve to be loved.

It's just hard. I spent three years with this man and it certainly wasn't all bad, and now I'm nobody to him. Although I would never want him back, I guess I have to admit there's a big part of me that wishes someday he'll realise his mistakes and give me the apology I deserve. I know I have to find my own closure, and to a great extent I have already, but there's this part of me that aches for some acknowledgement and vindication.

If he's a pwBPD, I guess I can kiss that goodbye.

[guy4caligirl]

I do think that you're going through is the process of detaching healing seeing the light you name it ... .

When the switch turns off by a BPD you can almost expect zero empathy and sorrow closure I might add .

All these questions we try to ask ourselves .How could she do this to me ?

Sadly they can , you just got hit by a BPD train , it take time and in effort to be able to walk again time is the essence here.

I am out 14 months , I take her actions now in a different perspective  , last thx giving I was just devastated !

It does only gets better ,hang in there ,keep doing what your heart tells you to do and make sure to stay in touch with HOPE .

Guy  

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful83,

I didn't ask to be in this camp. I like being in this camp because I don't feel like I'm going through this alone.

[C.Stein]

It's just hard. I spent three years with this man and it certainly wasn't all bad, and now I'm nobody to him. Although I would never want him back, I guess I have to admit there's a big part of me that wishes someday he'll realise his mistakes and give me the apology I deserve. I know I have to find my own closure, and to a great extent I have already, but there's this part of me that aches for some acknowledgement and vindication.

If he's a pwBPD, I guess I can kiss that goodbye.

Sigh.  I am right there with you. I also want the apology I deserve.  I have apologized for the things I did that hurt her (mostly my withdrawal that was a result of her behavior towards me) on numerous occasions since she discarded me, both in email and in person.   An apology has not crossed her lips and probably not even in her mind once and probably never will.  She hasn't even acknowledge we had anything together since she discarded me.  It is like we never had a relationship and I have almost certainly been literally deleted from her life.  This has been unbelievably painful to experience and quite honestly ... .somewhat cruel on her part.   I guess I shouldn't expect more but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the person I felt would never do this to me.  It is quite frustrating and even infuriating at times. 

[Learning_curve74]

My exgf has been diagnosed with BPD, so I don't question it. But even if I had no idea about BPD or had doubts about it, when i look at the course of our relationship, I know she has serious issues that will require serious work on her part in order to live a healthy life instead of the painful one she's been living.

I hope she does get help and becomes a healthier person. Our relationship was real to me, what she felt at the time is her deal not mine. I don't want anything from her, as I already received the biggest gift of all: to look at myself and learn why I was susceptible to this type of unhealthy relationship and thus experience a lot of self discovery and personal growth.

[Herodias]

I have watched some u-tube videos with pwBPD explaining themselves... .one that was in recovery said there were a few people in her past that she tried to contact to make amends, but she was sad to know they were not interested in talking to her. She said she understood. Not sure if she was wanting to apologize or if she was trying to get them back, explaining that she was better... .I would feel like them- you would find it hard to believe. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Mine told me he felt bad about the situation, but I don't think it was bad for me, I think it was bad for him... .he gave up allot to be in a totally different style of life. I think he thinks he deserves it. He said he was on a downward spiral and I did;t need to be any part of it. Almost sounds like an excuse someone well aware of themselves would say... .or even something someone would say that wanted to make you feel better. It's hard to say... .I believe it to be true even if he didn't mean it! He looks awful in the current picture I saw... tired, with bags under his eyes. I wish he would have gotten help- especially after I knew what I was dealing with. Sad

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful83,

I didn't ask to be in this camp. I like being in this camp because I don't feel like I'm going through this alone.

Amen, Mutt.

This board has been a lifesaver in so many ways.

[Hopeful83]

Sigh.  I am right there with you. I also want the apology I deserve.  I have apologized for the things I did that hurt her (mostly my withdrawal that was a result of her behavior towards me) on numerous occasions since she discarded me, both in email and in person.   An apology has not crossed her lips and probably not even in her mind once and probably never will.  She hasn't even acknowledge we had anything together since she discarded me.  It is like we never had a relationship and I have almost certainly been literally deleted from her life.  This has been unbelievably painful to experience and quite honestly ... .somewhat cruel on her part.   I guess I shouldn't expect more but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the person I felt would never do this to me.  It is quite frustrating and even infuriating at times. 

How are you doing C.Stein? Are things getting any easier for you?

Mine apologised, but in the same email that he essentially told me that the whole three years we had together were a lie. Well, he's the one who's the lie, not the relationship. And his apology meant nothing to me in that context. A real apology would mean him going into therapy and realising what damage he's done. The chances of that happening now he's back in the clutches of his racist family and their backwards way of thinking? Zero.

I know what you mean. When I was with him I never imagined he could ever pull something like this off. It literally was "you're the love of my life" one day and then less than two weeks later "I'm not sure how I feel about you."

I'm sighing right there with you. 

[Hopeful83]

I hope she does get help and becomes a healthier person. Our relationship was real to me, what she felt at the time is her deal not mine. I don't want anything from her, as I already received the biggest gift of all: to look at myself and learn why I was susceptible to this type of unhealthy relationship and thus experience a lot of self discovery and personal growth.

Hey learning_curve74,

That's how I'm beginning to see it, too - or at least trying to. It was real to me. And I'm sure it was real to him at intervals until BPD took over and distorted all sense of reality. Or however it works. My brain is tired of trying to make sense of it.

But you're right, it's a gift. I feel like I've gained a whole new level of awareness since this happened - one that's enabling me to evolve further and become a stronger and hopefully healthier person.

I'll also never, ever forget the pain this has caused me, and I'm pretty sure this will stop me from entering any future damaging relationships. I never want to put myself through something like this ever again. When I think back to what I was like at the beginning, and how painful this has been up until today - six months on - I realise no other person is worth me sacrificing myself for.

I'm number one now.

[Hopeful83]

I have watched some u-tube videos with pwBPD explaining themselves... .one that was in recovery said there were a few people in her past that she tried to contact to make amends, but she was sad to know they were not interested in talking to her. She said she understood. Not sure if she was wanting to apologize or if she was trying to get them back, explaining that she was better... .I would feel like them- you would find it hard to believe. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Mine told me he felt bad about the situation, but I don't think it was bad for me, I think it was bad for him... .he gave up allot to be in a totally different style of life. I think he thinks he deserves it. He said he was on a downward spiral and I did;t need to be any part of it. Almost sounds like an excuse someone well aware of themselves would say... .or even something someone would say that wanted to make you feel better. It's hard to say... .I believe it to be true even if he didn't mean it! He looks awful in the current picture I saw... tired, with bags under his eyes. I wish he would have gotten help- especially after I knew what I was dealing with. Sad

My friends have seen photos of my ex and have all said the same thing - he looks terrible and miserable, which considering he's now engaged to who I assume he thinks is the love of his life is rather odd. Or not if you factor BPD into the equation.

A lot of time would have to pass for me to entertain any kind of communication from him. Time and proof that he'd been in therapy. Maybe then he'd be talking some sort of sense.

I went NC very early on into the breakup because I realised he'd turned into some other person over night. It was odd - I was talking to him on Skype and I couldn't recognise him. It was quite creepy - this man who'd I'd slept next to every night for three years had transformed into some stranger, someone who I couldn't reason with. I knew instantly that there was zero point trying to reason with him - the man I knew was gone. So I stopped trying to communicate.

It's been about four months since I last spoke to him and I doubt I'll hear from him any time soon. I have zero interest in him reaching out when things start going south with the fiancée. As I mentioned, I'd hope that any communication that would come from him would come after he'd realised his mistakes and got himself some help.

I know, however, the chances of this ever happening are zero to none. So I'm having to make peace with the whole thing without him.

[C.Stein]

How are you doing C.Stein? Are things getting any easier for you?

A little easier, but not by a whole lot.  I am still struggling a lot with acceptance.  Acceptance that she probably had an affair while we were still together ... .acceptance that she has moved on so easily ... .acceptance that I have been completely deleted from her life ... .acceptance there is nothing I can do about it ... .acceptance she shows/has no remorse, regret or concern for me at all ... .acceptance she is not the woman I fell in love with.  

I want a heart felt sincere apology from her for the things she did that destroyed me and our relationship.  I have apologized for my part numerous times.  I know I will never get it ... .she just is not capable of facing herself and accepting responsibility.  She will do as she has always done ... .shift responsibility for her actions to someone (me) or something else.   In her mind I am the reason why our relationship ended.   I didn't "get over it" (it being the betrayal of trust) in the period of time she felt was appropriate or whatever other reason she has concocted to blame me.  

Sad thing is, she NEVER showed a speck of concern for my feelings or emotions during that time.   She is very good at sweeping her hurtful behavior under the rug and pretending like nothing had ever happened.   The effect of her doing that was very dismissive of me and my feelings.  She avoids uncomfortable topics, things and consequences of her actions/behavior at any and all costs ... .including my emotional well being.   In this way she is one of the most selfish and self-centered people I have ever met.  This is very hard to accept because she is also one of the most generous and giving people I have ever met.  

It is this conflict between the good in her and the bad which is proving most difficult to reconcile and accept.

[Herodias]

"My friends have seen photos of my ex and have all said the same thing - he looks terrible and miserable, which considering he's now engaged to who I assume he thinks is the love of his life is rather odd. Or not if you factor BPD into the equation."

Hopeful83, I feel the same way... .I just saw a current pic of my husband with his gf. He looks awful. He looks like he could be on some kind of drug or drunk or something in the picture. He has bags under his eyes as well.  His gf looked awful as well... .she almost reminded me of myself when he would pull me close for a selfie and I remember feeling like he was acting strange... .I can't explain it, but I swear I have pictures with the same look on my face! I looked exhausted and stunned. She has that look... .made me feel sorry for her. She is getting the treatment too now I am sure... .I know we want to imagine it's better, but we really know better. I think they put on an act for awhile... .but she is already making demands on him by posting articles about "choose me or leave"... .and looking at wedding sites! I really wonder what he is going to do! I think he will marry her, but I have friends that say he will make an excuse and not. I feel prepared for him to do it as soon as we are divorced... .It is really upsetting. I wish they would break up and he would move on to the next one so I don't know who it is. I guess I keep saying his... .but it's heartbreaking.

"A little easier, but not by a whole lot.  I am still struggling a lot with acceptance.  Acceptance that she probably had an affair while we were still together ... .acceptance that she has moved on so easily ... .acceptance that I have been completely deleted from her life ... .acceptance there is nothing I can do about it ... .acceptance she shows/has no remorse, regret or concern for me at all ... .acceptance she is not the woman I fell in love with."

C.Stein... .I feel your pain. I have the same thing going on here... .only mine had an affair with someone else while we were still together that caused the end-then picked back up with this one that he had an affair with awhile back. She deserves this lesson for cheating on her husband with mine. I really loved him and I guess I still do... .I just hate to say it. I feel like if I act like I don't - maybe I will start to feel that way. I feel duped. If he hadn't cheated on me I could have handled the rest. I just wanted my life back the way I imagined it... .Maybe it's about not wanting to start again. I know that I am better off, I really get that. But I thought I really mattered to someone. : (

[hopealways]

Even if she was not BPD, her actions were awful, not a loving and harmonious relationship that anyone decent can deal with.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful83, I feel the same way... .I just saw a current pic of my husband with his gf. He looks awful. He looks like he could be on some kind of drug or drunk or something in the picture. He has bags under his eyes as well.  His gf looked awful as well... .she almost reminded me of myself when he would pull me close for a selfie and I remember feeling like he was acting strange... .I can't explain it, but I swear I have pictures with the same look on my face! I looked exhausted and stunned. She has that look... .made me feel sorry for her. She is getting the treatment too now I am sure... .I know we want to imagine it's better, but we really know better. I think they put on an act for awhile... .but she is already making demands on him by posting articles about "choose me or leave"... .and looking at wedding sites! I really wonder what he is going to do! I think he will marry her, but I have friends that say he will make an excuse and not. I feel prepared for him to do it as soon as we are divorced... .It is really upsetting. I wish they would break up and he would move on to the next one so I don't know who it is. I guess I keep saying his... .but it's heartbreaking.

Hey Herodias,

I wonder why they look so terrible? I guess logic tells me that just because someone hasn't visibly mourned the relationship breakup or isn't allowing themselves to feel the pain, that doesn't mean that their bodies won't show the toll it's taken on them?