Feeling so utterly BETRAYED

[GorgeousJJ]

My first true love from 1972 - the boy I was supposed to marry, who dumped me when I was 18 , the week of my prom- with no excuse given - emailed me two years ago 1-22-14 .

I was stunned ! I thought about it for awhile before I wrote back . Weeks pasted . I am a recent cancer survivor of Stage 3 colon cancer and horrible chemotherapy . I have scoliosis and horrific osteo arthritis Spurs in all joints from

Chemo. Pain 24/7 but try to laugh through it .I was married to my husband of 37 years , who I married at 21 to get away from my

Narcissistic diagnosed mother . I loved my husband, but more like a friend . He never wanted an intimate relationship with me - I always had to beg. He was never home for he was a UPS

manager - but I stuck to raising our two girls and working part time around their lives and activities . I gave everything to our daughters because I had a horrible childhood with my mother . Unfortunately I raised two bratty Princesses . I digress /

Anyway, my Mike from 1972 persisted to win me back . He was a part of my family back in 1972-76 . He emailed me 30 times a day . Flew to Florida to visit me and my sister and mother . Promised me for two years he wanted a new life with me . The one we should have had in 1976. He hired divorce attorneys, but kept putting off telling his wife and children . His children are 35-32-27! Ha.  He finally did last week - so we could be together . It back fired! He turned on me like a rabid dog , told me to go to my sister , get a job, he would not divorce his wife because his 35 year old son asked him not to for he is getting married in May 2016- and his future bride had divorced parents and it affected her psychologically . Huh? So here I am - now divorced ( he pushed me to get one) promised hundreds of times to take care of me,

Handicapped with no job and my house is up for sale . I'm living on one side with my ex - I have no money to leave . My ex has turned my girls against me . My 20 year old comes home from college and will not look at me or talk to me . My ex husband is now Mr Mom. He always played good cop with my kids. He treated them as wives - not me . I was the outsider . The  disciplinarian , the servant, the worker .

So I gave up my house, my kids, my security and my health for my Mike , my soul mate ( as he claimed ) and he dumped me - yet again... .without a phone call- just a text . I feel like such a loser and a fool. But I did love the boy since I met him

At 16 - but I have truly ruined what life I have left.

Just feeling like an old stupid woman who believed in sacrificing it all for true love .

[Looking4insight]

Hi gorg,

It seems like from your story you are choosing to focus on the negative parts of your life. Like most of us it is easier to point out the painful things and question all the what if's but our life is what it is because we followed what we felt was right. You should not be ashamed of beliving your childhood love, none of us should be ashamed of beliving people we thought had the best interest for us in mind. That is a burden they will carry sooner or later. Be proud you had the courage to follow your heart. Be even more proud you are a cancer survivor and you a surviving with your other conditions. Your story is not over. As long as you draw breath you can change this narrative but you can only change what you control. Which is your thoughts and actions.

I saw this quote today that helped me with some of the burden - "we must be willing to give up the life we want for the life that is waiting for us"

The life that is waiting for us is the one we create with our actions the life we want is usually too dependent on the actions of others.

[GorgeousJJ]

Hi Looking4:

I never blogged on any sight before - so it was difficult for me to tell the short version of my heartbreak. I hate negative people - so I guess I dislike myself at present. My normal persona is the " life of the party" joking and laughing . I have seen much suffering and loss in my life . But forget the sob story . I have done stand up comedy at many places . Blessed with a great comedic sense .  Ya know what they say about the clown?

This sudden break up occurred 11-19 -15 when I expected to be joining him for the holidays.

I knew when he left me in 1976 - something was amiss emotionally and mentally wth the young Mike . I never understood when or why he got suddenly mad at me . I used to feel frustrated and confused . When he came back 40 years later , he claimed his mistake of leaving me and said he had changed . After the tumultuous past two years of highs and lows in this renewed relationship I had a revelation that he has BPD - classic case . He's been going to a psychiatrist since 1990 - supposedly " due to his wife's issues" ha! The poor woman - it's not her - it's him .  Mike is career successful and wealthy . He had a horrible self image as a youth . He said he left me back then because I was too gorgeous and came from a wealthy family . He felt he could not keep me happy . I never knew or felt any of that .  I could care less about status or entrapments. When he dumped me last week --- he also quoted "everybody wants and needs my money ". I was shocked by that . I never asked him for anything and that's exactly what I got! I mailed him cards, paintings( I'm an artist)  and hand made baked goods - to pick up his spirits . He was always " sensitive " to a fault . He claimed he was sick of hearing that from people .

I guess I'm here writing because I have no one to vent to . My best friend Sarah was taken from me in 2010 to Heaven , by the hands of her hateful doctor husband . She would have helped me work through this . Just need some encouraging words .

[C.Stein]

You have endured a lot already in your life and made it through some really tough times.  You will get through this too.  It hurts like hell to be betrayed, to lose something you believed in.  It will get better.   My thoughts are with you.   

[GorgeousJJ]

Thank you so much C. Stein for your kind words . Holidays are rough after a heartache and my birthday is 12-1. Also my ex husband has poisoned my youngest 20 year old daughter .  She will not look at me when home . I have tried everything to no avail . We were so close until Mike returned to my heart in 1-14 . She accepted the divorce and liked Mike . But then daddy worked upon her . So she flies out to friends on holidays . I sit alone . I had my cancer recheck this past week at the Cancer institute by me . I never even checked on my CEA results . Could care less . I also have a 93 year old mother who I care for and is starting dementia - not a lot of fun . I miss talking to Mike online . He talked to me for two years all day and pillow talk from 8-10 pm every night . 4 visits . Went on vacation with me sister and husband.

Now he is gone . Just sad . Feel disposable . He had promised we would be celebrating Christmas together . My extended family all believed in him too . He was part of our family back in 1972 . Dropped me like the plague . Just hurts badly.

[C.Stein]

I know what it is like to be discarded like a piece of trash.  It hurts like hell and really makes you question everything about yourself.   Things will work out eventually.  The important thing right now is you taking care of yourself.  Don't let this set you back.  I stopped caring about myself for a period, still don't on some levels, but I know it is not healthy.  We can't let these people who have shown they could care less about our well being destroy us.  So please look after yourself and don't let him bring you down to much.   

[GorgeousJJ]

Thanks again C - I do feel like trash. Living in the same house with my ex of 1 year doesn't help either . He's a passive aggressive and works through my daughter to punish me for the divorce . He was not a good husband - no closeness for decades . I stuck it out for my youngest . Until she was 20. But she has shunned me now . No loyalty on her part . Stays by daddy -where the money is available to her . She has never held a little job and still will not drive herself around - makes her nervous . Her dad enables her . Ex Retired now after the divorce to bug me around house . He is my daughter's new man servant . I push my daughter to mature - her father wants her to remain a child .

Now that Mike has kicked me to the curb - the ex and daughter would love to laugh at my fate . I hide my emotions so they do not know .

I will survive - one day at a time . It's how I survived the death of my best friend and my cancer surgeries, chemotherapy and continuing surgeries .

C ... .May I ask ? How long are you into the grieving process of losing your BPD love?

[C.Stein]

C ... .May I ask ? How long are you into the grieving process of losing your BPD love?

Almost 4 months, the first 5-6 weeks I was emotionally dead.  Then the emotions came flooding back and it destroyed me.  I am slowly crawling out of the pit, thanks in large part to this forum.

Perhaps one day you can sit and have a heart to heart with your daughters.  Now is probably not the best time.  You need to heal emotionally first. 

[GorgeousJJ]

My youngest has not spoken to me or looked at me since 1-9 -15 . I do not know what happened . My ex told her something awful I'm sure .

I'm so sorry for your abandonment by your love . It is so devastating to love someone so damaged - hey - I did it twice in my lifetime ! Once when I was 17 - again at 58 ! Who knew a girl with a 141 IQ could be so dumb twice ? But he was my first love and adored by my parents and sister . Not so much now, though . We all allowed him back into our family for two years more - he trashed us all again .

C., did your love break up suddenly and was it repetative break ups ? Mike often gave me the silent treatment for a few days every few weeks . I always apologized even when I did nothing to warrant it . Because I loved him for so long . Did that happen to you too?

[C.Stein]

My youngest has not spoken to me or looked at me since 1-9 -15 . I do not know what happened . My ex told her something awful I'm sure .

You will eventually get your chance to make it right, just give it time and allow yourself to emotionally heal.

I'm so sorry for your abandonment by your love . It is so devastating to love someone so damaged - hey - I did it twice in my lifetime ! Once when I was 17 - again at 58 ! Who knew a girl with a 141 IQ could be so dumb twice ?

Love turns even the smartest into a blind fool.  I was a love blinded fool, ignoring all my gut instincts and gave her every benefit of the doubt.

I

C., did your love break up suddenly and was it repetative break ups ? Mike often gave me the silent treatment for a few days every few weeks . I always apologized even when I did nothing to warrant it . Because I loved him for so long . Did that happen to you too?

The first was very sudden and completely blind sided me.  It quite literally came out of nowhere.  The second I was expecting would eventually happen, it was just a matter of time and the third and last came shortly after the second.   All three times were initiated by her.   To be honest, I should have walked away after the first time.  That said, we did create some amazing memories after that first discard so while I regret not having the strength to walk away when I should have, I don't regret having the opportunity to create those "once in a life time" memories. 

I also found myself apologizing.  I still feel guilt and remorse to this day.  There are things I could have done differently, particularly in the last 5-6 months, and it might have prevented the end ... .or not.  At this point I really don't know if the end could have been prevented regardless of what I did.  I'm beginning to feel that I would have just delayed it somewhat, or not.  It is all very confusing and I have a lot of conflicting emotions but I am slowly sorting it out and trying to accept that my ex is not the person I believed her to be or fell in love with.