Hoping she reaches out, I'm very sad...

[sadmike1]

First time posting, lurker for the last month. Met this gorgeous (quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever been with), educated, super witty and fun woman back in May, and although she said she was somewhat seeing someone,  but it was on it's last leg, I kept pursuing her. I've been with sone great women (I am in my 50's) but she was like a dream come true, we clicked immediately. I'm a busy exec in a large company,  and we met in a city where we were both on business. After 2 hours and 3 glasses of wine later at the restaurant where we met, I was completely enamored... .and hooked. We would see each other almost every  chance we could, with me flying in the middle of the week to meet this woman because I wanted to be with her badly, but after 5 months of pure bliss she told me she wasn't over her ex and the distancing started. It was terrible. Feeling the impending rejection, and our contact by Oct. 9 had decreased dramatically so  I tried to start detaching myself, going on dates but none of these women compare to her. Granted, they are also attractive, fun, and smart too but she's like the whole package, I honestly haven't felt this connection ever in my 52 years of life! I've been married twice too! We had so much in common.  I'm having a hard time moving on. I'll text or call her, and she'll respond, pleasantly,  but it feels forced and she said she's too busy to see me this month.  She never initiates.

I sound so pathetic, as I am a very successful and have my stuff together,  have a great life, but I want her. I'm bored with these other women I'm forcing myself to go on dates with. 

My question, Is there no techniques to get them back? Nothing?  I don't think I'm painted black because she still responds, heck maybe she got back with her ex, who I suspect she still loved and I feel they still communicated but nevery saw any evidence, but I could tell she was never quite over him, but he hurt her so I really doubt they still talked.  I was planning on proposing to her, but since the distancing that's not happening,  sadly. I've overcome many business deals, worked through high stakes mergers and acquisitions, but this is something I've never encountered and it really has taken a stab at my ego. I'm thinking of flying into her city and surprising her, possibly with the ring I picked out, but honestly couldn't handle the rejection,  or worse, finding her with another. I don't understand,  as I was there for her, supportive, stable, and could give her a great life. 

What do you think happened for her to start devaluing me? I can't sleep, can't concentrate,  and constantly thinking of her. I just wish I knew what I could do so she'd see me in the same light as when we first met, nothings changed with me since then so that's what I just don't understand.

Thank you for listening,  and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[C.Stein]

Welcome Mike

I know it hurts like hell and trying to figure these women out is near impossible.   I also fell hard and hadn't ever met or experienced someone quite like my ex.  It is intoxicating ... .it is a drug.

I have to be honest here Mike.   You are ready to propose after 5 months sounds like you have fallen for the siren song.  I can't speak to what is going on in her mind but I do think that you might want to consider taking a healthy step back before you end up emotionally destroyed and possibly a third divorce.    

While I saw my ex's true colors at times throughout my relationship, I didn't really see the really damaging parts until well over 1 year into the relationship.  Yet, even with everything she has done to me there is still a part of me that wants her back.  It is beyond illogical.  

That said, even if she were to return, which she will not, I will not be taking her back regardless of how much I may want to.  Sometimes the price is just too high and our relationship and losing her has sent me to depths of emotional despair and depression that I didn't think existed or was capable of feeling.  I let her compromise me on many different levels, including professionally.  

The euphoric idealization stage of the relationship WILL NOT LAST and you may be left with something very different than what you fell in love with ... .I know I was.

[Confused?]

First time posting, lurker for the last month. Met this gorgeous (quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever been with), educated, super witty and fun woman back in May, and although she said she was somewhat seeing someone,  but it was on it's last leg, I kept pursuing her. I've been with sone great women (I am in my 50's) but she was like a dream come true, we clicked immediately. I'm a busy exec in a large company,  and we met in a city where we were both on business. After 2 hours and 3 glasses of wine later at the restaurant where we met, I was completely enamored... .and hooked. We would see each other almost every  chance we could, with me flying in the middle of the week to meet this woman because I wanted to be with her badly, but after 5 months of pure bliss she told me she wasn't over her ex and the distancing started. It was terrible. Feeling the impending rejection, and our contact by Oct. 9 had decreased dramatically so  I tried to start detaching myself, going on dates but none of these women compare to her. Granted, they are also attractive, fun, and smart too but she's like the whole package, I honestly haven't felt this connection ever in my 52 years of life! I've been married twice too! We had so much in common.  I'm having a hard time moving on. I'll text or call her, and she'll respond, pleasantly,  but it feels forced and she said she's too busy to see me this month.  She never initiates.

I sound so pathetic, as I am a very successful and have my stuff together,  have a great life, but I want her. I'm bored with these other women I'm forcing myself to go on dates with. 

My question, Is there no techniques to get them back? Nothing?  I don't think I'm painted black because she still responds, heck maybe she got back with her ex, who I suspect she still loved and I feel they still communicated but nevery saw any evidence, but I could tell she was never quite over him, but he hurt her so I really doubt they still talked.  I was planning on proposing to her, but since the distancing that's not happening,  sadly. I've overcome many business deals, worked through high stakes mergers and acquisitions, but this is something I've never encountered and it really has taken a stab at my ego. I'm thinking of flying into her city and surprising her, possibly with the ring I picked out, but honestly couldn't handle the rejection,  or worse, finding her with another. I don't understand,  as I was there for her, supportive, stable, and could give her a great life. 

What do you think happened for her to start devaluing me? I can't sleep, can't concentrate,  and constantly thinking of her. I just wish I knew what I could do so she'd see me in the same light as when we first met, nothings changed with me since then so that's what I just don't understand.

Thank you for listening,  and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

What makes you think she is BPD?

[sadmike1]

Thank you, C.Stein, I've followed your comments and posts and you've got a great grasp of what's going on. It never crossed my mind how quickly we were moving,  either I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags because I was in complete denial, or it was all just an act, meant to secure me through however means she saw fit, but her love felt real, her emotions were real. I hope none of it was fake and an act, that revelation will be too painful for me to deal with right now,  to be honest...  I miss that euphoria,  everyday,  and I'm sure another man us receiving it now, and that just makes me feel ill.

My psychiatrist friend, Mike Leary, sent me this just a bit ago, and I think it's very fitting to what we've all been through.  I'm just stunned to be quite honest,  I've never had anything happen like this ever happen,  the rejection can be immensely painful at times.

Mike said:

"Beause most borderlines are sensual, you can have one of the most exciting, sexual experiences around. You will feel like you made it to heaven.

Later, when the glow is off, you will discover you have spent the night at the Hotel California. You have to pay to get out.

Borderlines have abandonment issues and need someone to convince them they are worthwhile. They will demand this while proving you don't love them. No matter what your evidence is, they will counter it with something they believe is the real truth.

It gets exhausting so at some point in frustration you will say; "fine, You're right, I don't love you!"

She will then say; "I knew it! You're like all the other asss I've known."

So can you have a relationship based on love? If that's what you are used to and want to call it that. Most people realize at some point they are trying to fill the grand canyon with a bulldozer. It won't work.

This is about stuff which happened before you were on the scene. The borderline needs to get their blessing sorted out first, before they insist on using you as a life preserver."

[Herodias]

It's all a game to them... .Don't propose what ever you do! You need to see how things really are. You need to hold out. She will probably be back... just remember she only appears to be everything you ever wanted because she is mirroring you. For women, the men act like prince charming- not sure what the female equivalent is, but you get the picture. The running off to another will be the pattern... .just know that is a fact. Do you really want that? I would try to get over this addiction while you are so new into it. I knew mine for 9 years and went through all of that too. I wish I would have let him go when he pushed me away in the beginning. It is a push pull thing with them... .She knows she is not right for you, that's why she ran. They can't keep the mask on for long without it slipping or falling off completely. I am sorry that you are so sad... .I know how I felt in the beginning- I was so depressed and when he came back I thought we were meant to be! The whole marriage he told me he had a plan for me... .I guess this is it- to leave me devastated and alone while he is off with someone else about to marry her as soon as our divorce is final- it's really sick. Read all you can here and seriously consider moving on. U-tube videos have helped me to... .My favorite is a truck driver named Trenton Hawley... .he tells it like it is and he tells all his horrible stories! It's the way it is for real... .check him out. Good luck and feel better... .keep dating. You sound like you have allot going for you. You should have no trouble. Remember what you had was only a fantasy relationship. It's hard, but if you went through this for years you would be yearning for normal! It is so much better- it really is!

[sadmike1]

It's all a game to them... .Don't propose what ever you do! You need to see how things really are. You need to hold out. She will probably be back... just remember she only appears to be everything you ever wanted because she is mirroring you. For women, the men act like prince charming- not sure what the female equivalent is, but you get the picture. The running off to another will be the pattern... .just know that is a fact. Do you really want that? I would try to get over this addiction while you are so new into it. I knew mine for 9 years and went through all of that too. I wish I would have let him go when he pushed me away in the beginning. It is a push pull thing with them... .She knows she is not right for you, that's why she ran. They can't keep the mask on for long without it slipping or falling off completely. I am sorry that you are so sad... .I know how I felt in the beginning- I was so depressed and when he came back I thought we were meant to be! The whole marriage he told me he had a plan for me... .I guess this is it- to leave me devastated and alone while he is off with someone else about to marry her as soon as our divorce is final- it's really sick. Read all you can here and seriously consider moving on. U-tube videos have helped me to... .My favorite is a truck driver named Trenton Hawley... .he tells it like it is and he tells all his horrible stories! It's the way it is for real... .check him out. Good luck and feel better... .keep dating. You sound like you have allot going for you. You should have no trouble. Remember what you had was only a fantasy relationship. It's hard, but if you went through this for years you would be yearning for normal! It is so much better- it really is!

So much wisdom through the been here done that way, this is great. I am so glad my friend Mike referred me here, but I'm having trouble with some of your terminology. Herodias, what is mirroring? 

[sadmike1]

First time posting, lurker for the last month. Met this gorgeous (quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever been with), educated, super witty and fun woman back in May, and although she said she was somewhat seeing someone,  but it was on it's last leg, I kept pursuing her. I've been with sone great women (I am in my 50's) but she was like a dream come true, we clicked immediately. I'm a busy exec in a large company,  and we met in a city where we were both on business. After 2 hours and 3 glasses of wine later at the restaurant where we met, I was completely enamored... .and hooked. We would see each other almost every  chance we could, with me flying in the middle of the week to meet this woman because I wanted to be with her badly, but after 5 months of pure bliss she told me she wasn't over her ex and the distancing started. It was terrible. Feeling the impending rejection, and our contact by Oct. 9 had decreased dramatically so  I tried to start detaching myself, going on dates but none of these women compare to her. Granted, they are also attractive, fun, and smart too but she's like the whole package, I honestly haven't felt this connection ever in my 52 years of life! I've been married twice too! We had so much in common.  I'm having a hard time moving on. I'll text or call her, and she'll respond, pleasantly,  but it feels forced and she said she's too busy to see me this month.  She never initiates.

I sound so pathetic, as I am a very successful and have my stuff together,  have a great life, but I want her. I'm bored with these other women I'm forcing myself to go on dates with.  

My question, Is there no techniques to get them back? Nothing?  I don't think I'm painted black because she still responds, heck maybe she got back with her ex, who I suspect she still loved and I feel they still communicated but nevery saw any evidence, but I could tell she was never quite over him, but he hurt her so I really doubt they still talked.  I was planning on proposing to her, but since the distancing that's not happening,  sadly. I've overcome many business deals, worked through high stakes mergers and acquisitions, but this is something I've never encountered and it really has taken a stab at my ego. I'm thinking of flying into her city and surprising her, possibly with the ring I picked out, but honestly couldn't handle the rejection,  or worse, finding her with another. I don't understand,  as I was there for her, supportive, stable, and could give her a great life.  

What do you think happened for her to start devaluing me? I can't sleep, can't concentrate,  and constantly thinking of her. I just wish I knew what I could do so she'd see me in the same light as when we first met, nothings changed with me since then so that's what I just don't understand.

Thank you for listening,  and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

What makes you think she is BPD?

She would push me away after a weekend of intimacy. I couldn't get her to communicate like in the beginning for many days, said she was always busy, brought up her ex several times and I'm not a jealous type guy, but things she would say about him would make me think she still cared about him, her eyes would get a distance look in them, when I'd ask her what happened between them, she would get angry at me, then she would blow me off and not want to talk about it, she was hot/cold all the time. One moment she was cold the next she was super sweet and would remind me of the woman I met, and she had a turbulent almost non-existent relationship with her father. She had a great job, many friends and social activities, and kept her appearance up and always dressed to the nines, but she went cold so quickly without any reason,  and I would guess she's with someone as we speak. She would have her phone face down when we were together, and when  I accidentally picked it up she got furious.  Trust issues also maybe? Maybe she's not BPD and my ego has just taken a beating,  but like I said before,  I've been in other relationships, but I can't seem to compare any to the one I just experienced. I really felt this woman was my soulmate, but she never said that. She also only told me she loved me twice, I was the first to say it, and to be honest, I think she was saying it to appease me. She liked to drink, not get sloppy drunk, but said she'd done some stuff in her past she wasn't proud of. She didn't share much as time went on, it was all at the beginning.  Normal healthy relationships progress where the other tells more and more, things between each other peel back like an onion, but she wasn't interested in me learning or getting to know more. She was very secretive about things. I'm a trustworthy guy, there was no reason for her to hold back anything, I would have protected her and given her the life she desired and deserved, but she wouldn't take it. That is just baffling,  many women would love to be in her place, but she didn't care about those things,  maybe that's where the attraction lies.

Plus, she's constantly on my mind, and it is driving me crazy. Can't get her out of it! I can't seem to hate her, I want the woman I met back.  :'(

[Confused?]

Well I can understand that you can't get her off her mind, we all went through that or still are. But because someone goes cold means they are BPD? Maybe she had a falling out with her ex and she was dating you to get him off her mind? You said she often brought him up. A lot of people self diagnose their exes here but most have a very good understanding about what happened during the relationship. Just because someone is hot/cold doesn't mean they are BPD. After my relationship I was devastated like others. I started talkin to a friend basically for emotional support. We ended up hooking up and I kept it going for some time. I went cold on her because it wasn't what I wanted. I tried telling her but didn't want to hurt her. But I ended up hurting her in the long run. My point is Just because I went cold on her doesn't mean I am a pwBPD. I just wasn't into the thing that was going on.

[C.Stein]

Thank you, C.Stein, I've followed your comments and posts and you've got a great grasp of what's going on. It never crossed my mind how quickly we were moving,  either I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags because I was in complete denial, or it was all just an act, meant to secure me through however means she saw fit, but her love felt real, her emotions were real. I hope none of it was fake and an act, that revelation will be too painful for me to deal with right now,  to be honest...  I miss that euphoria,  everyday,  and I'm sure another man us receiving it now, and that just makes me feel ill.

I wish I had a good grasp because I feel quite confused and lost at times, but thank you all the same.  My ex suggested marriage within the first month, so I know all to well about the speed of things.  I had fallen head over heals for her within weeks and the only thing that kept me from running away with her was some major red flags that popped up right in the beginning.  If I had been 20 years younger than I am now I would probably be married to her.

I have also been in complete denial but I am getting better at seeing her and the relationship for what it is.  I want desperately to believe it wasn't an act and there was something real there and part of me believes there was.   I really believe we had a special and unique bond, yet as I reflect on the relationship I see her love wasn't really true.  It was a conditional love based on me filling her needs and making her feel good about herself.  Once she had broken me to the point where I could no longer serve that role for her I got devalued and replaced.   What I have recently realized is she emotionally abandon me at the beginning of this year, presumably because it was too hard for her to face herself and fix the damage she had done.

She will never accept responsibility for what she did to me during the course of our relationship and if she does it will more likely be for self-serving purposes rather than for my benefit.  I too miss the euphoric idealization stage even though it was filled with a lot of bad along with the good.  In fact, most of the really severe damage that she did to me occurred during the idealization stage.  I suspect this is because I was the most open and vulnerable to her at these times, so the hurtful behavior really damaged me to my core.  But I persisted and believed in her even with the fears and doubts gnawing away at my gut and brain.

I am glad now I resisted the urge the run away with her.  Part of me still wants to believe we could be happy together but in the end all the fears and doubts I had in the beginning came true.  It really has been extremely difficult to deal with this realization because I had so completely believed in her and a future together with her.  I have never experience a bond or love like that in my life and probably won't again.  Once we get older opportunities seem to get less and less, but that doesn't mean you or I should allow ourselves to be emotionally compromised for what is essentially an illusion.

[sadmike1]

Well I can understand that you can't get her off her mind, we all went through that or still are. But because someone goes cold means they are BPD? Maybe she had a falling out with her ex and she was dating you to get him off her mind? You said she often brought him up. A lot of people self diagnose their exes here but most have a very good understanding about what happened during the relationship. Just because someone is hot/cold doesn't mean they are BPD. After my relationship I was devastated like others. I started talkin to a friend basically for emotional support. We ended up hooking up and I kept it going for some time. I went cold on her because it wasn't what I wanted. I tried telling her but didn't want to hurt her. But I ended up hurting her in the long run. My point is Just because I went cold on her doesn't mean I am a pwBPD. I just wasn't into the thing that was going on.

She talked about marriage the first two weeks we were together, that's not typical of any r/s I've ever been with.  She told me I was different than all the rest, she said I was perfect,  I tried to make her see I wasn't, but she put me on a pedestal,  and I hate to admit it, but I loved it. The flattery, the banter we had was almost like we had known each other for ages. That changed almost overnight. Those are not indicative of any Normal r/s I've ever been in, but I do see your point. There's others, signs that were there, but it's late, I'm tired, mentally and physically,  and will get into more details later. Thank you for your feedback though

[sadmike1]

Thank you, C.Stein, I've followed your comments and posts and you've got a great grasp of what's going on. It never crossed my mind how quickly we were moving,  either I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags because I was in complete denial, or it was all just an act, meant to secure me through however means she saw fit, but her love felt real, her emotions were real. I hope none of it was fake and an act, that revelation will be too painful for me to deal with right now,  to be honest...  I miss that euphoria,  everyday,  and I'm sure another man us receiving it now, and that just makes me feel ill.

I wish I had a good grasp because I feel quite confused and lost at times, but thank you all the same.  My ex suggested marriage within the first month, so I know all to well about the speed of things.  I had fallen head over heals for her within weeks and the only thing that kept me from running away with her was some major red flags that popped up right in the beginning.  If I had been 20 years younger than I am now I would probably be married to her.

I have also been in complete denial but I am getting better at seeing her and the relationship for what it is.  I want desperately to believe it wasn't an act and there was something real there and part of me believes there was.   I really believe we had a special and unique bond, yet as I reflect on the relationship I see her love wasn't really true.  It was a conditional love based on me filling her needs and making her feel good about herself.  Once she had broken me to the point where I could no longer serve that role for her I got devalued and replaced.   What I have recently realized is she emotionally abandon me at the beginning of this year, presumably because it was too hard for her to face herself and fix the damage she had done.

She will never accept responsibility for what she did to me during the course of our relationship and if she does it will more likely be for self-serving purposes rather than for my benefit.  I too miss the euphoric idealization stage even though it was filled with a lot of bad along with the good.  In fact, most of the really severe damage that she did to me occurred during the idealization stage.  I suspect this is because I was the most open and vulnerable to her at these times, so the hurtful behavior really damaged me to my core.  But I persisted and believed in her even with the fears and doubts gnawing away at my gut and brain.

I am glad now I resisted the urge the run away with her.  Part of me still wants to believe we could be happy together but in the end all the fears and doubts I had in the beginning came true.  It really has been extremely difficult to deal with this realization because I had so completely believed in her and a future together with her.  I have never experience a bond or love like that in my life and probably won't again.  Once we get older opportunities seem to get less and less, but that doesn't mean you or I should allow ourselves to be emotionally compromised for what is essentially an illusion.

If she contacted you right now,  do you think you'd go back?

[Confused?]

Well I can understand that you can't get her off her mind, we all went through that or still are. But because someone goes cold means they are BPD? Maybe she had a falling out with her ex and she was dating you to get him off her mind? You said she often brought him up. A lot of people self diagnose their exes here but most have a very good understanding about what happened during the relationship. Just because someone is hot/cold doesn't mean they are BPD. After my relationship I was devastated like others. I started talkin to a friend basically for emotional support. We ended up hooking up and I kept it going for some time. I went cold on her because it wasn't what I wanted. I tried telling her but didn't want to hurt her. But I ended up hurting her in the long run. My point is Just because I went cold on her doesn't mean I am a pwBPD. I just wasn't into the thing that was going on.

She talked about marriage the first two weeks we were together, that's not typical of any r/s I've ever been with.  She told me I was different than all the rest, she said I was perfect,  I tried to make her see I wasn't, but she put me on a pedestal,  and I hate to admit it, but I loved it. The flattery, the banter we had was almost like we had known each other for ages. That changed almost overnight. Those are not indicative of any Normal r/s I've ever been in, but I do see your point. There's others, signs that were there, but it's late, I'm tired, mentally and physically,  and will get into more details later. Thank you for your feedback though

You're welcome. I'm sure there is more to your story as to why you came to this conclusion of BPD. Share your story and many here will share theirs with you. This is a great place to vent and also learn. Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

[C.Stein]

If she contacted you right now,  do you think you'd go back?

If she is really in a new relationship as she claims and has been with another man that is a line that can't be uncrossed for me.  Add in the almost certain possibility she was getting at least emotionally involved with my replacement months before the final discard and that seals the deal.   I may have let her cross quite a few of my boundaries when we were together but that is a boundary set in stone.  She knew this when she told me about the new relationship and she knew exactly how much it would hurt me.   There is no coming back for her ... .if she has given herself and her love to another man and I want nothing to do with her.

On the flip side, if the opposite is true I really don't know what I would do.  Our relationship was probably 85-15 ... good-bad.  The only problem is the bad did some really serious damage and it would be a major struggle to regain trust again ... .not impossible though for me ... .for her though I think it would be too much for her to handle.  She can't take responsibility for her actions and that is what it would require at a minimum.

[sadmike1]

If she contacted you right now,  do you think you'd go back?

If she is really in a new relationship as she claims and has been with another man that is a line that can't be uncrossed for me.  Add in the almost certain possibility she was getting at least emotionally involved with my replacement months before the final discard and that seals the deal.   I may have let her cross quite a few of my boundaries when we were together but that is a boundary set in stone.  She knew this when she told me about the new relationship and she knew exactly how much it would hurt me.   There is no coming back for her ... .if she has given herself and her love to another man and I want nothing to do with her.

On the flip side, if the opposite is true I really don't know what I would do.  Our relationship was probably 85-15 ... good-bad.  The only problem is the bad did some really serious damage and it would be a major struggle to regain trust again ... .not impossible though for me ... .for her though I think it would be too much for her to handle.  She can't take responsibility for her actions and that is what it would require at a minimum.

I completely understand man, although if mine was in a relationship and contacted me now, I'd still be open to a reconciliation. I don't understand why the discrepancies between her and all the others before her, but I feel she was special,  her and I were and are meant to ride off into the sunset.  As I'm reading more aND more, that connection is what I'm having a hard time moving on from,  feeling I'll never find another like her, but seems as if it wasn't real? The connection,  after all? Too much pain to think about right now. This is all new to me, and completely overwhelming. Hopefully I'll gain more insight into this disorder,  and come to the realization that it was all a big lie, but deep down I'm truly hoping it isn't. ... .

Thanks for all the feedback.  Going to spend the rest of the evening processing some things. I'm in pain right now,  and wish her and I are able to talk soon, but she's not too responsive,  so looks like I'll be alone in sorting things out. From what I've read, I'm in for a long and hard journey, unfortunately.

[C.Stein]

but I feel she was special,  her and I were and are meant to ride off into the sunset.  As I'm reading more aND more, that connection is what I'm having a hard time moving on from,  feeling I'll never find another like her, but seems as if it wasn't real? The connection,  after all?

You and I both man.  I'm 48 and my ex was the deepest and most special bond and love I have ever shared with anyone.  It is hard to believe you can find that again at our age and perhaps we won't.  At some point you will be happy and grateful that you had the chance to experience that level of bonding and love at least once in your life.  The important thing to remember is it wouldn't have lasted ... .mine didn't.  That amazing chemistry and excitement of new found deep love goes away and you are left with what was underneath the illusion the whole time.  It is a truly sobering reality that will be very difficult for you to come to terms with because you were still in the idealization stage.  That said, eventually you will see it for what it is and you will heal. 

[sadmike1]

but I feel she was special,  her and I were and are meant to ride off into the sunset.  As I'm reading more aND more, that connection is what I'm having a hard time moving on from,  feeling I'll never find another like her, but seems as if it wasn't real? The connection,  after all?

You and I both man.  I'm 48 and my ex was the deepest and most special bond and love I have ever shared with anyone.  It is hard to believe you can find that again at our age and perhaps we won't.  At some point you will be happy and grateful that you had the chance to experience that level of bonding and love at least once in your life.  The important thing to remember is it wouldn't have lasted ... .mine didn't.  That amazing chemistry and excitement of new found deep love goes away and you are left with what was underneath the illusion the whole time.  It is a truly sobering reality that will be very difficult for you to come to terms with because you were still in the idealization stage.  That said, eventually you will see it for what it is and you will heal. 

I'm trying to date, looking for that chemistry, but you're right, a Longterm successful relationship is more than just chemistry and I need to stop looking for that connection with these others... .but boy does it feel good.

[C.Stein]

I'm trying to date, looking for that chemistry, but you're right, a Longterm successful relationship is more than just chemistry and I need to stop looking for that connection with these others... .but boy does it feel good.

Something I tried to explain to my ex was the sex, the making love, is only a very small part of the relationship.  She put too much weight on making love, using it as an indication of relationship health.  I tired to explain to her that all the other aspects of the relationship ... .all the small moments and interactions of day to day life is what defines a relationship.  These moments ... .the friendship you develop is the core of the relationship.  Sex/making love is icing on the cake.

I believe she also used sex as a means to make her feel good and desirable, as well as using it for stress relief.  In some ways she is addicted to it.   When we were very active it was like she couldn't get enough.  She wanted it more and more and at times would complain about not getting it enough.  Then when I gave her more she complained that all we did was have sex/make love.  I couldn't win with her. 

Eventually her behavior pushed me away to the point where the sex became infrequent.  Once I open myself up to someone sex ceases to be a physical act and becomes more a mixing of energies, love and emotional intimacy.   The more she hurt me the more the sex became just sex.  As the wall around my heart got higher the sex became more mechanical ... .I felt like I was just a tool serving a purpose.   This is not a good place to be.

In any event the point is, the chemistry ... .the sex ... .doesn't/shouldn't define a relationship.  If you find yourself in a relationship where it does then you need to proceed with extreme caution or run for your life.

[Herodias]

Mirroring is where they learn about you quickly and mirror your feelings on subjects and mirror your behavior. They are really good at figuring people out quickly and acting out the role of your perfect soulmate. The problem is, they can't keep it up forever and eventually they become themselves. Unfortunately they may not be that perfect match in the long run. I know my ex was with a drug addict when he was younger... .when he got away from her, he quit. With me, I resemble his parents lifestyle the most... .he worked hard to move up in his job and he lived as if he was "keeping up with the joneses"... .if that makes sense. Now he is with a redneck girl from the country and he even has an accent! Interesting, when our state was having controversy over the confederate flag, he asked me what I thought about it. I gave an opposite opinion of her. When I asked him what he thought, he had no opinion for himself. That's what I mean. They are like chameleons and take on your personality. It doesn't last.

[Learning Fast]

SadMIke1,

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find that this site will become invaluable to you in the days, weeks and months to come.

Remember---the counsel you'll receive from the membership is very genuine as we've all been in your shoes and on your path.  Although much of it may be not what you want to hear, as time moves forward you'll come to appreciate and agree that the members have your back.

My first recommendation for you at this point would be to become as educated as you possibly can about the disorder.  My exuBPDgf first left me (with a three sentence goodbye text) just over a year ago after an 11 month relationship (we had a lengthy recycle and I was last intimate with her about 5 mos ago---have been LC since as we have daughters who are best friends).  Discovering this site was a lifesaver in the beginning as we are all searching for answers at that stage.  I would spend a couple hours a day learning as much as I could about the disorder---and was able to connect many dots. 

Use the time you're currently spending thinking about her to learn about her disorder.  Forewarned is forearmed. Never ignore the obvious.  Ironically, I'm also in finance and have a good friend who is also a psych unofficially diagnose my ex as BPD after her first departure.  I was then able to much more clearly understand her mystifying behavior.  As you'll learn pwBPD are consistently inconsistent.

Read much, post often and reach out for opinions.  We are all here for you.

LF

[sadmike1]

SadMIke1,

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find that this site will become invaluable to you in the days, weeks and months to come.

Remember---the counsel you'll receive from the membership is very genuine as we've all been in your shoes and on your path.  Although much of it may be not what you want to hear, as time moves forward you'll come to appreciate and agree that the members have your back.

My first recommendation for you at this point would be to become as educated as you possibly can about the disorder.  My exuBPDgf first left me (with a three sentence goodbye text) just over a year ago after an 11 month relationship (we had a lengthy recycle and I was last intimate with her about 5 mos ago---have been LC since as we have daughters who are best friends).  Discovering this site was a lifesaver in the beginning as we are all searching for answers at that stage.  I would spend a couple hours a day learning as much as I could about the disorder---and was able to connect many dots. 

Use the time you're currently spending thinking about her to learn about her disorder.  Forewarned is forearmed. Never ignore the obvious.  Ironically, I'm also in finance and have a good friend who is also a psych unofficially diagnose my ex as BPD after her first departure.  I was then able to much more clearly understand her mystifying behavior.  As you'll learn pwBPD are consistently inconsistent.

Read much, post often and reach out for opinions.  We are all here for you.

LF

Thank you. I'm just having difficulty understanding the whole thing... .Was it all an illusion?  I've read where they are manipulators,  but I'm very good at detecting BS and there was none that I witnessed. She never asked me for money, never asked me to buy her anything,  in fact she was offering to pay for things at times, of course I didn't let her, but what was the game? Was her love also a manipulation? It just felt so real and I thought she was going to be it... .Maybe I got dumped and my ego can't take it, but the out of the blue cease and desist, completely removed from her life, NC has done a number on me and I barely have any energy to type this. Hopefully this therapy session will make me understand more.  Thanks everyone

[NoNoNo]

... .Was it all an illusion?  I've read where they are manipulators,

yes, it is. yes, they are. your story sounds so much like mine mike, only i'm a bit further down the road: have broken up with my BPDxg and have been in strict NC for two months. i now have come to realize that the love i thought i was feeling was pure compassion towards her, mixed with a need (on my end) to be cared for (she sweetly would take care of me when not in abandonment, engulfment, mode) topped with what now feels like a bad addiction. she was my high. when she pushed me away i would go down, real down. would do everything to get the next fix. that connection you are talking about, i felt it as well. it was amazing. it was what stopped me from leaving. i was hooked on that idea, i also have a very successful career, have been with amazing women that i have loved and that have loved me. women that i still care about and that still care about me. i have a fulfilling life. but when i thought about that connection, everything else seemed to not matter anymore. very unhealthy. the connection was not a true connection, it was mirroring. i was completely blind, can you believe that on top of BPD my xg is also a diagnosed anorexic? and i never during the course of the r/s put a name to it? i mean all the signs were there. everything. and i was just closing my eyes to it all. to all the borderline toxicity and the anorexia despair... .

don't close your eyes. STOP, LOOK & GO

[JRT]

SadMIke1,

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find that this site will become invaluable to you in the days, weeks and months to come.

Remember---the counsel you'll receive from the membership is very genuine as we've all been in your shoes and on your path.  Although much of it may be not what you want to hear, as time moves forward you'll come to appreciate and agree that the members have your back.

My first recommendation for you at this point would be to become as educated as you possibly can about the disorder.  My exuBPDgf first left me (with a three sentence goodbye text) just over a year ago after an 11 month relationship (we had a lengthy recycle and I was last intimate with her about 5 mos ago---have been LC since as we have daughters who are best friends).  Discovering this site was a lifesaver in the beginning as we are all searching for answers at that stage.  I would spend a couple hours a day learning as much as I could about the disorder---and was able to connect many dots. 

Use the time you're currently spending thinking about her to learn about her disorder.  Forewarned is forearmed. Never ignore the obvious.  Ironically, I'm also in finance and have a good friend who is also a psych unofficially diagnose my ex as BPD after her first departure.  I was then able to much more clearly understand her mystifying behavior.  As you'll learn pwBPD are consistently inconsistent.

Read much, post often and reach out for opinions.  We are all here for you.

LF

Thank you. I'm just having difficulty understanding the whole thing... .Was it all an illusion?  I've read where they are manipulators,  but I'm very good at detecting BS and there was none that I witnessed. She never asked me for money, never asked me to buy her anything,  in fact she was offering to pay for things at times, of course I didn't let her, but what was the game? Was her love also a manipulation? It just felt so real and I thought she was going to be it... .Maybe I got dumped and my ego can't take it, but the out of the blue cease and desist, completely removed from her life, NC has done a number on me and I barely have any energy to type this. Hopefully this therapy session will make me understand more.  Thanks everyone

Hi Mike... .I have been monitoring your thread... .sorry to hear that you have had to endure this... .in many respects, your posts and situation resonates with mine... .my relationship and engagement to my expwBPD ended last September. Ours was free of the acrimony that seem to typify most BPD relationships and I was perfectly happy as we were very compatible, had similar/same goals, interests and so on. After having sold her redundant household furniture and such and only a week after we ordered our wedding rings, she moved out of my house while I was away on business and notified me angrily (we NEVER even argued) via text.

That was the last time that I ever spoke with her as she had blocked me in just about every way imaginable from contact. She even went as far as to block the friends she had met through me on FB AND successfully persuade her family and friends to do the same! What little contact I attempted was returned with threatening letters from lawyer friends and the cops. It was very hurtful and confusing.

I think that you are on the right track and same one that I was on with some of the things that you are asking about. The sad reality is that you will probably not achieve a level of closure that you want until you remove yourself from the logic and reality that you (and the remainder of the healthy world) practice. I think that if you were to speak with your ex and get honest answers from her, you would receive some eyebrow raising responses; 2 + 2 to her might equal 5 and she might argue the point; her logic is based largely on emotion and if she FEELS that its 5, then it is. Mine only discussed her inner emotions just a few times and I was surprised and frustrated to hear this type of reasoning. Its no surprise that they do the things that they do, like suddenly dumping someone that they really care about, cutting them off and blocking them like yours and mine did.

It might help you to know that it is highly likely that she was profoundly enamored with you and you meant the world to her. Yes, that would mean that: she loved you SO much that she HAD to break up with you! I remember thinking that to myself for the first time and I recall how insane the thought was yet I couldn't be more true. Driven by a sense of low self worth, they are convinced that you will eventually leave them. How could someone so unworthy be loved (her charade otherwise might have been very convincing - mine was quite the actress in this regard)? You most certainly will find out how worthless they are and how much they have lied and you WILL leave. The fear becomes so great they can no longer deal with it and dump you before you can do the same to them! Like gnawing off a wounded appendage that could have easily been mended with a band aid. In the aftermath, using their logic they convince themselves that they were the victim and often demonstrate extreme anger and hostility towards the non even though THEY were the ones that did the breaking up!

Did she love you? Yeah, probably though its a bit of a different love than the non world practices. Do they manipulate? I think they manipulate the situation more than the person. Is it normal to have your ego hurt? Sure! But there is more to it than that I think especially given the sudden nature of things.

The best therapy and path to getting over this has been this site. Keep on posting and reading. Soon enough you will see a pattern develop and better be able to understand what type of person you were dealing with and why, often, a relationship with a pwBPD is simply not possible.

Hang in there!

[Learning Fast]

Mike,

I would echo many of these comments.  Although my ex would probably be categorized as BPD "lite" she exhibited all of the same behaviors that we have all endured---simply at a lower volatility level.  As with you, mine had significant financial resources and we basically split all of our dining/entertainment/travel expenses.  I count myself lucky in that there was no financial hardship on my end when we parted---it could have been a hell of a lot worse on many levels based on some of the threads that I've followed.

A couple of things to contemplate as you ramp up your BPD knowledge:

---Did she love me?  Sure---but it was BPD "love".  In reality it resembles more of an intense infatuation or massive crush---very shallow with little to no breadth---almost like an adolescent love (and we all know teenagers can break up/make up in a nanosecond).

---Was I manipulated?  Not in her mind as she was focused on her needs and her needs only---and if those wants/needs involved you that was your bonus.  There is a recovering pwBPD who posted on this site that she would pretty much do whatever it took to get what she wanted or wished---she didn't know of any other way to function---to her it was "business as usual".

---Should I take her behavior personally?  This is one that many of us struggle with throughout the post mortem.  I've come to believe that many of the ugly incidents (as well as the good ones) were driven be the disorder.  If I could have removed the disorder from the relationship there is no doubt the outcome would have differed... .that being said:

---Is there anything that I could have done differently---could I have helped her develop a more fulfilling relationship?  Again, many of us wrestle with the plain fact that without years of committed therapy there is nothing we could have done to alter the outcome.  Think about it by flipping the table---how long would it take you to change your behavior patterns to those of a pwBPD?

Keep learning and posting---at this point it is like drinking out of a fire hose---but you'll develop more and more clarity as you move forward.

LF 

[sadmike1]

SadMIke1,

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find that this site will become invaluable to you in the days, weeks and months to come.

Remember---the counsel you'll receive from the membership is very genuine as we've all been in your shoes and on your path.  Although much of it may be not what you want to hear, as time moves forward you'll come to appreciate and agree that the members have your back.

My first recommendation for you at this point would be to become as educated as you possibly can about the disorder.  My exuBPDgf first left me (with a three sentence goodbye text) just over a year ago after an 11 month relationship (we had a lengthy recycle and I was last intimate with her about 5 mos ago---have been LC since as we have daughters who are best friends).  :)iscovering this site was a lifesaver in the beginning as we are all searching for answers at that stage.  I would spend a couple hours a day learning as much as I could about the disorder---and was able to connect many dots.  

Use the time you're currently spending thinking about her to learn about her disorder.  Forewarned is forearmed. Never ignore the obvious.  Ironically, I'm also in finance and have a good friend who is also a psych unofficially diagnose my ex as BPD after her first departure.  I was then able to much more clearly understand her mystifying behavior.  As you'll learn pwBPD are consistently inconsistent.

Read much, post often and reach out for opinions.  We are all here for you.

LF

Thank you. I'm just having difficulty understanding the whole thing... .Was it all an illusion?  I've read where they are manipulators,  but I'm very good at detecting BS and there was none that I witnessed. She never asked me for money, never asked me to buy her anything,  in fact she was offering to pay for things at times, of course I didn't let her, but what was the game? Was her love also a manipulation? It just felt so real and I thought she was going to be it... .Maybe I got dumped and my ego can't take it, but the out of the blue cease and desist, completely removed from her life, NC has done a number on me and I barely have any energy to type this. Hopefully this therapy session will make me understand more.  Thanks everyone

Hi Mike... .I have been monitoring your thread... .sorry to hear that you have had to endure this... .in many respects, your posts and situation resonates with mine... .my relationship and engagement to my expwBPD ended last September. Ours was free of the acrimony that seem to typify most BPD relationships and I was perfectly happy as we were very compatible, had similar/same goals, interests and so on. After having sold her redundant household furniture and such and only a week after we ordered our wedding rings, she moved out of my house while I was away on business and notified me angrily (we NEVER even argued) via text.

That was the last time that I ever spoke with her as she had blocked me in just about every way imaginable from contact. She even went as far as to block the friends she had met through me on FB AND successfully persuade her family and friends to do the same! What little contact I attempted was returned with threatening letters from lawyer friends and the cops. It was very hurtful and confusing.

I think that you are on the right track and same one that I was on with some of the things that you are asking about. The sad reality is that you will probably not achieve a level of closure that you want until you remove yourself from the logic and reality that you (and the remainder of the healthy world) practice. I think that if you were to speak with your ex and get honest answers from her, you would receive some eyebrow raising responses; 2 + 2 to her might equal 5 and she might argue the point; her logic is based largely on emotion and if she FEELS that its 5, then it is. Mine only discussed her inner emotions just a few times and I was surprised and frustrated to hear this type of reasoning. Its no surprise that they do the things that they do, like suddenly dumping someone that they really care about, cutting them off and blocking them like yours and mine did.

It might help you to know that it is highly likely that she was profoundly enamored with you and you meant the world to her. Yes, that would mean that: she loved you SO much that she HAD to break up with you! I remember thinking that to myself for the first time and I recall how insane the thought was yet I couldn't be more true. Driven by a sense of low self worth, they are convinced that you will eventually leave them. How could someone so unworthy be loved (her charade otherwise might have been very convincing - mine was quite the actress in this regard)? You most certainly will find out how worthless they are and how much they have lied and you WILL leave. The fear becomes so great they can no longer deal with it and dump you before you can do the same to them! Like gnawing off a wounded appendage that could have easily been mended with a band aid. In the aftermath, using their logic they convince themselves that they were the victim and often demonstrate extreme anger and hostility towards the non even though THEY were the ones that did the breaking up!

Did she love you? Yeah, probably though its a bit of a different love than the non world practices. Do they manipulate? I think they manipulate the situation more than the person. Is it normal to have your ego hurt? Sure! But there is more to it than that I think especially given the sudden nature of things.

The best therapy and path to getting over this has been this site. Keep on posting and reading. Soon enough you will see a pattern develop and better be able to understand what type of person you were dealing with and why, often, a relationship with a pwBPD is simply not possible.

Hang in there!

I really thank you for your insight.  Well, she replied finally to the email I sent Sunday night. I had asked her if she wanted to meet next week in Chicago,  as I have to go there for business on Friday and would like for her to stay with me through the weekend.  We've met like that before and she was excited and anxious to see me all those times. Not this time,  she said she's very sorry,  but she's already made plans (of course didn't tell me what) but to let her know the next time I go and "she'll plan on it!" and "she'd love to chat more with me, but was busy with a project at work, and to keep in touch " WTH does that mean? I just got blown off. Women have never blown me off, and I am not boasting at all, but it is quite the opposite. I'm sure she's got plans with another man and it is making me feel sick. My gut tells me I've been replaced. ... so soon? How can they do that? I never triggered her, but she may have felt engulfed after looking at rings. Who knows. I feel this has been the biggest mistake of my life, meeting her, if this was what was to come. How can they live with themselves?  

I feel sick to my stomach, I hear what everyone is saying,  I understand that their feelings for us can turn on a dime, but I just feel so duped right now. Everything that happened between us was an act. It had to be for her to be so loving and sweet for all those months, then act like an acquaintance or colleague. This is unreal and I'm ready to be over it, but I feel I've gotten obsessed.  Almost like I'm the one with mental illness. Twilight zone kind of stuff happening here.  Like I said earlier,  I'm sure it's all my ego, but my ego isn't that large that I'm feeling this bad. I went on a date tonight, pushed myself to take this girl a friend of mine has been pushing me to meet. I thought why not... she ended up being an attractive (but not stunning like my pwBPD) She was fun, outgoing,  and a very put together woman, any man would love to be with this girl tonight, but I felt nothing. She just didn't seem "real". Ironic, huh... . It just wasn't happening, and I am all worked up because I'm afraid another like my pwBPD isn't out there. That she was made for me, but I know she was just mirroring (which I can't seem to accept right now). I also have been feeling hatred for her this evening, before, during the date, and after I dropped my date off, which is totally unfair to my dates but I can't help it right now. I know she's not making me feel this way, I'm choosing to feel this way (at least that's what my new therapist said today, the session went alright,  I'll give it another shot)

I'm just aggravated because I know she's got many chasing her, and I'm mad because some other guy is feeling that wonderful high feeling you get when just being around her, hell, I even got that elation from just text exchanges with her.

Manipulation,  that's a terrible thing to do to someone. I just keep trying to dig deep and see what I've done in the past to deserve this,  can't seem to think of anything. I miss her bad tonight,  i wish she'd responded differently.  I'd give her the world, but seems it doesn't matter. If it's true about the mirroring, then she should win an Academy Award, but her opinions were at times different than mine, she held stron and true convictions that not necessarily agreed with mine, she challenged me, no other woman did that, and that's why I'm having such a hard time thinking she's really gone.

It's a struggle,  every day and every night.  I can't sleep,  but would love to, because theno I'd be free of thoughts of her, if only momentarily.  Thanks everyone for your support.  

[Kelli Cornett]

Did she just randomly take off?

[sadmike1]

Did she just randomly take off?

She just stopped responding to my texts, quit taking my calls. This past week she got extremely "busy with work"  Everything was going fine between us and that's why I can't understand why the sudden change of heart. I asked her several times if things were OK,  and she would say of course, yet her actions proved otherwise. Maybe she'll come around,  but the drastic decrease in our (her) communication has me dumbfounded at this moment.

[Kelli Cornett]

Did she just randomly take off?

She just stopped responding to my texts, quit taking my calls. This past week she got extremely "busy with work"  Everything was going fine between us and that's why I can't understand why the sudden change of heart. I asked her several times if things were OK,  and she would say of course, yet her actions proved otherwise. Maybe she'll come around,  but the drastic decrease in our (her) communication has me dumbfounded at this moment.

Did she officially break up with you or just fade out?

[Learning Fast]

Mike,

Same thing happened to me with the initial discard back in Sept '14.  Literally within hours we went from playfully texting to her stating that she was "going to move on".  What the heck?  Within 5 hrs?  Yep.

After some back and forth we eventually reconnected in Nov '14 for a lengthy on again/off again recycle that ended in June of '15.  Out of sheer luck I discovered this site in Oct '14 and was able to become much more aware of BPD when we hooked up again in Nov of that year.

Two things that came out of my recycle experience (and I suspect that many members will concur):

---It never went back to the way it was during the idealization phase.  It was still intense, emotionally and passionate but probably on a scale of 1-10 was about a 5, 6, 7 vs. an 11 during idealization.

---During the recycle period it is critically important to believe ACTIONS and not WORDS.  It was during this phase that I noticed many of the "omissions of truth" and lack of bond in the relationship---it tended to ebb and flow, come and go.

---Be prepared emotionally and mentally for another departure at some point.  Becoming educated about BPD behavior helped me immensely when we eventually parted back in June.  Certainly not easy but it could have been much more devastating.

I mention all of this because you certainly could be recycled and at this point would probably be open to it if offered.  There is nothing to be ashamed of it occurs as we all have been there. Just remember---forewarned is forearmed.



LF

[sadmike1]

Did she just randomly take off?

She just stopped responding to my texts, quit taking my calls. This past week she got extremely "busy with work"  Everything was going fine between us and that's why I can't understand why the sudden change of heart. I asked her several times if things were OK,  and she would say of course, yet her actions proved otherwise. Maybe she'll come around,  but the drastic decrease in our (her) communication has me dumbfounded at this moment.

Did she officially break up with you or just fade out?

She faded... .no official See ya! Or nothing.  I guess to keep the door open, but this door is going to be closed soon. I'm getting repulsed by the thought of her with another and madder the more I think about it. I feel used, not financially,  but mentally. I'm just very angry.

[sadmike1]

Mike,

Same thing happened to me with the initial discard back in Sept '14.  Literally within hours we went from playfully texting to her stating that she was "going to move on".  What the heck?  Within 5 hrs?  Yep.

After some back and forth we eventually reconnected in Nov '14 for a lengthy on again/off again recycle that ended in June of '15.  Out of sheer luck I discovered this site in Oct '14 and was able to become much more aware of BPD when we hooked up again in Nov of that year.

Two things that came out of my recycle experience (and I suspect that many members will concur):

---It never went back to the way it was during the idealization phase.  It was still intense, emotionally and passionate but probably on a scale of 1-10 was about a 5, 6, 7 vs. an 11 during idealization.

---During the recycle period it is critically important to believe ACTIONS and not WORDS.  It was during this phase that I noticed many of the "omissions of truth" and lack of bond in the relationship---it tended to ebb and flow, come and go.

---Be prepared emotionally and mentally for another departure at some point.  Becoming educated about BPD behavior helped me immensely when we eventually parted back in June.  Certainly not easy but it could have been much more devastating.

I mention all of this because you certainly could be recycled and at this point would probably be open to it if offered.  There is nothing to be ashamed of it occurs as we all have been there. Just remember---forewarned is forearmed.



LF

Thanks, man, it almost seems like we're all dating the same person at times. glad for this site, and finding those with similar situations.  Definitely don't feel in the dark anymore. Unfortunately,  I'd be very open to recycle (not fond of that term because it reminds me of rubbage, something that's thrown away) but knowing what I know now... .would it even be the same again?  9 hours scouring posts and comments tells me No, sadly... .I don't even know if I want this girl back now. She's a con, master manipulator, and I want someone like that in my life? Mind says no, heart says yes.