Hi lannister,
you know you are dealing with BPD. Your wife is doing some therapy. You found us
This is a very good fresh starting point for improving your lot. There are a few skills that make a huge difference and can be learned by anyone. It is important to note that these tools are no magical tricks but tools that require a bit of focused learning, regular application and often guidance by other users. They are big energy savers too:
Boundaries - often initially a bit scary, first ones may trigger some hidden conflicts help a lot to reduce rage, verbal, physical abuse. Once in place the pwBPD will be triggered less and if triggered the situation is usually less exhausting.
Validation - reflecting back the often negative thoughts and emotions helps us to avoid internalizing them. They also help the pwBPD to process and regulate a bit. Over time validation builds deeper understanding and leads to a healthier connection (countering the somewhat centrifugal effect of boundaries). Validation takes a little practice and energy but the skill building investment pays back in many ways beyond a romantic relationship too.
Avoiding invalidation - Tends to be effort free and reduces unhealthy triggers. A first step for us is simply avoiding JADE - Justify ourselves, Argue, Defend or Explain - as this is particularly pointless and triggering with a pwBPD. A healthy relationship has 5 validating to one invalidating exchange so avoiding invalidation on our side can do a lot to shift the balance.
You find an overview of the tools in the
LESSONS and they are compatible with your wife being in therapy. A good way to get started is to take a concrete skill and/or a concrete situation and write down your thoughts here. Writing clarifies your thinking, helps you to process the immense pressure you suffer under and feedback from others helps you to quickly improve your plans and actions.
,
a0
