Bad morning, just need to talk

[homefree]

So I had one of those especially cruel dreams this morning. She was with someone she had a long affair with many years ago. Someone I always thought was cooler than I ever could have been. And she was having a blast with him and viewing me as inferior as I felt at the same time. They were having this amazing fun, cool, exciting life and I was this heel that was following around wishing I could be like them. Dreams sometimes just go right for the throat, don't they?

Then I woke up and with that dream in my head it took me a little to figure out what my actual situation was. My brain put it together for me and it was like I was dealing with the breakup and replacement for the first time, all at once.

The one two punch of this shocked my system. As I shaved and brushed my teeth, I had the thought that I might never see her again and it felt like I might die in that moment.

I managed to snap out of it and head out to my Therapist appointment. I was hoping that would give me some much needed reality and grounding, but when I got there, I was told it wasn't for another week. So here I am at work, feeling slight shell shocked. I feel better having written this, so that's good.

I should be grateful that the gaps between dark moments seems to be widening, but man, those moments. They know exactly where to kick you.   

[butterfly15]

I can imagine how you feel. I have been waiting to see my T for over 3 weeks. I don't talk to many about my situation because they don't understand the addiction. They are like he's selfish just walk away. We know it's just not that easy. I am still under his spell. Just reached 3 weeks NC. Neither of us have tried. I am almost embarassed to discuss details about his serial cheating with others. I mean how could I have been so naive? I truly wasn't now that I have had time to reflect. I just acted like it never happened. He was really good at gaslighting. That part sucked. I miss him or the idea/attachement of him but I like all the others here deserve so much better! I hope your day gets better. I am glad you found this forum as am I. I have realized there was really nothing I could do to stop him. He has to want to stop himself. I am angry that I "wasted" 2 years of my life loving him. To know now what I didnt then. Oh how I wish I would have walked away so much sooner. I thought I could change him. Get him help. It would get better. It didn't it. It won't ;(

[Itstopsnow]

Mornings are hard for me too! I wake with much anxitues . I can't believe the situation still. He was a serial cheater, and I had no clue! Not one! He acted like he was only interested in me. I'm on 3 weeks no NC. The longest we've gone without talking. I own my own business doing massage therapy and work is super slow. I feel very depressed. He is likely still chasing the OW that was his GF, or dating a bunch of new ones. He never even tried to say one thing to me when I found everything out. I'm sure he will never try, I know it would all be. Lie anyway. But it still hurts. We have to realize these people are sick! There is nothing to them! The end when things got way out of control , that's when you see their true self. The anger, implusiveness, the blaming and rages! That is what they are truly all about . We don't realize it now, but we are the lucky ones . We still have a chance at a healthy real life! There is nothing normal about these people , the way they live, the way the view the world, nothing! If you tell your story to anyone they are usually shocked! It always seems like a lifetime movie. This is no way to live. I miss him too, the illusion, the fact that he gave me so much time and attention, but he was cheating with who knows who. I wish I never dated him and that we broke up after 6 months. But I stuck it out 20 months. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Hang in there! There are a lot of people feeling your pain. We can get through this. And remember they will only continue to live their chaotic lifestyle for the rest of their lives . That is terrible! And nothing I want to be a part of

[homefree]

Thank you. Seriously.

The pull of logically understanding the reality of what we were with the heavy emotion of missing the fantasy is tearing me apart. It's like two voices talking in my head. Only the logical one is a whisper, and the emotional one is a roar. I know the logical voice is correct but I can hardly hear it through the din.

I just have to get through it. I've experienced it before, I tell myself. The conviction that my life is now over, and I'm cursed to walk through this shadowland where I will never be happy again, I will never know love like that again, and I will just go through the motions of living until they put me in the ground. I know it's bullshyt, the thoughts of a brain steeped in withdrawal. I need to keep moving through it. I'm sure feeling this pain is part of the healing process. Though that's of little consolation. Not right now.