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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: What do you think caused them to become BPD in the first place?  (Read 1585 times)
Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2015, 01:11:16 AM »

I personally believe it is both genetic predisposition and nurture.  This is what I know about my pwBPD:

- her mother was in an abusive r/s while she was pregnant with J.  After J was born, her mother left J's biological dad.  J had no contact with him and her step dad raised her.  The interesting part to this is that J would never tell me at what point her step dad came into the picture other than it was when J was a baby.  It's been hinted at that J's mother was involved with her step dad and left J's biological dad to be with the step dad.

- J's mother shows signs of mental illness as well (I have personally witnessed this).  Mother is undiagnosed, but J claimed growing up she was subjected to emotional abuse (i.e., told J she was a mistake and should've aborted her) as well as physical abuse (example: J told me she was once beat with a hot curling iron because she flinched while her mom was curling her hair).  J has never stated she was sexually abused to me.

- J has told me many times that her grandparents was a buffer for the abuse and when they died she was resentful of their death because they left her alone with her mother and that she has never dealt with / grieved for her grandparents.  In times of crisis, J will go to their gravesite.

- J's step father will not stand up to his wife.  His response (via J telling me) is that he will leave the residence or minimize the mother's behavior.  He has been known to also emotionally abuse J, but J still holds him in high regard.

- J is resentful of her half brother.  She says that her parents give him everything and see him as the perfect child.  J has told me her mother often tells her how much better her brother is and she wishes J wasn't around.  She also hates the fact that she's "messed up" and her brother is fine without a care in the world.

So, I see that the mother has a mental illness (which appears Cluster B) so J had a disposition to it, genetically speaking and then by adding the abuse in (nurture portion), it created the perfect storm for her to get BPD.  Her brother, who is idealized by her mother didn't receive the treatment that J did.  He may have the genetic ability to have a PD, but didn't have the second part of the equation.  He may not have even got the faulty gene.  Could J have turned out 'normal' had her mother shown her compassion and love?  Maybe.  That's where the debate lies: nature vs nurture or both.  While I don't pretend to be smart enough to try to figure that out, what I do know is that the sum of all J's parts have made her, her.  She has BPD.  How she got there, for me, is irrelevant.  I just wish there was a 'remedy' for it.  She has such great potential that she will never reach because of her own limitations.

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