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Author Topic: you can see the future  (Read 550 times)
Should I stay or...
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: SO
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« on: December 01, 2015, 06:29:00 PM »

My soon to be brother-in-law, that never happened, shares his life with me, he's married to my ex's sister.

We befriended during my relationship with his sister-in-law and have remained friends.

He calls at least twice a week on his commute to work, he's a great guy but his life is so pathetic. He's married to the sister; a carbon copy of my girl except his wife has empathy. Mine told me she had none!

I feel so sorry for him. He's a mutated version of his single self, a codependent partner who's world revolves around her every whim. I could share much of his life but let's just say it's sad and I wouldn't want to be him.

let's talk sex; we all want the sex of our idealization phase to last, and he had the idealization phase too, they met one weekend and never left each other, now married 15 years, and he's lucky to get sex once a year. It's gone baby gone, throw a little anti depressant into the mix and you get nada... .

What would you do now if you could see a glimpse of the future with your bp partner and it's not so rosy; a disaster, would you want to be replaced?

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C.Stein
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2015, 07:39:52 PM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=286796.msg12702295#msg12702295 date=1449016140
What would you do now if you could see a glimpse of the future with your bp partner and it's not so rosy; a disaster, would you want to be replaced?

My problem is I just don't know what a future would hold.  I have run all the scenarios, good and bad, so many times I have worn a groove in my brain.  It could go both ways ... .although at this stage of the game the scenarios are tipped more towards a bad outcome than good.  That tipping is however based on inferred knowledge.   Worth noting we did not live together and I did see hints of what living with her might be like and it wasn't all that pretty. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2015, 09:25:29 PM »

Hi Should I stay or... .,

I'm pretty sure that my family members or friend wondered why I kept going back to my wife when we seperated each year for a few years   Maybe they judged me, my wife and my marriage but I was in my marriage and nobody else. We have kids and I didn't want the family to be torn apart, I wanted our family to be together. That was my main reason to stay with my ex wife was for the kids because I thought at some point my ex would snap out of it.

You pointed out the idealization phase and it was so much the sex but I felt like when I met my ex wife she was the first person in my life that really got me. I didn't understand what being put on the pedestal was and that the person that she became later in the relationship due to her failing part time self was closer to reality than at the beginning of the relationship.

I felt foolish after our marriage dissolved because I waited several years for the woman that idealized me to come back. I often asked myself what happened to that easy going, understanding and caring person woman that I first met? I kept waiting for our relationship to turn a corner and even in the final stages of our relationship - the devaluation phase. To answer your question with what would I do?

My ex wife was the catalyst for me to dig deep and change. I had a lot of emotional wounds from childhood that were compounded and not resolved. I still have work to do but she pointed me in the right direction and showed me where my wounds are and the areas that I needed to work on with relationships, boundaries, respect, trust, communication.

I felt like I was going through the motions in our marriage. I was the breadwinner and provider and I wasn't spending as much time and attention with my kids. Our divorce showed me what is important in life and I think that's love. My kids need attention and love and their mother can't provide that as much as she could. I see now what's important and she gave me the nudge in the right direction to seek those answers. I may of missed a lot of important life lessons if it weren't for her.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
joeramabeme
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Relationship status: In process of divorcing
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« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2015, 10:58:52 PM »

What would you do now if you could see a glimpse of the future with your bp partner and it's not so rosy; a disaster, would you want to be replaced?

Let me reword the subject of your question for clarity. 

What would I do if I could see the future that continued heroin use was going to have on me now that I am already severely addicted, would I stop? 

Probably not if I could afford it and it was available.

Really, I think the answer comes down to that.  It would have taken a serious health issue, intervention or act of God to get me out, I am plain and simple - stupid and weak. 

Let's see - you are giving free beat downs with a candy bar at the end, sign me up!  I will only remember the candy bar moment.
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Should I stay or...
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: SO
Posts: 157



« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2015, 07:24:44 AM »

... .just got off the morning phone call with my soon to be never brother in law. As I mentioned he needs to release his emotions to someone that knows the family like I do, since I dated his sister-in-law for 5 years  And, I also get the reinforcement that I need to stay NC by living vicariously through his woes... .he gives me pep talks to stay away, He's known her for 20 years and this is her pattern with every guy, he exclaims.

I asked about how things are at home with "C" his wife, and he informs me that things are bad right now. Today is the anniversary date of their dad's suicide and tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of their older sister's suicide too.

An aside; I had taken my ex and her two children last summer to a soccer game that was played in a newly built stadium that has a beautiful vista overlooking a bridge. As we got comfortable in our seats I can recall my ex saying matter of factually that her sister jumped from that bridge and impaled herself on the fencing below, wow what! I recall her saying too that she looked so peaceful at the wake.

He continues to remind me that my ex is responsible for her older sister's death but she tells the story slightly differently. He said today that my ex is a sociopath, never heard him say this before, "she's an uncaring person that is only out for herself."

I knew from dating my ex that the holidays weren't a good time for her and her remaining members of her family which is now her and older sister "C", and she doesn't speak to C when she raged at her 2 years ago during a dinner party... .Needless to say, C is not doing well right now... .I don't know how my ex's doing.

Should I stay?


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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2015, 08:25:58 AM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=286796.msg12702295#msg12702295 date=1449016140
What would you do now if you could see a glimpse of the future with your bp partner and it's not so rosy; a disaster, would you want to be replaced?

My problem is I just don't know what a future would hold.  It could go both ways ... .although at this stage of the game the scenarios are tipped more towards a bad outcome than good.  

Holy Toledo, I could see the future (when I was willing to take off the rosy godd*nmed glasses) because I was living it in the present.  A constant whirl of chaos and strife.  I am divorced and my ex-husband was not BPD.  Marriage is hard enough.  Why would we want to go into it knowing 'it could go both ways?"  Of course, any marriage (or LTR) could go South, but why enter one that is so suspicious from the start?  (I say to myself  Smiling (click to insert in post) ... .as my UxBPDbf had all kinds of issues right from the start!  I am just SO grateful I didn't sign myself up for a lifetime of that r/s!)
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