Got back together for about two weeks until we had another blow up last week

[bluejeans]

I am back on this forum to admit that I am having trouble again. My SO and I split up but had been still in contact almost daily, got back together for about two weeks until we had another blow up last week. I wasn't totally committed to getting back together and she realized that since I hadn't told anyone close to me yet. We have had so many break ups since July I can't keep track... .I was working with my therapist and it was going well in that I was feeling strong. Things changed, my SO was being nice again... .I skipped my therapy appointment because I didn't want to tell her. But I have gone back to CoDA (3 weeks in a row now) so that is something. I know the relationship is not good for me but I keep getting sucked back in.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Are you fighhting over the same things.

[livednlearned]

Your therapist probably figured it out 

Therapists seem to know things we don't want them to know. 

Do the break-ups seems to follow the same pattern each time?

LnL

[Lucky Jim]

Why do you think you keep getting sucked back in?  Maybe there is something you can learn from?

LuckyJim

[bluejeans]

Everything is the same, same fights, same issues. Nothing has changed. Except I am more aware of the patterns and my role. I am still hanging on for some reason. The hope that things will change, I guess, but this is not realistic.

[babyducks]

Hi blue jeans

Have you gone back to see your therapist again?   When you say you are more aware of the patterns could you describe how the pattern plays out? 

It's discouraging to be stuck in the cycle of conflict.    Where are you today with your partner, in contact or is there some distance?

Babyducks

[bluejeans]

Haven't seen my therapist yet. Will call later today to set it up. The pattern in a nutshell is she rages, we break up, she comes around and is nice again, we sort of get back together or at least engage to some extent, over and over again. 

My need to be writing here... .like journaling, it helps to get it out. Plus, I feel like I am making myself accountable.

Today we are disengaged. She is living out of town trying to get her career on track (again).  I am not going to contact her.   

[livednlearned]

The pattern in a nutshell is she rages, we break up, she comes around and is nice again, we sort of get back together or at least engage to some extent

Do you notice certain things (topics, behaviors) that trigger these rages?

How might she go from being nice to being angry?

[babyducks]

To LNL's point there were indeed triggers to my partner's rages,  I had a hard time identifying them because I was in the middle of things.   It took another set of uninvolved eyes to help me unravel what was really going on.   What do you think?   

[bluejeans]

What triggers her anger is not getting what she wants when she wants it. It is either she is not getting enough or the right kind of attention from me, or I try to set a boundary and she pushes back.

[babyducks]

boundary enforcement and the mini abandonment of lack of attention are two tough areas.   everyone struggles with them.   

would you like some specific help with either or both?   is there some part that you find particularly difficult?