Divorce is really going to happen and I dont want it to

[joeramabeme]

I need some help - don't know exactly what it is but throwing this out to the bpdfamily universe.

I have been in divorce process since filing in February and her leaving our house in July.  The emotions have run the gamut and I have posted here and learned.  We have had a contentious settlement negotiation period and a friend suggested that I was using this process to hold onto her.  Well after a number of back and forths and false starts (ends), now she has agreed to my most recent proposed settlement and had her lawyer draft a divorce agreement and now I know my friend was right because I really fell to pieces tonight knowing that the divorce will really happen.

I simply cannot believe it.  She was my family.  I deeply believed she was my family.  I don't have a family, she was my family.  How can she just move on?  Is there no recognition available?  I thought I was her family too.

There is no justice for BPD only suffering and false hope.  How can one believe in any universal order of things when one learns that what they were believing in was just smoke in the air.

This is a new low for me.  I think I have been lying to myself about life and God and any idea that there is a semblance of normalized rational.  We tried to have our own family and have none.  I am 53 and want a family.  Not looking good.  My fault we didnt get there and now she has moved on.  Torn believing I did right and yet it was wrong.

It hurts and this sucks.  I am supposed to be getting better - not worse.  Maybe I just fear dying alone and this is just a step along the way and everything else in between is just a lie designed to get us from birth to death with the hope that there is a logical reason for getting up to go to work everyday - why aren't drugs legal?  It would be easier and perhaps quicker.  Anyone else have this fear of a lonely death?  Is that why we miss our BPD ex's?  Do dogs make good substitutes?

[Mutt]

Joe,

I can see how hard this is with the reality of the divorce approaching. Life doesn't end because you're divorced. I see it as having learned from my mistakes and building a better and healthier foundation in the next. I'm wiser from the experience and know more about relationships now than in my first marriage.

Also, I didn't get married to get divorced. My ex wife is a person that can choose to decide if she wants to be with someone else or choose to not be married to me. You may be able to have a friendship at some point later but we are compatible with many people, there are other women out that are compatible with you Joe.

[Joem678]

Hey Joe,

Hang in there.  Even though I'm healing and progressing, I know the step you are headed towards is my worst fear. 

Hugs to you Joe.

[Herodias]

I feel the same way exactly! There are so many more woman than men and I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life! I'm sick over it! I gave in and contacted him this morning... .I know I am having really hard time with the holiday and what happened last year... .He e-mailed me a month ago and told me he was having his lawyer file papers, implying he was under duress when he agreed to pay me alimony. That I would get papers within 30 days... .I was angry and wanted to lash out at him. I sent him this e-mail attached to his from a month ago "Just so you know, I never received any paperwork. I don't appreciate your making claims, false or otherwise against me and then asking me to talk with you. If you are going to act that way, there is nothing to talk about." He wrote back this... ."There are no claims, I'm trying to be as civil as possible and not embarrass you at work when you are served. If you would like to since your apartment is secured I can ask if your served somewhere else or pick it up. The legal separation is in legal contract, divorce is easy from here. Nothing really to negotiate. Let me know what is best for you, I hope your well and honestly wish you the best."... .I wrote,"Are you talking about serving papers for the divorce?" He said "yes" and I said "Maybe it's best if you have your attorney send the papers to my attorney." Knowing he probably doesn't have an attorney, but want to be sure... .He said "Let it go. Your attorney can't be served, it must be placed in your hands once filed." Now, I see I probably called him out a couple times here and made him mad. Could you guys analyze this for me please... .For some reason I thought he was going to try and not get divorced in the end and I would have to force it. It is not Jan. 17 and he can't even file yet anyway... .what was he trying to accomplish here? I can tell I upset him in the end because he does t have a lawyer and he's acting like he's wanting "the best" for me to look like a good guy. I'm sure he and his gf will marry quickly... .I'm so sad- I had hoped he'd at least try and not get divorced-

[Beacher]

So sorry you are going through this. I try to hold on to the memories of why I married my husband but the reality is he is who he is and I have no power to change him. Also going through the attorney and legal threats. Their emotions just take over everything that comes out of their mouths .i believe their words and actions are all fear based. Try not to project on the future but stay in today only. We all fear dying alone I guess but the reality is we have friends and loved ones to reach out to and our BPD partners are not responsible for our happiness, only you have that power. Keep posting and reaching out. We are all in this boat together!

[True Grenadine]

Thinking of you Joe, live each day one day at a time and make each day's decisions by what is on the plate in front of you and don't try to think what else you could have added to the plate.

So you know, I was married for 15 years prior to meeting my GF who is struggling with undiagnosed BPD... .My marriage ended due to cancer and not divorce... .Life happens, cherish what you have each day and no worries about tomorrow... .

Peace and Love... .

TG