I was the replacement

[hopealways]

Looking back after 4.5 months of NC it is clear that I was her replacement as she began the discard phase with her fiance.

This story will give you all insight on how they operate & seduce:

I met my BPDx 4 years ago at a birthday party.  She was engaged, living with her fiance whom she had recycled numerous times. He was no saint: a narcissist, cocaine abuser.   He was her provider. She had dated him for 7 years with a 1 year breakup in between and many shorter breakups.

She engaged me the entire night.  We never exchanged numbers but 1 day later she started liking my photos on Facebook, then added me.  I then messaged her, we flirted, I asked when I could meet her, she replied "when would you like to meet me?" We met the next night at a posh restaurant in Malibu. I didn't care much as I was dating 4 other girls that night.  My ego was at its highest.  At dinner I pulled her in and kissed her.  The affair had begun.

We would meet in secret as she lied to her fiance about where she was. Cafes, hotels, my home.  The sex was like none other and I could not understand why.  We told each other we loved each other at the same moment.

She was obviously into luxury things, and I am a generous man. But something told me not to spend any money on her.  And this made her want me more.  But when her birthday came around 5 months into the relationship, I had to buy her a nice present. I believe this is when the idealization phase ended - the chase stopped for her. She loved the present, but the mask now came off. I was successfully seduced and she started to devalue me. She felt engulfed.

The deeper we both fell for each other, the more she pushed me away.  I wanted her to leave him for me. She kept stalling, delaying. One night her sister told her to make her decision wisely-I later realized its because her sister knew that this is just how she operated: jumping instead of loving.

She left him for me after 1 year and that is when my real nightmare began.

I was his replacement.  She had devalued him while we were dating. She even told me she had no "desire" for him anymore. They stopped having sex (this was even confirmed by a mutual friend).  She did all these same things with me.  This is just how they operate.

Looking back I realize that the BPD behavior doesn't change. That's the nature of the disorder. I felt special because she left him for me.  But I was just another replacement in her life.  

I knew she never forgot her ex. They never forget, not the ones that matter.  But he was of no value to her anymore. He had no money, his life had spiraled out of control, his drug addiction was too high to have a normal relationship. So he was just not needed, hence she had no reason to go back.

I am similarly not needed currently.

[C.Stein]

Honestly man, considering how your relationship started and continued for 1 year, are you really surprised at what happened?  Granted it doesn't make the pain any less but you had to have known what you were getting into and what would probably happen eventually.  If you look at it objectively you will see there was nothing healthy about this from day one.

[hopealways]

Honestly man, considering how your relationship started and continued for 1 year, are you really surprised at what happened?  Granted it doesn't make the pain any less but you had to have known what you were getting into and what would probably happen eventually.  If you look at it objectively you will see there was nothing healthy about this from day one.

Not surprised one bit.  Nothing was ever healthy about what we had, certainly not the first year, and it just got worse.  But when you are in a fantasy world, you believe the unbelievable.

[C.Stein]

Not surprised one bit.  Nothing was ever healthy about what we had, certainly not the first year, and it just got worse.  But when you are in a fantasy world, you believe the unbelievable.

I've been there ... .with a much different outcome.  That had been the most painful loss in my life up until now ... .at least that I can remember.  It's all very fuzzy now.

[Turkish]

So are you at the point of realizing that love was actually need?

[LostGhost]

Thank you for posting. I think maybe this set off some ideas in my mind about what was going on. Maybe by doing so much and buying many gifts, cooking, cleaning, showering her with affection, it repulsed her because there was no challenge. It makes me feel I should have done far less and been more aloof and distant. I think I see partially why our sex life died. Despite all the excuses, it was just a complete lack of desire on her part.

I also feel I understand why she's made no attempt to come back or even shown any interest. I have nothing left to offer. No money, no security, no value. I had to move in with my parents because I went that broke living with her.

[hopealways]

LostGhost, I think an emotionally healthy woman would not see your kind gestures as triggering engulfment but rather appreciate them.

But regardless of what you do, one cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.  A BPD relationship will always end, some sooner than others. Why? Because they have BPD. The same destruction.  Don't blame yourself for your kind acts.  Just accept responsibility for choosing to stay way longer than you should have.  We could have all left sooner but chose not to because the highs felt just so amazing.

[apollotech]

hopealways,

Everyone in their life that they have been intimately involved with emotionally is a replacement. They are on a life quest to find that one perfect person to bond with to complete themselves. It's a quest to recoup that first lost identity.


LostGhost,

Maybe by doing so much and buying many gifts, cooking, cleaning, showering her with affection, it repulsed her because there was no challenge. It makes me feel I should have done far less and been more aloof and distant.

Just some thoughts: She probably became distant due to engulfment rather than the loss of a challenge. I agree, more aloofness on your behalf might have triggered abandonment in her and brought her in closer. I don't believe the behavior(s) of a pwBPD are "challenge" oriented/controlled.

[LostGhost]

I do remember sitting in the house one day saying to myself "This is awful, I can't go on like this, maybe I should just leave? There has to be better than this?" About three months later she finally pulled the plug anyways.

But now I'm single and looking back, yeah it was terrible... .but I had a beautiful, warm, sexy woman to cuddle every night.

Part of me remembers what it was like and knows it was awful. But the other part of me sees my present circumstances and says this sucks too.

Lose/Lose. Sure I'm working on myself and growing and learning but right now, it feels like a bunch of metaphysical voodoo. Until I see results from my efforts, I feel dejected and hopeless.

I want to feel happy again, without the need for a pwBPD in my life.

[LostGhost]

hopealways,

Everyone in their life that they have been intimately involved with emotionally is a replacement. They are on a life quest to find that one perfect person to bond with to complete themselves. It's a quest to recoup that first lost identity.


LostGhost,

Maybe by doing so much and buying many gifts, cooking, cleaning, showering her with affection, it repulsed her because there was no challenge. It makes me feel I should have done far less and been more aloof and distant.

Just some thoughts: She probably became distant due to engulfment rather than the loss of a challenge. I agree, more aloofness on your behalf might have triggered abandonment in her and brought her in closer. I don't believe the behavior(s) of a pwBPD are "challenge" oriented/controlled.

Thanks Apollo, that's good advice going forward.

[apollotech]

LostGhost,

It wasn't about you or what you did or didn't do. Don't take the "what if" scenario upon yourself. It was about her mental disorder. That is what dictated her behavior. A normal, healthy woman would have been all over you for doing all of those things. The challenge would have been to keep her off... .!

[beatrixkiddo]

Consider that short lived "replacement" a gift. It may not seem like it now. But it is far better than losing 10 viable years of your life trapped... .which is exactly what happens if you are aloof instead of overly engaged... .It is all rooted in attachment theory... .interesting read if you ever have time for such research... .I digress. I wasn't ready for a new relationship. I was still in mourning over a loss. So I couldn't match the "connection" he seemed entitled to. That launched a relentless pursuit. I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time. I completely understand all of it now. I can track it so clearly. My being aloof triggered his manipulation artillery, which is honestly pretty effective on many people, as most of us want to be good sympathetic human beings.  Looking back now... .I know my aloofness caused him to isolate and trap me. While you may be sad now... .Know that you dodged a bullet that could have derailed your entire life plan. And rebuilding is much harder the longer you are in it.

[lovenature]

Every new partner is a replacement for a pwBPD. My uBPDexgf told me about a "friend" of hers that I had to be ok with her continuing to spend time with while our relationship progressed; I was the replacement but she wanted to keep this other guy available for when things inevitably went bad in our relationship.

She lied/gas lighted, and continually questioned my faithfulness ,  the cycle will continue-the only way to win is not to play!

[JaneStorm]

Every new partner is a replacement for a pwBPD. My uBPDexgf told me about a "friend" of hers that I had to be ok with her continuing to spend time with while our relationship progressed; I was the replacement but she wanted to keep this other guy available for when things inevitably went bad in our relationship.

She lied/gas lighted, and continually questioned my faithfulness ,  the cycle will continue-the only way to win is not to play!

Yes! I remember telling him early on that he was gaslighting me. I had always known. I agree; we are all replacements.

[SummerStorm]

Here is a very short summary of why my former friend BPD, who was ready to leave her boyfriend for me, decided to stay with him:

I made her cards.  I sent her links to songs that reminded me of us.  I would go shopping by myself, stop somewhere for lunch, take a picture of the chair across from me, and send it to her, with a caption that read, "I wish you were sitting there."  I told her she was precious to me.  I would gently caress her face while she was sleeping.  I would look into her eyes when I spoke to her.  I wanted to hold her hand during sex.  I wrote her romantic e-mails.  When she decided she wanted to live with me, I took her to look at a house, and I stood in the kitchen, looked out the window and said, "Look.  We can have a vegetable garden out there."  I did all of the things that every woman I've met, straight or gay, including myself, would want.   

Now, I'm not saying that he isn't a nice guy (I've texted him a lot, and he's very kind, helpful, and polite), but he also already had her and wasn't trying to woo her.  Also, his idea of showing he cared was buying her a Pokemon game.  Perfectly fine, as she loves Pokemon, but not romantic.   

[Learning Fast]

SS,

You are so, so right.  My ex would repeatedly say "Why are you so nice to me?" It's like she couldn't process why someone would care for her that much.  Personalized phone case for Vday, bought her a custom relief map of the lake where she summers, left several note cards with hotel employees that she had to find in the right sequence to find me for a special evening together, knew which artists she likes and bought her gifts accordingly, etc.

After spending over a year on this site I've found that the vast majority of us put other's needs and interests before our own.  For pwBPD the thought that someone could love and care for them so much (when they can't stand themselves) triggers the thought process of "If this person can love someone as unlovable as me there must be something wrong with them".  Hence the devaluation, distance and discard as they come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with us.  Go figure.

[C.Stein]

You are so, so right.  My ex would repeatedly say "Why are you so nice to me?" It's like she couldn't process why someone would care for her that much. 

My ex asked me the same question.  She also asked my why I loved her so much.

[Learning Fast]

Forgot to add that my replacement is a LDR narcissist who's only interest on FB is "women".  Ugh---but perhaps it may last for awhile as he'll treat her like she feels she should be treated---poorly.

[SummerStorm]

LF,

I once jokingly asked my pwBPD why I put up with her, and she replied, "I have no f______g clue." 

I once bought her a magnet with her Harry Potter Hogwarts house design on it, to match the one I had for mine, and she acted like she had no idea why I would possibly buy her that. 

And I guarantee that none of her other exes remember that her favorite book is Alice in Wonderland, that she likes Kafka, that her favorite Shakespeare play is Julius Caesar, and that one of her favorite movies is The Phantom of the Opera.

I think she keeps recycling me because she craves the attention I give her but also can't handle the attention I give her. 


C.Stein,

The first time we had sex, mine asked me why I love her so much.  I told her she's beautiful and intelligent.  She broke down and started sobbing.  It was one of the few moments when I saw the real her and the thoughts that torment her.

[C.Stein]

The first time we had sex, mine asked me why I love her so much.  I told her she's beautiful and intelligent.  She broke down and started sobbing.  It was one of the few moments when I saw the real her and the thoughts that torment her.

I think my ex was looking for validation.  She wanted to know what I loved about her.  I think she needed it to feel good about herself ... .worthy?

[LostGhost]

Sounds familiar. After sex mine would say, "Why do you love me? Tell me all the reasons".

When we actually had sex that is. Disappeared quickly almost as soon as devaluation started. Nothing was ever good enough after that.

[Learning Fast]

"I think she keeps recycling me because she craves the attention I give her but also can't handle the attention I give her."

Spot on, SS.  Back to one of the basic tenets of BPD---what they want so desperately is something they can't handle once obtained.

Sample size of one--we traveled to LA for a weekend earlier this year.  We spent some time at the pool and she simply couldn't believe that I would actually get out of the pool to get her a towel.

One time when we were having sex I intimated that it was the closest that we had ever been.  She immediately froze on the spot and appeared to be terrified.  I'll never forget the look on her face during that moment.  Surreal.

LF

[SummerStorm]

"I think she keeps recycling me because she craves the attention I give her but also can't handle the attention I give her."

Spot on, SS.  Back to one of the basic tenets of BPD---what they want so desperately is something they can't handle once obtained.

Sample size of one--we traveled to LA for a weekend earlier this year.  We spent some time at the pool and she simply couldn't believe that I would actually get out of the pool to get her a towel.

One time when we were having sex I intimated that it was the closest that we had ever been.  She immediately froze on the spot and appeared to be terrified.  I'll never forget the look on her face during that moment.  Surreal.

LF

Last week, when she contacted me again, I told her that one of my students wore Pikachu socks to school.  She loves Pokemon, so her reply was, "I'm jealous."  I replied, "I would totally buy you a pair, you know."  She replied, "That's nice of you."  It was like she couldn't believe that someone would offer to buy her something that she might want. 

She once told me that I made her uncomfortable because of the way I looked at her.  She literally did not want me to look at her the way I did, with total love and admiration. 

[Learning Fast]

SS,

It is so interesting that you mention the "look at her" reaction.  Mine was similar in that she would look away if our eyes connected for too long.  Was also very uncomfortable accepting any type of compliment---it was as though she didn't feel worthy of that type of affection---she many times did not know how to respond and I can't think of one time where she actually said "thank you".  The whole thing was so completely different that anything that I've experienced and I'm in my mid 50's.

LF

[JaneStorm]

SS,

It is so interesting that you mention the "look at her" reaction.  Mine was similar in that she would look away if our eyes connected for too long.  Was also very uncomfortable accepting any type of compliment---it was as though she didn't feel worthy of that type of affection---she many times did not know how to respond and I can't think of one time where she actually said "thank you".  The whole thing was so completely different that anything that I've experienced and I'm in my mid 50's.

LF

Yes. I was dealing with a 50+ year old man. I raised my sons to be upright and make eye contact.  All of his body language made me uncomfortable. ... .how he walked, talked in a mumble, shuffled his feet, tilted his head with only one eye looking when he did look, kissing me out of the side of his mouth sometimes, always looking out the passenger window and talking to it when I drove... .NEVER discount body language.