Speaking with his/her past exes?

[burritoman]

Have any of you ever had the opportunity to speak with any of your exBPD's past partners about their experience with him/her? I bring this up because one thing that has actually been helpful to me in the healing process is occasionally glancing at my ex's ex-fiance's FB, who has since gotten married. I realized that hey, there is life after her. He looks happy, he has a life and a woman who loves him. This guy was I believe 2 guys before me. And of course I knew all about him because she brought him up ad nauseam. She also hates his soul for reasons of infidelity and others, but of course I'm only hearing one side of the story.

I could never do it, but a part of me wants to reach out to him and say hey, I've just gotten out of a relationship with her. What can you tell me about the time you spent together? I can almost guarantee I'll hear a similar pattern to mine. I've also glanced at the man before me's page, but this guy had his own problems... .

It's strange, but now I almost feel a sense of solidarity with these men, that we've been through it and come out the other side, though I'm not quite there yet. The one thing that I didn't do that they did is chase after her full throttle, buying her gifts or texting her desperately. As most of us have probably done, I used to be that ex. It's kind of a proud moment when you realize that you've matured to the point where you can separate yourself easier without coming off as desperate. I've never chased her, and I never will.

So, just a thought, have any of you had that experience of speaking with one of their exes? Depending on the circumstances of your relationship and breakup, I feel like it could be therapeutic.

[enlighten me]

I have thought about it. There was one ex of hers that like me left her and she says she doesn't know why. My thoughts are that like me he had enough and had to cut the ties. He really got to her and she would talk about him a lot.

Ive also thought about talking to her ex husband about her. I think I wouldn't be received too well as I don't think he even knew that she was planning to leave him even though she told me they were over and he was just waiting to find a place to live. I'd still like to talk to him as his daughter is difficult and shows a lot of BPD traits already. It might answer a lot of questions for the both of us but I think its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

[Should I stay or...]

I have stayed in contact with her brother-in-law... .he has told me tales of woe from the graves of others she left behind... .

[Michelle27]

I spoke with his first wife a few months after separating.  I learned that everything he told me about her (she was abusive, etc.) was a lie.  I also learned that she believes that he can't tell the truth to save his life.  She last 3.5 years, I lasted 15.  It was a good thing to talk with her but very difficult to find out that I believed his lies for so long.  Yet it was also very validating.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, I texted one of her exes, and it's pretty eerie how similar our stories matched up.  She became friends with me right around the time she started dating him.  So, we were idealized at the same time, devalued at the same time, and were discarded 7 weeks apart. 

I also looked at another ex's Facebook page, from the time when they were dating.  He referred to her as "the best girlfriend" and said she treated him "like a king."  He commented on her pictures and said how beautiful she was.  But then, he posted something that annoyed her.  And not long after that, he posted something that really annoyed her.  She changed her profile pic (what she does when she's mad at her current partner).  He broke up with her a day or so later, apparently because he realized he wasn't ready for a relationship yet.  The great thing is that he started dating another girl about two months later.  Now, he's been dating someone else for over six months and recently moved in with her. 

[blackbirdsong]

Very interesting topic.

Something that I was considering several times, even before I saw this topic.

I know 3 her ex boyfriends. I didn't met any of them. I just know who they are.

1. Her first boyfriend and I have a mutual friend.

2. One guy is still texting her. Saying how he wants to be with her. She told me that she even doesn't read these messages. But we still argued about this. She cried and said that he doesn't mean anything to her. I really don't know what to believe right now.

3. The other guy is the one she devaluated a lot. I thought he is a really bad person. I still didn't met him, but I don't thinks so anymore. She said that they argued a lot and she left him. Go figure.

The third one is actually a person I am considering to contact. I think we have similar stories. But it is really strange to do this. I don't know how to approach. This is crazy situation, guys... .  It is not something you would normally do, with nonBPD ex partner.

Do you have any advice? I still have some worries/fears from her, I was planning to contact him to address those issues and see how she reacted in his case... .

[JSF13]

My ex was married before me for 7 yrs. She told me how awful he was to her. That he didn't care about her and had a god complex and all these things. She painted him to be a horrific guy. According to her though it's always the same story. They all are horrible people who did her wrong (cheated, abused, lied, etc.) She also says the same things about me and all of those statements couldn't be further from the truth so my guess is the other guys before me were not what she said. I have considered reaching out to her ex husband but I have decided no good will come of it. I'm sure he is hurting the same as I am and I wouldn't want those wounds reopened.

[antelope]

They all are horrible people who did her wrong (cheated, abused, lied, etc.) She also says the same things about me and all of those statements couldn't be further from the truth so my guess is the other guys before me were not what she said.

one of the hardest, yet most significant things I did in the aftermath was change the pronouns of so many of our conversations... .in other words, everything she had said about her ex-bfs and friends were almost always comments she reversed about herself

projection and denial are such deeply rooted defense/coping mechanisms for them, and this is one of the ways it manifests

[butterfly15]

I have wanted to. He dated someone previous to me for three years. He told me that she kicked him out in the end. That she had a boyfriend and he had to leave. He told me the relationship had ended a while back but he continued to live w her.

I really want to reach out to her. I feel that we were similar in now we cared for him. He says she was such a nasty person. I see her on social media and all her friends. It's doesn't appear that way. Although I was the same nasty person when he decided to discard me. It's been a month and nothing. My T told me not to contact her. I really think the stories would be similar though. They were 3 years. We were 2. I think it came down to him needing places to live as he was in a bad spot financially with both of these relationships for many reasons. We loved him anyways. He painted such a better future. Sadly I know now whether I contact her or not that he will never change and I most likely will never have rhr validation or closure I am looking for.

[hopealways]

She left her ex for me.  I envied him for having moved on from her as he did not have to take her abuse anymore.  He never tried to get her back this last time, even though I knew he had during their many breakups of 7 years.  I think it was because he knew he was unable to financially support her anymore (he went broke) and he knew that she wouldn't have use for him anymore. Quite sad.

But yes I wish I could spend an hour talking with him to 1) apologize that I was the replacement even though he wasn't a really nice guy according to everyone who knew him and 2) share stories.

Nonetheless from the stories she told me, I know her experience with him was the same as mine, the same as all of you: Idealize, devalue, discard. Idealize, devalue, discard. Idealize, devalue, discard. It's a movie in a loop. That's what BPD is. It is a very serious disorder, let's not forget that.

[hashtag_loyal]

I have considered reaching out to her ex husband but I have decided no good will come of it. I'm sure he is hurting the same as I am and I wouldn't want those wounds reopened.

This is outstanding advice. We all know that their experiences were exactly like our own. There's no need to pull these poor souls back into this mess just to be "really sure."

[thisworld]

I think this is some urge for validation of our hurtful experiences but I would never act on it. For a variety of reasons.

1. The ex is an ex. He is not "my" borderline whose illness I can sympathise with and be hurt by n very intimate terms. He is just another individual. Whatever my feelings and his feelings, I wouldn't like him to contact my exes he never met and talk about me. I would think this was a violation of me in some way - ı'm not sure what exactly- and I think he can rightfully feel like that, too. If confronted, I feel I would have to apologize. 

2. I don't trust my ex's exes not matter how they present themselves on social media. They can be as ill and presenting a facade. I could find myself in a web of problems.

3. If someone from his past/present contacted me, I would not reply. I don't want to get involved in anything. I'm  already uncomfortable that he might start a smear campaign and I don't want to infuriate him by talking about him to people from his circle.

4. I sometimes want to warn his future/potential girlfriends, but I think this is ego-based rather than a real need to warn people. It will serve my ego. Basically, it will boil down to saying "I couldn't do it, you cannot do it." But maybe they will, depending on their own co-dependency.

I think the need for validation is very normal and healthy but I think I should do it through other channels. Being here and learning about others' experiences is validating, my talk with my T is validating. She says he would never change. An ex would not give me more validation than these channels.

Sometimes a partner we have problems with is able to behave differently in a relationship and present very happy. It's heartbreaking. Experts say these people will not change, but maybe somebody may be happy with them for a longer time. I cannot know other people's boundaries. I need to work on my acceptance of myself in regard to things that I don't want to tolerate as an individual and be comfortable with them. Deep down, it may not even be about the borderline but about my fantasy about that other person. "What is that they have and I don't so that they can be happy together and I was unable to build this?" But do I know that other person? Do I really want to be that other person who probably have things that I would like and also not like. I have to accept myself no matter what.

My T says I'm getting healthier and healthier and that is the reason why I don't serve his ego anymore and cannot live with him. I'll probably be discarded totally and won't be a fallback girl like the others (and deep down, this is heartbreaking no matter how unhealthy it is). I have to learn to take this as a compliment:))