Anyone know how their futures are?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Has anyone found out how things go with their Ex partners and their new r/s's?  I'm curious if they do the same type of things with the next person. They say "the more people change the more they stay the same." I wonder if those who have children especially would possibly know,... Thanks for your input.

[Herodias]

Has anyone found out how things go with their Ex partners and their new r/s's?  I'm curious if they do the same type of things with the next person. They say "the more people change the more they stay the same." I wonder if those who have children especially would possibly know,... Thanks for your input.

[JayApril]

My ex BPD has a child with me and one one the way with his new victim oh excuse me gf. But, the same behavior follows. A leopard doesn't change its spots, they just get a little better at hunting. Honestly, that new victim is getting everything if not more that you received during your relationship too depending on the new victims naive personality. I find myself praying a lot for his gf, because she has a kid from a previous relationship so I can only imagine how she is fairing.

Sometimes they can even be obsessive. My ex didn't date anyone from my ethnicity but, his current gf is from the same race with a kid, (he left me with our son)... .She has my same last name, and her daughter has my middle name. She has a lot of the same personality  traits and physical attributes as I do. They can be weird. If you can imagine how freaky that was on social media.

[C.Stein]

Has anyone found out how things go with their Ex partners and their new r/s's?  I'm curious if they do the same type of things with the next person. They say "the more people change the more they stay the same." I wonder if those who have children especially would possibly know,... Thanks for your input.

I don't want to know.  Assuming my ex is in a new relationship I would not be at all surprised to find out she has pushed this guy into asking her to marry him. 

[burritoman]

I don't want to know.  Assuming my ex is in a new relationship I would not be at all surprised to find out she has pushed this guy into asking her to marry him. 

Same. My ex pressured me very hard for marriage, using the excuses of me being "the one" and battling her internal clock of approaching 30. She always said she wanted to be married with kids by 32, so now that I'm gone I can only imagine her  pressures with new guys will be even harder.

[shatra]

Jayapril wrote---

Ex's new gf  has my same last name, and her daughter has my middle name. She has a lot of the same personality  traits and physical attributes as I do.

----I have heard of this---the replacement looks similar to the ex.  Do u think you are both "his type" (re: looks), or was he subconsciously trying to "replace" you with a new person who looks like a substitute replacement (so that he wouldn't have to feel the loss as strongly)?

[C.Stein]

I don't want to know.  Assuming my ex is in a new relationship I would not be at all surprised to find out she has pushed this guy into asking her to marry him. 

Same. My ex pressured me very hard for marriage, using the excuses of me being "the one" and battling her internal clock of approaching 30. She always said she wanted to be married with kids by 32, so now that I'm gone I can only imagine her  pressures with new guys will be even harder.

My ex is 36 and her clock is deafening her, which also leads to poor decisions.

[JayApril]

Jayapril wrote---

Ex's new gf  has my same last name, and her daughter has my middle name. She has a lot of the same personality  traits and physical attributes as I do.

----I have heard of this---the replacement looks similar to the ex.  Do u think you are both "his type" (re: looks), or was he subconsciously trying to "replace" you with a new person who looks like a substitute replacement (so that he wouldn't have to feel the loss as strongly)?

No his type is white woman, and I am far from that, so is the replacement. I think he was subconsciously replacing me.

[SummerStorm]

Her most recent boyfriend was (is?) basically a mixture between me and the guy she dated for half of 2015.  He saved her life, I was her best friend, and we both visited her in the psych ward.  She hasn't contacted him again, but she's recycled with me twice. 

I'm not entirely sure where that relationship stands.  The day after Thanksgiving, she changed her profile pic back to just one of her (her standard procedure when getting ready to leave a relationship) in the morning, added a new one in the afternoon, got back on Tinder, and then texted me.  I'm assuming she searched for me on there, to see if I'm still single.  Her profile description was clearly targeted toward finding a woman, not a man.  And as there aren't that many single lesbian/bisexual women in our area, she would have found me pretty quickly.  She was on there again later that day, but after that first day, she didn't go on again.  So, she texted me for a few days, said all the right things, and then got mad at something I said and blocked me again.  A few hours later, my friend checked her Facebook profile, and it says she's in a relationship with the guy from before. 

This is definitely her standard procedure.  I didn't look in July, but she changed her profile picture back then, probably so she could put it on Tinder.  When she broke up with the guy she was dating, she was back on Tinder the next day.  She also texted me that same day.  His replacement came a few weeks later, and she discarded me when she started idealizing him.  There was no break at all between him and the next guy, so I'm pretty sure that she had already been talking to him for a while.  I did see her on Tinder again in early October, which is right around the time I first saw her post something about him on Facebook. 

As long as she keeps using Tinder and sees that I'm single, I'm sure she'll keep contacting me.  I would imagine that's why she contacted me in August. 

In terms of her personal life, she can barely afford to pay her rent and electricity bill, can't afford to buy a microwave, and refers to herself as "poor." 

[shatra]

Summer wrote

He saved her life, I was her best friend, and we both visited her in the psych ward.  She hasn't contacted him again, but she's recycled with me twice. 

  ----than later you wrote she is "back with the guy from before"---do you mean the same ex?  I feel confused

----So she is kind of looking for a new one on Tinder, but receycled twice with you, and with the ex?

----What is it that makes them return to the ex instead of a new person? Is it the "safety" of someone who once accepted them?  Or is it the push-pull (push them away and then pull them back) which they wouldn't have with a new person?

[SummerStorm]

Summer wrote

He saved her life, I was her best friend, and we both visited her in the psych ward.  She hasn't contacted him again, but she's recycled with me twice. 

  ----than later you wrote she is "back with the guy from before"---do you mean the same ex?  I feel confused

----So she is kind of looking for a new one on Tinder, but receycled twice with you, and with the ex?

----What is it that makes them return to the ex instead of a new person? Is it the "safety" of someone who once accepted them?  Or is it the push-pull (push them away and then pull them back) which they wouldn't have with a new person?

She is back with the most recent guy, according to my friend.  I'm still wondering if this isn't really the case and she's just sort of keeping him around until she finds someone else.  She recycled our friendship twice, but we had an affair back in April/May, and I was set up to be a replacement, so even though she told me in June that we would never be together, I wouldn't rule out her trying to see if she could make it work with me.  She hasn't contacted the guy who saved her life since September.  The last contact she had with him was when he found out she robbed him and called her to ask her about it.  She hung up right away, and he tried calling back about 30 times, but she never answered.  She has us both blocked on everything right now.  Six months ago, we were the only two people, other than her parents, who visited her in the psych ward.  Now, we're both blocked. 

I think it's partly safety and familiarity.  With her, she knows I've seen her at her worst and still accept her. 

In my own personal situation, I think she still feels like there is a big question mark because we were never actually a couple.  I now have the house and the adopted kittens she said she wanted with me, and I think part of her hates that I'm still living our dream.  I've said some things that I regret, but other than that, I've been nothing but kind to her.  She's still searching for her fairy tale ending, and I think she still wonders if she could have it with me. 

[C.Stein]

She's still searching for her fairy tale ending, and I think she still wonders if she could have it with me.  

My ex is also searching for that fairy tale ending ... at one point she thought she could get it with me ... and to be honest, I thought we could get it too.  Thing is the fairy tale is just an illusion.  She wants to win the marathon without running the race.  Even if she does get the family she wants one day she will find it is anything but the fairy tale she thinks it will be.

[Learning Fast]

My ex has been involved with my replacement since early July (we parted in late June).  The only similarity would be that we are both older that she is by about 10 yrs.  Otherwise it was a relationship that was initiated because need and want intersected with opportunity and availability.  There aren't too many similarities between us.

She has been very clandestine about the relationship and still refers to him as her "friend" (although I know irrefutably that it is much more than that).  Both are still "Single"on FB (you would think she would have minimally graduated to "in an open relationship" with him after 5 mos) and she has yet to accept his FB friend invitation.  Additionally, it is a LDR and they are both firmly anchored in the areas in which they live---nobody is moving anywhere.

The bottom line is that she is seemingly trying to keep the relationship off the radar screen as she probably knows it is short-lived on many levels.  She'll be off as quickly as a prom dress when she finds someone locally.

[C.Stein]

Otherwise it was a relationship that was initiated because need and want intersected with opportunity and availability.

Yes.  I believe my replacement was the first person who showed an interest in her and gave her the validation she needed.

[Herodias]

"Yes.  I believe my replacement was the first person who showed an interest in her and gave her the validation she needed."

Same here! We are not at all alike... .I am older than him, she is younger. I have a little money and my own business... she works at the same store he does but makes allot less money. She is from the south and I am from the North (like him). She has red hair, I am blonde. She posts everything to FB- I am cautious. I don't do what ever he says... .apparently she does. We went out to dinner allot to nice restaurants and movies. She cooks at home and watches TV. She likes fishing, I like photography... .She wants kids... .I did not (as he said he did not- and told his mother that as well a long time ago) We both have blue eyes. That's about it. Nothing at all the same!  He said he can manipulate her and he can manipulate me... .Not anymore! She was willing and ready to leave her husband for him and boosts his ego. I went through too much to keep that up at the end.

[Learning Fast]

C. Stein,

Exactly.  The first guy to show any interest or validation would suffice.  It only took ten days and she connected with my replacement.  Not a good fit---LDR, a narcissist and a womanizer to boot.  In her mind it was anything to fill the vast  emotional void once we parted.

LF

[antelope]

"Yes.  I believe my replacement was the first person who showed an interest in her and gave her the validation she needed."

Same here! We are not at all alike... .I am older than him, she is younger. I have a little money and my own business... she works at the same store he does but makes allot less money. She is from the south and I am from the North (like him). She has red hair, I am blonde. She posts everything to FB- I am cautious. I don't do what ever he says... .apparently she does. We went out to dinner allot to nice restaurants and movies. She cooks at home and watches TV. She likes fishing, I like photography... .She wants kids... .I did not (as he said he did not- and told his mother that as well a long time ago) We both have blue eyes. That's about it. Nothing at all the same!  He said he can manipulate her and he can manipulate me... .Not anymore! She was willing and ready to leave her husband for him and boosts his ego. I went through too much to keep that up at the end.

actually, that's the irony of all of this: we are all the same... .the plot and the characters may be different, but the themes are identical

we nons all carry varying degrees of poor self-esteem, weak boundaries, some naivete in romance, and we are unknowingly accustomed to this dysfunctional emotional behavior from others (this is where the family-of-origin stuff ties in)

we are all the same because we saw what we wanted to see, and we ignored many red flags in the process, all while launching head first into these relationships that were rife with dysfunction... .

sure, some of us like rock, others like jazz; some like baseball, some hate sports, etc  these are insignificant details, considering the breadth of our involvement with pretty much the same type of person

their futures are simply re-enactments of their pasts in so many ways, including finding willing participants in their manipulations and games... .its their modus operandi

change nothing, and nothing changes... .

[lipstick]

Hi Herodias,

I hear things about the ex from time to time. We have a mutual friend and this person knows what happened between the ex and I. The friend has always felt badly about how I was treated and so he likes to tell me when things "derail" for the ex.

How is his future? Well - since 2012 he's had seven full-time jobs (and one part-time gig to pay for some home repairs). In 2012 he was a hotshot chef at one of the most prestigious restaurants in his town. Got fired from that position as they were tired of his erratic behavior and chronic tardiness. The employees would often be waiting outside the building for the ex to arrive and let them in!  Each of the positions / jobs that followed were all a continual step down for him and he's been fired from every one of them. And the length of employment at each gets shorter and shorter. Now the latest? He's working as a line cook at a retirement village. Which I'm sure doesn't pay much. So he will now struggle financially. He's 52 years old. Has a plethora of health problems. Should not be on his feet for long durations (neuropathy). And has gone from being a talented chef with a comfortable income, to a line cook at a retirement home.  And I'm sure he'll find a way to lose that job as well. Sad.

[butterfly15]

I do wonder this myself. However, I will never find out. He lives out of town and we have no mutual friends. Nor does he discuss his personal relationships with work colleagues. I do know some of them but they wouldn't know. He doesn't post on social media and has very few friends. I had never met any of his family (yes we dated for 2 years!) So I would never have an opportunity to hear anything. I guess that should make it easier?

[Pretty Woman]

I haven't seen my ex at all in 7mo but I have seen a picture and she is dysregulating. I could always tell when that was happening, especially in pictures. Looking back it was almost always before she'd manufacture a fight and dump me.

She is ill. Ill and does not take any responsibility for her actions. That will never change.

If anything I am angry I wasted four years on this person. For a long time I was sad and wishing she would come back. I could never ever take her back. There just isn't any interest in being treated poorly anymore.  I contributed to the cycle. I allowed this person to treat me badly. It took two. I take full responsibility for my participation in the dysfunction which I blame on my relationship immaturity and own family history.

Sometimes it is hard reading these boards because I can see who is just like I was then. I can tell who wants their ex back to try to fix things.  It's frustrating but I get it. There are times when they are lucid. When they are loving and we see all this "good". Thing is this: their true selves is the nasty side... .the side that threatens restraining orders. The side that slanders you to everyone you know after telling you that you are "the love of my life".

It's not normal. Time away from her has helped me to see that.  It has also given me "radar" to see others that are similar. I stay clear.

I know it hurts but you have nothing to be envious with the ex.  The sooner you can get better and over them (and the obsessing over the ex's new victim) the better. Trust me. There are better things out there. This is a BIG world.

PW

[Michelle27]

My ex is repeating the pattern he did with me (and probably relationships before me). When we met, I was insecure, damaged (from my first marriage which was physically abusive) and a single parent.  I was also about 140 lbs heavier than I am now.  He and I met online and emailed many times a day for a couple weeks.  The day we met in person, he sent a dozen roses to my work. 

Within weeks of ending our marriage (my choice), he was dating a woman who is seriously overweight and a single parent.  I got his mail for a month or so and I saw he had ordered $80 from a flower delivery place, and his gf posted a picture of the roses she received.  I suppose it "worked" with me, so of course he'd repeat the pattern. 

He's also repeating the pattern with our child that he did with his child with his first wife.  The difference is that his child with her was 1 year old when they separated and ours is 11.  I remember for a few years feeling like I was pushing him to spend time with his son. It's now been almost 4 months since he saw our daughter and/or had any contact with her after changing his cell phone number and not bothering to let her or I know.  Unfortunately, at 11 years old, that "disappearing act" is a lot more damaging than it would be at 1 year old... .

[butterfly15]

I know it hurts but you have nothing to be envious with the ex.  The sooner you can get better and over them (and the obsessing over the ex's new victim) the better. Trust me. There are better things out there. This is a BIG world.

PW

I am starting to come around to this. It has only been a month. I feel that I miss him because he is familiar to me. Again I now feel I was addicted to him. I am getting a little better each day.

[hashtag_loyal]

Yes.  I believe my replacement was the first person who showed an interest in her and gave her the validation she needed.

Yeah, I think that's the direction my ex is headed. I think her new interest is a lesbian, which is very, very different than me. 

As far as same behavior? Absolutely. I am convinced the new girl is getting fed a stream of nonsense about how my ex has been so abused in the past and is always the victim. How she was always beaten (except by me), was near death, how all the other guys cheated on her (when in reality the opposite is true: my ex has cheated on every guy she's ever dated and -- by her own admission -- doesn't "know how to stop".) What's even funnier is that the new SO is convinced that my ex was somehow justified in cheating on me. She "thought I was going to break up with her", or her ex "forced himself on her." Either way it's either my fault or the ex's fault that she cheated, certainly not possible that it could ever be her fault. 

[C.Stein]

There is no rational or acceptable reason for cheating.

[Indiegrl]

Antelope,

that is some good insight - thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject

actually, that's the irony of all of this: we are all the same... .the plot and the characters may be different, but the themes are identical

we nons all carry varying degrees of poor self-esteem, weak boundaries, some naivete in romance, and we are unknowingly accustomed to this dysfunctional emotional behavior from others (this is where the family-of-origin stuff ties in)

we are all the same because we saw what we wanted to see, and we ignored many red flags in the process, all while launching head first into these relationships that were rife with dysfunction... .



sure, some of us like rock, others like jazz; some like baseball, some hate sports, etc  these are insignificant details, considering the breadth of our involvement with pretty much the same type of person

their futures are simply re-enactments of their pasts in so many ways, including finding willing participants in their manipulations and games... .its their modus operandi

change nothing, and nothing changes... .

[hashtag_loyal]

There is no rational or acceptable reason for cheating.

I agree, and I'm sure my ex would agree as well. 

In all seriousness, this the biggest reason of all to never go back. How can you have any semblance of any kind of r/s with someone who is incapable of rational decision-making?