Take it easy on yourself: you were in a VERY traumatic relationship.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I often get frustrated at myself for feeling the deep sadness and emptiness that I do after 4.5 months of NC.

I reminisce, searching for the high feelings I had when times were good with her.  I pass by the first restaurant we met at, the parks we would visit, streets we would walk on and ask why.

Only today I stopped and realized: Hey, you were in a very traumatic relationship.  Hang in there.  It takes time to heal.  

I have suppressed memories of all the bad times, and there were many.  Any ONE of her rages, name callings, push/pull behaviors or confrontations, let alone her emotional unavailability, would be enough to leave scars. And I put up with 3.5 years of them.  Of course it is going to take time.

But then again we as NONs are precisely the people who DO take things hard on ourselves.  We are the givers. The ones with heart.  Those who want to make sure everything is just right.  We put others before ourselves. We take it hard on ourselves.  We were perfect prey for an emotional predator.

So for those of you still feeling stuck after NC please hang in there, we are exiting a very traumatic experience in our lives.

[hopealways]

I often get frustrated at myself for feeling the deep sadness and emptiness that I do after 4.5 months of NC.

I reminisce, searching for the high feelings I had when times were good with her.  I pass by the first restaurant we met at, the parks we would visit, streets we would walk on and ask why.

Only today I stopped and realized: Hey, you were in a very traumatic relationship.  Hang in there.  It takes time to heal.  

I have suppressed memories of all the bad times, and there were many.  Any ONE of her rages, name callings, push/pull behaviors or confrontations, let alone her emotional unavailability, would be enough to leave scars. And I put up with 3.5 years of them.  Of course it is going to take time.

But then again we as NONs are precisely the people who DO take things hard on ourselves.  We are the givers. The ones with heart.  Those who want to make sure everything is just right.  We put others before ourselves. We take it hard on ourselves.  We were perfect prey for an emotional predator.

So for those of you still feeling stuck after NC please hang in there, we are exiting a very traumatic experience in our lives.

[hope2727]

Thank you. I needed this today. I literally woke up crying from nightmares of him and couldn't shake the crying all day. Its so tiring. Its so frustrating. Thank you thank you thank you foe saying all that.

[Michelle27]

You're right.  I forget this sometimes.  I had almost a decade of raging, lies and cheating, not to mention gaslighting of both my daughter from my first marriage and myself.  Even though I started the detaching process a couple years before I ended the marriage, and I know I've come a long way, I sometimes have PTSD like symptoms and get anxious about things that I shouldn't.  I realize it's from patterns set over many years but it makes me angry that I can't just move forward with my life without that pain now that I've realized how toxic the relationship was.  I need to give myself as much time as it takes as well as remember to take it easy on myself. I'm making progress, and that's all that should matter, not how long it takes.

[JSF13]

While talking to a friend today I said I know this isn't my fault. They stopped me and said do you really know that or are you still trying to convince yourself of it. Sad part is I'm still trying to get to the point that I know no matter what I did it wouldn't ever be enough and that I could never save her. Today's a day I really miss her and have clung to the few good memories I have. I spent all day on here today to help me feel better. I'm trying to not be so hard I myself. I did all I could.

[Darsha500]

I needed this too hope always. Yesterday was 4.5 months for me aswell. I've been doing so good lately that I haven't been on the board much at all. But over the weekend I was swept up by another wave a grief.

I was getting upset with myself too, I was mad that I couldn't get motivated to do anything. But I had to stop and remeber, like you said, how traumatic the whole experience was. I've been taking it for granted that I am as far along as I am. I had to give myself permission to feel like crap. I had a bunch of fun stuff planned with friends, but just could not bring myself to be social.

Still one day at a time, even this far out.

[butterfly15]

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman. He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was. Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

[hopealways]

BUTTERFLY:

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman.

The BPD cycle of IDEALIZE, DEVALUE, then DISCARD is part of their pathology. It will always occur.  Like a movie in a repetitive loop.

He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was.

Once you become everything they wanted you to be you are pushed away because the BPD becomes engulfed.

Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

For the same reason we all stayed: the highs of idealization are like nothing we ever experienced, and what we have always been searching for.

[steve195915]

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman. He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was. Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

I feel your pain.  The connection with her in 22 months was something that I never experienced in my whole life.  I seem to suppress memories or overlook and downplay all the mistreatment I endured; the rage, verbal abuse, push/pull behavior, lies, and cheating.  I was treated so badly and deserved so much better yet I still love her and miss her terribly.  It's almost like I justify her evil behaviours as her mental illness and not really her being responsible.  If a 'normal' person did those things to me I would feel disdain and want nothing to do with a person like that. 

[kc sunshine]

Oh thank you for these words. I will hold on to them.

I'm so impressed by the 4.5 months of NC! I'm only on day 2. Any hints on how to get there?

[JaneStorm]

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman. He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was. Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

 He did you a favor. You don't need to hate him. I cherish the good that I got from knowing my BPDex and I value the painful lessons it taught me. I hurt that he is incapable or unwilling to change the course of his life.

[butterfly15]

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman. He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was. Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

 He did you a favor. You don't need to hate him. I cherish the good that I got from knowing my BPDex and I value the painful lessons it taught me. I hurt that he is incapable or unwilling to change the course of his life.

i don't think I hate him. I hate that I let him hurt me. This is definitely a life lesson. A very long and difficult one. It does hurt that he agreed to seeking help and never followed thru.

[JaneStorm]

I do not blame myself. I am only having trouble with the validation. Why did he discard me? I realize it was because of his selfish needs to find other woman. He had admitted that he cannot stay committed to one for very long. I wish I would have known that when our relationship of 2 years began. I reflect on how many partners he had during our relationship? I was everything he wanted me to be and then it must have become too much for him to accept that I would love him no matter how damaged he thought he was. Now I don't know why I ever stayed. I deserve so much better. I still miss him so much though. The attention and our connection like many others here was something I had never experienced before. I had been married previously and never had these feeling for my ex. I realize it will take time to put these feelings somewhere else and hopefully miss him less and less everyday.

 He did you a favor. You don't need to hate him. I cherish the good that I got from knowing my BPDex and I value the painful lessons it taught me. I hurt that he is incapable or unwilling to change the course of his life.

i don't think I hate him. I hate that I let him hurt me. This is definitely a life lesson. A very long and difficult one. It does hurt that he agreed to seeking help and never followed thru.

It's like I used to say about an ex-husband that is BP; "he meant it, at the time." It gives me peace. They are impetuous children. Nothing more.

[hopealways]

KC, I never thought I would last 4.5 months NC.  The first 2 months weren't bad because she usually comes back after 2 months and I thought that this time would be no different. The 3rd month was better because I figured any day she would call me.  Month 4 is the hardest because I have realized that she will never come back to me and it hurts and makes me wonder, and I am like an open wound.  But humans are adaptable.  We survive. Just hang in there. I have forced myself to get out more, exercise, see nature blah blah blah, all those cheesy things you read about because there is nothing else we can do but let the wound heal.  Jumping into another relationship is a horrible idea because 1) you will pick the wrong person and 2) it is just a bandaid for our core wounds. 

It's a sucky time but time and distance do heal.

[kc sunshine]

Did you block her on your phone, etc? I blocked mine but it is SOO hard to keep her blocked. (not all the time, just sometimes).

My new thing is to keep it blocked mostly and then unblock it for a bit, just in case it is meant to be, if she would happen to text in that 20 minutes or so. Geez, talk about magical/wishful thinking! Or perhaps bargaining (in terms of the stages of grief).

KC, I never thought I would last 4.5 months NC.  The first 2 months weren't bad because she usually comes back after 2 months and I thought that this time would be no different. The 3rd month was better because I figured any day she would call me.  Month 4 is the hardest because I have realized that she will never come back to me and it hurts and makes me wonder, and I am like an open wound.  But humans are adaptable.  We survive. Just hang in there. I have forced myself to get out more, exercise, see nature blah blah blah, all those cheesy things you read about because there is nothing else we can do but let the wound heal.  Jumping into another relationship is a horrible idea because 1) you will pick the wrong person and 2) it is just a bandaid for our core wounds. 

It's a sucky time but time and distance do heal.

[GVincent]

Good to read this post... .I am only now realizing how much I forgot myself in 15 years with someone I'm pretty sure is BPD... .having said that, I also take responsibility for my own co-dependent behavior and am slowly trying to rebuild... .it's going to be a long hard slag, but I WILL get there... .

As I write this, we are still in the same apartment (only 2 more days until she moves out). She has bee trying to hurt me - she has been seeing another guy, while we cohabit, texts him, has slept with him, and is totally NC with me... .hurts, but also it's kind of good, makes it easier for me to be as well.

BUT our son is in the midlle and suffering. I hate that, but I can't control it, I know that. I talk to him, spend time with him, reassure him that this has nothing to do with him and that his Daddy still loves him and is here for him>

SIGH. I get so much strength from all of you.

My aunt yelled at me yesterday. She said "I'm really pissed off at you - how could you have such little self-respect that you would let her do the things she's done to you?" I could have used that talk 10 years ago, because apparently it was evident from the outside, even then... .not sure I would have listened.

Love. Love myself. Love my son. I still "love" her but I now understand that means something else where she is concerned.

Peace all.

[Learning Fast]

GVincent--best of wishes to you and your son---thankfully only two more days---my thoughts are with you during this phase.

One of the most difficult parts of the healing process for me has been accepting that it is not linear.  Perhaps it is because most of what we do in everyday life is usually fairly linear.  Or perhaps that the intensity and magnitude of the relationship was like nothing other so there is no reference standard.

This past weekend Saturday was a down day but Sunday was almost completely the opposite.  For what reason I'm unsure but hopefully it becomes "higher highs and higher lows" going forward.

LF

[kc sunshine]

As I write this, we are still in the same apartment (only 2 more days until she moves out). She has bee trying to hurt me - she has been seeing another guy, while we cohabit, texts him, has slept with him, and is totally NC with me... .hurts, but also it's kind of good, makes it easier for me to be as well.

The constant texting in front of me with my replacement was unbearable to me. How are you bearing it?

[GVincent]

KC,

I didn't bear it well.

She's out now, and because I'm a glutton for punishment I spent the weekend doing a forensic search of social media since, well since it existed basically. Reading between the lines of posts, tweets, retweets, a few conversations and MANY many deleted posts, texts, tweets, well, wasted energy, but it's clear the pattern was there forever. I had/have such low self-esteem I accepted it.

NOW, I must rebuild. Incredibly enough, she seems to have understood something is different because the only exchanges we now have concern our son and the "handoff" -in fact, he's old enough now, so, in her words "I'll send him saturday", meaning don't even have to see her... .so she's going total LC almost NC with ME! LOL

Hurts like hell but shows... .who she is?

Dunno, confused... .I still want her to want me as nuts as that sounds to me as I type... .

ONWARD!

G

[Heartbroken5]

Thank you so much for your post ,I have spent the day also reminiscing still shocked and devastated that the man I met 31 years ago married ,had four children with actually discarded me .The hurt is immeasurable ,I sometimes wonder if I will ever heal,we live next door to one another which is a nightmare as like every other BPD he doesn't like boundries and constantly breaks them which makes it harder to teach four teenagers life skills... .thank you for your post as it inspires me to continue trying to make a better life for  me and our children,I know I could no longer live with his rages,lies,deceit,crazyiness and lack of respect but unfortunately those memories don't seem strong enough at times to stop the yearning for the man I thought was my best friend and  love of my life .But knowing I am not the only one living through this nightmare and I am not alone  keeps me going .x

[StillRecovering]

Thank you for your post.  I too often forget the trauma that this relationship dealt me.  I cannot begin to imagine how much pain my BPDexgf must live in on a daily basis, but that does not change the damage that she did to me.  It is important to remember that these relationships were in fact traumatic and often situations of crisis. 

[hopealways]

I am really glad this post resonated with so many of you.  I am 5 months out and I still suffer PTSD and anxiety.  Never dreamed that it could have had this deep an effect on me.  But I am dealing with it.  I will never stay in a relationship with someone who will be so cruel and emotionless when all I did was provide love and affection.  It's as though they are not even  human sometimes. 

This WILL all lift, eventually, but until then we just have to take it easy on ourselves. My New Year resolution is to take it easy on myself. I have spent a lifetime taking things hard, trying to be perfect and please everyone. 

[Hopeful83]

Thanks for this post, hope always. You're totally right - these aren't easy breakups, and it takes time to heal.

I'm six months out and it's been the most painful thing I've ever been through. I just got back from a one-week trip that I took in order to psyche myself up to enjoy Christmas, and I feel better, although I know it's not over for me yet. I realised while I was away that it's time to 'let him go' - metaphorically, that is. I let go of the relationship back when I ended it. But it's time to let go of him and of any hope I had in my mind that things would somehow magically get fixed - yes despite the fact we had the most horrible of endings and the fact he was engaged to someone else within two months, my heart was still looking for some hope. I guess it was too painful to face up to the reality that this is truly over, so I held on to whatever I could.

Now, however, I'm beyond that. And it's quite scary. Now that the majority of the pain has died down, now that I've given up questioning everything all day every day, now that I'm no longer in shock, I realise that all is left is to let go of him. And it petrifies me, but I know it's all part of the process.

Anyway, my point is you're right - these are traumatic relationships, and the endings are usually just as traumatic, if not more so if like me you really didn't see it coming. But there comes a point when you have to tell yourself that you're going to do everything you can to turn this breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you. And that's in our hands and our hands alone. Sure, our exes have left massive gaps in our lives, but we can fill them with things that will make our lives even richer than before, especially with the new level of awareness that we have of ourselves. And that's what I'm focusing on moving forward.

While I was on my trip, I found myself thinking "wow, this is beautiful, I wish he could have been here to see this." But then I thought, he had a choice - he could have been right there, by my side, but he chose to take another path. We had a magical adventure together, and he walked away from that, and I realised then that he's the one who's missing out here, not me. What did I lose? A man who broke my heart and hurt me in a way that I've never been hurt before. What did he lose? Someone who would have never, ever given up on him, and someone who loved him deeply and dearly. And now I deserve to find someone who will do the same for me.

Hang in there, guys. At 4.5 months I was still doing pretty badly. It's amazing what a difference each month can make.

Hopeful

[hopealways]

Thanks for this post, hope always. You're totally right - these aren't easy breakups, and it takes time to heal.

I'm six months out and it's been the most painful thing I've ever been through. I just got back from a one-week trip that I took in order to psyche myself up to enjoy Christmas, and I feel better, although I know it's not over for me yet. I realised while I was away that it's time to 'let him go' - metaphorically, that is. I let go of the relationship back when I ended it. But it's time to let go of him and of any hope I had in my mind that things would somehow magically get fixed - yes despite the fact we had the most horrible of endings and the fact he was engaged to someone else within two months, my heart was still looking for some hope. I guess it was too painful to face up to the reality that this is truly over, so I held on to whatever I could.

Now, however, I'm beyond that. And it's quite scary. Now that the majority of the pain has died down, now that I've given up questioning everything all day every day, now that I'm no longer in shock, I realise that all is left is to let go of him. And it petrifies me, but I know it's all part of the process.

Anyway, my point is you're right - these are traumatic relationships, and the endings are usually just as traumatic, if not more so if like me you really didn't see it coming. But there comes a point when you have to tell yourself that you're going to do everything you can to turn this breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you. And that's in our hands and our hands alone. Sure, our exes have left massive gaps in our lives, but we can fill them with things that will make our lives even richer than before, especially with the new level of awareness that we have of ourselves. And that's what I'm focusing on moving forward.

While I was on my trip, I found myself thinking "wow, this is beautiful, I wish he could have been here to see this." But then I thought, he had a choice - he could have been right there, by my side, but he chose to take another path. We had a magical adventure together, and he walked away from that, and I realised then that he's the one who's missing out here, not me. What did I lose? A man who broke my heart and hurt me in a way that I've never been hurt before. What did he lose? Someone who would have never, ever given up on him, and someone who loved him deeply and dearly. And now I deserve to find someone who will do the same for me.

Hang in there, guys. At 4.5 months I was still doing pretty badly. It's amazing what a difference each month can make.

Hopeful

Such a beautiful response hopeful THANK YOU! I will keep reading this, yes THEY are the ones missing out not us.  This will help me as I enter 5 months NC and finally letting go.

[Herodias]

"'m six months out and it's been the most painful thing I've ever been through. I just got back from a one-week trip that I took in order to psyche myself up to enjoy Christmas, and I feel better, although I know it's not over for me yet. I realised while I was away that it's time to 'let him go' - metaphorically, that is. I let go of the relationship back when I ended it. But it's time to let go of him and of any hope I had in my mind that things would somehow magically get fixed - yes despite the fact we had the most horrible of endings and the fact he was engaged to someone else within two months, my heart was still looking for some hope. I guess it was too painful to face up to the reality that this is truly over, so I held on to whatever I could."

Yes, this is how I felt too... .like something would magically fix everything. Now he has another person pregnant. It's so awful. I have to keep telling myself that he has not changed. He was even trying to come see me! (cheating). I know he is still lying to me... .He has to be doing this to her. I try to remember the bad and not the good. It is the most painful thing ever... .I agree. I never wanted to get married and then go through all this trauma then get divorced. I was fooling myself that he would always stay with me since I did so much for him and was always there. Now he is acting like his life is so calm with out me. I just can't believe it. I hate feeling so lonely its painful! I know he is comforted by someone else. He says he thinks of me always... .maybe they go through their own type of pain. I know I am better off, I just wish it felt that way. I feel like I am the one who keeps prolonging my pain. It's been 5 months since I have seen him and I do not want to. Not even at court for the divorce! I may have to then... .I dread it. Will this pain ever go away? I hate that I am still crying over it!