What about when you try to walk away and they follow?

[tm006f]

My BPDh and I just got into a discussion.  Of course it was going nowhere.  He is "trying" to recognize his limits, so he told me he didn't want to talk anymore because he was getting to his limit.  I got up and started walking away.  He started hitting himself in the face.  I continued walking away, up the stairs.  He followed me, hitting himself all the time.

When we got to the top of the stairs, I told him I was going outside, but he blocked me from leaving.

I tried to stop him from hitting himself and he shoved me.

What do you do when you try to walk away and they just follow you?  I feel like even if I had kept retreating, he would have just kept following and even if I had managed to get in another room and shut the door, he would have just banged on the door.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HopefulDad]

I've been in this situation (minus the hitting herself), but make sure you have your cell phone on you, queue up 911, then threaten to call the police.  You calmly say, "I have a right to leave this house.  You are preventing me from doing so.  If you continue to deny me my right, I'm calling the police and you can explain to them why you are denying me this right."

I did that once.  Never had a single issue on this again.

[tm006f]

Thanks, Hopeful Dad.

I have never called 911 on him, although many times he has mocked me about it "oh, are you worried? why don't you call 911 if you are so worried?"

I am not sure I have the courage to make such a threat, but I have heard the same advice from a NAMI support group I attended, so maybe hearing this advice over and over will help get me prepared to say such a thing.

I think basically he knows he can push me around at this point and I don't do anything and that is one of our main problems.

[tm006f]

Plus, it's hard for me to be that articulate when I'm watching him continuously punch himself in the face... .

[maxsterling]

A big hug to you  .  I know how difficult this is.  Keeping a charged cell phone on you and charged at all times is important.  So is having money/provisions somewhere on you, in your car, or outside the house. 

The reality is, all you can do is get away (physically).  I've had to force myself past my W, gone into another room and locked the door, called police, and stayed with friends for a week.  When I sense my wife may get into that dysregulated and violent mode, I am sure I keep my car keys on me, my car parked in such a way I can get away easily, and try position myself in such a way that she is not between me and an exit. 

And yes, I have dealt with her hitting herself, threatening suicide, and attempting suicide when I tired to leave. It's hell.  Emotional hell that I still feel triggered by, still have nightmares of, and still can't shake. 

My best advice to you is to practice as much self-care as you can so that you aren't engulfed by this.

[flourdust]

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's terrifying to see someone act that way and then take the additional step of denying you the ability to control if you're even in the situation. This is a very very bad precedent.

I had a similar experience about a month back. My wife wasn't self-injuring, but she was verbally abusive to the point where I removed myself for the conversation. She pursued me all around the house, removing my only safety valve for these situations. I had to escalate my response, so I left the house in my car and spent the night in a hotel. Reading these boards had prepared me for that possibility, so I had an overnight bag hidden in my car (in the tire well). Can you prepare yourself for that next time?

[tm006f]

Flourdust, that's a good idea, but unfortunately I have a baby, so I can't just run out of the house and my husband knows it.  Even if I did try to get her and leave, he would most likely block me.  I'm really trying to minimize the trauma to our baby by keeping her away when these things happen. 

Although, during this specific incident our baby was out of the house with the nanny, so I guess if he hadn't blocked me from leaving, I could have left.  It's very unusual for us both to be home and the baby not to be though.  He just happens to be home today because he is "sick" (he claims he is sick and yet he has no symptoms whatsoever).

[flourdust]

I have a daughter as well. My go bag includes her clothes, toiletries, and medicine -- even a few books and toys!

Prepare that bag. Include baby supplies for a day. You just never know what might happen, and it's a little bit of extra security.

[formflier]

  Some people are afraid if they call 911 that the r/s is over.  I've called 911 several times on my wife, she said it was over ever time.  I've called child protective services, same thing, we were done.  She has called 911 on me, to tell them that I was being bad, .and they ought to know that.  Yep, that's what she told them.  They asked if she needed a response (police) and she clarified by giving them my name and saying I was being bad, they should know it, but she didn't need police.  We are still together and doing much much better.  If you have never called 911, practice a few times.  Make sure you are speaking outloud (alone).    Hang in there!            

FF

[Samuel S.]

This is a horrible situation that should be dealt with by stating to him what you are going to do, by calling the police! He is hurting himself. He is limiting what you do. He also is creating a bad atmosphere for your child. Indeed, calling the police if he doesn't stop right away is the best way to begin to resolve this situation! The best of luck to you!

[Chilibean13]

Some people are afraid if they call 911 that the r/s is over.

I've called 911 several times on my wife, she said it was over ever time.


FF

What did the police do in response? Did they arrest her?

Both myself and my uBPDh have a conceal carry license. If either of us gets arrested for DV, we can lose our abilty to not only carry a gun but own one also. We strongly believe in our 2nd ammendment rights.

I'm at the point where I know I need to leave the house when he starts dysregulating just to get away from the meltdown, but I know he will not let me retreat. I don't want him arrested, especially if he hasn't done anything violent but I'd be ok with a 96 hr hold in a psych unit.

[formflier]

  What did the police do in response? Did they arrest her?    

       There have never been any arrests.  My gut tells me that we were lucky that we had older, experienced cops (Sheriff's deputies actually) that responded.  I believe they figured out the situation and were able to diffuse it (reduced the emotional temp).  I understand the concern about not wanting an arrest.  I would encourage you to not worry about that.  If blocked in the house (or another reason to call 911), call and let the system do it's work.        

FF

[tm006f]

He became verbally abusive again last night. I called the police. They arrested him. I just made a separate post about that. I can't believe this is my life. I don't know what to do next.

[maxsterling]

He became verbally abusive again last night. I called the police. They arrested him. I just made a separate post about that. I can't believe this is my life. I don't know what to do next.

Wow.  Good for you!     You aren't alone here.  Trust that you did what you had to do, and his behavior is not your responsibility.  If police saw evidence to arrest him, trust that this is serious and not an over-reaction.

I've called police on my wife about half a dozen times.  Most of them were for suicide talk, once for a suicide attempt, and one time for threating violence and committing violence. I truly believe (and a social worker agrees) that had she been the man and me the woman, she would have been arrested.  Threatening to destroy my property is a crime.  Destroying my property is a crime.  So when I called police to say she was smashing dishes, and they walked in to find her cleaning up broken dishes, I am surprised they didn't question her more.  She simply said it was an "accident".  They suggested I leave for the evening and get a restraining order... .

You did the right thing here, trust me.  We are here for you.

[babyducks]

Hi tm006f,

you did the right thing.    it was a very brave thing to do. 

I liked what max said, his behavior is not your responsibility.   it's his.

'ducks

[teapay]

Because of Lautenberg, a DV conviction was not good for your career in the Army.  You definitely didn't want to get arrested for DV if you lived on the economy.  Even though you needed to be convicted (thankfully) for it to take effect, just the arrest was enough to cause a severe headache and in some states it didn't take much regardless of circumstances - just a 911 call  -- and that was it.  

[Herodias]

I have been in that situation as well... .you do have to be prepared for it to happen and have an escape plan. Mine would follow me if I tried to leave the room as well. There was no way for me to call or leave because he would grab my keys and my phone. I have learned not to get upset and scream, because that is what made it all the worse. I feel like when it gets violent enough for this to start happening, that it's time to leave unless they get major help and make changes. It only gets worse. The police even told me, it's time for a divorce. Very sad... .