Sad , I feel I've taken a step back

[Bigmd]

4 plus months out of break up from BPD exgf and the last few days I find myself sad and missing her. I was doing awesome before thanksgiving . I was happy and looking forward to each day. I wasn't even thinking of her. Now I find myself feeling alone and have cried a few times the last few days. I'm dreading the holidays. I can't even get into Christmas .sometimes I feel I just want to reach out to her.

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

You haven't made a step back. You are healing, like rest of us. You are going forward, but on this journey there will be bad days. During last days I was feeling pretty bad (even I thought that the worst part was over). Today I feel much better, optimistic and knowing that NC is the best thing and that I will be "the old one", even stronger and emotionally healthier.

You are now in control, think about that, it is great feeling.

You can fail sometimes, and that is not bad. Just stand up every time!  

Just keep pushing!

P.S. Now I realized you said 4 months - you know what? That is 4 times longer than my post breakup phase. 

[Bigmd]

BBS thanks. I should add that I have been NC just as long except a drunken night when I texted her 2 months out. After her cold response and asking to be friends I knew NC is better. Than one weekend I felt I've turned a corner. The fog lifted and so did the sadness. As of late though it gets the best of me. Sometimes I feel very lonely. But I've been here before and I know I could feel better. My T says I just need to face the pain and fight through it.

[hopealways]

BigMD it's not a linear path, but it does get better. I am 5 months NC - as in not a peep - but I after 3.5 months also felt like reaching out. I am glad I have stuck to NC for so many reasons.  Keep it up. I hear around 6 months the mind really takes a turn for the better. Hang in there.

[Bigmd]

Hey guys thanks. While the urge to contact was not strong at all I still find myself thinking about her . It's frustrating that what was working for me before is not now. Maybe it's the  holidays approaching. I'm kinda thinking about the whatifs . Replaying our last conversation in my head. What could I have done different? What is she doing now? Is she with anyone? I want it to stop. I need to move on. I also find myself thinking of the marriage I threw away for her. It's all very sad and frustrating.

[Bigmd]

I've also been thinking about telling her that she may have BPD. But after reading many posts about people who have done that its probably not a good idea. After all before I learned about BPD I tried to get her to go to therapy with me because of her rages and silent treatment. She flat out denied there wasn't anything wrong with her and she didn't need help.

[reachingoutuk]

Hey guys thanks. While the urge to contact was not strong at all I still find myself thinking about her . It's frustrating that what was working for me before is not now. Maybe it's the  holidays approaching. I'm kinda thinking about the whatifs . Replaying our last conversation in my head. What could I have done different? What is she doing now? Is she with anyone? I want it to stop. I need to move on. I also find myself thinking of the marriage I threw away for her. It's all very sad and frustrating.

Don't forget to remind yourself of all the drama, pain, heartache & dysfunctional behaviour too.

[Mutt]

Hey guys thanks. While the urge to contact was not strong at all I still find myself thinking about her . It's frustrating that what was working for me before is not now. Maybe it's the  holidays approaching. I'm kinda thinking about the whatifs . Replaying our last conversation in my head. What could I have done different? What is she doing now? Is she with anyone? I want it to stop. I need to move on. I also find myself thinking of the marriage I threw away for her. It's all very sad and frustrating.

Don't forget to remind yourself of all the drama, pain, heartache & dysfunctional behaviour too.

Good point. It helps when we take a step back and look at the entire relationship from the beginning to the end and recall the bad memories as well as the good ones. I can see how this feels frustrating and sad and that you want to move on.

I agree with hopealways that healing is not a linear path and grieving the loss of a relationship is also not linear. There are five stages of grieving in the Kubler-Ross model and we may enter in any of the stages in no particular order and we may enter a stage more than once. Grieving a loss is normal. It sounds like you wish you could have prevented your loss. What stage do you see yourself on the grieving wheel?

[Bigmd]

Well Mutt thanks for another response. You always respond and I thank you. As of a few weeks ago I was in the anger stage. I was mad at her for treating me the way she did and than running away. Also mad at myself for allowing it. Now I find myself in the sadness stage. End of October beginning of November I felt the fog had definately lifted and I was feeling happy again. Than Thanksgiving triggered me into another sadness. Although not as sharp as in the beginning it's still there. Having a hard time dealing with the fact that she's moving on without me. And I'm forced to do same without her. We had so many plans . Just sucks sometimes. Find myself crying at different times of the day. Feeling alone and can't even get into the holidays. Normally this is my favorite time of the year.

[Mutt]

Well Mutt thanks for another response. You always respond and I thank you.

It is my pleasure. Anger helps us to detach from unhealthy relationships but don't be hard on yourself. I think that

Anger also helps ups to detach from healthy relationships but don't beat yourself up. I hear what you are saying that ( thread title ) healing sometimes feels like you take a step forward and to find yourself taking two steps back and it can feel disappointing and depressing.

I recall feeling great after a year and half in my healing and I had thought that I had reached acceptance and freedom but I got an email from my ex wife that she was expecting a baby. When I read that at the end of a routine email about the kids no-less it felt like she opened the wound that I thought had healed. What I realized is that I still had a bit left to go with my healing.

You left your ex not that long ago in Sept and you met her 6 years ago. You have a long history together and I completely understand how difficult that around the holidays when it is our favorite time of the year. There are periods in the year where we may feel triggered , it could be an experience from loss or an event that makes us feel triggered.

I found that I didn't experience the first year with birthdays, anniversarries, holidays with happyniess but I felt triggered with anxiety and stress because it was the first time that I was going through all of it without a loved one. Do you feel like you are in the bargaining stage of grieving?

Bargaining

You try to negotiate to change the situation.

In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change". 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[Bigmd]

Bargaining maybe, but only in terms of if she would just hear me out on the whole BPD thing. Not in terms of me changing. Because during the relationship I did all I could to make it better. She even told me how much I changed from the beginning of the relationship .

[Mutt]

Replaying our last conversation in my head. What could I have done different?What is she doing now? Is she with anyone? I want it to stop. I need to move on. I also find myself thinking of the marriage I threw away for her.

I say bargaining because I see that you're negotiating with yourself when you are replaying what could have been done differently in your last conversation with her. What was the conversation about? Did you say something that you regret saying? It sounds like you're not only suffering the loss of your ex partner but it sounds like you regret your divorce too. It's a lot to process.

[Bigmd]

Well the breakup convo when she called me on her lunch break to end it. She hit me with a barage of things she thought was wrong. I could barely respond. Than a week later I asked her about our age difference and if it was problem. She blew up after that. I'm wondering if I could have handled it differently .

[Mutt]

Well the breakup convo when she called me on her lunch break to end it. She hit me with a barage of things she thought was wrong. I could barely respond. Than a week later I asked her about our age difference and if it was problem. She blew up after that. I'm wondering if I could have handled it differently .

I understand. It sounds like she didn't give you a chance to talk. Do you think that your ex was impulsive when she called you on your lunch break? Why did she have to call you at work? Why not wait until you're finished work or talk to you in the evening. I think that there is a right time and a right place.

I would feel caught of guard in the middle of the workday with a conversation about ending the relationship and being blamed for everything wrong in the relationship. I think that I wouldn't know what to say either.

She had a disproportionate display of anger about a week later, it sounds like she may of been unstable the week before too? We can only do the best that we can do but we're not responsible for other peoples emotions and how they react. Don't blame yourself.

[Bigmd]

Looking back I never had a chance at all. Didn't know what I was up against. Still finding it hard to come to terms with the whole situation.