Two years of the exact same thing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been struggling today and decided that I needed to know exactly when things started going wrong. So I looked back to the beginning of our emails and I discovered that almost two years ago was the first time that ex dumped me for an untrue accusation, which I can clearly see now was borne out of fear. And I responded with denial of accusation, reassurance of love and agreement to finish if that was what was best for ex, but it wasn't what I wanted, believed was best or necessary and was a waste of our potential.

Two years ago. And it could have been an exchange from last week, different accusation (although not necessarily, that one has endured, still not true) but the same exchange, and the same words from me.

This has really really upset me, I'm not sure exactly why. Mainly the futility perhaps. Or the wish I'd learned how to do things differently so maybe we wouldn't be having the exact same desperately sad exchange two years later.

And the fact that my initial reaction was to contact ex to tell them this. I haven't

I'm not really asking for anything, just needed to express. Because I know that I haven't got a single person in my life who I could tell this to. And that makes me so sad too, and terrified.

[La Carotte]

I've been struggling today and decided that I needed to know exactly when things started going wrong. So I looked back to the beginning of our emails and I discovered that almost two years ago was the first time that ex dumped me for an untrue accusation, which I can clearly see now was borne out of fear. And I responded with denial of accusation, reassurance of love and agreement to finish if that was what was best for ex, but it wasn't what I wanted, believed was best or necessary and was a waste of our potential.

Two years ago. And it could have been an exchange from last week, different accusation (although not necessarily, that one has endured, still not true) but the same exchange, and the same words from me.

This has really really upset me, I'm not sure exactly why. Mainly the futility perhaps. Or the wish I'd learned how to do things differently so maybe we wouldn't be having the exact same desperately sad exchange two years later.

And the fact that my initial reaction was to contact ex to tell them this. I haven't

I'm not really asking for anything, just needed to express. Because I know that I haven't got a single person in my life who I could tell this to. And that makes me so sad too, and terrified.

[once removed]

hey finallyitstime 

im sorry you dont have others in your life that you can tell this to, but please do know you are not alone  . think of it this way: we tell certain friends certain things; i wouldnt go to a friend that might not be understanding about my situation. we are family here, and we do understand .

i think most of us have been there with trying to pinpoint where things all went wrong and put the puzzle pieces together. rewatch the movie with the twist ending. this is a good place to do it. it hasnt been very long, finallyitstime, and i think early on, a lot of the "aha!" moments we experience can be painful and lead to more questions in our head, self doubt, etc. two years together (in a volatile relationship no less) is a lot to process. youre seeing that there may not have been an exact moment when things started going wrong. i understand why that would feel like everything was futile, just please remember you did the best you could with what you had at the time, and be kind to yourself as you process.

[Mutt]

Hi La Carotte,

I can see how frustrating that would feel when we feel like we have similar patterns and emotional reactions from someone else behaviors and reactions. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself credit for realizing that you are stuck in a pattern. Some people don't self reflect and don't see the same patterns that they have played out throughout a life time. I believe that in order to become better at something in life, you fail often because it's practice before we get things right.

I agree that they your ex likely dumped you out of fear. I think that some people have insecurities and it's not personal to us and it's good that you reassured your ex partner. What would you do differently now?

I also understand how lonely that can feel when we don't have someone to talk to in real life. I don't know if you feel the same way but I found it incredibly difficult to go to family and friends because I felt invalidated. Is that what you mean?