Do they leave because they cannot stop hurting you?

[butterfly15]

My ex left me in a sense. We had been arguing a lot the last few months due to his lies, cheating and manipulation. We had an all out texting war.  I called him out on his online dating profiles. I had set up an alias and was shocked at the conversation that took place. We both said really hurtful things and neither of us reconciled. I was also putting my 11 year old dog to sleep the next morning it was sudden and he didnt show any concern for my sad feelings. He text me last week after 5 weeks of NC. He said he missed me and loved me a lot. I did not respond. Did he leave because he cannot stop hurting me? I am on to his horrible behaviors or is it more for himself and I am a weight lifted out of his life and he can do whatever he needs and not think about me?

[hopealways]

I do think even though they lack empathy, at some point some do realize that they are hurting you so much that they let go.  Now, the reasons for letting you go may be selfish, i.e. they think they have hurt you so much that you will eventually abandon them so they pre-empt that painful and triggering abandonment, but I do believe they have a gauge as to how much they are hurting you. They do know they are hurting you but they keep pushing you to see how far they can go. This reduces their feelings of engulfment and also serves to prove to themselves how much you love them (e.g. the more you put up with the more they think they love you).

[butterfly15]

I do think even though they lack empathy, at some point some do realize that they are hurting you so much that they let go.  Now, the reasons for letting you go may be selfish, i.e. they think they have hurt you so much that you will eventually abandon them so they pre-empt that painful and triggering abandonment, but I do believe they have a gauge as to how much they are hurting you. They do know they are hurting you but they keep pushing you to see how far they can go. This reduces their feelings of engulfment and also serves to prove to themselves how much you love them (e.g. the more you put up with the more they think they love you).

I have this feeling that this is why it happened. Reflecting back he did tell me recently. That he was ill, he was sorry, he cared enough to leave and he forgave me.

[Mutt]

I do think even though they lack empathy, at some point some do realize that they are hurting you so much that they let go.  Now, the reasons for letting you go may be selfish, i.e. they think they have hurt you so much that you will eventually abandon them so they pre-empt that painful and triggering abandonment, but I do believe they have a gauge as to how much they are hurting you. They do know they are hurting you but they keep pushing you to see how far they can go. This reduces their feelings of engulfment and also serves to prove to themselves how much you love them (e.g. the more you put up with the more they think they love you).

I have this feeling that this is why it happened. Reflecting back he did tell me recently. That he was ill, he was sorry, he cared enough to leave and he forgave me.

Did you say anything like you were going to leave him when you found out about his cheating?

[butterfly15]

I do think even though they lack empathy, at some point some do realize that they are hurting you so much that they let go.  Now, the reasons for letting you go may be selfish, i.e. they think they have hurt you so much that you will eventually abandon them so they pre-empt that painful and triggering abandonment, but I do believe they have a gauge as to how much they are hurting you. They do know they are hurting you but they keep pushing you to see how far they can go. This reduces their feelings of engulfment and also serves to prove to themselves how much you love them (e.g. the more you put up with the more they think they love you).

I have this feeling that this is why it happened. Reflecting back he did tell me recently. That he was ill, he was sorry, he cared enough to leave and he forgave me.

no. He lived with me. I did find out he was cheating like in another relationship when we were together which apparently went on for months. Him 37 ... Her 20! I did ask him to leave in December 2014. We reconciled he promised to commit to me. I did kick him out in July 2015. He had his own place for 2 months and wasn't being honest w me. We were off on for months until Oct 2015 it became very rocky he was preparing to exit my life. We stopped contacting each other in early Nov 2015.

Did you say anything like you were going to leave him when you found out about his cheating?

[Mutt]

I do think even though they lack empathy, at some point some do realize that they are hurting you so much that they let go.  Now, the reasons for letting you go may be selfish, i.e. they think they have hurt you so much that you will eventually abandon them so they pre-empt that painful and triggering abandonment, but I do believe they have a gauge as to how much they are hurting you. They do know they are hurting you but they keep pushing you to see how far they can go. This reduces their feelings of engulfment and also serves to prove to themselves how much you love them (e.g. the more you put up with the more they think they love you).

I have this feeling that this is why it happened. Reflecting back he did tell me recently. That he was ill, he was sorry, he cared enough to leave and he forgave me.

no. He lived with me. I did find out he was cheating like in another relationship when we were together which apparently went on for months. Him 37 ... Her 20! I did ask him to leave in December 2014. We reconciled he promised to commit to me. I did kick him out in July 2015. He had his own place for 2 months and wasn't being honest w me. We were off on for months until Oct 2015 it became very rocky he was preparing to exit my life. We stopped contacting each other in early Nov 2015.

Did you say anything like you were going to leave him when you found out about his cheating?

butterfly15,

That's a wide age gap I hear a couple of things and I think that you are right that he may of put distance with you and himself because he was self loathing and felt shame from his behaviors and actions. I also think that it was possible that his abandonment fears may of been triggered late 2014, mid 2015. At the center of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment, a narcissistic injury, fear of abandonment and he has a deep fear of abandonment perceived in his mind or real.