Why did we stay for so long?

[Reforming]

Hi thisworld,

Really interesting, intelligent and nuanced response.

I think there's a huge complexity in our reasons for staying that frequently gets brushed aside under the generic co-dependency label (a behavioural pattern that was originally defined in the spouses or partners of alcoholics and drug addicts

The dosing you mention sounds like intermittent reinforcement, which can really erode boundaries and your sense of self.

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

[thisworld]

Hi Reforming,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I believe it helps to recognize our positives because we possess them regardless. If we were completely submissive, codependent whatever you name it, we would have stayed in these dances without complaint anyway. It is clear that we have some boundaries somewhere:))

Best,

[hope2727]

Cognitive Dissonance

Belief in logic and rational thought

Belief in love and healthy relationships

Strength of character

Random schedule of rewards

Slow incremental abuse

[VeraTrue]

I stayed because of her suicidality. When we met she had a job, had her own place, had been in school... .what I didn't know was it was all possible due to functional alcoholism. Our relationship was of course intense, she got triggered at the same time the alcohol stopped working to manage her panic disorder. In a few weeks time it became absolutely clear that if she didn't get help she was going to kill herself. After her first suicide attempt I found her and took her to the ER where she was hospitalized. The rest of time we were together, she was in treatment that was failing because it was completely inappropriate for her needs and totally incompetent. She needed psychological intervention, not addiction treatment where they wouldn't even evaluate the meds she got in the hospital after suicide attempts. The hospitals just kicked her out after a few days of detox when she was pleading to stay. She wasn't allowed therapy even. There were weeks between case manager sessions, lots of required 12-step meetings when she really needed hospitalization... .it was doing harm rather than helping. But at the time, I didn't realize her addiction was arising from BPD, and that our relationship was basically a drug for her to replace the alcohol. And she never raged at me (although she spoke of having done so in the past.) I didn't see that her rage was turned inwards, leading to self-harm, ambivalence towards me, the push-pull, the lies and impulsive cheating, all her passive-aggressive hooks that I let drag me through her hell-passages of alcoholic suicidal psychotic episodes was her form of abuse. I discovered her unconscious and/or bleeding three times, once not even breathing. There were days-long suicide watches where I couldn't even have the need to go to the bathroom or she'd use that moment to cut herself or run off into the night. I didn't get that I was playing a role, I thought I was preventing the irreversible (suicide) until the issues with her healthcare were solved... .always just a few days away as I tried to enroll her family in dealing with her medical providers. Those few days turned into several months of mental healthcare system failure with me as the horrified default caretaker, I was desperate because she was going to die and there was nobody to help. I thought I loved her, that I was protecting her real choice to stay alive when her wounded self had given up in despair. But I didn't know that I didn't even know her, that it was all a mask. I thought I knew the difference between her acute episodic symptoms and her real self. Now I know she was always symptomatic, it just varied in how it looked depending on where we were in her cycle. She was so convincing in her explanations of her behavior... .behavior that often screamed "I don't love you or anyone, especially myself!" I thought I was joining her in battle against the demons in her psyche, the torments of her physiology (panic disorder, or so I thought.) I thought I was standing by her in her illness while she worked so hard to free herself. I thought I was keeping her alive until real help could be found when her insurance and healthcare providers failed her again and again. I never meant to solve her problems, I was trying to keep her alive until she had a real shot at solving them herself in a therapeutic setting. And you know what? It worked. She's in a long-term residential multi-diagnosis program I finally found with a sliding scale and everything. But... .she basically ghosted me when she entered the program, she didn't want to deal with the transition in our relationship. No closure. No conversation. It left me eviscerated. After all that trauma, I was left to face that it was never love, I didn't matter to her. I'd given up everything for someone who couldn't hold any priority around just knowing I was OK. How could she just not even be curious about that? All these months later, and nothing. I've been in therapy ever since and have PTSD. The hook was the suicidality. That was the only thing I couldn't or wouldn't walk away from. I wonder now if it was even a real thing... .then I remember the long hours of the doctors thinking she was about to go into liver failure from the bottle of pills she downed. And the time the EMT's couldn't get her to breathe for a couple of minutes while I stood helpless, feeling my brain just melt and freeze into PTSD brokeness.

[Lexi24]

Wow, I can relate to everyone here, especially the suicide watch and the addiction to the chaotic extreme highs and lows and the resistance to failure and the problem solving posts.  This thread was so helpful to me.  I am 1 month out of being "ghosted" and am alternating between being shattered and being thankful to being involuntarily removed from a toxic person. I guess I should thank him for pushing me away from the electric current. It is challenging to move on without closure though.  I am grieving for the good times offered by my Dr. Jekyll. 

[NCEA]

VeraTrue - you saved someone's life, no doubt about it. They say if you saved one soul, it's as if you saved a whole universe. So don't beat yourself down, your story is amazing.

[JaneStorm]

Cognitive Dissonance

Belief in logic and rational thought

Belief in love and healthy relationships

Strength of character

Random schedule of rewards

Slow incremental abuse

Exactly.

[Lexisdad]

I think all of us here are asking ourselves why did we stay so long. It's almost like we were addicted to this toxic relationship. Most of us would never have allowed the lies, rages, cheating, trust and insecurity issues that we put up with.

Looking back at the past 6 years with my pwBPDex i can't beleive i was in such an abusive relationship. My own family would tell me that she is toxic and i equate it now to being a heroin addict. You know sticking that needle in your arm everyday for that" fix" is bad and may kill you but you do it everyday. It's like we became addicted to the abuse and still allowed it.I know with my ex looking back i was addicted to the sex and her sheer beauty. Now looking back besides that what did she really bring to the relationship. Every other day was a rage or accusation with her dyllusional jeoulosy. Could never enjoy a night out, weekend getaway or romantic surprise because of the constant conflict and turmoil. Walking on eggshells everyday i did but why did i stay is what i'm working on for myself.

[Grissum69]

We stayed for many reasons, many that the posters before me pointed out.

1) We are caregivers

2) We became emeshed in a co-dependant relationship

3) We ourselves are emotionally wounded

You can be a confident, independent person and still get involved with a BPD. The difference is this... .as soon as all the shyt started flying an emotionally healthy person would have run.

We did not. There is a reason we stayed and that has to do with our own issues.

WOW yes, this is so true...   this post here makes a LOT of sense to me. 

[cootkilla]

thisworld: bravo! spot on,

I had this conversation in therapy today, I stayed because I transferred my need to be validated from my dysfunctional parents to my dysfunctional now ex wife.  My therapist says that they know our weaknesses and what we need and they exploit it, not sure if I agree with that.  I still would like to think my ex wife was just looking for happiness but doesn't have the ability to control her fears and has no sense of who she is, for some reason I still feel really sorry for her even though she had made my life a living night mare for years... .I guess I still have a lot of denial to deal with

[letmeout]

I think most of us nons grew up in denial to survive our dysfunctional parents. That made it way too easy to continue this habit with our BPD partners. I couldn't face the crushing behaviors of my spouse any other way.