pwBPD to English translator

[steve195915]

I decided to make a post to translate the words spoken or actions of a pwBPD into what they really mean based on all our experiences.  Hopefully it will provide us with some humor and really reflect on how we were so mistreated and make our resolve stronger not to get sucked back in and to find peace in the knowledge we are better off without them.  Please feel free to add to the list or to add multiple definitions.  

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pwBPD to English Translator:


1.  "I value our friendship" = "I value the attention you are giving me to meet my needs."

2.  "I am glad you are in my life" = "I am glad you are available to give me attention at my whim."

3.  "I need some time to figure things out for myself" = "I'm still working on finding your replacement so I want you to stay available in case I don't find anyone or it doesn't work out."

4.  Action: The silent treatment from the pwBPD = "How dare you want me to address some of your needs, now I will punish you with silence."

5. "I love you" = "You are currently meeting my needs so I will stay with you at this instant in time"

6a.  I don't trust you" = "I'm actively looking and have made contacts with your possible replacement so by thinking you may be doing the same thing it justifies what I'm doing and therefore I don't have any thoughts of doing anything wrong myself."

6b.  "I don't trust you" = "I was abandoned by my parent and/or also by others so I know you will do the same to me so any actions I do will be completely justified and all your fault."

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[kc sunshine]

so true!

[Newton]

Your breakdown shows a fundamental/raw understanding of how narcissistic biased minds/brains function... .

This knowledge is rather esoteric... .this website has seemingly big numbers, yet rather tiny compared to cat videos on yu chewb... .

So you know this stuff now... .how can you take this on and move on?... .

[steve195915]

Your breakdown shows a fundamental/raw understanding of how narcissistic biased minds/brains function... .

This knowledge is rather esoteric... .this website has seemingly big numbers, yet rather tiny compared to cat videos on yu chewb... .

So you know this stuff now... .how can you take this on and move on?... .

To me it helps my resolve of not getting sucked back in.  I want others definitions also as its nice to know I'm not alone and to reflect on her words that were lies and manipulation and downright evil.  As we try to get over our BPDex we often start thinking of the wonderful times and not on the terrible things done to us.  To me this is a way to heal and to move on. 

I want to see more translations! 

[enlighten me]

The problem with a translator is that at any given time the meaning can change.

Therefor

I value your friendship = "I value your friendship" or "I need you to be here for me" or "I value the attention your giving me" or "I hate you but Im not going to let you know as I don't want you to hate me" or... .

I think you get the picture.

Yes painting them black helps us to detach. Thinking there is an ulterior motive to what they say is a form of this.

[Newton]

I spent 20 years in security... often as a close protection officer... .I rocked ... .then I needed to find this place because of the partners I chose... .

It sounds like you are attempting the same level of hypervigilance... .emotionally/logically... .I failed badly at that... .I believe it's a no win the way you are trying it... but it's your path right now ...

Politicians (see current crisis in UK Conservative party election campaign bus bullying tabloid scandal), police, teachers, drone strike operators, local councillors... .many of these are messed up controlling individuals on the spectrum you now understand. You will meet them everywhere... .as you learn and leave this place.  Understanding the details of their dysfunction is helpful... .to a point... .At the moment it appears you are taking satisfaction from the knowledge... .now what.  

[Schermarhorn]

"Goodbye" - I'll be back when I drive your replacement crazy and he/she leaves me.

[steve195915]

"Goodbye" - I'll be back when I drive your replacement crazy and he/she leaves me.

Excellent one! 

[enlighten me]

I think when I was with my ex I took everything she said literally.

After splitting up I swung the other way and saw what was said as the initial post.

I then went through looking at it for subtext and trying to work out what she was really getting at.

Now Im at a point that it doesn't matter and I don't want to have to learn that language as Ive no intention of visiting that country again.

[burritoman]

"I have to flirt at my job to make money." = "I love you, but I love attention from other men just as much."

"What you did is tantamount to cheating." = "I cheated on you more than once and I feel too guilty to tell you about it."

"They're my c*ckblockers!" = "They're your replacements."

"I need this space to grow if I were to want to return to this someday." = "I need sex from other people for awhile, but you'll be right here waiting for me when I get it out of my system."

"Ignore me then." = "How DARE you not bow before me!"

*silence* = "Who are you again?"

[blackbirdsong]

I really understand the motive of this thread, really do. I even laughed on some of the examples.

I don't want to spam this topic, if moderators think that only examples should be provided - ok, but I am not sure that this actually benefits the healing process. To me it looks like that we are "faking it" by using quick-fix solutions, e.g. to paint our BPD partner totally black to feel better.

This again refers to one of our previous conversations that it takes two to tango... .

This is just my opinion, that it is not a healthy way of dealing with our issues. At least from my personal experience, I also thought that I was "a victim" and my BPD partner was a emotional monster who hurt me. Looking just one side of the medal and putting all healing cards on that will come around the corner some day.

[Mutt]

I decided to make a post to translate the words spoken or actions of a pwBPD into what they really mean based on all our experiences.

I can appreciate humor. The days that were I felt like I could find humor in things and joke around felt very far away when I was going through healing. I can say that I feel like my old self and much wiser  

What I see as chronic patterns with my ex wife are rigid thought patterns and it's difficult to meet a middle ground because of black and white thinking. Triangulation with the kids where she rescues the kids and I'm persecutor.

I think that it helps me to understand BPD psychopathology because I know that I'm not walking into drama and I also don't take things personally when she's projecting because she's floundering with something and trying to blame me. I don't think that I can understand a distorted belief system though.

If we have this knowledge with communication then why didn't our relationships succeed?

Thoughts?

[burritoman]

I decided to make a post to translate the words spoken or actions of a pwBPD into what they really mean based on all our experiences.

I can appreciate humor. The days that were I felt like I could find humor in things and joke around felt very far away when I was going through healing. I can day that I feel like my old self and much wider 

I feel the same way. Looking back at some of her ridiculous antics is starting to make me laugh. Humor is very important to any healing process, but to each their own. That said, I thought of one more -

"I ruin every relationship." = "I ruin every relationship."

[steve195915]

"I have to flirt at my job to make money." = "I love you, but I love attention from other men just as much."

"What you did is tantamount to cheating." = "I cheated on you more than once and I feel too guilty to tell you about it."

"They're my c*ckblockers!" = "They're your replacements."

"I need this space to grow if I were to want to return to this someday." = "I need sex from other people for awhile, but you'll be right here waiting for me when I get it out of my system."

"Ignore me then." = "How DARE you not bow before me!"

*silence* = "Who are you again?"

, some new ones I never heard. "They're my c*ockblockers!".   

Sorry these made me laugh but I can definitely relate to all of them.  Why the heck do we still feel we care about them?   

[FlyFish]

"I love you" (first time) = "I'm infatuated with you"

"I love you" (200th time) = "I'm infatuated with you"

"You are too good for me" = "I have such low self esteem that I cannot meet the needs of a committed relationship" or "you truly are to good for me"

"Yes let's try to make this work" = "I'm just telling you what you want to hear"

"I went out for a beer with my exbf. Are you ok with that?" = extremely f***** loaded question

"I love waking up to every morning" = "I feel insecure and not wanted if I don't have someone by me every night"

"It would kill me to see you with another women" = "it would hurt me to see you with other women but it is ok for me to pursue other relationships"

Blackbird, I see and respect your point, truly do. But my T told me I should be experiencing anger (which is hard for me). this thread has been a way to show anger in some form, so maybe it does help some of us. Laughter helps as well. I laughed.

[Mutt]

"I have to flirt at my job to make money." = "I love you, but I love attention from other men just as much."

"What you did is tantamount to cheating." = "I cheated on you more than once and I feel too guilty to tell you about it."

"They're my c*ckblockers!" = "They're your replacements."

"I need this space to grow if I were to want to return to this someday." = "I need sex from other people for awhile, but you'll be right here waiting for me when I get it out of my system."

"Ignore me then." = "How DARE you not bow before me!"

*silence* = "Who are you again?"

, some new ones I never heard. "They're my c*ockblockers!".  

Sorry these made me laugh but I can definitely relate to all of them.  Why the heck do we still feel we care about them?    

Why do we split our exes black?   Is it because our ex partners caused us a lot of pain? Are we avoiding feeling that pain? Someone else mentioned is this healthy or unhealthy?

[burritoman]

, some new ones I never heard. "They're my c*ockblockers!".   

Sorry these made me laugh but I can definitely relate to all of them.  Why the heck do we still feel we care about them?   

Yup, direct quote. "They're the guys who ward off other men from approaching me!" I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. I've never given a woman so much space and freedom because I never wanted to be controlling. We've been together this long, we've been through some rough times but we've worked through it, and I trust you. I trust YOU to never go behind my back. Then it became you can go out to bars until all hours of the night with men I don't know, but I can't see an old friend (girl) for a coffee?  Nev-er-a-gain will I fall for this.

And if you can answer why we care about them, my friend, you'll be a zillionaire.

[steve195915]

"I have to flirt at my job to make money." = "I love you, but I love attention from other men just as much."

"What you did is tantamount to cheating." = "I cheated on you more than once and I feel too guilty to tell you about it."

"They're my c*ckblockers!" = "They're your replacements."

"I need this space to grow if I were to want to return to this someday." = "I need sex from other people for awhile, but you'll be right here waiting for me when I get it out of my system."

"Ignore me then." = "How DARE you not bow before me!"

*silence* = "Who are you again?"

, some new ones I never heard. "They're my c*ockblockers!".  

Sorry these made me laugh but I can definitely relate to all of them.  Why the heck do we still feel we care about them?    

Why do we split our exes black?   Is it because our ex partners caused us a lot of pain? Are we avoiding feeling that pain? Someone else mentioned is this healthy or unhealthy?

Trust me we are all feeling immense pain.  If we can look back objectively and remember the wrongs done to us, to get a chuckle out if it, to see we weren't the only ones, it can be all part of the healing process.

[Mutt]

Blackbird, I see and respect your point, truly do. But my T told me I should be experiencing anger (which is hard for me). this thread has been a way to show anger in some form, so maybe it does help some of us. Laughter helps as well. I laughed.

Your T gave you good advice. Anger helps us to detach from unhealthy relationships but experiencing anger is not "one size fits all" be careful with unhealthy and healthy anger. What I hear is rationalizing anger.

[fromheeltoheal]

"You don't understand me" = "I don't like myself, I'm deeply ashamed, and if I really showed you who I am you would leave me, everyone does."

"I hate you, everything you do is wrong, you're worthless" = "I hate myself, everything I do is wrong, I'm worthless."

"He's just a friend" = "I'm terrified you're going to leave me, I can't really say why, but I can't live without someone, and he makes me feel connected to someone."

":)id you cheat on me?" = "I cheated on you, I'm ashamed of it, I don't know why I did it, if you knew you'd leave me, I can't say I'm sorry because all the things I'm sorry about would pour out like a dam broke and I would crumble."

"Get away from me!" = "I'm getting so close to you that I feel like I'm going to lose myself in you, disappear, it feels really bad."

"Whaddya say I give you a blow job?" = "It feels like you're getting far from me, thinking of leaving, it must be because I don't matter, I'm ashamed of it, I badly need you to not leave, I'm freaking out, maybe I can keep you with sex, I won't enjoy it, it won't be intimate, but it might make you stay, god I hope this works because I just can't be abandoned again."

[steve195915]

"You don't understand me" = "I don't like myself, I'm deeply ashamed, and if I really showed you who I am you would leave me, everyone does."

"I hate you, everything you do is wrong, you're worthless" = "I hate myself, everything I do is wrong, I'm worthless."

"He's just a friend" = "I'm terrified you're going to leave me, I can't really say why, but I can't live without someone, and he makes me feel connected to someone."

":)id you cheat on me?" = "I cheated on you, I'm ashamed of it, I don't know why I did it, if you knew you'd leave me, I can't say I'm sorry because all the things I'm sorry about would pour out like a dam broke and I would crumble."

"Get away from me!" = "I'm getting so close to you that I feel like I'm going to lose myself in you, disappear, it feels really bad."

"Whaddya say I give you a blow job?" = "It feels like you're getting far from me, thinking of leaving, it must be because I don't matter, I'm ashamed of it, I badly need you to not leave, I'm freaking out, maybe I can keep you with sex, I won't enjoy it, it won't be intimate, but it might make you stay, god I hope this works because I just can't be abandoned again."

Wow!  Very different interpretation then I would have given for my BPDex as I never got any sense that she was never ashamed of any of her actions, never thought lowly of herself, and would never admit guilt or accept responsibility for any of her actions.  For your definitions I actually feel bad for your ex and it seems like there could be hope to change the thinking with proper therapy. 

[Cane787]

Looking just one side of the medal and putting all healing cards on that will come around the corner some day.

I agree with the above comment. Nothing wrong with some laughter but the other site I would visit was so bitter, angry and one sided. None of the latter will help me to understand about her disorder, myself and why I put up with it for so long, then to heal.

My personal goal is to learn and recover. I will always believe she loved me.

As I write this, I received a christmas card from her today. It's been a couple months NC. It hurts because I believe when she wrote our relationship means the world to her, it meant our relationship means the world to her.

What's sad and why it won't ever work is because she can't consistently feel that way without therapy. Why I'm hurting after all she has done is why I need therapy as well.

[fromheeltoheal]

"You don't understand me" = "I don't like myself, I'm deeply ashamed, and if I really showed you who I am you would leave me, everyone does."

"I hate you, everything you do is wrong, you're worthless" = "I hate myself, everything I do is wrong, I'm worthless."

"He's just a friend" = "I'm terrified you're going to leave me, I can't really say why, but I can't live without someone, and he makes me feel connected to someone."

":)id you cheat on me?" = "I cheated on you, I'm ashamed of it, I don't know why I did it, if you knew you'd leave me, I can't say I'm sorry because all the things I'm sorry about would pour out like a dam broke and I would crumble."

"Get away from me!" = "I'm getting so close to you that I feel like I'm going to lose myself in you, disappear, it feels really bad."

"Whaddya say I give you a blow job?" = "It feels like you're getting far from me, thinking of leaving, it must be because I don't matter, I'm ashamed of it, I badly need you to not leave, I'm freaking out, maybe I can keep you with sex, I won't enjoy it, it won't be intimate, but it might make you stay, god I hope this works because I just can't be abandoned again."

Wow!  Very different interpretation then I would have given for my BPDex as I never got any sense that she was never ashamed of any of her actions, never thought lowly of herself, and would never admit guilt or accept responsibility for any of her actions.  For your definitions I actually feel bad for your ex and it seems like there could be hope to change the thinking with proper therapy. 

And remember that was a translation, an articulation that borderlines typically couldn't articulate themselves, they just show up as feelings that are intense, so the psychological tools need to be equally intense, which then show up as behaviors; although my ex fit that mold, I was speaking of borderlines in general, from the core of the disorder, and borderlines can't be accused of denial of them, they are generally unaware of them, just what they feel like.

[steve195915]

"You don't understand me" = "I don't like myself, I'm deeply ashamed, and if I really showed you who I am you would leave me, everyone does."

"I hate you, everything you do is wrong, you're worthless" = "I hate myself, everything I do is wrong, I'm worthless."

"He's just a friend" = "I'm terrified you're going to leave me, I can't really say why, but I can't live without someone, and he makes me feel connected to someone."

":)id you cheat on me?" = "I cheated on you, I'm ashamed of it, I don't know why I did it, if you knew you'd leave me, I can't say I'm sorry because all the things I'm sorry about would pour out like a dam broke and I would crumble."

"Get away from me!" = "I'm getting so close to you that I feel like I'm going to lose myself in you, disappear, it feels really bad."

"Whaddya say I give you a blow job?" = "It feels like you're getting far from me, thinking of leaving, it must be because I don't matter, I'm ashamed of it, I badly need you to not leave, I'm freaking out, maybe I can keep you with sex, I won't enjoy it, it won't be intimate, but it might make you stay, god I hope this works because I just can't be abandoned again."

Wow!  Very different interpretation then I would have given for my BPDex as I never got any sense that she was never ashamed of any of her actions, never thought lowly of herself, and would never admit guilt or accept responsibility for any of her actions.  For your definitions I actually feel bad for your ex and it seems like there could be hope to change the thinking with proper therapy. 

And remember that was a translation, an articulation that borderlines typically couldn't articulate themselves, they just show up as feelings that are intense, so the psychological tools need to be equally intense, which then show up as behaviors; although my ex fit that mold, I was speaking of borderlines in general, from the core of the disorder, and borderlines can't be accused of denial of them, they are generally unaware of them, just what they feel like.

Thank you for your very interesting perspective.

[Joem678]

"You don't want to work on your f"$/&g family"= please take me back!  Your replacement dumped me.

"For the time being, I want a divorce"= I'm trying a new guy out but stick around in case it fails. 

[steve195915]

Looking just one side of the medal and putting all healing cards on that will come around the corner some day.

I agree with the above comment. Nothing wrong with some laughter but the other site I would visit was so bitter, angry and one sided. None of the latter will help me to understand about her disorder, myself and why I put up with it for so long, then to heal.

My personal goal is to learn and recover. I will always believe she loved me.

As I write this, I received a christmas card from her today. It's been a couple months NC. It hurts because I believe when she wrote our relationship means the world to her, it meant our relationship means the world to her.

What's sad and why it won't ever work is because she can't consistently feel that way without therapy. Why I'm hurting after all she has done is why I need therapy as well.

Interesting subject in another thread was discussing how our BPDex's seemed to have split personalities and that was what someone read that pwBPD's exhibit in a certain way.  So maybe your right and she truly meant your relationship means the world to her but it's not consistent once the other split takes over.  Interesting way to look at it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Looking just one side of the medal and putting all healing cards on that will come around the corner some day.

I agree with the above comment. Nothing wrong with some laughter but the other site I would visit was so bitter, angry and one sided. None of the latter will help me to understand about her disorder, myself and why I put up with it for so long, then to heal.

My personal goal is to learn and recover. I will always believe she loved me.

As I write this, I received a christmas card from her today. It's been a couple months NC. It hurts because I believe when she wrote our relationship means the world to her, it meant our relationship means the world to her.

What's sad and why it won't ever work is because she can't consistently feel that way without therapy. Why I'm hurting after all she has done is why I need therapy as well.

Interesting subject in another thread was discussing how our BPDex's seemed to have split personalities and that was what someone read that pwBPD's exhibit in a certain way.  So maybe your right and she truly meant your relationship means the world to her but it's not consistent once the other split takes over.  Interesting way to look at it. 

More accurately borderlines don't have split personalities, they have an unstable sense of self, the result of not having a fully formed 'self' of their own.  Masterson's The Search for the Real Self is an excellent book that not only explains how someone develops the disorder, but how humans in general 'become' autonomous individuals, and what happens when order in that development becomes disorder.

[enlighten me]

[/quote]
Why do we split our exes black?   Is it because our ex partners caused us a lot of pain? Are we avoiding feeling that pain? Someone else mentioned is this healthy or unhealthy?[/quote]
I think painting our exs black is a natural and healthy way to help us detach. Its easier to detach from someone you hate than someone you love. That said it should only be a temporary state.

[once removed]

painting our exes black is a healthy way to detach? it might be common, im not sure id call it natural. it is a very primitive way to detach. hatred isnt detachment. it may feel better than pining.

convincing yourself you hate someone as opposed to accepting you love them, and grieving them, is convoluted. its not authentic to your relationship or yourself.

we frequently and regularly bash people with BPD for this. i do think we should understand and accept it for what it is, but emotional maturity involves seeing people as more complex than black or white.

as an example, i tried it. my ex cheated on me multiple times, and left me for another. she also stole from me, among other things. i legitimately felt as though something was wrong with me for missing her, for feeling literally anything toward her. id listen to eminem. hed tell me i was a badass/hardass and better than this and id try, desperately, failingly, to cling to that feeling, anger felt so much better. it was a relief to learn id been doing nothing but invalidating myself and my feelings. to accept that i had a long history with this person; that i was deeply grieving them and their absence. i wasnt in her head, i dont know that she ever painted me black, but i know that she processed things with very primitive coping skills. it was relieving to know i didnt have to do things the same way.

the problem with a "BPD to english translator" is that we can be awfully selective in our interpretation. pwBPD (who speak english) speak english just fine. in some cases we didnt hear them. in some cases we heard what we wanted to hear. moreover, odds are each of our exes meant exactly what they said at the time; it simply wasnt a sustainable feeling.

ps. none of which is to say i didnt use humor along my way, and i still do . righteous anger is not painting a person black. writing down the negative aspects of the relationship, as a counterbalance, is not painting a person black.

[enlighten me]

painting our exes black is a healthy way to detach? it might be common, im not sure id call it natural. it is a very primitive way to detach. hatred isnt detachment. it may feel better than pining.

convincing yourself you hate someone as opposed to accepting you love them, and grieving them, is convoluted. its not authentic to your relationship or yourself.

we frequently and regularly bash people with BPD for this. i do think we should understand and accept it for what it is, but emotional maturity involves seeing people as more complex than black or white.

as an example, i tried it. my ex cheated on me multiple times, and left me for another. she also stole from me, among other things. i legitimately felt as though something was wrong with me for missing her, for feeling literally anything toward her. id listen to eminem. hed tell me i was a badass/hardass and better than this and id try, desperately, failingly, to cling to that feeling, anger felt so much better. it was a relief to learn id been doing nothing but invalidating myself and my feelings. to accept that i had a long history with this person; that i was deeply grieving them and their absence. i wasnt in her head, i dont know that she ever painted me black, but i know that she processed things with very primitive coping skills. it was relieving to know i didnt have to do things the same way.

the problem with a "BPD to english translator" is that we can be awfully selective in our interpretation. pwBPD (who speak english) speak english just fine. in some cases we didnt hear them. in some cases we heard what we wanted to hear. moreover, odds are each of our exes meant exactly what they said at the time; it simply wasnt a sustainable feeling.

ps. none of which is to say i didnt use humor along my way, and i still do . righteous anger is not painting a person black. writing down the negative aspects of the relationship, as a counterbalance, is not painting a person black.

That is why I said it should only be temporary. The natural reaction when someone hurts you is to want to hurt them. Yes its primitive but a lot of our behaviour is.

If you only concentrate on the negative aspects then isn't that painting them black? Surely writing the negatives and the positives down is a more balanced approach but that will not help you detach as well as you could dwell on the positive.

The reason I see painting black as healthy is that it helps us to detach quicker. Yes it is a quick fix which aren't always a good thing but like with alcohol addiction when someone quits they have to vilify the alcohol and stop. You cant successfully wean yourself off it by reducing your intake.

Once you have got to a safe place then the painting black should end and a more balance view of the relationship can be had.