How many of you fall lightyears back when NC is broken

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex broke NC last night. She does this every 3 weeks or so. It's always about something of mine she has and will be returning. However she never returns it directly to me. It's always she's gonna leave it at "friend/old job/family". Last night I got an email that said "I'm leaving your stuff outside your old work tomorrow". I'm 3k miles away from my old job but at this point, fine. Leave it. I responded with nothing more than "ok". She proceeded to ask me a question after. I didn't respond. I arranged my sister to go get it and ship it to me. However the minute I saw her name come up in my email my anxiety pegged, ruined my night. I was up all night with nightmares, sweating, crying at points and now today I'm nothing but anxious. I never break NC. I am trying my hardest to keep myself together but every time she finds a way to contact me I fall all the way down the ladder. I'm sure I'm not alone just feeling helpless today.

[JSF13]

My ex broke NC last night. She does this every 3 weeks or so. It's always about something of mine she has and will be returning. However she never returns it directly to me. It's always she's gonna leave it at "friend/old job/family". Last night I got an email that said "I'm leaving your stuff outside your old work tomorrow". I'm 3k miles away from my old job but at this point, fine. Leave it. I responded with nothing more than "ok". She proceeded to ask me a question after. I didn't respond. I arranged my sister to go get it and ship it to me. However the minute I saw her name come up in my email my anxiety pegged, ruined my night. I was up all night with nightmares, sweating, crying at points and now today I'm nothing but anxious. I never break NC. I am trying my hardest to keep myself together but every time she finds a way to contact me I fall all the way down the ladder. I'm sure I'm not alone just feeling helpless today.

[kc sunshine]

oh man, I hear you. I guess this is why they suggest we block their numbers, etc. What do you think about blocking her?

[thisworld]

Can you get a no-contact order?

[JSF13]

The only way she can contact me is via email. Everything else is blocked.

[thisworld]

Have you thought of automatically sending everything to the bin box - unless you have shared assets or children? Let people call you if they have your stuff. It's not a big deal compared to the torment you find yourself in after these communications.

How many light years? When triggered (not necessarily by this ex) I fall back to my childhood wounds sometimes, FOO issues with events I don't remember anymore, they hurt nevertheless. I feel the hurt in my organs. But you know what? Actually, we fall back but do not travel a linear road. Falling back 2000 light years doesn't mean you have to re-travel all that road. You fall back 2000 light years, stand up (200 light years) and carry on. The difference between is your established healing. It never fully goes away.

Good luck

[Mutt]

JSF13,

I felt the same way. I had a Blackberry phone at the time and I would feel anxiety when the orange message indicator went off because I thought that it was a message from my ex.

We have kids so I couldn't completely block her. I installed an app that blocked her messages to my phone because that's where I read most if not all emails. I could read the emails on Gmail on the web.

Most of the emails where not emergencies so I set Thursday nights to check her emails. The day before switch on / switch off with the kids. I tried to relax and read the emails.

I didn't want to get bombarded with emails that weren't valid and didn't require a response every day of the week because I felt a lot of anxiety and set back. It helped me with speeding up my recovery.

[hopealways]

I guess we all fall back unless we have had enough time to heal and 3 weeks just isn't enough time. Hang in there.

[cloudten]

I used to before the restraining order... .and it was every 3 weeks without fail.

[JSF13]

This whole thing has been the most traumatic experience I have had in my life. Let me tell you I have been through some really rough stuff in life (abusive family, financial struggles, other failed relationships) but this for some reason takes the cake. I am no stranger to struggle but nothing ever really breaks me down in 35 yrs till this. Now I'm just not in a good place over this. As I start to get stronger, regain myself (I completely lost myself for about 18 months), She pops back in to discuss miscellanious objects of mine she has and will drop off at random places instead of just sending to me. She could send Hi and it will just wreck me for like 2 days. Like I said My responses are direct one answer or nothing at all. Just completely breaks my foundation all over that I am trying so hard to rebuild. Never have I felt so awful.

[JSF13]

With that she just emailed me again asking if I got my stuff?  I didn't reply

[Mutt]

This whole thing has been the most traumatic experience I have had in my life. Let me tell you I have been through some really rough stuff in life (abusive family, financial struggles, other failed relationships) but this for some reason takes the cake. I am no stranger to struggle but nothing ever really breaks me down in 35 yrs till this.

I wrote similar words 3 years ago. I had a tough life too and I thought I had went through everything before a relationship break-up with a pwBPD. I felt worried because I'm a fighter and I felt like I might not have enough fight in me to get through it. It gets better.

[JSF13]

I wrote similar words 3 years ago. I had a tough life too and I thought I had went through everything before a relationship break-up with a pwBPD. I felt worried because I'm a fighter and I felt like I might not have enough fight in me to get through it. It gets better.[/quote]
Just seeing her name is crushing to me. Through this board I have learned this isn't me and no matter what I had done there was no chance of me being able to help or make her better but FFFFFFFF Like idk why I just break easily for only her. Anything else I've always been whatever to. I know all the horrible things she has done and yet I cannot hate her because its the illness not her. I think thats what kills me.

[Mutt]

I wrote similar words 3 years ago. I had a tough life too and I thought I had went through everything before a relationship break-up with a pwBPD. I felt worried because I'm a fighter and I felt like I might not have enough fight in me to get through it. It gets better.

Just seeing her name is crushing to me. Through this board I have learned this isn't me and no matter what I had done there was no chance of me being able to help or make her better but FFFFFFFF Like idk why I just break easily for only her. Anything else I've always been whatever to. I know all the horrible things she has done and yet I cannot hate her because its the illness not her. I think thats what kills me. [/quote]
You suffered a traumatic experience. It takes time to sort through all of this.

[Herodias]

It is traumatic Mutt... .other people just don't get it. They tell me to just get over it... .that I have been sad too long. I am not even divorced! I am glad to be able to have some where to come to to "talk" it out. It's heartbreaking...

[JSF13]

It is traumatic Mutt... .other people just don't get it. They tell me to just get over it... .that I have been sad too long. I am not even divorced! I am glad to be able to have some where to come to to "talk" it out. It's heartbreaking...

100%. Most everyone I know is like dude let go already and shut up. She was so awful to you. A few weeks back she said she was doing fine and moved on but heartbroken and just wanted what she had of mine gone. "Heartbroken"? That blew my mind

[cloudten]

What can you do to block her emails and texts and things?

I had to cut absolutely every single tie to mine. I broke off friendships. I deleted facebook. I have his emails filtering to my trash.

You are absolutely in control of what comes into your world. She is throwing you breadcrumbs. You may not be able to stop her from trying, but you can control what you see. Trust me, it makes ALL the difference. It hurts, it sucks... .but it makes every bit of difference. Don't let things into your life that hurt you. Her contact is hurting you. Don't allow it in your life.

[Mutt]

It is traumatic Mutt... .other people just don't get it. They tell me to just get over it... .that I have been sad too long. I am not even divorced! I am glad to be able to have some where to come to to "talk" it out. It's heartbreaking...

100%. Most everyone I know is like dude let go already and shut up. She was so awful to you. A few weeks back she said she was doing fine and moved on but heartbroken and just wanted what she had of mine gone. "Heartbroken"? That blew my mind

I know. My friends and family said similar things and they were tired of it. My sister told me 6 weeks after the break-up and another two months before I found bpdfamily to "get over it" I was married for several years and we have kids together. She had an affair and abruptly left me, went no contact and took the kids with her and refused reasonable access. It was traumatic.

What does that mean to be told to let go of it already? I think that friends / family care but sometimes they don't know what to say or how to help when you have suffered an emotional wound. I think that it's also invalidating but they likely don't know better. I think that instead of going around the pain that it helps to reflect and go directly through the pain.

[thisworld]

Yes, it's very invalidating. Because of narc mom, I used to react very strongly to this. But now I can empathize to a degree and think "Ah, maybe deep down they are feeling helpless and don't know what to do." Doesn't mean we shouldn't feel invalidated though. If we do, we do. Still, it helps me soothe myself at that moment.

[Joem678]

I've been in NC for over two months with my wife of 19 years.  They will not respect this boundary.  You need to expect them to try and get you to respond.  Don't respond.  It's when we respond that we hit the reset button on NC and our emotions.  You will learn to ignore them.  It will eventually get you upset because they are not respecting your boundaries

I have four kids with her.  I've only had to respond once because my youngest was sick. It's like I had broken the Charm dam because when I did, a flood of text messages came through. 

Be strong!  It helps and works!

[JSF13]

She emailed me 5 times yesterday getting more and more emotional about me not responding. I woke up to an email from her basically begging me to respond. I also received a few calls from my sister. I called her back to find out my ex had contacted her saying to have me call. My sister responded with he doesn't want to talk to you. You hurt him really bad and he was very in love with you. My ex got angry and aggressive and started devaluing me again to my sister who stopped responding.