I don't know if my ex GF has BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, I'm new here, but I found the site and it has been helpful to deal with my break up. One thing that keep my head spinning is that I'm not sure if my ex GF has BPD. She was very abusive at the end of the relationship, with verbal humiliations and blaming. One of her most significant characteristics is that she didn't took any responsability for our problems at the end, and instead, she put all the blame to me. For example, she accused me for not taking her out for dinner to fancy restaurants more frequently (and the reason is that I didn't had enough money). Another thing is that she tended to establish a lot of comparisons between her and one of my ex GFs. Essentially, she was always blaming me for the kind of relationship that I had with my previous ex GF (the one that I broke up 5 months before I started dating her). At the end, She broke up with me, because I was a "bas person" and because I didn't did everything for the relationship. I don't know if she is for sure a BPD, but a lot of her traits are very similar.

[Kain]

Hi, I'm new here, but I found the site and it has been helpful to deal with my break up. One thing that keep my head spinning is that I'm not sure if my ex GF has BPD. She was very abusive at the end of the relationship, with verbal humiliations and blaming. One of her most significant characteristics is that she didn't took any responsability for our problems at the end, and instead, she put all the blame to me. For example, she accused me for not taking her out for dinner to fancy restaurants more frequently (and the reason is that I didn't had enough money). Another thing is that she tended to establish a lot of comparisons between her and one of my ex GFs. Essentially, she was always blaming me for the kind of relationship that I had with my previous ex GF (the one that I broke up 5 months before I started dating her). At the end, She broke up with me, because I was a "bas person" and because I didn't did everything for the relationship. I don't know if she is for sure a BPD, but a lot of her traits are very similar.

[blackbirdsong]

The most important question at the end is: ":)oes it even matter?"

Considering the things you are describing, it is better for you to not be in a toxic relationship with this person.

[Kain]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I was thinking a lot about that lately, and for some reason I am still hoping for a change in her heart. I went No Contact after the break up a month ago, but last week, she called me at 6:30 a.m., just to tell me that she wanted to se how I was doing and that she miss me. I was a little cold with her that day, and after the conversation she never contacted me again. When I think about the bad things in the relationship at the end, is easy to see how she was escalating her behavior. For example, she started the raise her voice, or invalidating my feelings, telling me that I didn't felt anything and that my love for her was love for another woman. Her jealous and need for control was getting to extreme. If I had a launch with one of my female co-workers, she jumped to the conclusion that I was sleeping with her. If I had to go to a work travel, she thought that I was interested in that travel to be with someone. And at the end, that kind of situations ended up in a fight. The most frustrating thing for me were the times when I was willing to compromise and find a solution to our problems, but she jumped to another topic or problem and the fight continued.

I know that her behavior at the end wasn't healthy for me, but is too difficult to get her out of my head or to resist the urge to go after her.

Thank you for your support.

[Mutt]

Hi Kain,

I know that her behavior at the end wasn't healthy for me, but is too difficult to get her out of my head or to resist the urge to go after her.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how confusing, frustrating and painful your ex partners behaviors are. We're not doctors and cannot diagnose but what we can look at are traits of the borderline personality type. I think that it helps to learn BPD pathology to make sense of the relationship experience that we went through and it helps us to depersonalize the behaviors.

A person with BPD ( pwBPD ) feel emotions more intensely and longer than a non disordered person and feel more negative feelings that positive ones. Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder. Guilt is feeling like you did something wrong, shame is feeling like there is something wrong with you.

One of her most significant characteristics is that she didn't took any responsability for our problems at the end, and instead, she put all the blame to me.

We all subconsciously project negative actions and feelings but a pwBPD will project to the extreme. I understand how frustrating that feels when you are blamed for someone else's behaviors and actions but she can't cope with negative feelings about herself and projects her actions and feelings. My ex wife is undiagnosed and I didn't know that projection or also known as blame shifting is a psychological reaction with unpleasant feelings. It wasn't after a few years passed that I noticed that she always blamed me and didn't take responsibility for her own feelings. I thought how can someone always be right and that there is something wrong with my ex wife.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

How do you feel after your phone conversation? I know that you said that you were cold towards her and it looks like you are looking for answers but did you feel anger, hurt, confused? I'm glad that you have found us   Many members here can relate with you and it helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.