Feeling devastated and sick to my stomach

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Herodias,

My BPDh wanted to remain friends.  For what?  So he could show me pictures of his kid?  No thanks!  Like yours this is such a twisted and utterly thoughtless way if thinking.  I'm glad I told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again which included no friendship.

Your comment on happiness is spot on.  I don't believe in happiness in the sense that when someone asks are you happy?  Happiness is a fleeting emotion.  Perhaps when someone asks that question they should follow it up with at this moment.  I believe in moments of happiness that come from culminating joy.  Better yet, I believe in contentment and satisfaction. 

I believe we are good people and that we do deserve joyous contentment.  My BPD would say often that he's not happy.  I don't think he'll ever be happy.  He's chasing something that doesn't exist.

I'm 47years old but don't look or feel like it.  Other than gaining some weight, which I'm currently working hard to loose, I'm still fairly attractive and have a lot to offer.  I have a loving supportive family, great friends, my health, a good job and I can take care of myself financially. I hope someday soon I can get past this pain and start actively searching for someone to share my life with. I miss the companionship and touch from a significant other.

I don't feel entitled or feel like I deserve anything special because of what I've been through.  What I do know is that I/we didn't deserve the treatment from our BPD's. They say the best revenge is living a good life and I intend to do exact that once my heart and head are on the same page.

[heartbroken25]

Herodias,

My BPDh wanted to remain friends.  For what?  So he could show me pictures of his kid?  No thanks!  Like yours this is such a twisted and utterly thoughtless way if thinking.  I'm glad I told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again which included no friendship.

Your comment on happiness is spot on.  I don't believe in happiness in the sense that when someone asks are you happy?  Happiness is a fleeting emotion.  Perhaps when someone asks that question they should follow it up with at this moment.  I believe in moments of happiness that come from culminating joy.  Better yet, I believe in contentment and satisfaction. 

I believe we are good people and that we do deserve joyous contentment.  My BPD would say often that he's not happy.  I don't think he'll ever be happy.  He's chasing something that doesn't exist.

I'm 47years old but don't look or feel like it.  Other than gaining some weight, which I'm currently working hard to loose, I'm still fairly attractive and have a lot to offer.  I have a loving supportive family, great friends, my health, a good job and I can take care of myself financially. I hope someday soon I can get past this pain and start actively searching for someone to share my life with. I miss the companionship and touch from a significant other.

I don't feel entitled or feel like I deserve anything special because of what I've been through.  What I do know is that I/we didn't deserve the treatment from our BPD's. They say the best revenge is living a good life and I intend to do exact that once my heart and head are on the same page.

[heartbroken25]

Herodias,

I also wanted to state that I don't wish anything bad on my replacement.  Yes, she knew he was married but she did not break our marriage up.  Also, who knows what of the truth (or lies, or both) my BPDh told her.  Still, I would never get involved with someone married or probably even someone that's separated, too risky.  Interestingly enough, he only started divorce proceedings about the time she was 3 months pregnant, just saying.

From what she was posting on FB he really hooked her.  Only two months into their relationship she was stating how sad she'd be if her relationship with him ended and how lucky she felt to have him.  I also gather she must have some self esteem issues and was desperate to have a relationship.  She's in her very late 30's has never been married and her biological clock was ticking.  She got pregnant within 5 months of them dating.

Of course with me stating these things, I don't deny that I probably have similar issues.  Why did I stay so long? I knew he had BPD.  Did I feel I didn't deserve better?

Maybe I'm a prude since I've never really dated or never slept with anyone except my BPDh (lost my virginity to him) but I could never imagine having unprotected sex with someone I've only known for a few months.  Maybe it was her plan?  Who knows.  My therapist said that water rises to it's own level. So perhaps she's just as messed up as him?  She will definitely be bonded to him now that they will have a child together.  My guess is that it will go either two ways: she will stick with him because of her insecurity or she'll figure it out and kick him to the curb.  The third option is he will be so freaked out that he will jump ship.  He freaked out so many times in our relationship and always ran, but always came back, and we didn't even have a child together! He has no job, she's supporting him, he's moving to a foreign country and will be surrounded by her, new baby, and her family.  If that doesn't freak him out, then either he's completely done a 180 and changed or he's latched on for the comfort of her supporting her.  Or maybe he's grown up and is capable of real adult love?    I have to keep remembering what my therapist said.  "He is a very sick individual and will not turn into prince charming overnight."

Yes, she's an adult and also knows right from wrong, but she was probably duped.  He probably sensed her desperation and the love and adoration she gave by stroking his ego by making him feel he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  I used to do that too, but ran out of steam when he sucked all the life out of me.  I don't blame her, but feel sorry for her.  The most innocent one in this whole equation is that child.  I'm not ashamed to say that I hope that Karma strikes him down.  He knows he's sick and yet got involved with someone and is now bringing a child into this world.

Either way, it's not my problem anymore.  I'm still waiting for divorce papers.  Chances are since the holidays are here, nothing will be done until the new year. She's due within the first two weeks of the new year.  Will he still be legally married to me when the child arrives?  We will see.

[Herodias]

Heartbroken,

       I can't believe how similar our stories are... except for the time you have spent with your husband. I am so very sorry for you. I understand how you feel. I spent 9 years (7 married) with mine, feeling like I was being so supportive. Just to be tossed aside. Makes you think- why did we bother? I am glad you are working on yourself. It does make you feel better. I gained allot of weight with mine, stress eating. I have lost 25 pounds, but have some more to go. Holidays are too hard for that ; )   I know how you feel about the "replacement"... .She did cheat with him a couple years ago though and he recycled her to form a relationship when the other woman in my bed last Xmas didn't stick... .although my gut tells me that one  is still around... .she seems like  a woman who is just is in it for sport! She became friends on FB with the new gf over the summer! That's just creepy! I am finally not interested in anything this new one has to say on there. I watched all the love-bombing on there myself. Then all of her articles on how a relationship "should" be, which tells me there was some trouble. He never reads those things and usually would yell at me for sending him anything to read like that! This one left her husband for him and he filed adultery on her. She posted " I left everything I had to be out from being controlled", so I wonder if that poor guy was running around putting out fires as well. I know he asked her to stop working at the jail and when she was working with my husband, they were written up for fooling around and he came to the store and had her transferred to another one. The crazy thing was that they moved him to the store she was at last Jan. I guess they forgot! So be it... .She always posted stuff about Karma, well, she is about to get it. I still think we are having a chance to see what life would have been like if we had a child with them. (I had a miscarriage and feel like I was spared) These poor women have no clue what they are in for... .we have to know we are much better off! Can you just imagine the control and the abuse that will happen now? I can... .I am sure she will be told what a bad Mother she is! I am so fortunate to have my own life... .I think if we can get our divorces and not feel so attached, we may be able to move on better... .at least that's how I feel. I am just now beginning to feel repulsed by him. I don't even like the idea of him touching me. He asked to come over a couple weeks ago and I said no. Feels good. He is all dis-regulated now- I sent him an email about how he can pay me my alimony (which he agreed on and offered himself) with out us having a joint account together. He just went off e-mailing and texting me like crazy all angry. He even put in an email that he was under duress when we filed... .and that I knew he has been committed 4 times! I can't believe he said that in an email! I have to save that to send the gf if ever necessary, She has a therapist friend, I really doubt they even know about his disorder! I just let him rage at me and ignored him... .Feels good to be on the outside and not react or have to deal with it. Imagine how these women will be with their children and adult child! Imagine the jealousy our husbands will feel over the baby! Imagine how quickly they will be out cheating... .I know we are better off. Hopefully there is a peaceful life ahead for us! Take care and try not to be upset... .I know how hard it is... .we don't have to wish them anything bad... .I even said a prayer for the baby at church... .We know how their life will be. It's not good. Oh, and I saw a Dear Abby post about the "side chicks" and how they get pregnant to get child support out of married men... .I sent it to my husband... .he said "Oh, you weren't kidding"... .DUH! Idiot! Someone I know that doesn't really know know about mental illness and I were talking. After I told her some of the stuff he did and she said, "what an ass!"... .I laughed. It is as simple as that really. We are so busy making excuses for them. They are just plain asss, Most women would have run along time ago. All we can do is work on ourselves as much as we tried to help them! We deserve ourselves more than they do! Don't worry, he has not grown up ( I thought that too)... .and he doesn't know what "adult love" is. Someone told me, in this day and age, if you get pregnant you meant to do it... I tend to agree. I am thinking mine will "jump ship." Probably will bring a women into her bed! I feel like the life was sucked out of me too. I just couldn't deal with the drama anymore. We will be ok... .we have to have hope and believe that.His Mother sent me an Xmas card... .It said have a peaceful and happy Xmas. She knows all too well and she is stuck with him for life. At least at a distance.  Oh, and in some states if you have a baby with a woman husband, the wife has a right to the husbands baby! I saw that on the internet! I told my husband I had a right to the baby, to freak him out! he said " why would you try and take something that is not yours"... .I said don't be ridiculous! I just want you to know that you need to check out the laws before you go making assumptions,   I sometimes like to mess with him now- It's only fair ; ) Take care,  xoxo

[heartbroken25]

I think if we can get our divorces and not feel so attached, we may be able to move on better... .at least that's how I feel.

Yes.  Agreed, Herodias.

Most women would have run along time ago. All we can do is work on ourselves as much as we tried to help them!

Herodias, we are not like most women.  Overly kind, compassionate, caring, putting others needs before ours, loyal, dedicated, believes in the good of others, and in my case, just plain stupid! 

I still keep ruminating about how I was ready to leave; before the diagnosis (although I was the one that told him I suspected he had BPD), before he entered DBT therapy, before I married him.  Would he have pulled me back in anyway?  Would I have allowed it?  Why didn't I do more research on BPD?  I put all my faith in thinking that DBT was the end all be all cure that would fix him and make him whole.  I believed he was really committed to DBT (4 years of therapy).  I am definitely working on myself and grieving this process as my therapist suggested, however, I really need to work on coming to terms with how to forgive myself.