A word of encouragement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey there!

I haven't been here for quite a while... .

Quick update, I've met my xBPDso for lunch with a common friend the other day after she contacted me over fb messanger to share a good old memory that popped up.

I felt a mix of emotions ranging from excitement to anxiety. I was very happy to see her and catch up and at the same time angry with her about stuff she did and the way she treated me.

After learning so much about BPD and analyzing the hell I went through I could finally see her the way she is - both positively and negatively. The haze cleared out. And the best thing is that I survived the interaction with no pain, no ruminations about the past, nor false expectations about the future. Just presently appreciating what I have, who I am, and the people I have close and mutual relationships with.

I really appreciate this site and message board and I'd like to personally thank Skip and the rest of the team for being here for me and so many others.   

[trappedinlove]

Hey there!

I haven't been here for quite a while... .

Quick update, I've met my xBPDso for lunch with a common friend the other day after she contacted me over fb messanger to share a good old memory that popped up.

I felt a mix of emotions ranging from excitement to anxiety. I was very happy to see her and catch up and at the same time angry with her about stuff she did and the way she treated me.

After learning so much about BPD and analyzing the hell I went through I could finally see her the way she is - both positively and negatively. The haze cleared out. And the best thing is that I survived the interaction with no pain, no ruminations about the past, nor false expectations about the future. Just presently appreciating what I have, who I am, and the people I have close and mutual relationships with.

I really appreciate this site and message board and I'd like to personally thank Skip and the rest of the team for being here for me and so many others.   

[once removed]

hey trappedinlove 

welcome back! good for you, it sounds like you have had the opportunity to do a lot of processing and detaching and it showed. how long has it been since the split?

[trappedinlove]

hey trappedinlove  

welcome back! good for you, it sounds like you have had the opportunity to do a lot of processing and detaching and it showed. how long has it been since the split?

Hi once removed, it's been almost two years and a half since our ways split. We've been in LC ever since and remained friends on facebook. In some respects it was and is harder to cope with but OTOH it helped me with my detaching process by forcing me to acknowledge the break up and face it. I applied mindfulness techniques to cope with my triggers with the help of a good therapist, and of course shared and consulted this site as well as a close friend of mine (exgf, btw). I moved on in several ways. First, I'm in a stable and loving r/s for over a year and a half and I developed new interests, separate from the common interest we had and common friends that shared it. And that allowed me to rebuild my social life and find great happiness in it and terrific people.

[Aussie0zborn]

What a great outcome for you. I feared for the worst while reading the first paragraph but this is great. Well done. Thanks for sharing.

[Sunfl0wer]

Good stuff trappedinlove!   

It sounds like you are doing great processing and integrating the experience.  This is challenging when our partners present with so many behaviors that are hard to make sense of, good work!

It also sounds like you are enjoying a much healthier relationship now, congrats!  I am grateful for you sharing and adding to my own hope.

I recently finished the book: Attachment, and am still curious and making connections from this info.

I hope you don't mind me asking... .

What attachment style would you say your current partner has?

Anxious - I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

Secure - I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

Avoidant - I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

_{I feel I have a combo secure/anxious attachment style and following my listening to this book, I realize my ex had an avoidant attachment.  I now know that I would never try to seek out an avoidant again... .as we both exacerbated the other's anxieties.  I am, however, more confident to see how simple choice and awareness can help me bond healthy to a partner vs feeling my bonding ways are doomed and broken.} 

[once removed]

hey trappedinlove  

welcome back! good for you, it sounds like you have had the opportunity to do a lot of processing and detaching and it showed. how long has it been since the split?

Hi once removed, it's been almost two years and a half since our ways split. We've been in LC ever since and remained friends on facebook. In some respects it was and is harder to cope with but OTOH it helped me with my detaching process by forcing me to acknowledge the break up and face it. I applied mindfulness techniques to cope with my triggers with the help of a good therapist, and of course shared and consulted this site as well as a close friend of mine (exgf, btw). I moved on in several ways. First, I'm in a stable and loving r/s for over a year and a half and I developed new interests, separate from the common interest we had and common friends that shared it. And that allowed me to rebuild my social life and find great happiness in it and terrific people.

what a hard and well fought recovery, trappedinlove. i can see how meeting with her would both resurface and ultimately help clear a lot of feelings. great work and cheers to your new and better life 

[trappedinlove]

Good stuff trappedinlove!  

It sounds like you are doing great processing and integrating the experience.  This is challenging when our partners present with so many behaviors that are hard to make sense of, good work!

It also sounds like you are enjoying a much healthier relationship now, congrats!  I am grateful for you sharing and adding to my own hope.

I recently finished the book: Attachment, and am still curious and making connections from this info.

I hope you don't mind me asking... .

What attachment style would you say your current partner has?

Anxious - I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

Secure - I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

Avoidant - I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

_{I feel I have a combo secure/anxious attachment style and following my listening to this book, I realize my ex had an avoidant attachment.  I now know that I would never try to seek out an avoidant again... .as we both exacerbated the other's anxieties.  I am, however, more confident to see how simple choice and awareness can help me bond healthy to a partner vs feeling my bonding ways are doomed and broken.}  

Hi Sunfl0wer, thanks for your response!

I found the spectrum of choices you described a bit too narrow. My current relationship doesn't seem to fall to any of these categories... .

My current partner experienced abandonment in her childhood and that affected her attachment patterns throughout her life. She always found it hard to get attached and only in this relationship she lets herself fully trust me and open up emotiinally and physically. On the other hand I feel she is still somewhat insecure and anxious so when the ride gets a little rocky fron time to time she is quick to temporarily detach, emotionally, so to protect herself.

Not sure what category / personality type / relationship type you'd put that in... .

Hope that helps.

TIL