Is imperative NC a good thing after the healing process

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am wondering about NC rule.

The first thing you see as a advice when the relationship with BPD partner is over is that you need to go NC.

Now I am wondering what is the real purpose of NC and how long should we keep it as mandatory.

There is no doubt that NC (currently over 1 month) has helped me a lot. It gave me a time to reconsider all the things that were present in my relationship. I don't consider that I am healed, I am still hurt and it will take me a lot more time to recover.

I am now in the phase that I also (extremely) feel sorry for my exBPDgf. I really, really do. Considering all the facts that I have learned about BPD, I don't see her as "a monster" like I did after I ended our relationship. I was deeply wounded by this relationship, but I would never change places with her. I only imagine it must be a living hell every day to go through BPD.

This also triggers my savior complex again in this healing phase. I feel sorry for her and it invokes emphatic feeling in me that I want to help her. I still care of her, but I believe in a different way... .There are still doubts in me, but I think we could never be happy together (it is very hard for me to write this sentence, since I am not 100% sure that it is true, or that it will ever be)

Anyone else has experience with this phase/feelings? 

Also, let's get back to NC. I see it as mechanism that enables our healing process. But what when you are "healed". Is it then wrong to practice NC? I mean, not in the way that we need to contact our ex partners, but just not practice so mandatory NC and think about it as something that needs to be applied.

To me it seems a bit counterproductive after you think that you are healed. For example, let us consider an illustrative example if you break a leg. With broken leg, you go to hospital and they give you an orthopedic cast to immobilize your leg. This orthopedic cast (NC in your case) gives you a possibility to heal. But after you are healed, you don't need it anymore, actually - it stands in your way of complete healing and functioning after the wound is healed.

So, I am not talking necessary about contacting and breaking NC, I am just talking about not caring if your partner is blocked on FB, text message applications, will you see heR/him in public etc.

OR?

We should still practice NC rule, but this time - because of them?

Like I said, I feel sorry for her also (but this time I also feel sorry for myself), and I think that in the future I would like to speak with her again, but I am not sure what the real purpose of this conversation will be. I believe I won't get any closure or something like that, and maybe it will just make things worse for her if I contact her after NC becomes irrelevant for me. 

[blackbirdsong]

I am wondering about NC rule.

The first thing you see as a advice when the relationship with BPD partner is over is that you need to go NC.

Now I am wondering what is the real purpose of NC and how long should we keep it as mandatory.

There is no doubt that NC (currently over 1 month) has helped me a lot. It gave me a time to reconsider all the things that were present in my relationship. I don't consider that I am healed, I am still hurt and it will take me a lot more time to recover.

I am now in the phase that I also (extremely) feel sorry for my exBPDgf. I really, really do. Considering all the facts that I have learned about BPD, I don't see her as "a monster" like I did after I ended our relationship. I was deeply wounded by this relationship, but I would never change places with her. I only imagine it must be a living hell every day to go through BPD.

This also triggers my savior complex again in this healing phase. I feel sorry for her and it invokes emphatic feeling in me that I want to help her. I still care of her, but I believe in a different way... .There are still doubts in me, but I think we could never be happy together (it is very hard for me to write this sentence, since I am not 100% sure that it is true, or that it will ever be)

Anyone else has experience with this phase/feelings? 

Also, let's get back to NC. I see it as mechanism that enables our healing process. But what when you are "healed". Is it then wrong to practice NC? I mean, not in the way that we need to contact our ex partners, but just not practice so mandatory NC and think about it as something that needs to be applied.

To me it seems a bit counterproductive after you think that you are healed. For example, let us consider an illustrative example if you break a leg. With broken leg, you go to hospital and they give you an orthopedic cast to immobilize your leg. This orthopedic cast (NC in your case) gives you a possibility to heal. But after you are healed, you don't need it anymore, actually - it stands in your way of complete healing and functioning after the wound is healed.

So, I am not talking necessary about contacting and breaking NC, I am just talking about not caring if your partner is blocked on FB, text message applications, will you see heR/him in public etc.

OR?

We should still practice NC rule, but this time - because of them?

Like I said, I feel sorry for her also (but this time I also feel sorry for myself), and I think that in the future I would like to speak with her again, but I am not sure what the real purpose of this conversation will be. I believe I won't get any closure or something like that, and maybe it will just make things worse for her if I contact her after NC becomes irrelevant for me. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Is it imperative to maintain NC after healing? Yes, indeed. I think NC is for life.

I feel sorry for my ex too, but she's not my problem any more. I am not responsible for her any more. Nothing to do with me.

If you're seeking closure at any point, I'm not sure you're going to get it and what you do get will be unsatisfactory as some people here have reported.  Why break that leg again when you have thrown out that old cast and the hospitals are all closed?

I would think that putting your hand in the fire will always burn you no matter what.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey BBS-

Not contacting your ex is not a rule, it's a tool, one we can use to detach.  If we've suffered abuse, like the "deeply wounded" you mention, we need time away from that to heal and detach, plus, when we're emotionally enmeshed with our abuser we are trauma bonded, and the longer we stay in a trauma bond, the harder it is to leave.  So you might want to look at what you call your savior complex and see how much of it is that and how much is a trauma bond.

And then, as you detach, the fog clears, and you get your feet on the ground, your perception of yourself, your ex and the relationship will change, and you'll be able to look at it more objectively.

And yes, compassion for our exes might show up, once we get a good understanding of the disorder and the difficult lives borderlines lead.  And for me, someone who treats me the way she did is not allowed in my life, ever, and sure, it sucks to have the disorder but she gets to deal with it without me.  You may end up in a different place with your ex, but give yourself time first; a month isn't very long, in fact it's just enough time to get the her influence out of your life and how you really feel is just starting to show up, so stay the course and you can always make those decisions later.

[cosmonaut]

No contact isn't in any way required.  :)etaching happens internally.  It doesn't depend on contact, no contact, or other external factors.  It happens inside.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having contact.  :)on't believe for a second that it will somehow destroy your recovery.  If it does, you weren't recovered in the first place.  That just means we have more work still to do.  

[hopealways]

If we are truly healed, then we would not want to even have NC with someone so destructive.

[once removed]

probably 90% of the time if not more, couples that break up do not really remain friends and dont talk much ever again (nothing inherently wrong if you do). thats just how it goes. its not "NC" as a lifestyle.

i havent spoken to my ex in nearly five years. either of us could contact the other, we arent blocked. its highly unlikely, and i know i wont be contacting her, but if she were to contact me, i might respond, but i almost certainly wouldnt; i see nothing good coming from it, possibly bad coming from it, there is nothing to discuss and im not interested in how shes been. thats my situation and my feelings, none of that is the case for everyone nor does it have to be. it would not set me back though, and i do not consider it "NC" any more than im "NC" with say, a friend i grew apart from years ago.

its really all about space, for ourselves, and our former partners, as it is after any breakup. some space is useful for healing (its not always possible). how much space is needed is unique to each individual.