I may be dealing with more than BPD

[Seeks]

Things had been going better with my dBPDgf  since she moved out two months ago. This was our third try at living together in our five-year relationship.  As in our previous attempts, she began to dysregulate at two months, moved to sleeping on the couch, then to breaking up, then to finding some guy to text or becoming active on an online dating site.  As far as I know she has never actually met any of these guys.

Last month we recycled and she blocked the guy she was texting.  We became close, and decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend again.

We had been surprisingly close,  navigating through  her mood swings nearly unscathed.

Which is good considering it's the holidays, she just had her 35th birthday, she is in finals at job training, she is on a new diet, stopped drinking alcohol, is having financial trouble, and my mother and her grandmother passed away last week.

It's been a roller coaster month to though that finally nosedived yesterday.

My GF was raised without intimacy.  As a baby if she cried she was locked in a room and left.  She was not allowed to be held and denied physical contact. This continued throughout her childhood. She was also sexually abused from ages 6-12. Her mother shared this information with me a few months ago and it has helped me make sense of our situation and how she reacts to me.

She went on a diet a month ago and stopped drinking because of it. She usually drank a few shots here and there to help her with her sleeping difficulties and bad dreams.

She also needed a few shots in order to relax enough to enjoy sexual intimacy. Without alcohol, the PTSD and trauma she felt became blatantly apparent. She became very quiet and withdrawn unable to focus on a conversation. In bed she was a willing ragdoll. Sex when she was in the state was not enjoyable, nor something I think I can do again.

Several days ago when I was there I stocked her cupboards with food. I bought many of the vegetables and low cal foods she likes. On occasion throughout the years she has accused me of sabotaging her on and off again diet.

Yesterday she attacked me via text saying I had put Crisco oil in her flaxseed and if I admitted to doing it she would be mad but she would get over it. But if I lied and said I did not do it she would never speak to me again. In one of the many subsequent texts she said it was a white substance, insinuating that I was possibly poisoning her.

Of course it wasn't something I did so I was not going to say such.

Today I took her a couple of things she needed and talked to her in person as I don't argue or talk about anything serious via text.  It is a boundary I have put into place.

She refused to listen to anything I had to say unless it was an apology for putting something in her flaxseed. She claims she took it to the grocery store and they confirmed it had a foreign substance in it.

I used SET with no effect. I did make it a point to touch on the seriousness of the allegations of me poisoning her. She then denied she said that, but that I did put something in her Flax seeds.

She was dysregulating and I saw no point of staying and trying to carry the conversation further.

Right after I left she texted that she sent the seeds to her lab partner at college who tested them and found that I had added lard. Lard can be hidden in anything including milk and is extremely high calories.

A few minutes later she sent me a picture of her milk carton cut in half, agast with what looked like yogurt on the bottom claiming I had put lard in her milk too. She said she was sending it out for special testing at a lab and I better hope it's not anything more the lard. She called me a psycho, wished I was dead etc etc then blocked me.

It is worth noting here how my mother died.

A few years ago I took my girlfriend to meet my mom. At the time we were engaged and the two of them went wedding dress shopping. In the bridal store my mom went off the deep end.

It was then that we realized my mom was convinced that my stepdad was trying to poison her. She lost weight rapidly. In subsequent weeks my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor to which she finally succumbed to last week.

My GF is acting out. It seems as if she is mimicking some of the things my mother did when she got sick. We have had plenty of moments but this is the worst I have seen her in years.

I won't be calling or texting her. My best course of action at this point is to let her be. A couple of times it has taken her months to come back around.

This will be the sixth Christmas we have been together, and I am no stranger to the stress this time of year brings.

This is first Christmas though I will most likely be spending alone

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Seeks,

Let me first express my condolences at the loss of your mother.   I hope your memories soon become a comfort.   

If I remember your story from before, your GF refuses therapy?   And insists there is nothing wrong with her?   So she has never really been seen by any trained professional?

My understanding is that BPD is often comorbid with other illness.   That is what can make it so hard to diagnosis.   Numbers get tossed around from various studies about BPD being comorbid 74% of the time or 82% of the time.  I think it suffices to say a lot of the time something else is going on.   My partner is Bipolar 1 and BPD.    I didn't used to be able to tell them apart.   I can now.   When the Bipolar is out of control my partner can appear psychotic.    Psychosis can involve delusions that are paranoid or persecutory in nature.  My partner's delusions are more often grandiose in nature.   

Diet and sleep play a huge role in my partners ability to manage mood and remain stable.   Consequently she is very careful about them.   Even small shifts in sleep or diet create noticeable impacts.   Your GF has a perfect storm of stress,  physical and emotional going on.

What is your support system like?  Do you have a therapist of your own to help decipher what is going on?   

I'm sorry you are going through this,   lean on us.    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing?

'ducks

[Seeks]

Thanks Baby Ducks.

From what I have been told my girlfriend has been diagnosed with BPD.  She has however rejected the diagnosis and refuses treatment.  I was able to get her into a couple of sessions therapy under the guise of premarital counseling.  She lasted two sessions.

A few days ago she sat me down for a lecture saying our relationship is hanging by a thread  and if I wanted any chance of saving it I had to go back and admit to all the lies I told her  that made her feel like she was the crazy person.  If I did that she could have some closure  we could move on. I was to start with admiting my sabotaging of her diet.

She has effectively placed me between a rock and a hard spot.  I am damned if I do damned if I don't.

I am concerned with her manufacturing of "evidence"  and then extreme reaction to what I have "done"

I can't help but wonder what was going on in her head when she poured out the milk, cut open container and placed a substance on the bottom to photograph and send me her proof.

Did she know what she was doing?  Or has she disassociated, and now truly believes that I did that and I am trying to possibly poison her.

Her diet and exercise has changed drastically in the last month. She has lost 15 lbs with the goal of another 30.  She is now currently at a normal height weight ratio and her goal is not realistic or healthy.

Her sleep patterns are severely interrupted.  A couple of months ago she started working graveyard shifts a few nights a week,  and then switches over to normal sleep times on her days off.  She has been starting to use sleep aids.  And I am well aware  of the potential issues this all is creating.

I am not in therapy and I do not talk to anybody in my circle about this.  I do however have a friend that is a therapist that I share some of my struggles with at times.

[babyducks]

Hi Seeks

I think you have very valid reasons to be concerned.    I'm not an expert, only experienced (unfortunately).   What you are describing appears to have a couple of powder keg type components, the obsession with diet, the sudden weight loss, the paranoia, the sleep disruptions.   

My suggestions would be twofold.   First don't admit to sabotaging her diet.  There is nothing to be gained in doing that.   Second I would suggest you ask your friend for a referral to a therapist to help hammer out a plan on how to handle this situation if it worsens.   A professional who can sort through the nuances that are hard to put into wall of text.    I have a 'map' of what I will do and what I will not do if my partner experiences a psychotic break.   It includes how to get her to an Emergency room for a Psych consult.   Your situation may not warrant that, but I have to say it's better to have the plan and never use it than to be caught by surprise.   I find it makes me feel more comfortable and confident to have resources already in my pocket, rather than have to try and scramble during a crisis.

what do you think, is that something that would be helpful to you?

'ducks

[Seeks]

Sound advise Ducks

I went through something similar once several years ago. It was in regards to me talking to my ex wife about my kids and our divorce that my GF kept going on and on about. What she was wanting me to admit to didn't seem so bad so I lied and threw myself under the bus so she could have "closure" and we could move on.

It didn't work, I still hear about it to this day.

I won't be making the same mistake again.

She now lives 50 miles away from me. Contact has been severed and means of communication blocked. I don't plan on pursuing, the only thing that would accomplish is triggering her further. Without me I am hoping she calms down and comes back to baseline. If we do engage, having an emergency plan in place is a good idea.

Therapy for me at the moment is not possible due to personal constraints. I have been winging it for years, and will have to continue to do so in the immediate future. My friend did give me the book Codependent No More to read. I have found it much easier to focus on her rather than myself.

[babyducks]

well speaking of book recommendations

I am a big fan of this one if you have the time.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

[Seeks]

Looks like I have a couple of resources to explore, thanks.

I have been doing some light reading today on psychosis.  And from what I understand it is a symptom rather than an illness.  And can be a symptom of mood disorders.

"... .in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality."


Thus far I have been able to wrap my head around extreme emotional responses, attention seeking, lying etc.   And I have noticed this past few weeks that her perception that everyone is against her and wants to see her fail has been increasing. But the shift was sudden and extreme in my direction without provocation or warning.

I am not sure what is more alarming to me.  The thought that she is fabricating this on purpose to justify her feelings and behavior towards me,  or that she is completely oblivious to what she is doing.

[babyducks]

originally the term 'borderline' came from the perception that BPD was on the border between psychosis and neurosis.   and for what it's worth I think borderline is a stupid name.   

a psychotic break is scary, reality is so distorted, or missing all together it is hard to hold on to the fact that the person you know and care about it still there underneath or behind the distortions.

is there anyone she is still in contact with ?  family?  friends?  by taking her food to be tested, in an effort to prove tampering it appears the situation could be ramping up.  in that she is now willing act on her thoughts.   

continue to take good care of yourself.   no one walks into this prepared.   its very easy to be blindsided.   putting on your oxygen mask first is critical.   for me and in my situation, (which is a different,)  I had to carefully look at my options and choices for my safety and serenity.  No one comes automatically equipped  to deal with a partner who is so uncompensated that they believe they can talk to the wind and drives down the street with her eyes closed, window down and arm out, waiting for the wind to tell her which way to go.     Preplanning, boiled down to the simplest if X happens I will do Y, can save your bacon.

really.   take care of you.   

[livednlearned]

Just even the sleep patterns alone -- that could be triggering her delusions/paranoia or psychosis. If she has a comorbid diagnosis (not uncommon), like bipolar, she won't tolerate drastic changes in sleep as well.

Even if you can't afford therapy, it might be worthwhile to call NAMI's hotline, or see if you can meet with a psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders (although, you have to pick the shrink carefully, in my experience). Some Pdocs focus on psychopharmacology and some are trained in talk therapy. Few seemed well-equipped to help families cope. NAMI might be able to help you put an emergency plan together.

My T advised me to gently redirect the discussion when there was a psychotic episode. Easier said than done. And to not go along with the delusion because that only enables the break from reality. At the same time, have compassion for the feelings they are experiencing -- perhaps you could stick with validating questions, or validating statements. "I would feel very afraid if I thought someone was tampering with my food, too." The key, like a lot of mental illness, is to not take things personally, and to try and center the person.

I do think they know, on some level, that their thinking has become strange. And after a psychotic break, there can be shame or embarrassment, and it's best to give that shame a wide berth.

I also noticed that the delusions often were rooted somewhat in reality. It's possible your GF knows she is at risk of becoming too skinny, and suspects that people around her want her to avoid any more weight loss.

[Seeks]

 Thank you for the replies.

I spoke with her mother today who will be going out tomorrow morning to see her.  They have been conversing via text and my GF seems to be reacting to her normally.  Her break may possibly be just focused in my direction   

You are right Ducks I wasn't prepared for this.  Things have been going up and down and I knew there was going to be some dysregulation but not this.

Livednlearned,  I now think that she does believe I did something to her food.  But I am wondering if after this "break" subsides,  she comes to realize what the reality of the situation is? And I look back at my moms situation, she died thinking my stepdad poisoned her, she never came back around. That however was due to a brain tumor so I probably should not compare.

I have one other issue I am trying to work out. One that I see others on these boards struggling with.  Christmas is in two days.  I have presents already purchased for her and her teenage son ( he also exhibits traits of BPD)  I know part of her  discomfort is that she cannot afford to buy him presents. Early  Christmas morning before she gets home from work I plan on leaving his presents on her doorstep.  I will be doing this anonymously though I'm sure she will know who they are from.  I also have presents purchased for her and I am not sure if I should include them?  This is just such uncharted territory for me  :-/

In doing this I am not looking for a response or for her to get back with me.  I would however like to see both of them have a nice Christmas together.