Being emotionally open at all times

[thisworld]

Hello everyone,

Some of us in the detachment board regret that when our partners emotionally closed themselves to us, we unconsciously distanced ourselves from them as well. I somehow think this emotional openness alone could not save my relationship but still would like to hear about different experiences (my relationship was short and very tumultous, so I'm still trying to make sense of what happened).

So, does being emotionally open at all times work in your experience?

I wish everyone happy days:))

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[Chilibean13]

I struggle to find the balance and I'm just beginnign to test the waters in how open/closed I need to be for safety vs having an enjoyable relationship.

This last weekend, my H and I argued. He told me that I stopped trying to make things work. Usually I would just take these accusations as part of his dysregulation, but this time I listened. And I realized he is right. For the last 6 months I have viewed him as broken, dysfunctional, and unstable. I hold ALOT of resentment for him. I often imagine what a life free of him would be like. I had stopped thinking good about him and only saw his meltdowns. I have been very miserable.

Beginning yesterday I made the choice to try to be more open to him. I'm trying to be brave when deailng with various situations with him. I have to leave myself vulnerable in order to be able to love him the way he needs to be loved. If not, I will drown myself in my own junk. I have accepted that I am going to be hurt by him and that he is going to yell and dysregulate, and accuse, and manipulate. But I HAVE to include him in my life if I want us to even begin getting healthy together.

Of course, I say this now. Ask me again after his next meltdown. 

[thisworld]

Chilibean hi:))

I think you are doing a positive thing. I see the value in hearing someone, regardless of their emotional situation - a skill I learnt to a degree during marital therapy in my then marriage. With my UpwBPD with narcissistic traits, I would try to hear what he was saying, accept some of his comments about me, show this to him verbally and also thank him helping me to grow. I saw this relationship as something where regardless of their strengths and vulnerabilities, both partners had something to teach the other - though towards the end, everything about me and my vulnerabilities became issues mentioned in every discussion.

However, I couldn't do this sometimes (and sometimes I could) when he was dismissive and controlled intimacy and physical contact with what I understood as a constant push-pull. With his eyes, he almost created an invisible zone around him and I was afraid of entering that zone and approach him (not necessarily sexually). So I distanced myself calmly I think (but never rejected him when he wanted to approach me).

I don't know what else I could have done. (We calmly talked about this a couple of times where I didn't state any expectations but just wanted to listen but it didn't change anything). 

[TheRealJongoBong]

For the last 6 months I have viewed him as broken, dysfunctional, and unstable. I hold ALOT of resentment for him. I often imagine what a life free of him would be like. I had stopped thinking good about him and only saw his meltdowns.

This is the same scenario I played out with my wife. I focused all on the negativity and stopped seeing her as a real person with issues that she didn't ask for. She picked up on the negativity, amplified and returned it, and our relationship started into a death spiral. We definitely would have divorced by now if she hadn't been pushed over the edge by it all and ended up in psychiatric evaluation. That event clearly showed me that not only do I have to be honest and open about my own emotions, I also have to change perspective and be honest and open about her emotions.

Does that mean I'm emotionally open at all times? Not on your life. I'm very careful to vet things that my wife says and does before I accept it emotionally. She has been known to say and do hateful things just like a small child and I try to filter those things out and not take them seriously.

[Icthelight]

For the last 6 months I have viewed him as broken, dysfunctional, and unstable. I hold ALOT of resentment for him. I often imagine what a life free of him would be like. I had stopped thinking good about him and only saw his meltdowns.

This is the same scenario I played out with my wife. I focused all on the negativity and stopped seeing her as a real person with issues that she didn't ask for. She picked up on the negativity, amplified and returned it, and our relationship started into a death spiral.

Me too 

Recently, I decided to focus more on fixing me and on my self care. In the process, I made it a point to be emotionally open and polite to my wife, even while being painted black and enduring the ST. In the past, while enduring the ST, I distanced myself and guarded my feelings. Basically, I gave the ST right back to my wife.

Currently, my new approach seems to be working. Not sure if it's because my wife sees me doing different things (started seeing a therapist) and firmly, but lovingly enforcing my boundaries (won't tolerate being raged or yelled at). It's not as though she loves my new boundary setting skills (actually, not very good yet), she actually resists and gripes a bit. But somehow, it feels like she respects me more for standing up for myself. Not exactly sure, I just know I'm feeling better about our relationship. It's so much easier being nice and polite to someone who is not trying to tear your head off.

It's still early, and we've had some close calls, but we've been able to maintain the peace. I believe my no JADEing rule has been huge in keeping the peace. I wish I would've done this years ago.

[EaglesJuju]

My boyfriend is the type that completely shuts down, withdrawals, and avoids when he is dysregulating. When it gets really bad, he shuts off the entire world and sleeps for 12 hours. He is terrible at communication (his words), but he is trying to learn how to express his feelings in a non-confrontational way. He says, "We need to talk about the tough things to get through it. Don't hold back your feelings."   

For the most part, I like to work through issues by talking. There have been times where I have been afraid to say how I felt, because I feared the consequences of him  lashing out at me . I ended up suppressing my feelings and opinions.  On my end, I made things worse by not saying anything because I built up a lot of anger and resentment. I blamed him for my inability to say what I felt and my obsequious behavior. The way I started improving my relationship was to work on my own issues. 

Currently, I talk about anything and everything. SET and other communication tools help with some of the harder topics or issues. In my opinion, emotional intimacy is a really important component of a relationship. The openness has improved the relationship 100%.

[jessie2100]

Yep this is something I have been wondering too. My partner also has a common tendency to close themselves off, emotionally and physically, to the point whereby they don't really want to be touched. This has definitely been the case the past few months... but they have been going through a bad depression phase. Yet, even after they state such things, they will still touch me in small ways, and lean on me or grapple behind me (its there way of showing affection) and naturally I respond... but I never know if its a good idea or not. Sometimes I do get these massive urges to be physically intimate with them but I feel I have to keep my distance. Is this right? On another part of the forums, I was explaining that after several months of not really doing much, we slept together after a really nice evening together, and the next day they were suddenly talking about the possibility of a break? It blew over but was that a reaction to the intimacy? It just seemed so out of the blue.