When/where is the ultimate boundary

[blackbirdsong]

Do you ever consider the question: "Could I try something else? Maybe I should stay a bit longer?"

Consider my case: I was only few months in a relationship with a girl with diagnosed BPD. I still have feelings for her but I decided to end this relationship. My internal fight is between the feeling that I made a rational decision and the feeling that I didn't try hard enough considering the fact that she is in therapy and working on her issue. What kind of love is that from my side if I didn't try few more months? (This was also her question at the end) I see here stories about 20-year-relationships (ok, most of them didn't work out) and ask myself constantly : when is it enough? When are you "allowed" to cut the rope? I know that every man can only say this for himself, but it is hard for me to understand this in my case.

[VitaminC]

Do you ever consider the question: "Could I try something else? Maybe I should stay a bit longer?"

I think most of us here probably spent a lot of our time asking that question!

You're right that every person, man or woman, can only know that for themselves. It's a huge question, as you know yourself. 

You've possibly already seen this, but in case not, I found a lot of the information here really helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

Anyway, if you're not decided, read the posts that are over in the other fora about staying / improving relationships, would be my advice. It might help to get a clearer picture from the perspective of people still engaged in trying to work things out.

Good luck!

[Michelle27]

This struggle kept me in the relationship many months, if  not years, longer than I should have stayed.  My final boundary while he was supposedly seeking help was my need to have my home be an emotionally safe place so if/when he was going to have a rage/dysregulation, I needed him to leave the house.  When he inevitably had one, and refused to leave despite having a place to go (plus a back up), I left for the night.  In the morning, I came back and told him it was time to pack a bag.  He was out of the house for 2 weeks and after that, we tried a therapeutic separation for 3 months at which time I realized the damage was too far gone, his attempts at getting help weren't real and I needed to move on.  He of course told me I didn't give him "enough of a chance".  Hmm... .10 years of raging, including affairs and lying about everything.  I don't regret having a line that I wouldn't allow to be crossed. 

[FannyB]

BBS

Why did you leave when you did? Not enjoying it? Didn't see a future? Maybe you didn't think you were up for the job of loving a borderline long term? All of these are valid reasons for putting yourself first. You didn't leave a loving, supportive girl because you got a better offer - you simply couldn't do it anymore.

I like to think I would have hung around longer if she was in therapy, but when your gut is screaming at you that this is BS, there's only so much you can do. 

Looking at the boards there seems to me to be two types of person who hangs in there with a borderline: the incredibly self-sacrificing and the incredibly needy. I don't place myself in either camp and I'm guessing you don't either.


Fanny

[hopealways]

The paradoxical ways in which the BPD behave keeps us all chasing our tails trying to figure out 1) why and 2) how we can make them act differently. The reality is, as much as it is said we must create "boundaries" for the BPD, there will never be a sufficient boundary for them. Their disorder is greater than any boundary you could make.  You cannot contain them or tame them. They are what they are.  You did the right thing blackbirdsong, now let nature allow you to heal.

[thisworld]

I don't think intimate relationships (especially these new ones where there isn't a shared history, children etc) should continue simply on the basis of responsibility, support, good behaviour and even say, pity instead of love. You went out for a couple of months, so what really? You haven't been married for 25 years or something. This is a long enough time to have a basic idea about what you want and if you don't want to continue, it's much better to leave rather than spending 6 more months and giving someone false and irresponsible hope. If you don't feel like carrying on, the other person can only thank you for being truthful about it. There isn't a right time or a wrong time. There is the heart, there is the mind and they have a dialogue. If they are saying no, that's the right time. And therapy is about individual responsibility anyway, we do it for ourselves.

[AG]

You dodged a bullet man trust. Any extended exposure to this causes a lot and I do mean a lot of pain. You do not have children with this person and you are not family so my suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing while your connection is not as strong. I'm pretty sure there are success stories but take a look for yourself they are very slim if any. I would stay away if I were you. Your decision though and no judgment at all if you decide to go back. As far as treatment goes I'm not so sure how effective it really is for them given the nature of the disorder. Again only my opinion and I definitely am not a know it all or a fortune teller to be able to guage as to whether or not it will work if you decide to go back. I would say though while your feelings are not too strong for them like in your case of only a couple of months that is a perfect time to disconnect while your brain is still in tact. They are really that toxic and really that destructive.

[Joem678]

After 20 years, I decided to walk away this year.  I'm currently in NC.  I should have left 20 years ago.  I love her.  I really do.  But my life with this disorder was visible 3 months in.  I have no regrets because of the four babies that were produced in our marriage.  For the most part it has been pretty stable.  But unfortunately, the rough patches were unbearable and they got worse.   Don't second guess yourself.  Trust me!