Wish I could wish him Merry Xmas

[wakingfirst]

A few thoughts on six wks. NC with ex/friend wBPD.

I'm doing pretty well.  But I know that he doesn't understand why I went NC, and I know I can never explain it to him, and that makes me sad.  I wanted so much to be the one person who never hurt him, and now I know I have hurt him.  And it sucks.

I know that he is demonizing me to whoever will listen, as he demonized others to me.  I don't even mind, to be honest.  It really doesn't matter.  But it's sad to know that I am mourning this relationship on my own.  Thirty years, many joyful and funny moments, and I'm the only one remembering and feeling sorrow.  He can't, he doesn't have the capacity.  He has to hate me to go on. 

I wish I could wish him a Merry Christmas. 

What I can do is wish one to all of you.  Cherish yourselves.  Be well.

[blackbirdsong]

Me too.  :'(

I blocked her on messengers and FB but I wish to send that message to her now.

It is really hard.

[babyducks]

hi wakingfirst,

there is a lot to grieve in our relationships.   it's normal to feel very sad at what this disorder does to people.   and this time of year can exacerbate that.

be gentle with yourself.  

'ducks

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for thsi post.

I love my ex.  I want him to be happy.  I enjoy sharing my positive sentiments with people.

Yet, I will not be wishing him a Merry Christmas this year.  Even though I genuinely do hope his holidays are going well, I will keep this to myself.

He is living in a different reality that I cannot understand.  His behavior months ago indicates that he was having paranoid delusions about me.  He had our mutual friends, and his family block me from social media.  The only explaination for him doing this is he likely told them that contacting me would somehow bring him danger?

I don't know where his reality is today.  I just know that it is uncertain enough to be a true concern and best for everyone that I proceed as though he is unreachable.

I don't see the point in reaching out... .  It would likely not 'reach' him in the same universe that I live in.

[half-life]

Like you, despite all the turmoils, I still want to send her a well wishes. But we had issues that strain even our most basic communications. Things did not work out then. And it will not work out now, despite by my best intention.

Instead I will say Merry Xmas to you, to you and to you.

[FlyFish]

Want to wish her a merry Christmas as well. It was her b-day yesterday too, so double whammy for me. I stayed strong to NC though. I know it's best. Still, she will be on my mind throughout the holidays

[Mutt]

Hi wakingfirst

Thirty years, many joyful and funny moments, and I'm the only one remembering and feeling sorrow.  He can't, he doesn't have the capacity.  He has to hate me to go on.  

The anger is not about us. It's about getting back at the person that injured a pwBPD in the past. A pwBPD cannot handle emotional intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder. If you think about splitting and being split black, a pwBPD split those that they care about most.

Your ex didn't mature emotionally and lacks an "authentic self" and he would have to face his pain in therapy to find his authentic self. You wanted to be the one person that didn't hurt him. The disorder is not your fault. Hang in there.

[homefree]

I looked longingly at my phone for a good while shortly after Christmas dinner, wishing I could just text her, trying to remember why that wouldn't be perfectly acceptable to do. I didnt, but I was surprised it happened.

[burritoman]

I didn't want to wish her a Merry Christmas as much as I wanted her to wish it to me. I didn't get a Happy Thanksgiving from her when we broke up about 3 weeks earlier. One of my pets of 9 years died just yesterday and I posted all about it on Facebook and Instagram. I received tons of very warm condolences. Not a peep out of her. So, I guess the lack of a Merry Christmas is no surprise.

[toastlet]

I went no contact a few weeks ago after a month broken up but staying in touch. I cut contact after a sleepless angry night of nightmares and realising I'm terrified of getting close to someone again, that there's a nasty bit in me now that just wants to hurt someone like I'm hurt, and realising that his messages only ever panic me - is he ok, is he going to hurt himself? But however depressive he got he never caused himself any significant injury, just scared and controlled me with those threats... got to remember that. There is no benefit to me keeping in touch for either of us, I enable him, he hurts me and stops me moving on.

I got a Merry Christmas... deleted his no but don't seem to be able to block it. My head's just buzzing, do I go back to trying to stay friends, do I reply and ask him to stay away? He was so good at threatening to leave me when he knew I'd never leave him, why can he not see it's done now? But is he ok? Was he with his family for Christmas or has he been fighting with them again? Does he need me? If I ignore him what if he hurts himself? If I don't what if he does? Trying to just stay no contact, but it's hard.