Repairing family damage

[SAAT]

My early twenties daughter suffers from BPD/also query Bipolar 2. She has been in therapy for over 3 years and is on medication.  Her anger is easily and unpredictably "triggered" and goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds flat.  She sometimes tries to remove herself from a situation if she feels herself losing control.  At a recent very significant family event she had a meltdown which lasted almost 24 hours during which she upset and insulted nearly all of my family. She has apologised to me but how do I encourage her to apologise to everyone else? My family don't understand her illness as I do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello SAAT and welcome to the family!

It's good to learn that your d apologized to you and that you can receive and understand that apology. It says a lot about your relationship with your daughter.

As far as communicating to your daughter the need to apologize to others... .perhaps something like:

It's important for each of us to take responsibility for our actions and to mend our relationships and move forward. 

It's not necessary for others to understand our feelings, beliefs, or intentions to receive our apology.  Explaining all of that within an apology sounds like JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain  ing). 

A simple "I apologize for my behavior and I hope you can forgive me" is sufficient. 

What do you think?

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi SAAT,

My son has a similar issue with anger.

Did your daughter indicate that she wanted to make an apology to family members? If you were to bring up the idea with her, how would it go over?

I feel embarrassed by my son's behavior, especially when he insults people or gets excessively angry (usually over small things that no one else cares about). It puts us in a tough position.

One thing you could do, in order to let there be healing without trying to rescue or fix, is to just listen and validate how family members feel. They are entitled to feel upset by what happened, and may feel more empathetic if they can be heard.

Another possibility is to let family members approach you or not, and take care of their own feelings if they are offended.

My family has not made any effort to understand BPD or any of the diagnoses my son has been given. They don't like labels, is what they say. 

I no longer try to justify, argue, defend, or explain things to them, although I do bear witness to the pain they feel when my son rejects them or insults them or acts in ways they don't understand. Anytime they want to talk to me about him, I listen and validate. It seems to have the effect of softening their hearts toward him.

[SAAT]

Thank you so much for your suggestions and empathy! My family are caring loving people who are trying to understand my daughters illness. They could be a great source of support to her but she complains about "being the crazy one etc" and seems to go out of her way to fulfill this statement! It is important for her to recognise her behaviour has consequences. I like the idea of keeping the apology very simple as it may make the task less daunting. I have also thought about writing her an email or letter as I am so upset with her at the moment I am worried I may lose it... .this event has made me realise I have been accepting very bad behaviour for way too long. I want to let her know I will not be tolerating abuse in the future but am hesitant to make too many changes too soon in case I push her away?

[livednlearned]

I want to let her know I will not be tolerating abuse in the future but am hesitant to make too many changes too soon in case I push her away?

Maybe give this some time? She recently apologized to you -- even taking a little responsibility is taking responsibility. You may want to give her positive reinforcement after doing something that is difficult to do.

This doesn't mean there are no consequences. It's best, though, that the consequences fit the behavior, and that you have the strength to follow through with them. I try to work on boundaries and consequences with my son ahead of time since the infractions are pretty predictable at this point. That way, when he crosses a boundary, he recognizes that the consequences were planned in advance and with his agreement.

It's tough as mamas when our kids, no matter how old, act badly with others, especially people we love. Your daughter's behavior is her behavior, not yours. I know that this is easier said than accepted, and it's a process to get there without taking on a sense that we are somehow responsible.

[SAAT]

Thanks Livedlearned for your excellent advice.

A step forward - my daughter has sent written apologies to all concerned.  She admits she has no idea what came over her.  I hope this will be constructive and it is encouraging to see her take responsibility. For me and for other family members - the difficult thing is being able to relax and trust her in the future.  It is very hard tiptoeing around "difficult" subjects knowing they might set her off.  I find I live in a constant state of anxiety waiting for the next crisis.  I have a demanding job which becomes more so when I receive "crisis" texts and calls whilst at work. I have probably made myself too available - always because I have been concerned about what would happen if I didn't answer.  My 2016 resolution is to do less "rescuing".

Any tips on managing this?

[lbjnltx]

You might want to begin with setting some boundaries around when you can take calls, how many, and for what reason.  You might also consider taking a proactive stance and set the boundary that you will be the one to call each day during a given time frame to check in with her.

Have you read the info on FOG?  If not, here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Does this info on FOG give you a different perspective on how to approach crisis phone calls?

lbj

[SAAT]

Thank you Ibjinx... .  Yes I read the article and identified many of my reactions are based on fear ... .Fear that if I don't deal with a small crisis I will then have a big crisis to deal with (I know ... .That should be my dd's problem!) but as her only relative within 1000 kms I feel like her only support. She has alienated her two sisters and my family. I know I need to set some boundaries and feel the new year is a good opportunity but am not sure how to do it. Most of the crisis calls are about money or because she has had a run in with someone at work. I like the idea of a. Delaying when I respond to her calls and b. Setting a time she can call me.

Dd has just left another job because of the way she was treated ... .This is her fifth one and they all follow exactly the same pattern ... .Happy first 2 months then normally forms intense dislike for one person and then finds it too stressful to work with them so normally starts taking time off until they fire her. Not sure why I should support her when she makes these choices!

[twojaybirds]

Here is a thought I had but ultimately never needed to resort to.

I considered getting another phone line and giving that new number to my dd... telling her I no longer was using the old one.  That way I believed I could carry around my phone without fear of her calls/texts and only take her 'phone' when I could deal with it... .

[SAAT]

Thank you ... .That is definitely an option. Sometimes I think back to when I was 20 something... .No mobile phones! I could not have harassed my mother if I had wanted to. That seems almost blissful now. Sometimes smart phones create more problems than they solve!

[lbjnltx]

Rescuing is enabling.

Support is walking alongside her while she does it or being there for her emotionally when she fails. 

The biggest trap we can fall into is engaging in the same all or nothing mentality that our children have.  It helps to practice the skill of wisemind and being able to choose the middle path.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders