Okay to let go (a bit?)?

[WinWin]

Hi there, my daughter is 27 with BPD. Our family (her included) is all pretty educated on BPD style and impacts. We just got through a tough Christmas together and she suggested that we not get together for holidays anymore, because it's too stressful. As her mom I'm having a hard time imagining her not around for holidays... .I'd feel like I failed as a mom. I also (in my gut) know that even though it's stressful, she likes to be part of a family group, so I don't want to jump too quickly to saying we won't get together for holidays anymore. I'd love any helpful perspectives on this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi WinWin,

How did your daughter make the suggestion? Was she angry when she said it?

Because she is educated about BPD, she may be aware that the holidays are too triggering, and she is doing her best to take care of herself.

It's also possible that she is saying this on the heels of a tough get together, and it's emotional spill-off.

Since the holidays are a ways off, it seems like you could bookmark the conversation and revisit next year to see how people are feeling. I also wonder if there are compromises that might work with your specific circumstances (like whether she lives close by or not).

She may not know how it will feel to be "left out" of the festivities until she is not there, and I can see how she might interpret things as "they don't want me there" even if she's the one who suggested it.

Or, she could come and agree to stay, with a free pass to leave and stay at a nearby hotel if she started to feel flooded emotionally.

I have a difficult family and realized that the majority of problems can be avoided if I don't stay with my parents. It makes my uBPD brother feel triggered to think I am getting special attention and invariably he emotionally dysregulates in a way that blows up the whole holiday. It takes months for the family to recover.

[WinWin]

Thanks so much for this. She lives in town, and when our son is home from college (for holidays, etc.) is when it gets bad. I like your idea of checking in closer to Christmas next year. One thought I've had is that we meet somewhere off site for the gift exchange and a dinner (at a restaurant maybe) so that it has a beginning and end, but she would still be involved. So sorry about what happens with your brother, and kudos to you for figuring out how to mitigate it!

[twojaybirds]

Winwin,

I have also struggles with the holiday thing and have found over the years some things I would never have guessed.

My dd21 lives about 15 minutes away and I feel badly we don't see each other more often, but less is more in our situation.  This Christmas she was getting stressed in November starting with Thanksgiving.  How to fit in me, her boyfriend/family and friends. 

I took the high road and suggested we do something the week before Christmas to relive her stress. That worked and we went away for the weekend to a holiday light show.  I paid for the 2 rooms (hers/boyfrineds and mine/husband)  It killed me not to have her here on Christmas opening gifts, meals, fun,music etc.  However it was the first Christmas in many years that was drama free.  She did discuss some remorse the week of Christmas of not being together however she filled it with friends and boyfriend.

I also took her to dinner and movies a few days before Christmas allowing us our time which she seems to appreciate (mostly).

Last year we spent Christmas eve together.  I timed it so they came over and I had a dinner of their choice made, table set beautifully.  We only had time to eat, open a very few gifts and then we went to the movies in separate cars.  It left little time for drama or conversation!

As I continue to fully embrace that our relationship will probably never be (or at least now) what I had planned or predicted I am able to free myself into thinking outside the box for solutions.

Good luck and Decemebr 2016 is a long way off to make any decision now.

[SAAT]

I have just been down this Christmas road myself. I was worried about my BPD daughter being alone in town on Christmas day so took her with us to family function in another state. Result: Disaster! She could not cope and lashed out at the whole family. I was way too optimistic when I made my Christmas plans. Plus ... .Being away from her home and security made issues much worse. It is not worth risking dramas on a significant day. Might be best to come up with short term options before or after Christmas. It will take a long time for my family to recover :'(